Sorry for the long delay; a combination of trying to find the episode, being really busy, and general laziness is to blame.
Another Godzilla movie! Unfortunately, we immediately hit a few problems with this episode. In the first place, this is actually a pretty good movie; considering the number of truly awful Godzilla movies there are it’s rather puzzling that this is one of the two they decided to do…surely Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster would have been far more appropriate? At any rate, “vs. Sea Monster” is a fresh, frequently clever film that shows what the series looked like before it became wedded to formula. Rather than having a monster show up, wreck havoc, and then be defeated by Godzilla, this film sets up a series of problems for its heroes and forces them to figure out how to solve them. For instance, they are trapped on an island run by a terrorist group called the ‘Red Bamboo,’ which is making nuclear weapons and guarded by a sea monster. Then discovering that the island happens to have Godzilla sleeping in a cave, they take the logical step and rig up an impromptu lightning rod and wake him up. Godzilla then does what he does best, fights the sea monster, smashes the base, and creates general havoc. The story is fast-paced and filled with clever invention as the characters improvise ways to fight the Red Bamboo (my favorite is the foresight they had in solidifying the famous ‘walking-bush’ trick by simply carrying a bird with them), and it’s a good example of taking a world of established rules and playing with it.
The episode, particularly coming after last week’s brilliant ‘Vs. Megalon,’ is a bit of a disappointment. The riffing is still funny, though not up to ‘Megalon’s’ level, and it has some great host segments, but it’s marred by a rare example of ‘cheating.’ It’s generally a rule that the Brains can’t mock a film for something that results from their own treatment of it. In this case, they have a running gag of wondering what the name of the movie is, since Joel and the Bots inexplicably don’t come in until about a minute into the movie and miss the opening titles. This is not only not fair to the film, but it’s a joke the audience doesn’t share, since we know what the name of the movie is, and we know that the Brains know as well and are just pretending not to. It’s a rare ‘what the heck were they thinking?’ moment that doesn’t kill the episode, but definitely brings it down.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel reads from “The Velvateen Rabbit.” Sort of. The ‘bots are enraptured. (by the way, Servo has a kind of fez top to his head which he’ll keep for a few episodes).
Invention Exchange: Joel has the mind-control guitar. The Mads have squeeze-toy guitars for dogs who love rock-and-roll. They play their new song; ‘Plastic Man.’ It’s pretty amusing.
Okay, honestly, they cheat here, and pointlessly too. Joel and the bots don’t enter until after the credits, leading to a running gag of wondering what the movie’s name is. This results in about a minute of us watching the movie without them and us not being able to share in the joke, since we, of course, know what the movie’s title is.
Anyway, we open with a storm and a ship being attacked by a giant lobsters.
Joel: “Oh, he’s making them into an oriental salad! The horror!”
Cut to two months later, as the narrator helpfully informs us.
Old woman consults a mystic, who tells her her son is not dead.
(as doubtful guy)
Crow: “He’s dead, live with it, okay?”
Cut to a dance contest…
(blank faced-guy watches contest)
Servo: “I’m digging their scene.”
(on the numbered contestants)
Crow: “Keep moving, forty-one.”
Guy and his friends go look for a boat so he can search for his lost brother.
They trespass on a boat to check it out.
Guy 1: “I wonder what the owner looks like?”
Thief: “I’ll show you what he looks like!”
Servo: “He looks like me, only taller. I’ll go get him.”
Guy 2: “This one here, he’s crazy. Boats are the only thing he thinks about.”
Crow: “Shoot him, now.”
Thief-guy lets them stay on the boat.
(shot of sunrise)
Crow: “Let’s visit God now.
Servo: “Hi, this is God. This film is moving slowly my children.”
And the one guy has taken the boat out to look for his brother.
Thief: “What’s the idea?”
Servo: “Well, the wind catches the sail and…”
We get news about the stolen boat and an earlier robbery (it was done by thief guy of course).
(cut to dinner scene)
Crow: “Mmm, Steve is really delicious!”
Thief (on the skeleton key he’s making): “You’ve got your hobbies and this is one of mine.”
Servo: “You like knitting afghans.”
Thief (laughing): “Do I look like a robber?”
(Servo gives a French ‘oh hohoho!’)
And a storm blows up. (incidentally, this is the same footage from the beginning; spliced in by the American distrubuters).
Joel: “Well, welcome to the “Wrath of God” weekend present by KT.”
The briefcase of money and a game-board fall over and spill into each other.
Joel: “Hey, you got your backgammon in my money!”
Crow: “Well you’ve got your money in my backgammon.”
Joel: “Try to look for an uncharted desert isle!”
(and in the morning they wash up on an island)
Crow: “For once this was a boating accident.”
Joel: “We’re so lucky we washed up on what could be a hostile land with no food, we’re saved!”
The bots panic at the prospect of rock climbing, but it’s a very quick scene.
(at the top)
Servo: “Look, Cesar Romero and Hugh Beaumont?”
And they find a machete and some fruit.
Guy: “I feel like a monkey.”
Crow: “Me too, where can we find one?”
Crow (as they walk through the jungle to music): “We gotta find that rhythm combo.”
And they spot a ship coming and then find a whole harbor and facility guarded by armed men.
(two guards pass each other)
Servo: “Morning Steve,”
Crow: “Morning Phil.”
(eye-patched guy comes in smiling)
Crow: “Smiles everyone, smiles!”
And the ship drops off some slaves.
Servo (upon seeing Kumi Mizuno): “H, E, double-L, O!”
(pretty much standard reaction)
Few slaves try to escape...grab a convenient canoe.
(guards fire wildly while close together)
Crow (as eye-patch guy): “Ah! Not me you idiots!”
Servo: “Good shooting, you killed eight of our own men.”
And would-be escapees get eaten by giant lobster, Ebirah.
Crow (seeing guys impaled on Ebirah’s claw): “Ka-Bob, and Ka-Steve!”
Joel: “I just saw half-a-crab kill a guy.”
Big bad (to eye-patch): “You must be losing your sight!”
Servo: “I don’t think that’s funny sir, but go on.”
Joel: “Salute higher, idiot!”
Girl meets guys, runs off.
Crow: “Wait! I’m a good-guy with a steady future! I want you to see my etchings!”
They join forces.
First Host Segment: Godzilla Genealogy Bop. It’s amusing, even if they insist Godzilla is green, which he is not (he’s dark grey).
Cut to the slaves working and praying to Mothra.
(eye-patch gets their attention by shooting)
Crow: “Oh, couldn’t he just knock?”
Guy: “Don’t make fun of her.”
Crow: “Yeah, that’s our job!”
Cut to Infant Island, where the natives are worshiping Mothra.
Servo: “Rocketing its way to number one, it’s ‘Mothra, you are our god,’ it’s got a great beat and you can worship to it.”
Thief: “I don’t think you’ve ever had the police after you.”
Servo: “Okay, you’ve got bragging rights.”
And they find that Godzilla is sleeping in the cave with them.
That’s the third time Crow did that ‘Planet where apes evolved from men’ bit.
The guys try to sneak into the base using the bush trick to investigate and try to help free the slaves.
(they release a dove as distraction)
Servo: “Oh, a symbol of peace. Kill it!”
Servo: “He’s got a hedge trimmer! Scatter everybody!”
Get in, sneak around…
Crow: “Why are they breaking in?”
Servo: “Life hurts them, so they hurt back.”
Big bad berates scientists.
Scientist: “It’s easy for them to issue orders.”
Crow: “They have everything, I have nothing!”
A lot of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ jokes for some reason…
Guy: “It’s a heavy water factory.”
Guy 2: “What can they do with that?”
Crow: “They could take a heavy bath.”
(suddenly crawl around corner to find a boot).
Servo: “Oh, my God! It’s a boot! And there’s a leg attached to it!”
Eye-Patch: “You weren’t killed I see.”
Servo: “That was my fault.”
Crow: “Pass the bush up, quick!”
They make their escape using some gas canisters.
Joel: “Meanwhile in Lego-Land, kids learn at their own rate, the slow way.”
Brother-guy gets caught on a weather-balloon and floats off towards Infant Island. Another guy just gets captured.
Captured guy makes contact with slaves, who are making a liquid the bad guys use to protect themselves against Ebirah…another scene of worshiping Mothra.
Crow (as Mothra): “That’s pretty good, but do it again, and this time with feeling. And Kasy, I’ll see you later.”
Brother guy lands on Infant Island, meets his brother.
Guards search for them, randomly shooting around.
Crow: “Well, I guess it’s frogs legs and cricket soup for dinner tonight.”
Guys get idea to wake Godzilla up to distract/destroy bad guys.
They improvise a lightning rod to wake Godzilla up.
(pan down the wire)
Crow: “This is the only thread I’ve been able to follow this whole film.”
Captured guy gets the idea to make a phony batch of liquid.
Second Host Segment: Joel’s miniature city. The bots are concerned for his sanity and destroy it. It’s pretty funny. (“I’m Servotron, destroyer of worlds!”)
Brothers canoe from Infant Island back to evil isle.
(on storm clouds)
Crow (deep voice): “I’m not pleased!”
Servo (on the soldiers): “Okay, look for the silver lining, men!”
Crow (same): “I’m still not pleased!”
Crow (same): “Now I’m really ticked!”
Huh, actually I don’t think this scene looks fakey at all.
(as Godzilla starts waking up)
Servo: “Make sure he doesn’t hit the snooze button!”
(Godzilla’s eye opens)
Joel: “This had better be good.”
Brothers are threatened by Ebirah…
Godzilla bursts out of cave…
Crow: “Good morning Godzilla. Your mission, should choose to accept it, save those two Japanese guys.”
Joel (Godzilla sees Ebirah): “You woke me up for THAT?”
Servo (as Ebirah): “Oh, I’ll give you such a pinch!”
Really funny scene where Godzilla and Eibrah batter a boulder back and forth like their playing catch.
Crow: “Run before they make us play outfield!”
And they volley it back and forth a bit…goes too far and hits the base.
Ebirah splashes Godzilla.
Joel: “Oh, now that was low!”
Servo: “Look at Godzilla go! I guess there’s no sea-food lover in him!”
Pretty cool scene where Godzilla gets dragged underwater and they fight.
Crow (as Llloyd Bridges): “I grabbed a rock; and by this time my lungs were aching for air.”
(bushes start shaking)
Crow: “Hey that bush trick doesn’t work around here pal, we invented it!”
(brothers are caught in snares)
Crow: “Oh, how hideous; hung by their feet till their dead!”
Eye-Patch (whipping slaves): “You can work faster! And you there!”
Crow: “…Nice job.”
(soldiers fire wildly)
Servo: “Ow, ow, you shot my other eye you idiots!”
(soldiers chasing girl get scared off by Godzilla)
Joel: “Don’t even mess with my chick!”
Joel (as Godzilla): “Hey were are you going? You owe me babe!”
Girl: “Help me!”
Crow: “Dibs! I got dibs, I said it first!”
Guys arrive and see Godzilla.
Servo: “Woah! Baby you are on your own!”
Joel: “Be careful, we look like corn-cobs to him!”
Giant bird suddenly appears and attacks Godzilla.
Crow: “Hey, what do you think I am, Tippi Hedron? Get out of here!”
And Godzilla blasts it.
Joel: “Oh, now he’s a wonder-roast chicken.”
(bird crashes into the ocean)
Joel: “Thank you for flying Northwest.”
And now jets attack him.
(he smashes a plane)
Servo: “Oh, there goes Tom Cruise.”
(alarm sounds)
All: “It’s not going well. It’s not going well. It’s not going well.”
(Big Bad and Eye-patch look out window)
Crow: “Do you see half of what I see?”
Eye-Patch: “Turn the atomic power on! Destroy him!”
Joel: “Uh, whatever you say, sir, but we’re right at ground-zero…”
Guy: “Where’s my brother?”
Crow: “Oh, will you shut up about your brother!?”
(Godzilla throws a rock at the base)
Servo: “Oh no, he’s learned to use tools! Careful people he’s evolving!”
Cave starts collapsing on slaves under Godzilla’s weight.
Eye-Patch: “Put it on nuclear, it will destroy the base!”
Crow: “Oh, great, what was it on before, defrost?”
Crow: “Ah, here comes the death with dignity committee.”
Scientist: “Stay were you are!”
Servo: “Or I’m going to fill a prescription!”
Third host segment: Crow and Servo play as the Shobijin, then Mothra shows up. It’s pretty funny, even though they voice her as a guy.
Guy: “They’re escaping!”
(Godzilla roars off camera)
Crow: “And they sound funny too.”
And Ebirah smashes the boat with the bad guys on it.
Godzilla and Ebirah fight again, with some amusing trash talking from Crow and Servo.
Joel: “Whenever their underwater it sounds like a James Bond movie.”
So, there’s only ten minutes before the island self-destructs.
And Mothra wakes up.
Crow: “I just talked to Ziegfeld; we open in New Haven in two weeks!”
(as Mothra flies off)
Joel: “Oh I am a jumbo Bumblebee!”
And Godzilla rips Ebirah’s claws off.
Servo (as Ebirah): “Oh, leave me one!”
(he doesn’t)
(Mothra hovers straight down)
Servo: “He’s a harrier-moth”
Shobijin (from on top of Mothra): “She’ll take you; you must get into the net!”
Servo/Crow: “How did we get up here anyway?”
Joel (as Godzilla): “Oh, I’m getting beaten up by a bug, how humiliating!”
And the humans call to Godzilla to get off the island.
Joel: “Let’s see, there’s some beeping and everybody left, I wonder what…oh no!”
And there’s the shot they used for their stinger last week in its proper place.
(as the island blows up)
Servo: “Irwin Allen slept here.”
Really good animated distance shot of Mothra, and we’re done.
Closing: Lines never really said in movies, like “Play it again Sam.” The results of the ‘Cool Thing Contest’ from ‘Lost Continent.’ Some nice pictures. The Mads consider changing their business plan. It’s pretty amusing.
Stinger: Worshiping Mothra. Meh, I would have gone with the giant bird attack.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. First Spaceship to Venus
7. Rocketship XM
8. Moon Zero Two
9. Godzilla vs. Megalon
10. The Crawling Hand
11. Catalina Caper
12. King Dinosaur
13. Jungle Goddess
14. Wild Rebels
15. The Corpse Vanishes
16. Ring of Terror
17. Untamed Youth
18. The Slime People
19. Project Moonbase
20. The Sidehackers
21. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
22. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
23. Hellcats
24. Rocket Attack USA
25. Robot Holocaust
26. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Good movie, with pretty funny riffing and decent host segments, but marred by cheating.
Final Rating: 7/10.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Dr. Strangelove or Why We Should Stop Worrying and Let God Handle Things
Another school paper article.
Once for an Honors final I was asked if I thought the American Governmental system was doomed to go the same way as the Roman one. I said that, while the American system is fundamentally stronger, ‘humans always find a way to screw things up.’
That, in a nutshell, is the thesis of Stanley Kubrick’s classic satire, Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. One of the greatest of comedies, it has for its subject matter the distinctly unfunny subject of nuclear holocaust. The film tells of an insane air-force commander who manages to launch an all-out attack on the Soviet Union and the scrambling of the U.S. Government to stop him. The funny part is that the skill and professionalism of the pilots and the safeguards against a nuclear disaster are the exact things that make it so difficult to recall the bombers heading to Russia…where a new Russian ‘Doomsday Machine’ is all set to go off and end life on Earth if they drop their bombs.
The thing that sets this film apart from almost every other military/political satire ever made is that it is largely populated with intelligent, professional individuals…and it is because they are so intelligent and professional that they are in the mess they’re in. For example, when the President finds out they have no hope of figuring out the recall code to abort the mission he takes the logical step of helping the Soviets shoot the planes down. This works fine…except one of the planes is only damaged. The leaves it without a radio and forces it to divert from the expected targets where the Soviets have concentrated their defenses. Thus ensuring it will drop its payload.
This whole ridiculous situation calls to mind a passage in ‘The Screwtape Letters’ where Screwtape laughs at men’s tendency to try to plan for every contingency and panic when these fail. It’s the same situation; the world has set up all these elaborate safeguards to prevent ‘the worst coming to the worst,’ but, of course, it’s impossible to foresee every contingency, and it just takes a “small slip-up” to allow the worst to come to the worst.
How many times do we try to control our lives like this? We try to foresee and prepare for every possible contingency, trusting our own cleverness to see us through. The only trouble is, no matter how clever we are, we can’t foresee everything…or even most things. All it takes is someone responding in an unexpected way, or not paying attention, or going insane over the fluoride in his water to render all our elaborate planning moot. Then, most of the time, we try to recover by making even more elaborate plans, which tend to create an entirely new problem.
But that is not the end of the story. Dr. Strangelove ends with mankind’s elaborate safety measures resulting in the apocalypse, but even then the film seems confident that man will weasel his way out of this mess and into another one. Despite ending in a nuclear holocaust the film is not gloomy about our future and neither should we be. Generally things are not the end of the world, and even if they are, we usually can muddle through. We simply need to take things as they come and trust in God…and the purity of our bodily fluids.
Once for an Honors final I was asked if I thought the American Governmental system was doomed to go the same way as the Roman one. I said that, while the American system is fundamentally stronger, ‘humans always find a way to screw things up.’
That, in a nutshell, is the thesis of Stanley Kubrick’s classic satire, Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. One of the greatest of comedies, it has for its subject matter the distinctly unfunny subject of nuclear holocaust. The film tells of an insane air-force commander who manages to launch an all-out attack on the Soviet Union and the scrambling of the U.S. Government to stop him. The funny part is that the skill and professionalism of the pilots and the safeguards against a nuclear disaster are the exact things that make it so difficult to recall the bombers heading to Russia…where a new Russian ‘Doomsday Machine’ is all set to go off and end life on Earth if they drop their bombs.
The thing that sets this film apart from almost every other military/political satire ever made is that it is largely populated with intelligent, professional individuals…and it is because they are so intelligent and professional that they are in the mess they’re in. For example, when the President finds out they have no hope of figuring out the recall code to abort the mission he takes the logical step of helping the Soviets shoot the planes down. This works fine…except one of the planes is only damaged. The leaves it without a radio and forces it to divert from the expected targets where the Soviets have concentrated their defenses. Thus ensuring it will drop its payload.
This whole ridiculous situation calls to mind a passage in ‘The Screwtape Letters’ where Screwtape laughs at men’s tendency to try to plan for every contingency and panic when these fail. It’s the same situation; the world has set up all these elaborate safeguards to prevent ‘the worst coming to the worst,’ but, of course, it’s impossible to foresee every contingency, and it just takes a “small slip-up” to allow the worst to come to the worst.
How many times do we try to control our lives like this? We try to foresee and prepare for every possible contingency, trusting our own cleverness to see us through. The only trouble is, no matter how clever we are, we can’t foresee everything…or even most things. All it takes is someone responding in an unexpected way, or not paying attention, or going insane over the fluoride in his water to render all our elaborate planning moot. Then, most of the time, we try to recover by making even more elaborate plans, which tend to create an entirely new problem.
But that is not the end of the story. Dr. Strangelove ends with mankind’s elaborate safety measures resulting in the apocalypse, but even then the film seems confident that man will weasel his way out of this mess and into another one. Despite ending in a nuclear holocaust the film is not gloomy about our future and neither should we be. Generally things are not the end of the world, and even if they are, we usually can muddle through. We simply need to take things as they come and trust in God…and the purity of our bodily fluids.
Lessons of Ghandi
Another one of my School Paper articles.
Occasionally one finds the rare film which cannot be discussed without considering the real-life ideas and events behind it. In such cases the ideas of the film are the ideas of the philosophy or the man behind it. One such film is ‘Gandhi,’ directed by Richard Attenborough and starring Ben Kingsley in the title role of the small Indian attorney who conquered the British Empire without firing a shot.
The film itself is truly excellent. In the midst of all its epic scenes and moral philosophizing, it never fails to emphasize the humanity of its subjects. A sweet scene has Gandhi and his wife reenacting their marriage vows, their words and actions full of simple love and something almost like shyness. A humorous earlier scene has a priest friend of Gandhi’s nervously climbing up to the top of a moving railcar to join the travelers riding up there…and having to be reminded to duck as the train enters a tunnel.
However, I found watching it that I was more excited by the figure of Gandhi than anything in the film itself. That is not to say the film failed to hold my interest; far from it. Rather, it is meant to show how fascinating the film’s subject truly is. Before this I had only the vaguest knowledge of Gandhi; I knew he was an attorney who broke British colonial rule in India through passive resistance and was then assassinated, but little more. In the film, I found out both how little I knew, and where I was mistaken. As Gandhi himself points out in the film, there is nothing ‘passive’ about the resistance he proposes; it is simply aggressive on a different line. “Our goal is to provoke them,” he says, “if they don’t react, we will go on provoking them until they do.”
The principle is laid out very clearly at several points in the film; if a subject simply refuses to obey his ruler, the ruler has only two options: to lessen his rule over the subject or to become a monster. But even if he chooses the latter option the subject has still won, since people cannot be monsters for long. Sooner or later either their own conscience or the conscience of others will step in and stop them. This is demonstrated in several striking scenes, the first being during Gandhi’s (rather pathetic) first rally, when South-African Indians burn their ‘passes’ (which non-whites were required to carry at all times). A brutal police sergeant starts beating Gandhi as he tries to burn them, but he continues to try even after he’s been beaten to the ground, finally causing the policeman to almost tearfully ask him to stop (and it’s later noted that Gandhi could have pressed charges against him).
Even worse is the Amritsar Massacre, a historical incident where British troops under General Dyer opened fire on an unarmed crowd, including women and children. The film immediately cuts from that brutal scene to Dyer being court marshaled and cuttingly rebuked by his superiors, who are ostensibly on the side of the British. Later comes a wrenching sequence in which wave after wave of quiet, unarmed protesters walk straight into the waiting clubs of policemen. They do not fight or resist, they simply try to get past and are brutally and repeatedly cut down, but keep going for what are later told was hours. After the incident an American reporter (Martin Sheen) comments that any moral superiority the occupiers had was lost. Not long afterwards, India is free.
The most inspirational aspect about the film is not the obvious fact that a small, humble man did what armies had been unable to do, nor the idea that tyrants and oppression cannot last forever, but something deeper. Gandhi’s principle is based on the basic decency of humanity; that man is not naturally a monster. His victory did more than free India. It did more than just show the power of nonviolence. It proved, before the eyes of the world, the essential goodness of man.
Occasionally one finds the rare film which cannot be discussed without considering the real-life ideas and events behind it. In such cases the ideas of the film are the ideas of the philosophy or the man behind it. One such film is ‘Gandhi,’ directed by Richard Attenborough and starring Ben Kingsley in the title role of the small Indian attorney who conquered the British Empire without firing a shot.
The film itself is truly excellent. In the midst of all its epic scenes and moral philosophizing, it never fails to emphasize the humanity of its subjects. A sweet scene has Gandhi and his wife reenacting their marriage vows, their words and actions full of simple love and something almost like shyness. A humorous earlier scene has a priest friend of Gandhi’s nervously climbing up to the top of a moving railcar to join the travelers riding up there…and having to be reminded to duck as the train enters a tunnel.
However, I found watching it that I was more excited by the figure of Gandhi than anything in the film itself. That is not to say the film failed to hold my interest; far from it. Rather, it is meant to show how fascinating the film’s subject truly is. Before this I had only the vaguest knowledge of Gandhi; I knew he was an attorney who broke British colonial rule in India through passive resistance and was then assassinated, but little more. In the film, I found out both how little I knew, and where I was mistaken. As Gandhi himself points out in the film, there is nothing ‘passive’ about the resistance he proposes; it is simply aggressive on a different line. “Our goal is to provoke them,” he says, “if they don’t react, we will go on provoking them until they do.”
The principle is laid out very clearly at several points in the film; if a subject simply refuses to obey his ruler, the ruler has only two options: to lessen his rule over the subject or to become a monster. But even if he chooses the latter option the subject has still won, since people cannot be monsters for long. Sooner or later either their own conscience or the conscience of others will step in and stop them. This is demonstrated in several striking scenes, the first being during Gandhi’s (rather pathetic) first rally, when South-African Indians burn their ‘passes’ (which non-whites were required to carry at all times). A brutal police sergeant starts beating Gandhi as he tries to burn them, but he continues to try even after he’s been beaten to the ground, finally causing the policeman to almost tearfully ask him to stop (and it’s later noted that Gandhi could have pressed charges against him).
Even worse is the Amritsar Massacre, a historical incident where British troops under General Dyer opened fire on an unarmed crowd, including women and children. The film immediately cuts from that brutal scene to Dyer being court marshaled and cuttingly rebuked by his superiors, who are ostensibly on the side of the British. Later comes a wrenching sequence in which wave after wave of quiet, unarmed protesters walk straight into the waiting clubs of policemen. They do not fight or resist, they simply try to get past and are brutally and repeatedly cut down, but keep going for what are later told was hours. After the incident an American reporter (Martin Sheen) comments that any moral superiority the occupiers had was lost. Not long afterwards, India is free.
The most inspirational aspect about the film is not the obvious fact that a small, humble man did what armies had been unable to do, nor the idea that tyrants and oppression cannot last forever, but something deeper. Gandhi’s principle is based on the basic decency of humanity; that man is not naturally a monster. His victory did more than free India. It did more than just show the power of nonviolence. It proved, before the eyes of the world, the essential goodness of man.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Mst3k 211 – Godzilla vs. Megalon
This is one of my all-time favorite episodes. Naturally it would be; it features a Godzilla movie, and I am a huge Godzilla fan. Not only that, but it features one of the worst of the Godzilla movies; a film which richly deserves its mockery. Of course, being a Godzilla movie it’s still pretty fun to watch even without the Brains. The story goes that nuclear tests in the pacific have caused great destruction in the undersea kingdom of Seatopia (yeah, they rushed this one). In retaliation, the rather humiliatingly dressed Seatopian king unleashes Megalon, a giant beetle with drill bits for hands, to destroy Japan (odd, considering that’s one country that could not possibly have been responsible for the tests, although no one points this out). In addition his agents steal the robot ‘Jet Jaguar’ (possibly the single most hated Godzilla monster ever) from its inventor, his friend, and his brother (who serve as our main heroes) to act as Megalon’s guide. There’s some rigmarole involving car-chases, fights, and a very cool scene where Megalon bursts a dam then the good guys get JJ back under their control and send him to fetch Godzilla. Megalon wanders around for a bit, then suddenly decides he doesn’t need a guide and destroys Tokyo (kind of). JJ then gains free will, which apparently includes the ability to grow a hundred-and-fifty-feet tall, and proceeds to fight Megalon. Then the Seatopians unleash an outsourcing Gigan (conversely one of Godzilla’s coolest foes) and JJ gets thoroughly trounced, only being saved (boo!) when Godzilla shows up. There’s a lengthy fight, with Godzilla handling most of the work, then Gigan and Megalon both flee and JJ returns to his small, servile state…for now.
Like I said, the movie is pretty fun in itself, with lots of monster goofiness to go around. Added to that, though, is perhaps the strongest riffing yet heard on the show. The jokes come fast and hard and are almost universally hilarious. Riffs on the special effects, the lame dubbed-in-script, the odd set design, and the skin-peelingly annoying kid abound.
Added to that are a series of great host segments, beginning with the amusing invention exchanges, building to Crow and Tom’s monsters, ‘Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy,’ and the closing segments with new arms for the bots, a hilarious translation of the ‘Jet Jaguar Fight Song,’ and some remarkably subtle puppeting from Trace Beaulieu.
But the third host segment stands on its own as one of the most brilliantly hilarious two minutes ever recorded on television. In the episode guide they describe it as “Orville Redenbacher and his grandson doing something akin to ‘A Long Day’s Journey into Night.’” I don’t think I really can explain it any better, except that it is perhaps the best host segment of all time; if not, it certainly is in the top five.
The only mar in this near-perfect episode comes at the very end; the Stinger. Here we have some of the goofiest moments of the fifty-plus (okay, it was nearly forty at the time) year old franchise and they pick…stock footage of Godzilla jumping off a cliff. Come on! That had to be some editor’s goof, right?
Despite this one flaw, you’ve got a movie that’s a lot of fun on its own but truly deserves what it gets, some very strong riffing, and some excellent host segments, including an all-time classic not just of MST3k, but of television in general. One of the best episodes of the whole series.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: What to expect on this show (parodying variety-news shows). Pretty funny; especially Crow.
Invention Exchange: Quick Halloween Costumes. This bit comes straight from Joel’s stand-up act. It’s very amusing; especially Servo going as a missing child (“Have you seen me?”). The Mads do the same (Dr. F is the goalie of a foosball team). Very funny.
Narrator: “…The second underground nuclear test took place…”
Joel: “But it wasn’t as good as the first one.”
Narrator: “This is what happened.”
(explosion)
Crow: “It blew up; what’d you expect?”
Some stock footage from ‘Destroy all Monsters’ (including cameos by Rodan and my all-time favorite, Anguirus).
Crow: “Oh, whenever they test nuclear bombs it’s the monsters who suffer.”
Joel: “You know I kinda’ feel this opening segment is a metaphor for our souls.”
Cut to a kid on a water-toy in a mountain lake while two guys watch (no, we never find out much about their relation. Okay, the adults are friends and the kid is the brother of one of them, but other than that, nadda).
Joel (as guys watching the kid): “I can see; keep struggling for your life!”
Servo: “He’s drowning. Neat.”
Earthquake…kid’s in danger.
The guys just happen to have a rocket and some rope…
Kid: “Help me! Hurry up!”
Joel: “Hey, you’re in no position to make demands, kid!”
Joel: “Try not to get sucked into the vortex of Hell, Billy!”
Servo: “I guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn’t it?”
Crow: “Note to myself; never vacation on an active volcano.”
And the lake dries up (no, we never really find out why).
Crow: “This watery manifestation of a vengeful, wrathful god couldn’t’ve come at a worse time.”
(Cut to them in a car with mood-music playing)
Joel: “Well, let’s leave that pain behind; we’re swinging into high.”
Guys sagely discuss the misuse of nuclear tests (mentioning some lost continents)…
That kid sounds like he pissed off St. Blaise in a big way.
(on the blue-tinted ‘night’ shots)
Joel: “Looks like there’s a blue-moon out tonight.”
Crow: “I think it was shot ‘blue-for-night.’”
Guy: “Hey, listen; it’d be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot.”
Joel: “Yeah, it’d be funny if the earthquake killed your family.”
They go into the house…
(lights go on revealing some sort of appliance hanging from the ceiling)
Crow: “Oh, my God! The humidifier committed suicide!”
Oscar Wilde type shows up and attacks, quickly knocks the guys out, and leaves.
And the one guy takes off after bad guys in a lame car chase.
Back home they start cleaning up…
Car chase…
Servo: “Well guys I guess no matter how hard you try there’s just no way to make parallel parking exciting.”
(kid is picking up papers and magazines off the floor)
Crow: “Let’s see, Boy’s Life, Popular Science, Highlights…my own autopsy report!?”
Kid: “I found some funny powder.”
Joel: “Uh, that’s mine; just leave it alone.”
(High angle shot)
Crow: “Hey, God’s watching!”
They investigate the powder…cut to them working on the robot.
(welding shot)
Crow: “Industry! Creating a better world. Our most valuable resource: People!”
And the robot is now complete.
(Guy looking at the kid)
Crow: “Oh, how I loath him!”
(I know the feeling)
(guy on video screen)
Crow: “It’s the all-idiot channel.”
(guys talking in front of robot’s face)
Servo: “Hey, HAL is reading your lips!”
And they name the robot ‘Jet Jaguar.’
Guy: “That’s a great name!”
(cut to bad guys listening in)
Servo (as bad guy): “Jet Jaguar? What a stupid name!”
Bad guys capture kid…
(shot of kid looking sad on screen)
Crow: “I have shamed the family.)
First Host Segment: The bots design monsters to distract Joel from the naughty pictures they’re looking at. It’s a great sketch as Servo and Crow try to one-up each other (and features a great ‘Robert Frost’ pun).
Bad guys return, knock out good guys, occupy house.
Cut down to ‘Seatopia’ (don’t ask)
Anyway, Seatopia attacks the surface world with Megalon since nuclear tests have damaged their country.
Seatopia leader: “They have already destroyed a third of our country!”
Joel: “You just have to take my word for it.”
And a bunch of random explosions and sparks…
Servo: “I would say eye protection should be worn in this area.”
Servo: “He awakes with the worst special effects of the morning.”
(fade to black)
Joel: “So it was all a dream…”
Cut to guy and kid tied up in truck.
Crow: “If…I could…only get to…my utility belt…I invented it you know. Batman stole it from me.”
Other guy is tied up in the house (no, I don’t know why they didn’t either A, shoot them, or B, tie them all up together).
(Jet Jaguar takes off)
Joel: “What a day! I feel GRAND!”
(cut to guy and kid struggling with ropes)
Crow: “Oh, great! You tied us together!”
Truck driver: “The way I see it, it’s none of our business anyway. I mean we’re getting a hundred-thousand yen!”
Joel: “Yeah, great, what is that, like four bucks?”
(as guy tied up at home wakes up next to Oscar Wilde guy)
Crow: “Now I’m going to read you parts of ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray,’ and I want you to be honest with me.”
(kid unties guy in truck)
Servo: “Okay, gotta go; call me if you survive kid.”
Back-story on Seatopia (they lost me at ‘they eventually managed to create their own oxygen supply’)
Good guy escapes and heads out after truck…
Oscar Wilde guy: “My prisoner escaped…he’s also aware of the whole story of our mission here.”
Crow: “I got…sort of…chatty.”
Another car chase…
Crow: “I’m huge!”
Joel: “Action sequences filmed in Confuse-o-vision!”
Servo (after cars go down some steps and a steep incline): “I’ll have to remember that route; cuts fifteen minutes off my drive time!”
Servo: “Well, there’s a lot of congestion on the interstate this morning, you might want to consider taking an alternate route, say down the side of a steep mountain!”
Lame ending to chase…
(cut to random explosions as Megalon emerges)
Servo: “The gods do not approve of this inept car-chase sequence!”
(on Jet Jaguar, who has a disturbing Joker-like grin)
Joel: “Winged freak; wait’ll they get a load of me!”
Stock footage of evacuation, and the military coming in…
Good bit where they comment on the fakey-ness of the military.
(as they prepare to fire missiles)
Crow: “Phallic symbols at the ready sir.”
(on the military hardware)
Servo: “Boy, all this and they still can’t get the Comedy Channel!”
And they randomly decide to drop the box with the guy and kid over a dam.
Kid: “What now?”
Crow: “Scream. Die maybe.”
Crow (as kid): “I wet em’!”
(little later)
Servo: “I wet myself again!”
(later)
Servo: “That’s three times now. It’s starting to sting.”
Pretty funny running gag with Megalon giving Broadway performance speeches.
Second Host Segment: Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy! It’s really indescribable, but very amusing. This looks like it would be a fun show.
The only really impressive scene in this movie; Megalon bursts a dam (and probably most of the budget). It really does look good
(hero struggles with truck as dam starts to overflow)
Joel: “Pop the clutch, engage the ignition, check my blind spot…it’s flooded! Okay, start again…”
And the hero accidentally dumps his friends, Megalon whacks it into the air, they somehow survive.
Joel: “You know, that monster does not know the meaning of the word ‘around.’”
Joel (as Jet Jaguar): “I’m taunting you! Taunt!”
Guy: “Isn’t that Jet Jaguar?”
Servo: “No, it’s another superhero of your own design.”
Kid: “It’s a pity we can’t send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!”
Crow: “Yeah, and it’s a pity we can’t kill you and get away with it!”
Commander: “Open fire!”
Crow: “Kill indiscriminately!”
Joel (as Megalon): “I’d like to thank the good people of Seatopia for giving me these completely useless arms.”
And thanks to the wonder of stock footage, the tanks get blown up at night when they had been attacking during the day.
Anyway, they try to regain control of Jet Jaguar…
And of course it works. They send him to get Godzilla.
Really goofy scene where Megalon goes nuts.
Crow: “Looks like he’s having one of his episodes.”
And Megalon randomly gets attacked by some jets (in close ups, his hands turn into Gigan’s claws).
Crow: “Say, that’s a good view of the fiery hellbeast!”
And he’s back on track now. Whatever.
Kid: “Must have been evacuated.”
Joel: “That sounds painful.”
Kid and guy get model plains to help retake their house (you know, you’d think the military would help with that, seeing as how the house controls the robot that can save or destroy the world).
And Jet Jaguar meets Godzilla.
Servo: “What’s that? Dad’s trapped? In a coal mine? Down in dead-rock canyon? I see.”
Stock footage from ‘Vs. Sea Monster.’
Crow: “I can fly! I can fly! I can’t fly! I can swim…”
Major stock footage of Megalon attacking Tokyo; it’s just close ups of him firing and stock footage of destruction (it’s footage from ‘Ghidorah’ so there are frequently multiple beams blowing up the city). One of the worst destruction scenes in Kaiju Film history.
Joel: “We’ll eliminate all the ‘no pets’ strips in Asia if you’ll just stop!”
(Guy and kid start their mission)
Crow: “Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?”
Servo: “Not this kid.”
Servo: “Gee I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat.”
(cut to other guy driving during fight scene)
Crow: “I’m glad I’m not there.
(again)
Crow: “I’m really glad I’m not there.”
(guy arrives)
Crow: “Oh, shoot! Now I’m here!”
Wait, what was the point of that!? They just beat the guy up and leave!
Seatopian assistant guy: “We are sending you the monster Gigan, as you requested.”
Joel: “Unfortunately the color you ordered is out of stock.”
(shot of flashing light in space)
Crow: “Hey! Tinkerbells’ alive! Clap your hands everybody!”
(giant diamond appears)
Servo: “Diamonds are a girls best…”
(explodes)
Servo: “Woah! Guess not!”
And Gigan is on scene!
(Megalon blows up boat)
Crow: “Destroy the Loveboat; Kill Gavin McCloud.”
Now they’re back at home! Did they even have a continuity person? (I think the money for that went to the dam scene).
Jet Jaguar arrives at the house.
(Jet Jaguar give thumbs up)
Joel: “Up yours!”
(Jet Jaguar flies off)
Joel: “Haha! Try to catch me! You instilled me with free will! Try to catch me!”
So, the guy built the robot with the ability to ignore his orders. Great idea! Worked for Skynet.
And now JJ makes himself grow. Look, just go with it.
You know, even in bad movies like this Toho somehow knew how to give its monsters great expressions. For instance, Megalon’s expression in this scene is a clear ‘wtF!!!!????’
Guy: “Are you sure you want to go? It could be damn dangerous.”
Crow: “Daft dangerous? Don’t you mean Taft Treacherous?”
JJ and Megalon keep fighting…
Crow (as inspector Clouseau): “Kato, get off of me.”
Servo: “I know I should be excited and scared and all, but all I can think about are sweaty Japanese guys.”
Guy: “So he just programmed himself to increase his own size.”
Crow: “Oh, well that explains it…huh?”
Now Gigan arrives…
Joel (on Gigan): “It looks like Dumbo gone horribly wrong.”
Joel (as Jet Jaguar): “Well, looks like my job is finally done here. I can…woah!”
(Megalon surprise attacks him).
Servo (as Gigan): “And there on my forearms were hooks!”
Now JJ starts getting his ass kicked.
Crow: “You will bow down before me Jet Jaguar!”
Third Host Segment: Orville Popcorn sketch. This is one of the all-time greatest, possibly the greatest, sketch of the whole series; a hilariously dark send up of Orville Redenbacher and his Grandson. I really can’t describe it without spoiling it, but it’s one of the funniest two minutes of television ever recorded.
And Godzilla shows up (he really is a sidekick in his own movie here, sadly enough; JJ is the real focus).
(cut back to JJ getting his butt handed to him)
Joel: “Yeah, take your time Godzilla.”
Joel (on the monsters’ wild arm movements): “What are they signing for the hearing impaired?”
And they fight some more.
(Godzilla rips up a tree to fight with)
Crow: “He’s got a tree! He’s got a tree! This isn’t the Godzilla we know! He’s fighting dirty!”
Joel: “Hurst don’t it?”
Servo (as Jet Jaguar): “Godzilla? A tree? That’s not like you. Why? Why?”
And stock footage of Gigan cutting Godzilla (at night, by the way, while the rest of fight is during the day).
Servo: “And this one’s for ‘Rocky V.’ I haven’t seen it, but I hear it really sucks!”
(Godzilla sits on Gigan and pummels him)
Crow: “I hate you! I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you! Oh, I don’t like you I’ll..(gasp) What have I done!?”
Actually kinda cool bit where Gigan attacks from above and Megalon from below.
Hilarious bit where Godzilla walks right into a punch.
So, Godzilla pretty handily deals with Megalon, while JJ gets UTTERLY thrashed by Gigan!
Gigan takes JJ hostage!
Crow (as Godzilla): “Come on, you don’t want to do that man! I’m here! Take me!”
Joel (as Gigan): “Hey, I’m just crazy enough to do it!”
Servo (as Godzilla): “Come on, punks’s not worth killing!”
And Megalon surrounds Godzilla and JJ with a ring of fire (lots of ‘war-buddy’ quips).
Crow: “Whoops, snapped your spine; sorry.”
Joel: “You know one day Jonny Cash will write a song about that.”
And they fly out (Godzilla holds onto JJ’s shoulders).
Some more great expressions from Megalon and Gigan.
(Godzilla blasts Megalon down)
Joel: “He fell him like a mighty oak.”
Godzilla blasts Megalon in the crotch! Twice!
JJ graphically breaks Gigan’s arm! Ew!
And there goes Gigan…flies away.
And we get perhaps the single goofiest bit of the whole Godzilla series; the tail-slide (he runs and slides across the ground on his tail).
And Megalon flees too.
Servo: “No Japanese actors in rubber suits were killed during the making of this film.”
And Godzilla and JJ share a handshake and G walks off.
Kid: “Bye bye!”
All: “SHUT UP!!”
Kid: “Godzilla! Bye Bye!”
Servo: “Thanks for leveling our country!”
Crow (as JJ): “You’re next puny humans.”
And he shrinks again…and drops the free will.
Crow (as JJ): “Yeah, sure, you control me. Right. I’ll be home crushing your house!”
Guy: “We’ll warn the scientists to be more careful in the future and let Seatopia rest in peace.”
Joel: “I’m sure they’ll listen, they’re good that way.”
And the ‘Jet Jaguar Fight Song’ plays…it will scar you for life.
Final Segment: The bots get new arms. Crow gets a coat-hanger and a lobster claw. Servo gets a swiss-army knife and a flame-thrower (“I am the god of hell-fire!”). They also translate the Jet Jaguar Fight Song (“He Crime-fighting cover up basic insecurity”). Then they read a letter (some great puppeteering by Trace as Crow tries to eat some popcorn). An all around hilarious sketch! Frank gets a little too attached to his Mario game.
Stinger: Godzilla jumps off a cliff. Come on! They do this but not the tail-slide?! Or any of the other moments during the fight? Sloppy, sloppy. I rather suspect they intended it to be the tail-slide (cause really, what else could it reasonably be?), but some editor goofed it up and they didn’t have time to fix it.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. First Spaceship to Venus
6. Rocketship XM
7. Moon Zero Two
8. Godzilla vs. Megalon
9. The Crawling Hand
10. Catalina Caper
11. King Dinosaur
12. Jungle Goddess
13. Wild Rebels
14. The Corpse Vanishes
15. Ring of Terror
16. Untamed Youth
17. The Slime People
18. Project Moonbase
19. The Sidehackers
20. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
21. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
22. Hellcats
23. Rocket Attack USA
24. Robot Holocaust
25. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Fun movie, great riffing, and great host segments make for the best episode yet!
Final Rating: 10/10.
Like I said, the movie is pretty fun in itself, with lots of monster goofiness to go around. Added to that, though, is perhaps the strongest riffing yet heard on the show. The jokes come fast and hard and are almost universally hilarious. Riffs on the special effects, the lame dubbed-in-script, the odd set design, and the skin-peelingly annoying kid abound.
Added to that are a series of great host segments, beginning with the amusing invention exchanges, building to Crow and Tom’s monsters, ‘Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy,’ and the closing segments with new arms for the bots, a hilarious translation of the ‘Jet Jaguar Fight Song,’ and some remarkably subtle puppeting from Trace Beaulieu.
But the third host segment stands on its own as one of the most brilliantly hilarious two minutes ever recorded on television. In the episode guide they describe it as “Orville Redenbacher and his grandson doing something akin to ‘A Long Day’s Journey into Night.’” I don’t think I really can explain it any better, except that it is perhaps the best host segment of all time; if not, it certainly is in the top five.
The only mar in this near-perfect episode comes at the very end; the Stinger. Here we have some of the goofiest moments of the fifty-plus (okay, it was nearly forty at the time) year old franchise and they pick…stock footage of Godzilla jumping off a cliff. Come on! That had to be some editor’s goof, right?
Despite this one flaw, you’ve got a movie that’s a lot of fun on its own but truly deserves what it gets, some very strong riffing, and some excellent host segments, including an all-time classic not just of MST3k, but of television in general. One of the best episodes of the whole series.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: What to expect on this show (parodying variety-news shows). Pretty funny; especially Crow.
Invention Exchange: Quick Halloween Costumes. This bit comes straight from Joel’s stand-up act. It’s very amusing; especially Servo going as a missing child (“Have you seen me?”). The Mads do the same (Dr. F is the goalie of a foosball team). Very funny.
Narrator: “…The second underground nuclear test took place…”
Joel: “But it wasn’t as good as the first one.”
Narrator: “This is what happened.”
(explosion)
Crow: “It blew up; what’d you expect?”
Some stock footage from ‘Destroy all Monsters’ (including cameos by Rodan and my all-time favorite, Anguirus).
Crow: “Oh, whenever they test nuclear bombs it’s the monsters who suffer.”
Joel: “You know I kinda’ feel this opening segment is a metaphor for our souls.”
Cut to a kid on a water-toy in a mountain lake while two guys watch (no, we never find out much about their relation. Okay, the adults are friends and the kid is the brother of one of them, but other than that, nadda).
Joel (as guys watching the kid): “I can see; keep struggling for your life!”
Servo: “He’s drowning. Neat.”
Earthquake…kid’s in danger.
The guys just happen to have a rocket and some rope…
Kid: “Help me! Hurry up!”
Joel: “Hey, you’re in no position to make demands, kid!”
Joel: “Try not to get sucked into the vortex of Hell, Billy!”
Servo: “I guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn’t it?”
Crow: “Note to myself; never vacation on an active volcano.”
And the lake dries up (no, we never really find out why).
Crow: “This watery manifestation of a vengeful, wrathful god couldn’t’ve come at a worse time.”
(Cut to them in a car with mood-music playing)
Joel: “Well, let’s leave that pain behind; we’re swinging into high.”
Guys sagely discuss the misuse of nuclear tests (mentioning some lost continents)…
That kid sounds like he pissed off St. Blaise in a big way.
(on the blue-tinted ‘night’ shots)
Joel: “Looks like there’s a blue-moon out tonight.”
Crow: “I think it was shot ‘blue-for-night.’”
Guy: “Hey, listen; it’d be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot.”
Joel: “Yeah, it’d be funny if the earthquake killed your family.”
They go into the house…
(lights go on revealing some sort of appliance hanging from the ceiling)
Crow: “Oh, my God! The humidifier committed suicide!”
Oscar Wilde type shows up and attacks, quickly knocks the guys out, and leaves.
And the one guy takes off after bad guys in a lame car chase.
Back home they start cleaning up…
Car chase…
Servo: “Well guys I guess no matter how hard you try there’s just no way to make parallel parking exciting.”
(kid is picking up papers and magazines off the floor)
Crow: “Let’s see, Boy’s Life, Popular Science, Highlights…my own autopsy report!?”
Kid: “I found some funny powder.”
Joel: “Uh, that’s mine; just leave it alone.”
(High angle shot)
Crow: “Hey, God’s watching!”
They investigate the powder…cut to them working on the robot.
(welding shot)
Crow: “Industry! Creating a better world. Our most valuable resource: People!”
And the robot is now complete.
(Guy looking at the kid)
Crow: “Oh, how I loath him!”
(I know the feeling)
(guy on video screen)
Crow: “It’s the all-idiot channel.”
(guys talking in front of robot’s face)
Servo: “Hey, HAL is reading your lips!”
And they name the robot ‘Jet Jaguar.’
Guy: “That’s a great name!”
(cut to bad guys listening in)
Servo (as bad guy): “Jet Jaguar? What a stupid name!”
Bad guys capture kid…
(shot of kid looking sad on screen)
Crow: “I have shamed the family.)
First Host Segment: The bots design monsters to distract Joel from the naughty pictures they’re looking at. It’s a great sketch as Servo and Crow try to one-up each other (and features a great ‘Robert Frost’ pun).
Bad guys return, knock out good guys, occupy house.
Cut down to ‘Seatopia’ (don’t ask)
Anyway, Seatopia attacks the surface world with Megalon since nuclear tests have damaged their country.
Seatopia leader: “They have already destroyed a third of our country!”
Joel: “You just have to take my word for it.”
And a bunch of random explosions and sparks…
Servo: “I would say eye protection should be worn in this area.”
Servo: “He awakes with the worst special effects of the morning.”
(fade to black)
Joel: “So it was all a dream…”
Cut to guy and kid tied up in truck.
Crow: “If…I could…only get to…my utility belt…I invented it you know. Batman stole it from me.”
Other guy is tied up in the house (no, I don’t know why they didn’t either A, shoot them, or B, tie them all up together).
(Jet Jaguar takes off)
Joel: “What a day! I feel GRAND!”
(cut to guy and kid struggling with ropes)
Crow: “Oh, great! You tied us together!”
Truck driver: “The way I see it, it’s none of our business anyway. I mean we’re getting a hundred-thousand yen!”
Joel: “Yeah, great, what is that, like four bucks?”
(as guy tied up at home wakes up next to Oscar Wilde guy)
Crow: “Now I’m going to read you parts of ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray,’ and I want you to be honest with me.”
(kid unties guy in truck)
Servo: “Okay, gotta go; call me if you survive kid.”
Back-story on Seatopia (they lost me at ‘they eventually managed to create their own oxygen supply’)
Good guy escapes and heads out after truck…
Oscar Wilde guy: “My prisoner escaped…he’s also aware of the whole story of our mission here.”
Crow: “I got…sort of…chatty.”
Another car chase…
Crow: “I’m huge!”
Joel: “Action sequences filmed in Confuse-o-vision!”
Servo (after cars go down some steps and a steep incline): “I’ll have to remember that route; cuts fifteen minutes off my drive time!”
Servo: “Well, there’s a lot of congestion on the interstate this morning, you might want to consider taking an alternate route, say down the side of a steep mountain!”
Lame ending to chase…
(cut to random explosions as Megalon emerges)
Servo: “The gods do not approve of this inept car-chase sequence!”
(on Jet Jaguar, who has a disturbing Joker-like grin)
Joel: “Winged freak; wait’ll they get a load of me!”
Stock footage of evacuation, and the military coming in…
Good bit where they comment on the fakey-ness of the military.
(as they prepare to fire missiles)
Crow: “Phallic symbols at the ready sir.”
(on the military hardware)
Servo: “Boy, all this and they still can’t get the Comedy Channel!”
And they randomly decide to drop the box with the guy and kid over a dam.
Kid: “What now?”
Crow: “Scream. Die maybe.”
Crow (as kid): “I wet em’!”
(little later)
Servo: “I wet myself again!”
(later)
Servo: “That’s three times now. It’s starting to sting.”
Pretty funny running gag with Megalon giving Broadway performance speeches.
Second Host Segment: Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy! It’s really indescribable, but very amusing. This looks like it would be a fun show.
The only really impressive scene in this movie; Megalon bursts a dam (and probably most of the budget). It really does look good
(hero struggles with truck as dam starts to overflow)
Joel: “Pop the clutch, engage the ignition, check my blind spot…it’s flooded! Okay, start again…”
And the hero accidentally dumps his friends, Megalon whacks it into the air, they somehow survive.
Joel: “You know, that monster does not know the meaning of the word ‘around.’”
Joel (as Jet Jaguar): “I’m taunting you! Taunt!”
Guy: “Isn’t that Jet Jaguar?”
Servo: “No, it’s another superhero of your own design.”
Kid: “It’s a pity we can’t send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!”
Crow: “Yeah, and it’s a pity we can’t kill you and get away with it!”
Commander: “Open fire!”
Crow: “Kill indiscriminately!”
Joel (as Megalon): “I’d like to thank the good people of Seatopia for giving me these completely useless arms.”
And thanks to the wonder of stock footage, the tanks get blown up at night when they had been attacking during the day.
Anyway, they try to regain control of Jet Jaguar…
And of course it works. They send him to get Godzilla.
Really goofy scene where Megalon goes nuts.
Crow: “Looks like he’s having one of his episodes.”
And Megalon randomly gets attacked by some jets (in close ups, his hands turn into Gigan’s claws).
Crow: “Say, that’s a good view of the fiery hellbeast!”
And he’s back on track now. Whatever.
Kid: “Must have been evacuated.”
Joel: “That sounds painful.”
Kid and guy get model plains to help retake their house (you know, you’d think the military would help with that, seeing as how the house controls the robot that can save or destroy the world).
And Jet Jaguar meets Godzilla.
Servo: “What’s that? Dad’s trapped? In a coal mine? Down in dead-rock canyon? I see.”
Stock footage from ‘Vs. Sea Monster.’
Crow: “I can fly! I can fly! I can’t fly! I can swim…”
Major stock footage of Megalon attacking Tokyo; it’s just close ups of him firing and stock footage of destruction (it’s footage from ‘Ghidorah’ so there are frequently multiple beams blowing up the city). One of the worst destruction scenes in Kaiju Film history.
Joel: “We’ll eliminate all the ‘no pets’ strips in Asia if you’ll just stop!”
(Guy and kid start their mission)
Crow: “Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?”
Servo: “Not this kid.”
Servo: “Gee I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat.”
(cut to other guy driving during fight scene)
Crow: “I’m glad I’m not there.
(again)
Crow: “I’m really glad I’m not there.”
(guy arrives)
Crow: “Oh, shoot! Now I’m here!”
Wait, what was the point of that!? They just beat the guy up and leave!
Seatopian assistant guy: “We are sending you the monster Gigan, as you requested.”
Joel: “Unfortunately the color you ordered is out of stock.”
(shot of flashing light in space)
Crow: “Hey! Tinkerbells’ alive! Clap your hands everybody!”
(giant diamond appears)
Servo: “Diamonds are a girls best…”
(explodes)
Servo: “Woah! Guess not!”
And Gigan is on scene!
(Megalon blows up boat)
Crow: “Destroy the Loveboat; Kill Gavin McCloud.”
Now they’re back at home! Did they even have a continuity person? (I think the money for that went to the dam scene).
Jet Jaguar arrives at the house.
(Jet Jaguar give thumbs up)
Joel: “Up yours!”
(Jet Jaguar flies off)
Joel: “Haha! Try to catch me! You instilled me with free will! Try to catch me!”
So, the guy built the robot with the ability to ignore his orders. Great idea! Worked for Skynet.
And now JJ makes himself grow. Look, just go with it.
You know, even in bad movies like this Toho somehow knew how to give its monsters great expressions. For instance, Megalon’s expression in this scene is a clear ‘wtF!!!!????’
Guy: “Are you sure you want to go? It could be damn dangerous.”
Crow: “Daft dangerous? Don’t you mean Taft Treacherous?”
JJ and Megalon keep fighting…
Crow (as inspector Clouseau): “Kato, get off of me.”
Servo: “I know I should be excited and scared and all, but all I can think about are sweaty Japanese guys.”
Guy: “So he just programmed himself to increase his own size.”
Crow: “Oh, well that explains it…huh?”
Now Gigan arrives…
Joel (on Gigan): “It looks like Dumbo gone horribly wrong.”
Joel (as Jet Jaguar): “Well, looks like my job is finally done here. I can…woah!”
(Megalon surprise attacks him).
Servo (as Gigan): “And there on my forearms were hooks!”
Now JJ starts getting his ass kicked.
Crow: “You will bow down before me Jet Jaguar!”
Third Host Segment: Orville Popcorn sketch. This is one of the all-time greatest, possibly the greatest, sketch of the whole series; a hilariously dark send up of Orville Redenbacher and his Grandson. I really can’t describe it without spoiling it, but it’s one of the funniest two minutes of television ever recorded.
And Godzilla shows up (he really is a sidekick in his own movie here, sadly enough; JJ is the real focus).
(cut back to JJ getting his butt handed to him)
Joel: “Yeah, take your time Godzilla.”
Joel (on the monsters’ wild arm movements): “What are they signing for the hearing impaired?”
And they fight some more.
(Godzilla rips up a tree to fight with)
Crow: “He’s got a tree! He’s got a tree! This isn’t the Godzilla we know! He’s fighting dirty!”
Joel: “Hurst don’t it?”
Servo (as Jet Jaguar): “Godzilla? A tree? That’s not like you. Why? Why?”
And stock footage of Gigan cutting Godzilla (at night, by the way, while the rest of fight is during the day).
Servo: “And this one’s for ‘Rocky V.’ I haven’t seen it, but I hear it really sucks!”
(Godzilla sits on Gigan and pummels him)
Crow: “I hate you! I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you! Oh, I don’t like you I’ll..(gasp) What have I done!?”
Actually kinda cool bit where Gigan attacks from above and Megalon from below.
Hilarious bit where Godzilla walks right into a punch.
So, Godzilla pretty handily deals with Megalon, while JJ gets UTTERLY thrashed by Gigan!
Gigan takes JJ hostage!
Crow (as Godzilla): “Come on, you don’t want to do that man! I’m here! Take me!”
Joel (as Gigan): “Hey, I’m just crazy enough to do it!”
Servo (as Godzilla): “Come on, punks’s not worth killing!”
And Megalon surrounds Godzilla and JJ with a ring of fire (lots of ‘war-buddy’ quips).
Crow: “Whoops, snapped your spine; sorry.”
Joel: “You know one day Jonny Cash will write a song about that.”
And they fly out (Godzilla holds onto JJ’s shoulders).
Some more great expressions from Megalon and Gigan.
(Godzilla blasts Megalon down)
Joel: “He fell him like a mighty oak.”
Godzilla blasts Megalon in the crotch! Twice!
JJ graphically breaks Gigan’s arm! Ew!
And there goes Gigan…flies away.
And we get perhaps the single goofiest bit of the whole Godzilla series; the tail-slide (he runs and slides across the ground on his tail).
And Megalon flees too.
Servo: “No Japanese actors in rubber suits were killed during the making of this film.”
And Godzilla and JJ share a handshake and G walks off.
Kid: “Bye bye!”
All: “SHUT UP!!”
Kid: “Godzilla! Bye Bye!”
Servo: “Thanks for leveling our country!”
Crow (as JJ): “You’re next puny humans.”
And he shrinks again…and drops the free will.
Crow (as JJ): “Yeah, sure, you control me. Right. I’ll be home crushing your house!”
Guy: “We’ll warn the scientists to be more careful in the future and let Seatopia rest in peace.”
Joel: “I’m sure they’ll listen, they’re good that way.”
And the ‘Jet Jaguar Fight Song’ plays…it will scar you for life.
Final Segment: The bots get new arms. Crow gets a coat-hanger and a lobster claw. Servo gets a swiss-army knife and a flame-thrower (“I am the god of hell-fire!”). They also translate the Jet Jaguar Fight Song (“He Crime-fighting cover up basic insecurity”). Then they read a letter (some great puppeteering by Trace as Crow tries to eat some popcorn). An all around hilarious sketch! Frank gets a little too attached to his Mario game.
Stinger: Godzilla jumps off a cliff. Come on! They do this but not the tail-slide?! Or any of the other moments during the fight? Sloppy, sloppy. I rather suspect they intended it to be the tail-slide (cause really, what else could it reasonably be?), but some editor goofed it up and they didn’t have time to fix it.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. First Spaceship to Venus
6. Rocketship XM
7. Moon Zero Two
8. Godzilla vs. Megalon
9. The Crawling Hand
10. Catalina Caper
11. King Dinosaur
12. Jungle Goddess
13. Wild Rebels
14. The Corpse Vanishes
15. Ring of Terror
16. Untamed Youth
17. The Slime People
18. Project Moonbase
19. The Sidehackers
20. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
21. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
22. Hellcats
23. Rocket Attack USA
24. Robot Holocaust
25. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Fun movie, great riffing, and great host segments make for the best episode yet!
Final Rating: 10/10.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Mst3k 210 – First Spaceship to Venus
I really was expecting more from this episode. It’s not bad, I just found it very…forgettable. Even while I was watching it made little impression on me, and now I find it makes even less looking back.
The story is that a mysterious spool of mechanical thread is found in the desert, which they somehow figure out is from Venus. So, naturally, the world mounts an expedition to Venus. There’s some stuff that happens on the way, then they get there and do sciency stuff, and they discover that the Venusians accidentally wiped themselves out with their own weapons, there are a few crises, and finally they return home minus three of the crew who die at the end.
The movie itself actually wasn’t that bad; I think it might be interesting to watch on its own, actually. There are some good ideas here and the action is fairly restrained (thought a scene involving attacking slime is pretty goofy). The riffing is pretty solid, though rather sparse and, again, not very memorable for the most part. Sorry; this is really a pretty ‘blah’ episode for me and I don’t have much to say about it. There are some decent host segments along the way, especially Tom’s ‘Sarcasm Sequencer,’ which ends just as it was starting to get annoying, and the bots trying to build a robot. Otherwise, nothing much to say.
Thoughts While Watching:
Opening: Servo’s sarcasm sequencer is increased. It’s a pretty amusing sketch; Kevin Murphy has a tour-de-force.
Invention Exchange: Joel warns the Mads off from copying his invention and invents the junk-drawer helper; a junk-drawer starter kit (they’ll revisit this idea in a few seasons). The Mads try to find their invention in their junk-drawer. Several amusing bits; and they find Abe Vigoda at the bottom.
I like them acting sad as the titles fly off into the distance.
Opening narration; mention the Tunguska Blast and claim it was a spaceship.
Funny bit where they have a reporter hitting on a camerawoman while they wait for a scientist.
Dr. Orlaf: “I’m referring, naturally, to the spool which may contain a document of great importance in an unknown language, recorded apparently by magnetic process.”
Crow: “Naturally.”
Narrator mispronounces ‘Einstein’ as ‘Einshtein’
I love how the linguists automatically seem to be able to translate the alien language the instant they hear it.
(on radio operators in arctic gear)
Crow: “This is apartment 12b; can you send up some heat?”
Funny bit where a spinning radar device looks like it’s about to hit the characters…several times.
Repoter: “This is intavision calling the world.”
Crow: “Hi, this is the World; I’m not in right now, but…”
I love how in these movies NASA immediately decides to send manned missions to mysterious and possibly hostile planets.
Pilot: “How about you showing us your latest creation in robots?”
Crow: How about you shutting up and letting me get a word in edgewise!”
We meet the ‘cute’ robot. It’s basically a head on treads with a difficult-to-understand voice and a goofy little face. Crow puts it best.
Crow: “What a stupid robot!”
(pilot sees the female member of the expedition)
Pilot: “Tsumiko!”
Crow: “I will as soon as my lawyer gets here.”
Tsumiko: “Have a changed that much?”
Joel: “Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man!”
Wait, to make sure the crew is in good condition for their take-off in less than two days they put them in suspended animation? They’re a little paranoid, aren’t they?
Joel: “Oh, tell her you love her, yah big galoot!”
(seeing the extras have letters on the shirts)
Servo: “The whole alphabet is there. They’re going to spell out ‘good-bye, suckers!’”
Servo (on the goofy space-suits): “This is the day the teddy-bears fly to Venus!”
Spaceship’s design is completely ridiculous, but kinda cool.
First host Segment: The bots make a robot. It doesn’t do anything apart from foaming at the mouth, but it’s cool nonetheless. At least, the bots think so. The foam covers them as the commercials roll. A fun sketch.
Of course they hit a meteorite swarm! Every space movie has meteorites!
(as a guy talks into a thin microphone)
Joel: “Mr. Toothbrush, you’re the only one who understands me.”
Robot plays chess with other guy.
(on the robot)
Tsumiko: “If he only had a heart.”
Crow: “A brain,”
Joel: “A home,”
Servo: “da neurve.”
(guy setting up chessboard is interrupted by the ship rocking)
Crow: “Aw, he’ll do anything to win!”
And there are the meteors!
Scientist: “We’ll have to go outside to repair it.”
Crow: “Outside? In this weather?”
(on spacewalk)
Crow: “Hey, look at him squirm out there! That’s our Bob!”
(on the odd, clucking sound effect)
Servo: “Can somebody shoot that turkey?”
Yeah, does chess-guy have a job?
Linguist: “We have finally deciphered the last part of the spool; it gives meaning to the entire document.”
Servo: “It says blulalafjalfjalejfhelflaeflkj!”
(after an indecipherable playback of the spool)
Joel: “Uh, it gets better.”
I like how the usual ‘people will panic’ excuse is refuted.
Second Host Segment: They’re visited by an alien gorilla. It’s a pretty funny sketch as Crow and Servo debate how to react.
Scientist: “I’ll go in the crawler-copter.”
Crow: “Oh, the crawler-copter, that’s your answer to everything!”
(as scientist takes off to land on Venus)
Crow:”heh heh; ah, the guy’s lunch-meat. Hi, Bill! He’s got no idea what I’m saying to him. You look good! Haha! He’s dead. Good luck! He’ll never see his family again. Way to go sport! He’ll be vaporized within the hour. We’re with you! Haha, sucker.”
Scientist: “I’m not receiving you.”
Servo: “I’m getting the ‘Ha!’ channel.”
Servo: “At least we have our ‘Ewok’ suits to cheer us up.”
Damn, and I thought the first words on Nova were lame; the first words on Venus are ‘Omega, you take the lead.’
Scientist (to robot): “How long can we stay here?”
Crow: “About…three minutes…ago.”
(on some really weird toy-like aliens)
Joel (hilarious little voice): “Come on, smart-boy, try your hand! Go ahead! I sit at the right hand of the devil; I am evil incarnate!”
Joel: “We are the planet of novelty items!”
Funny bit where the landing spaceship lands RIGHT ON the guy they sent down (he’s in a hole, so he survives, but still; what’re the odds?
Joel: “We make excellent stocking-stuffers, you shall come to know that in time!”
(on the weird screaming sound the scientist is showing off)
Servo: “Oh, yeah, that’s really significant.”
Scientist: “Where are the inhabitants? They saw our spaceship land, they couldn’t have missed it, and yet nothing has happened!”
Servo: “Oh, maybe there’s a ballgame on.”
Narrated montage of work…
Narrator: “The storms which whip across Venus only make the work harder.”
Crow (close up of crew member): “You know these winds only make the work harder!”
Crew Member: “That’s where the lines lead, alright; there’s no doubt.”
Servo: “I know; I was a meter-man once.”
(Camera drifts downwards)
Servo: “Uh, I think you need to tighten the wind-nut on that camera!”
Scientist: “I think that a terrible catastrophe occurred on Venus.”
Servo: “Yeah, you guys arrived.”
Humorously abrupt cut…
They follow a power cable looking for life…
Joel: “Huh. Hell from on high; that’s not supposed to happen.”
(In front of a huge opening)
Crew member: “This must be the entrance.”
Servo: “Oh what was your first clue, butthead?”
Servo: “Someone with a very different vision made this movie guys.”
So, they go down into the building, accidentally kick a rock into some magma-like stuff, and it starts collapsing and the magma comes after them…
Joel (watching the chaos): “Hey give them a break, they just stepped on a rock.”
Crow: “Brown 25: Building Block of the future.”
Servo (on the syrup-like gunk): “Mrs. Butterworth’s going to have a lot of explaining to do.”
The guy shoots something at it and it goes away.
Crow: “Looks like someone stands corrected on that ‘don’t shoot’ line.”
(guy pulls out toothbrush-like device to record an evil alien device)
Crow: “The magic toothbrush will save them; go, Tuppy go!”
Third Host Segment: Klack food commercial. It’s pretty amusing with odd, unappetizing recipes and some cut still images.
So there’s a crisis; the landing site is about to blow up or something, and half the crew is hours away.
Actually creepy bit where they see the shadows of Venusians killed in an atomic blast. This is a creepy phenomenon to begin with, and works well enough here.
Wait, so those crew members hours away are back suddenly; so much for tension.
And they start talking; I guess there was no crisis.
Anyway, the Venusians are all dead, but since one of the crew stepped on a rock it started the automatic attack sequence against Earth. I think.
Crow: “Oh, the rock! Will you let that die!”
The robot goes nuts!
Joel (as the robot): “Bedebedebede taste my steel.”
They can’t take off…of course. And there’s only one chance.
(Guy working in collection of wires and circuits)
Crow: “Hey, I think I found my class ring!”
Guy gets his suit punctured. And the crisis is over (though now they try to save punctured suit guy).
Crow: “Aw sure they’re all gonna die, but it looks cool!”
Crow: “Rocketing off the charts with that immortal hit, it’s ‘Bob’s Death.’”
Rocket gets hurled into space involuntarily.
So, linguist dies, black-guy gets left behind.
Mission control lady: “At the moment there is no reply.”
Crow: “There’s an angry black gentleman on line one.”
Servo (as newscast): “Attention Mr. and Mrs. North America and all the ships at sea; gutless astronauts left friends on planet; returning today!”
And they have a triumphal return! Great.
Servo (singing along to the music): “This is the song that we sing when you come home from Venus!”
Crew member: “Talloway saved the expedition from disaster.”
Crow: “And then became compost”
Crew Member: “and Brinkman,”
Joel: “Screamed like a baby when we flew off and left him.”
Crow (as scientist): “My one piece of advice; do not have the Venusian poo-poo platter.”
(random woman starts making out with crew member)
Crow: “Hey who’s this? Who are you? Hey, get her off me!”
Final Host Segment: They discuss the movie; Crow liked it, Joel is depressed, Servo is sarcastic. Servo gets so sarcastic his head explodes. Letters. Ends with a Monty Python reference from Tom. Not bad. Dr. F throws up in the junk drawer.
Stinger: Oddly-dressed crowd waving good-bye. Certainly an oddly amusing moment. No complaints here.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. First Spaceship to Venus
6. Rocketship XM
7. Moon Zero Two
8. The Crawling Hand
9. Catalina Caper
10. King Dinosaur
11. Jungle Goddess
12. Wild Rebels
13. The Corpse Vanishes
14. Ring of Terror
15. Untamed Youth
16. The Slime People
17. Project Moonbase
18. The Sidehackers
19. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
20. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
21. Hellcats
22. Rocket Attack USA
23. Robot Holocaust
24. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Decent riffing, decent host segments, and decent movie, but somehow it all doesn’t come together into a memorable episode.
Final Rating: 6/10.
The story is that a mysterious spool of mechanical thread is found in the desert, which they somehow figure out is from Venus. So, naturally, the world mounts an expedition to Venus. There’s some stuff that happens on the way, then they get there and do sciency stuff, and they discover that the Venusians accidentally wiped themselves out with their own weapons, there are a few crises, and finally they return home minus three of the crew who die at the end.
The movie itself actually wasn’t that bad; I think it might be interesting to watch on its own, actually. There are some good ideas here and the action is fairly restrained (thought a scene involving attacking slime is pretty goofy). The riffing is pretty solid, though rather sparse and, again, not very memorable for the most part. Sorry; this is really a pretty ‘blah’ episode for me and I don’t have much to say about it. There are some decent host segments along the way, especially Tom’s ‘Sarcasm Sequencer,’ which ends just as it was starting to get annoying, and the bots trying to build a robot. Otherwise, nothing much to say.
Thoughts While Watching:
Opening: Servo’s sarcasm sequencer is increased. It’s a pretty amusing sketch; Kevin Murphy has a tour-de-force.
Invention Exchange: Joel warns the Mads off from copying his invention and invents the junk-drawer helper; a junk-drawer starter kit (they’ll revisit this idea in a few seasons). The Mads try to find their invention in their junk-drawer. Several amusing bits; and they find Abe Vigoda at the bottom.
I like them acting sad as the titles fly off into the distance.
Opening narration; mention the Tunguska Blast and claim it was a spaceship.
Funny bit where they have a reporter hitting on a camerawoman while they wait for a scientist.
Dr. Orlaf: “I’m referring, naturally, to the spool which may contain a document of great importance in an unknown language, recorded apparently by magnetic process.”
Crow: “Naturally.”
Narrator mispronounces ‘Einstein’ as ‘Einshtein’
I love how the linguists automatically seem to be able to translate the alien language the instant they hear it.
(on radio operators in arctic gear)
Crow: “This is apartment 12b; can you send up some heat?”
Funny bit where a spinning radar device looks like it’s about to hit the characters…several times.
Repoter: “This is intavision calling the world.”
Crow: “Hi, this is the World; I’m not in right now, but…”
I love how in these movies NASA immediately decides to send manned missions to mysterious and possibly hostile planets.
Pilot: “How about you showing us your latest creation in robots?”
Crow: How about you shutting up and letting me get a word in edgewise!”
We meet the ‘cute’ robot. It’s basically a head on treads with a difficult-to-understand voice and a goofy little face. Crow puts it best.
Crow: “What a stupid robot!”
(pilot sees the female member of the expedition)
Pilot: “Tsumiko!”
Crow: “I will as soon as my lawyer gets here.”
Tsumiko: “Have a changed that much?”
Joel: “Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man!”
Wait, to make sure the crew is in good condition for their take-off in less than two days they put them in suspended animation? They’re a little paranoid, aren’t they?
Joel: “Oh, tell her you love her, yah big galoot!”
(seeing the extras have letters on the shirts)
Servo: “The whole alphabet is there. They’re going to spell out ‘good-bye, suckers!’”
Servo (on the goofy space-suits): “This is the day the teddy-bears fly to Venus!”
Spaceship’s design is completely ridiculous, but kinda cool.
First host Segment: The bots make a robot. It doesn’t do anything apart from foaming at the mouth, but it’s cool nonetheless. At least, the bots think so. The foam covers them as the commercials roll. A fun sketch.
Of course they hit a meteorite swarm! Every space movie has meteorites!
(as a guy talks into a thin microphone)
Joel: “Mr. Toothbrush, you’re the only one who understands me.”
Robot plays chess with other guy.
(on the robot)
Tsumiko: “If he only had a heart.”
Crow: “A brain,”
Joel: “A home,”
Servo: “da neurve.”
(guy setting up chessboard is interrupted by the ship rocking)
Crow: “Aw, he’ll do anything to win!”
And there are the meteors!
Scientist: “We’ll have to go outside to repair it.”
Crow: “Outside? In this weather?”
(on spacewalk)
Crow: “Hey, look at him squirm out there! That’s our Bob!”
(on the odd, clucking sound effect)
Servo: “Can somebody shoot that turkey?”
Yeah, does chess-guy have a job?
Linguist: “We have finally deciphered the last part of the spool; it gives meaning to the entire document.”
Servo: “It says blulalafjalfjalejfhelflaeflkj!”
(after an indecipherable playback of the spool)
Joel: “Uh, it gets better.”
I like how the usual ‘people will panic’ excuse is refuted.
Second Host Segment: They’re visited by an alien gorilla. It’s a pretty funny sketch as Crow and Servo debate how to react.
Scientist: “I’ll go in the crawler-copter.”
Crow: “Oh, the crawler-copter, that’s your answer to everything!”
(as scientist takes off to land on Venus)
Crow:”heh heh; ah, the guy’s lunch-meat. Hi, Bill! He’s got no idea what I’m saying to him. You look good! Haha! He’s dead. Good luck! He’ll never see his family again. Way to go sport! He’ll be vaporized within the hour. We’re with you! Haha, sucker.”
Scientist: “I’m not receiving you.”
Servo: “I’m getting the ‘Ha!’ channel.”
Servo: “At least we have our ‘Ewok’ suits to cheer us up.”
Damn, and I thought the first words on Nova were lame; the first words on Venus are ‘Omega, you take the lead.’
Scientist (to robot): “How long can we stay here?”
Crow: “About…three minutes…ago.”
(on some really weird toy-like aliens)
Joel (hilarious little voice): “Come on, smart-boy, try your hand! Go ahead! I sit at the right hand of the devil; I am evil incarnate!”
Joel: “We are the planet of novelty items!”
Funny bit where the landing spaceship lands RIGHT ON the guy they sent down (he’s in a hole, so he survives, but still; what’re the odds?
Joel: “We make excellent stocking-stuffers, you shall come to know that in time!”
(on the weird screaming sound the scientist is showing off)
Servo: “Oh, yeah, that’s really significant.”
Scientist: “Where are the inhabitants? They saw our spaceship land, they couldn’t have missed it, and yet nothing has happened!”
Servo: “Oh, maybe there’s a ballgame on.”
Narrated montage of work…
Narrator: “The storms which whip across Venus only make the work harder.”
Crow (close up of crew member): “You know these winds only make the work harder!”
Crew Member: “That’s where the lines lead, alright; there’s no doubt.”
Servo: “I know; I was a meter-man once.”
(Camera drifts downwards)
Servo: “Uh, I think you need to tighten the wind-nut on that camera!”
Scientist: “I think that a terrible catastrophe occurred on Venus.”
Servo: “Yeah, you guys arrived.”
Humorously abrupt cut…
They follow a power cable looking for life…
Joel: “Huh. Hell from on high; that’s not supposed to happen.”
(In front of a huge opening)
Crew member: “This must be the entrance.”
Servo: “Oh what was your first clue, butthead?”
Servo: “Someone with a very different vision made this movie guys.”
So, they go down into the building, accidentally kick a rock into some magma-like stuff, and it starts collapsing and the magma comes after them…
Joel (watching the chaos): “Hey give them a break, they just stepped on a rock.”
Crow: “Brown 25: Building Block of the future.”
Servo (on the syrup-like gunk): “Mrs. Butterworth’s going to have a lot of explaining to do.”
The guy shoots something at it and it goes away.
Crow: “Looks like someone stands corrected on that ‘don’t shoot’ line.”
(guy pulls out toothbrush-like device to record an evil alien device)
Crow: “The magic toothbrush will save them; go, Tuppy go!”
Third Host Segment: Klack food commercial. It’s pretty amusing with odd, unappetizing recipes and some cut still images.
So there’s a crisis; the landing site is about to blow up or something, and half the crew is hours away.
Actually creepy bit where they see the shadows of Venusians killed in an atomic blast. This is a creepy phenomenon to begin with, and works well enough here.
Wait, so those crew members hours away are back suddenly; so much for tension.
And they start talking; I guess there was no crisis.
Anyway, the Venusians are all dead, but since one of the crew stepped on a rock it started the automatic attack sequence against Earth. I think.
Crow: “Oh, the rock! Will you let that die!”
The robot goes nuts!
Joel (as the robot): “Bedebedebede taste my steel.”
They can’t take off…of course. And there’s only one chance.
(Guy working in collection of wires and circuits)
Crow: “Hey, I think I found my class ring!”
Guy gets his suit punctured. And the crisis is over (though now they try to save punctured suit guy).
Crow: “Aw sure they’re all gonna die, but it looks cool!”
Crow: “Rocketing off the charts with that immortal hit, it’s ‘Bob’s Death.’”
Rocket gets hurled into space involuntarily.
So, linguist dies, black-guy gets left behind.
Mission control lady: “At the moment there is no reply.”
Crow: “There’s an angry black gentleman on line one.”
Servo (as newscast): “Attention Mr. and Mrs. North America and all the ships at sea; gutless astronauts left friends on planet; returning today!”
And they have a triumphal return! Great.
Servo (singing along to the music): “This is the song that we sing when you come home from Venus!”
Crew member: “Talloway saved the expedition from disaster.”
Crow: “And then became compost”
Crew Member: “and Brinkman,”
Joel: “Screamed like a baby when we flew off and left him.”
Crow (as scientist): “My one piece of advice; do not have the Venusian poo-poo platter.”
(random woman starts making out with crew member)
Crow: “Hey who’s this? Who are you? Hey, get her off me!”
Final Host Segment: They discuss the movie; Crow liked it, Joel is depressed, Servo is sarcastic. Servo gets so sarcastic his head explodes. Letters. Ends with a Monty Python reference from Tom. Not bad. Dr. F throws up in the junk drawer.
Stinger: Oddly-dressed crowd waving good-bye. Certainly an oddly amusing moment. No complaints here.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. First Spaceship to Venus
6. Rocketship XM
7. Moon Zero Two
8. The Crawling Hand
9. Catalina Caper
10. King Dinosaur
11. Jungle Goddess
12. Wild Rebels
13. The Corpse Vanishes
14. Ring of Terror
15. Untamed Youth
16. The Slime People
17. Project Moonbase
18. The Sidehackers
19. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
20. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
21. Hellcats
22. Rocket Attack USA
23. Robot Holocaust
24. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Decent riffing, decent host segments, and decent movie, but somehow it all doesn’t come together into a memorable episode.
Final Rating: 6/10.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
MST3K: Episode 210 – King Dinosaur (With Short: X Marks the Spot)
Just about anything would be an improvement over the previous episode, and King Dinosaur doesn’t disappoint.
The story is that a new planet has been discovered, dubbed ‘Planet Nova’ (why does no movie keep with the established convention of naming planets after classical deities?). Naturally, the government decides to send a manned expedition of two couples; one blond, one brunette, consisting of male Zoologist and Doctor and female Chemist and Geologist. Once there, they find basically the same environment, only they claim it’s ‘younger’ than Earth. Not once do they express any surprise at the fact that all the life on Nova is exactly the same as that on Earth, with only a few embiggened varieties (such as a giant bug of some sort which just kind of shows up at one point).
Eventually, they explore a nearby island which they have been kind of obsessing over. They find some dinosaurs of the ‘stuff-glued-on-lizard’ type, led by an iguana which they try to claim as a T-Rex. There are a couple fights accomplished by throwing the iguana in with a caiman and then a monitor lizard and letting them go at it. Viewed from a modern perspective, this is pretty disturbing as the animals are clearly actually fighting and being injured in the name of this stupid little Saturday-matinee flick.
Anyway, so they escape the island and blow it up with an atomic bomb (which they had around just in case) for no reason whatsoever. Then they go home. That’s…really about it. Oh, and in between there’s some stuff with an alligator, a lemur, a snake, and the aforementioned giant bug. It doesn’t really come together; the actors just wander around some state park or another and occasionally shoot something or get attacked by something, then leave.
There are two major firsts in this episode; the most obvious is that it has the first of the educational shorts; ‘X Marks the Spot,’ a bizarre little film on driving safety where an absurdly bad driver named Joe Dokes dies in a crash and is being judged for whether he can survive based on his driving record (it apparently doesn’t matter whether you loved anyone or did good deeds, or anything like that). It’s a brilliantly riffed piece, and it seems something clicked in the minds of the Brains; from here on in, they would only do a few more serial shorts and one or two television episodes. Every other short they would do from here to the end of the series would be an educational or informative short of some sort. These will be frequently brilliantly riffed; classic little humor films of almost unmatched hilarity. The classic Mst3k shorts will become a staple of the series, and ‘X Marks the Spot’ is the beginning of that great tradition.
The second first is that this film is the first exposure to the work of Bert I. Gordon. Gordon would go on to be the most riffed director of the entire series, with eight films viewed by the Brains. Gordon was actually a semi-competent filmmaker and a true auteur; most of his films he wrote, produced, directed, and did the special effects for (usually from a garage studio with help from his wife). His specialty was enlarged creatures. His movies, while never particularly great, were frequently amusing and occasionally interesting. What I found most interesting about this episode, from the perspective of what is to come in the series, is how they focus more on Robert Lippert, the film’s producer (and producer of several previous films, including ‘Lost Continent,’ ‘Jungle Goddess,’ and ‘Rocketship XM’). It’s almost like reading an early comic book issue where the Joker is a supporting villain to the Clock King or something; soon Lippert will be almost forgotten and B.I.G. will be the Brains’ primary opponent.
Riffwise, the episode is very strong; there are frequent hilarious riffs on the slow pace, the brainless science, and the various animals. There are some dry stretches (par the course for season 2), but there are enough laugh-out-loud moments to counter them.
The host segments are more mixed: the invention exchange, particularly Dr. F’s being accidentally squashed by an elevator, is hilarious. The first segment is good too; with several great lines from Crow. The next two segments are less successful; the ‘Joey the Lemur’ sketch is so bizarre and incoherent that it’s become fairly infamous, and even gets mocked in a later season by the Brains themselves. The ‘emotional scientists’ bit didn’t do it for me either. The final segment is alright, though; Joel has some funny moments with a Theremin.
In the end, a great short and some great riffing make for a strong episode marred by some lame host segments.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Beat poetry on the Satellite of Love a rather amusing look at a truly lame type of poetry; I like the bots’ beards too.
Invention exchange: Some amusing bits from Dr. F. And a hilarious bit where Frank accidentally crushes Dr. F in the elevator. He’s now the pocket scientist! Joel has ‘incredibly stinky sweat socks.’ This is one of the funniest exchanges yet, despite not having any real inventions. Mostly Dr. F sells the show.
Short: Their first educational short!
Joel (on the credits): “Webber, the grill magnate.”
Open with a lethargic, elderly commissioner speaking to the audience.
Commissioner: “The loss of life…of a war worker means a definite set-back to our war program.”
Crow: “If you kill yourselves here, we can’t kill them over there.”
Commissioner (on accident victims): “Just once in a while they were careless, or inconsiderate…”
Crow: “Or they didn’t want to live in New Jersey anymore.”
And we switch narrators for the next part of the short.
We meet Joe Dokes; an absurdly bad driver.
Joel: “Hot dog! I got a date with death!”
Okay, even in the forties and even if he’s really mad, would anyone try to cross the street by opening the passenger door, crawling through the car, and out the other side? I can’t blame Joe for that.
Narrator: “Now, there was a street-intersection not far from where Joe lived…”
Crow: “Called ‘Blood Alley.’”
(Guy prepares for seeing the crash by shutting his eyes and putting his fingers in his ears)
Servo: “Well, I guess he can’t be a witness.”
And Joe’s dead and a ghost.
(hand taps Joe on the shoulder)
Crow: “Are you George Bailey? Oh, sorry, wrong film.”
Angel: “You used to know ‘em.”
Servo: “They’re your pallbearers now.”
And they go to see the Judge.
Crow (as Judge): “I’ll be with you in a moment, I’m just sealing some fates”
Servo: “Excuse me, uh, pardon me your…uh, Mr. God?”
Servo: “Dear diary; It’s hard being God…”
Joe: “Good-morning, sir.”
Judge: “There are no good mornings here.”
Servo: “I’ll decide if it’s a good morning or not!”
Judge: “You were born in New Jersey, eh?”
Crow: “I thought I smelled something.”
(Joe is begging to be spared)
Joe: “Besides, I’ve got almost a whole book of eight coupons left!”
Crow: “Oh, you should have presented those immediately upon ordering!”
Angel: “He was always sneaking up behind and scaring pedestrians…”
Joel: “Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed that.”
Judge: “That description fitted someone else I know. If you know who I mean…”
Crow: “Hitler? Nah, he drove a stick.”
Another ‘I’m huge’!
Angel: “After that I never any trouble with Joe around schools; he’d crawl by at a snail’s pace.”
Servo: “Nursing homes though, woah!”
Judge: “Did he ever drive when he’d been drinking?”
Joel: “Oh, boy, I need my other scroll for that; that’s a doozy.”
Judge: “I want the whole truth.”
Servo: “So help me, Me!”
Judge: “I have book-full of those ‘just a cock-tale or two’ drinkers.”
Servo: “Jerk wouldn’t let me in their club.”
Judge: “Was there any traffic rule he didn’t violate?”
Joe: “Yes sir, I never hit-and-run.”
Joel: “Oh, well that changes everything!”
Angel: “He’d weave through traffic like a mouse-through-a-maze.”
Servo: “Squeaking and calling himself ‘Algernon’.”
Angel: “He, uh, stayed up with a sick friend…”
Judge: “He what?”
Servo: “He got plowed, okay?”
Judge (indicating the camera): “I leave that to this jury of drivers and pedestrians.”
Servo: “Oh, guilty; hang him! String him up! And get the director too.”
Joel: “Oh, great, we’re stranded in space and we still have to pull jury duty.”
I like Crow really getting into it.
First Host Segment: Crow wonders if he’s qualified (based on the end of the short). It’s a great little speech which becomes semi-inspirational then goes off the rails. “Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look.” A great bit and a tour-de-force for Trace Beaulieu.
And Robert Lippert is back.
Also features the first appearance of filmmaking auteur Bert I. Gordon, who will direct more Mst3k’d movies than anyone else.
Narrator: “On April 23rd, the word to start comes from Washington.”
All: “Start!”
(on a shot of an observatory)
Servo: “Then the world’s largest roll-on deodorant was invented.”
(shot of a metal being tested and snapping)
Crow: “Oops.”
Narrator: “Switch on for jet-engine test number 87!”
Servo: “Oh, so the announcer is calling the shots now?”
Narrator: “There is no margin for error.”
Crow: “There is a margin for shame, however.”
So, the portal power plant is also a small nuclear weapon. Nope, this won’t come into play later.
Narrator: “Record every vibrating pulse”
All: “Ohhh yeah…!”
(on a shot of test mice)
Joel: “Hi. My name in Benji and I’m a pan-dimensional being.”
Ah, so ‘the mice weren’t killed in the test, everything’s ready for people!’
Narrator mispronounces ‘Zoology.’
(Zoologist looking over a fossilized skull)
Crow: “I’d say this patient is dead; I’m no expert, but…”
Oh, come on! That’s a V-2! You couldn’t fit one person in there, let alone four!
Narrator (on the physician): “With the experience of treating most diseases and fatalities that overtake men.”
(they don’t comment on that, but how do you ‘treat’ a fatality?)
They really seem to be flying by the seat of their pants here, kind of like in Rocketship XM.
(shot of two guys looking in some sort of device with eye-pieces pointed at each other)
Crow: “You look neat.”
Hilarious bit where the narrator counts down WAY too fast.
(the rocket sputters and doesn’t take off for a second)
Servo: “Maybe you should take your foot off the clutch!”
Really bad process shot of the rocket landing.
The planet really looks a LOT like Earth…(as in, they filmed in a convenient park and hand-waved an explanation)
Servo: “Guys, I think they landed in Wisconsin.”
You know, it would be really embarrassing for the first words on a new planet to be ‘we’re first.’ No duh, you’re first!
So, an active volcano means it’s a young world? How does that logic work?
Of course life as you know it can exist; you’re in a grassy field with trees right behind you!
Servo: “That’s patty-cake; it’s the international symbol for ‘off with your clothes.’”
And they’re paired off romantically already; whatever.
And they see some elk and bears; maybe this could also be evidence that ‘life as we know it can exist’!
They just leave their suits and equipment on the ground and go for a walk. Cause, you know, it’s not like anything could happen to it.
The instant someone mentions the island there’s a scare chord.
Doctor: “All they want in Washington are tests and samples…”
Servo: “An d a few neat souvenirs.”
And the women immediately decide to take a bath in the strange lake on the unknown planet!
Crow (on a cute sloth-thing): “I’m Chirpy, the mutant hell-beast, and I don’t like this film.”
The characters walk around some…
Zoologist (looking at a flock of birds): “It’s about three o’clock Earth time here…”
Servo: “Judging by those birds”
(on Zoologist giving an order)
Joel: “Besides, I decided that I’m the new god of this planet.”
(footage of a sloth)
Servo: “I symbolically represent the pace of this film.”
Servo: “They’re making pretty good time considering this is a Lippert film.”
(Cut them camping in a circle)
Crow: “and there on the handle was some stock-footage of a hook.”
So, I guess the geologist chick can tell the age of the planet from digging a bit in the field…
Chemist: “I’m scared to death and I’m not ashamed to admit it.”
Joel: “Thank you Mrs. Dedicated Scientist.”
Second Host Segment: Joey the Lemur. It’s a really weird sketch and Joel visibly struggles to remember his lines and flubs quite a few. It’s kind of bizarrely amusing (it has the overall feel of a fever dream). They mock this sketch several seasons down the line.
As they come back into the film, Joey attacks Servo.
(shot of a snake)
Joel: “Hi, remember me? I’m Satan; this is the first part of my three-picture development deal. We’ll be right back.”
Crow:” Shoot the snake, not the girl! On second thought…”
Oh, come on! Ms. Super-science panics when touched by a non-poisonous snake which he-man scientist then shoots twice with a rifle and decide that this means the place is getting too dangerous. Whatever.
(watching them build a lean-to)
Servo: “Why didn’t they use the tent they had in their back-packs?”
Joel: “Because they’re artists.”
Doctor is kind of gruff; at least geologist chick wanted to do something.
Doctor (to Zoologist): “Good-night old man.”
Servo: “I’m not old; I’m thirty-five. I could still take you, buddy.”
And chemist and doctor start making out. And they dump their watch to go make out. Yeah, the others won’t be killed in their sleep by anything on this hostile new prehistory planet!
(shot of an alligator)
Joel: “Hi, I couldn’t help noticing your suitcase and your shoes.”
And doctor starts fighting alligator while chemist stands there uselessly screaming.
Joel: “Sounds like an alligator mauling Bob!”
Inexplicable appearance by a giant beetle.
Crow: “I’m gonna need a bigger shoe…we’re gonna get a bigger shoe, right?”
And doctor shoots it.
Turns out they had left him alone with the chemist; I suspect the others were hoping they would both die (I know I was).
Chemist: “Relax…”
Crow: “Relax? There’s a bee the size of a moose over there and you want him to relax?”
And the Lemur shows up; actually named Joe. I think they just had a lemur around.
Geologist: “Who’s the cook tonight?”
Chemist: “I’ll do it.”
Crow: “How do you like your lemur?”
Geologists: “I think they’ve read too much science fiction; they all thought we’d meet some sort of super-race up here or something!”
Servo: “and all we’ve met are large, mutated animals!
Zoologist (to chemist): “You do whatever work you can around here.”
Crow: “Yeah, why don’t you practice screaming?”
(off-screen animal growl)
Crow: “Uh, good, but back of the throat; little higher.”
And the hideous beast that made that noise was…that python again. Come on!
Zoologist is too busy playing with the lemur to notice the huge snake wandering into their camp.
They do an odd, but funny little riff bit where Satan is the spokesman for Kraft cheese products…
So, they need to travel light, but they take the flippin’ lemur!?
Tell me those aren’t their space-suits still lying on the ground…
(film suddenly breaks and goes black)
Servo: “Cut! Cut!”
Crow: “I’ve gone blind!”
(rumblings are heard)
Geologist: “What’s that?”
Zoologist: “Just thunder.”
Servo: “Actually just jet noise; they’ll fix it in post.”
Man, Zoologist is mean! He just pulls Joe up roughly by the tale! What does Geologist see in him?
(Chemist looks through microscope)
Doctor: “Learn anything?”
Servo: “Yeah, you’re the father.”
Geologist:”What a desolate, forsaken place.”
Crow: “What a stilted, pretentious line.”
Joel (as Joe the lemur): “I’d really like to go back now; I think you’ll find only evil here. I bring a message from Gorgon, he tells you not to come here! Please! I abhor you! Please! Listen to the sacred writings I bring!”
And they find the giant iguana standing on its hind legs; the titular ‘King Dinosaur’. Whatever.
Crow (as the iguana): “Throw me the lemur, that’s all I want!”
Crow (as Iguana): “Before you take me into your heart I should mention I eat my young; did I mention that before?”
What our hero is going back for the frickin’ lemur! Look, I think the lemur can handle itself!
And he gets off-screen bitten.
Third Host Segment: Emotional Scientist. It falls apart. I love Servo as the director! But…Joel is kind of dreary here. It’s nothing special.
And here comes a caiman; there has to be a lizard fight. Which is again, pretty unpleasant considering they just throw the animals together and have them fight.
Servo (pan up the iguana): “Hey! Nastashia Kins…oh.”
(Another lizard shows up and perches on a rock)
Joel: “I’ll just watch from up here.”
Crow: “Who’s that?”
Servo: “That’s the ref.”
And Servo reuses that ‘gecko-Roman wrestling’ joke from Robot Monster.
The guys act appalled at the fight, as well they should.
Funny ‘Macbeth stage direction’ bit.
(seeing a flare)
Servo: “That means, lizard wrestling! Red flare at night, lizards fight, red flare in the morning, lizards take warning!”
And they edit it so that it looks like the iguana won.
They actually do a little discussion on their own riffing; kind of rare to hear them do that.
Crow: “Will you guys knock it off? I can’t concentrate on my own lame wise-cracks!”
Joel (as caiman): “I might be dead, but I won on points.”
And the Iguana immediately goes back to attacking the humans, even when he has a big, juicy, dead caiman to munch on!
Crow: “Don’t think I forgot about you! I gave you half-an-hour to escape and what do you do? You stay here. Fine!”
And the other two come after them.
Zoologist (on the iguana): “It resembles the tyrannosaurus Rex of Earth’s prehistoric age.”
Servo: “No it doesn’t!”
Crow: “Sorry, no way!”
Servo: “It’s a lizard from ‘Pet World’!”
Zoologist: “It’s just like living in the past.”
Crow: “It’s an iguana!”
Oh, and a monitor lizard; great.
Uh, the Iguana’s gone; maybe you should try to escape!
Chemist: “Oh what is it!?”
Crow: “IT’S AN IGUANA!”
So, the chemist and doctor come to rescue the others and decide that ‘they have to come to us’ great rescue attempt guys! I don’t know what we would’ve done without you!
And now they run! Delayed-action fight-or-flight.
Joel (as the victorious iguana): “Alright; now that that’s done I’m coming for Lippert. Pay-back time!”
Doctor: “I brought the atom bomb; I think it’s a good time to use it.”
Servo: “Oh, that’s your answer to everything! Just use the atom bomb!”
By the way, apart from killing, what is the point of nuking the island? What, are they afraid the iguana’s gonna retaliate against Earth or something?
Doctor (on the A-Bomb): “It’s set for eight o’clock.”
Servo: “Right now it’s…thirty-seconds to eight! Ahh!”
Oh, and they run into an armadillo and start shooting at it.
Servo: “Oh, what did he ever do!?”
And random shots of buffalo and a wooly mammoth. (the shag-carpeting can be seen coming off the elephant’s trunk).
Servo: “You know, I think the film on this lake is better than the film we’re watching!”
(on the nuclear blast)
Crow: “It looks like the beginning of ‘Petticoat Junction;’ Petticoat Armageddon.”
Crow (on the lemur): “Thanks for annihilating everything I know!”
Servo: “And so, with peace in their hearts and fiery-death in the sky, they went home.”
I must reiterate how utterly pointless the entire ‘use the atom bomb’ thing was. All they had to do was leave!
Final Host Segment: Robert Lippert movies and the Theremin. I like Servo trying to gently tell Joel to turn the Theremin off…and Joel waltzing with it. And the bots read a letter where some people rate them. Imagine that!
Stinger: Chemist screams as doctor stumbles and falls. Now this is a pretty funny stinger; odd and off kilter and funny in and of itself. Good choice!
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. King Dinosaur
10. Jungle Goddess
11. Wild Rebels
12. The Corpse Vanishes
13. Ring of Terror
14. Untamed Youth
15. The Slime People
16. Project Moonbase
17. The Sidehackers
18. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
19. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
20. Hellcats
21. Rocket Attack USA
22. Robot Holocaust
23. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Great riffing, the first classic short, and an amusingly stupid film make for a good episode marred by some lame host segments.
Final Rating: 7/10.
The story is that a new planet has been discovered, dubbed ‘Planet Nova’ (why does no movie keep with the established convention of naming planets after classical deities?). Naturally, the government decides to send a manned expedition of two couples; one blond, one brunette, consisting of male Zoologist and Doctor and female Chemist and Geologist. Once there, they find basically the same environment, only they claim it’s ‘younger’ than Earth. Not once do they express any surprise at the fact that all the life on Nova is exactly the same as that on Earth, with only a few embiggened varieties (such as a giant bug of some sort which just kind of shows up at one point).
Eventually, they explore a nearby island which they have been kind of obsessing over. They find some dinosaurs of the ‘stuff-glued-on-lizard’ type, led by an iguana which they try to claim as a T-Rex. There are a couple fights accomplished by throwing the iguana in with a caiman and then a monitor lizard and letting them go at it. Viewed from a modern perspective, this is pretty disturbing as the animals are clearly actually fighting and being injured in the name of this stupid little Saturday-matinee flick.
Anyway, so they escape the island and blow it up with an atomic bomb (which they had around just in case) for no reason whatsoever. Then they go home. That’s…really about it. Oh, and in between there’s some stuff with an alligator, a lemur, a snake, and the aforementioned giant bug. It doesn’t really come together; the actors just wander around some state park or another and occasionally shoot something or get attacked by something, then leave.
There are two major firsts in this episode; the most obvious is that it has the first of the educational shorts; ‘X Marks the Spot,’ a bizarre little film on driving safety where an absurdly bad driver named Joe Dokes dies in a crash and is being judged for whether he can survive based on his driving record (it apparently doesn’t matter whether you loved anyone or did good deeds, or anything like that). It’s a brilliantly riffed piece, and it seems something clicked in the minds of the Brains; from here on in, they would only do a few more serial shorts and one or two television episodes. Every other short they would do from here to the end of the series would be an educational or informative short of some sort. These will be frequently brilliantly riffed; classic little humor films of almost unmatched hilarity. The classic Mst3k shorts will become a staple of the series, and ‘X Marks the Spot’ is the beginning of that great tradition.
The second first is that this film is the first exposure to the work of Bert I. Gordon. Gordon would go on to be the most riffed director of the entire series, with eight films viewed by the Brains. Gordon was actually a semi-competent filmmaker and a true auteur; most of his films he wrote, produced, directed, and did the special effects for (usually from a garage studio with help from his wife). His specialty was enlarged creatures. His movies, while never particularly great, were frequently amusing and occasionally interesting. What I found most interesting about this episode, from the perspective of what is to come in the series, is how they focus more on Robert Lippert, the film’s producer (and producer of several previous films, including ‘Lost Continent,’ ‘Jungle Goddess,’ and ‘Rocketship XM’). It’s almost like reading an early comic book issue where the Joker is a supporting villain to the Clock King or something; soon Lippert will be almost forgotten and B.I.G. will be the Brains’ primary opponent.
Riffwise, the episode is very strong; there are frequent hilarious riffs on the slow pace, the brainless science, and the various animals. There are some dry stretches (par the course for season 2), but there are enough laugh-out-loud moments to counter them.
The host segments are more mixed: the invention exchange, particularly Dr. F’s being accidentally squashed by an elevator, is hilarious. The first segment is good too; with several great lines from Crow. The next two segments are less successful; the ‘Joey the Lemur’ sketch is so bizarre and incoherent that it’s become fairly infamous, and even gets mocked in a later season by the Brains themselves. The ‘emotional scientists’ bit didn’t do it for me either. The final segment is alright, though; Joel has some funny moments with a Theremin.
In the end, a great short and some great riffing make for a strong episode marred by some lame host segments.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Beat poetry on the Satellite of Love a rather amusing look at a truly lame type of poetry; I like the bots’ beards too.
Invention exchange: Some amusing bits from Dr. F. And a hilarious bit where Frank accidentally crushes Dr. F in the elevator. He’s now the pocket scientist! Joel has ‘incredibly stinky sweat socks.’ This is one of the funniest exchanges yet, despite not having any real inventions. Mostly Dr. F sells the show.
Short: Their first educational short!
Joel (on the credits): “Webber, the grill magnate.”
Open with a lethargic, elderly commissioner speaking to the audience.
Commissioner: “The loss of life…of a war worker means a definite set-back to our war program.”
Crow: “If you kill yourselves here, we can’t kill them over there.”
Commissioner (on accident victims): “Just once in a while they were careless, or inconsiderate…”
Crow: “Or they didn’t want to live in New Jersey anymore.”
And we switch narrators for the next part of the short.
We meet Joe Dokes; an absurdly bad driver.
Joel: “Hot dog! I got a date with death!”
Okay, even in the forties and even if he’s really mad, would anyone try to cross the street by opening the passenger door, crawling through the car, and out the other side? I can’t blame Joe for that.
Narrator: “Now, there was a street-intersection not far from where Joe lived…”
Crow: “Called ‘Blood Alley.’”
(Guy prepares for seeing the crash by shutting his eyes and putting his fingers in his ears)
Servo: “Well, I guess he can’t be a witness.”
And Joe’s dead and a ghost.
(hand taps Joe on the shoulder)
Crow: “Are you George Bailey? Oh, sorry, wrong film.”
Angel: “You used to know ‘em.”
Servo: “They’re your pallbearers now.”
And they go to see the Judge.
Crow (as Judge): “I’ll be with you in a moment, I’m just sealing some fates”
Servo: “Excuse me, uh, pardon me your…uh, Mr. God?”
Servo: “Dear diary; It’s hard being God…”
Joe: “Good-morning, sir.”
Judge: “There are no good mornings here.”
Servo: “I’ll decide if it’s a good morning or not!”
Judge: “You were born in New Jersey, eh?”
Crow: “I thought I smelled something.”
(Joe is begging to be spared)
Joe: “Besides, I’ve got almost a whole book of eight coupons left!”
Crow: “Oh, you should have presented those immediately upon ordering!”
Angel: “He was always sneaking up behind and scaring pedestrians…”
Joel: “Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed that.”
Judge: “That description fitted someone else I know. If you know who I mean…”
Crow: “Hitler? Nah, he drove a stick.”
Another ‘I’m huge’!
Angel: “After that I never any trouble with Joe around schools; he’d crawl by at a snail’s pace.”
Servo: “Nursing homes though, woah!”
Judge: “Did he ever drive when he’d been drinking?”
Joel: “Oh, boy, I need my other scroll for that; that’s a doozy.”
Judge: “I want the whole truth.”
Servo: “So help me, Me!”
Judge: “I have book-full of those ‘just a cock-tale or two’ drinkers.”
Servo: “Jerk wouldn’t let me in their club.”
Judge: “Was there any traffic rule he didn’t violate?”
Joe: “Yes sir, I never hit-and-run.”
Joel: “Oh, well that changes everything!”
Angel: “He’d weave through traffic like a mouse-through-a-maze.”
Servo: “Squeaking and calling himself ‘Algernon’.”
Angel: “He, uh, stayed up with a sick friend…”
Judge: “He what?”
Servo: “He got plowed, okay?”
Judge (indicating the camera): “I leave that to this jury of drivers and pedestrians.”
Servo: “Oh, guilty; hang him! String him up! And get the director too.”
Joel: “Oh, great, we’re stranded in space and we still have to pull jury duty.”
I like Crow really getting into it.
First Host Segment: Crow wonders if he’s qualified (based on the end of the short). It’s a great little speech which becomes semi-inspirational then goes off the rails. “Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look.” A great bit and a tour-de-force for Trace Beaulieu.
And Robert Lippert is back.
Also features the first appearance of filmmaking auteur Bert I. Gordon, who will direct more Mst3k’d movies than anyone else.
Narrator: “On April 23rd, the word to start comes from Washington.”
All: “Start!”
(on a shot of an observatory)
Servo: “Then the world’s largest roll-on deodorant was invented.”
(shot of a metal being tested and snapping)
Crow: “Oops.”
Narrator: “Switch on for jet-engine test number 87!”
Servo: “Oh, so the announcer is calling the shots now?”
Narrator: “There is no margin for error.”
Crow: “There is a margin for shame, however.”
So, the portal power plant is also a small nuclear weapon. Nope, this won’t come into play later.
Narrator: “Record every vibrating pulse”
All: “Ohhh yeah…!”
(on a shot of test mice)
Joel: “Hi. My name in Benji and I’m a pan-dimensional being.”
Ah, so ‘the mice weren’t killed in the test, everything’s ready for people!’
Narrator mispronounces ‘Zoology.’
(Zoologist looking over a fossilized skull)
Crow: “I’d say this patient is dead; I’m no expert, but…”
Oh, come on! That’s a V-2! You couldn’t fit one person in there, let alone four!
Narrator (on the physician): “With the experience of treating most diseases and fatalities that overtake men.”
(they don’t comment on that, but how do you ‘treat’ a fatality?)
They really seem to be flying by the seat of their pants here, kind of like in Rocketship XM.
(shot of two guys looking in some sort of device with eye-pieces pointed at each other)
Crow: “You look neat.”
Hilarious bit where the narrator counts down WAY too fast.
(the rocket sputters and doesn’t take off for a second)
Servo: “Maybe you should take your foot off the clutch!”
Really bad process shot of the rocket landing.
The planet really looks a LOT like Earth…(as in, they filmed in a convenient park and hand-waved an explanation)
Servo: “Guys, I think they landed in Wisconsin.”
You know, it would be really embarrassing for the first words on a new planet to be ‘we’re first.’ No duh, you’re first!
So, an active volcano means it’s a young world? How does that logic work?
Of course life as you know it can exist; you’re in a grassy field with trees right behind you!
Servo: “That’s patty-cake; it’s the international symbol for ‘off with your clothes.’”
And they’re paired off romantically already; whatever.
And they see some elk and bears; maybe this could also be evidence that ‘life as we know it can exist’!
They just leave their suits and equipment on the ground and go for a walk. Cause, you know, it’s not like anything could happen to it.
The instant someone mentions the island there’s a scare chord.
Doctor: “All they want in Washington are tests and samples…”
Servo: “An d a few neat souvenirs.”
And the women immediately decide to take a bath in the strange lake on the unknown planet!
Crow (on a cute sloth-thing): “I’m Chirpy, the mutant hell-beast, and I don’t like this film.”
The characters walk around some…
Zoologist (looking at a flock of birds): “It’s about three o’clock Earth time here…”
Servo: “Judging by those birds”
(on Zoologist giving an order)
Joel: “Besides, I decided that I’m the new god of this planet.”
(footage of a sloth)
Servo: “I symbolically represent the pace of this film.”
Servo: “They’re making pretty good time considering this is a Lippert film.”
(Cut them camping in a circle)
Crow: “and there on the handle was some stock-footage of a hook.”
So, I guess the geologist chick can tell the age of the planet from digging a bit in the field…
Chemist: “I’m scared to death and I’m not ashamed to admit it.”
Joel: “Thank you Mrs. Dedicated Scientist.”
Second Host Segment: Joey the Lemur. It’s a really weird sketch and Joel visibly struggles to remember his lines and flubs quite a few. It’s kind of bizarrely amusing (it has the overall feel of a fever dream). They mock this sketch several seasons down the line.
As they come back into the film, Joey attacks Servo.
(shot of a snake)
Joel: “Hi, remember me? I’m Satan; this is the first part of my three-picture development deal. We’ll be right back.”
Crow:” Shoot the snake, not the girl! On second thought…”
Oh, come on! Ms. Super-science panics when touched by a non-poisonous snake which he-man scientist then shoots twice with a rifle and decide that this means the place is getting too dangerous. Whatever.
(watching them build a lean-to)
Servo: “Why didn’t they use the tent they had in their back-packs?”
Joel: “Because they’re artists.”
Doctor is kind of gruff; at least geologist chick wanted to do something.
Doctor (to Zoologist): “Good-night old man.”
Servo: “I’m not old; I’m thirty-five. I could still take you, buddy.”
And chemist and doctor start making out. And they dump their watch to go make out. Yeah, the others won’t be killed in their sleep by anything on this hostile new prehistory planet!
(shot of an alligator)
Joel: “Hi, I couldn’t help noticing your suitcase and your shoes.”
And doctor starts fighting alligator while chemist stands there uselessly screaming.
Joel: “Sounds like an alligator mauling Bob!”
Inexplicable appearance by a giant beetle.
Crow: “I’m gonna need a bigger shoe…we’re gonna get a bigger shoe, right?”
And doctor shoots it.
Turns out they had left him alone with the chemist; I suspect the others were hoping they would both die (I know I was).
Chemist: “Relax…”
Crow: “Relax? There’s a bee the size of a moose over there and you want him to relax?”
And the Lemur shows up; actually named Joe. I think they just had a lemur around.
Geologist: “Who’s the cook tonight?”
Chemist: “I’ll do it.”
Crow: “How do you like your lemur?”
Geologists: “I think they’ve read too much science fiction; they all thought we’d meet some sort of super-race up here or something!”
Servo: “and all we’ve met are large, mutated animals!
Zoologist (to chemist): “You do whatever work you can around here.”
Crow: “Yeah, why don’t you practice screaming?”
(off-screen animal growl)
Crow: “Uh, good, but back of the throat; little higher.”
And the hideous beast that made that noise was…that python again. Come on!
Zoologist is too busy playing with the lemur to notice the huge snake wandering into their camp.
They do an odd, but funny little riff bit where Satan is the spokesman for Kraft cheese products…
So, they need to travel light, but they take the flippin’ lemur!?
Tell me those aren’t their space-suits still lying on the ground…
(film suddenly breaks and goes black)
Servo: “Cut! Cut!”
Crow: “I’ve gone blind!”
(rumblings are heard)
Geologist: “What’s that?”
Zoologist: “Just thunder.”
Servo: “Actually just jet noise; they’ll fix it in post.”
Man, Zoologist is mean! He just pulls Joe up roughly by the tale! What does Geologist see in him?
(Chemist looks through microscope)
Doctor: “Learn anything?”
Servo: “Yeah, you’re the father.”
Geologist:”What a desolate, forsaken place.”
Crow: “What a stilted, pretentious line.”
Joel (as Joe the lemur): “I’d really like to go back now; I think you’ll find only evil here. I bring a message from Gorgon, he tells you not to come here! Please! I abhor you! Please! Listen to the sacred writings I bring!”
And they find the giant iguana standing on its hind legs; the titular ‘King Dinosaur’. Whatever.
Crow (as the iguana): “Throw me the lemur, that’s all I want!”
Crow (as Iguana): “Before you take me into your heart I should mention I eat my young; did I mention that before?”
What our hero is going back for the frickin’ lemur! Look, I think the lemur can handle itself!
And he gets off-screen bitten.
Third Host Segment: Emotional Scientist. It falls apart. I love Servo as the director! But…Joel is kind of dreary here. It’s nothing special.
And here comes a caiman; there has to be a lizard fight. Which is again, pretty unpleasant considering they just throw the animals together and have them fight.
Servo (pan up the iguana): “Hey! Nastashia Kins…oh.”
(Another lizard shows up and perches on a rock)
Joel: “I’ll just watch from up here.”
Crow: “Who’s that?”
Servo: “That’s the ref.”
And Servo reuses that ‘gecko-Roman wrestling’ joke from Robot Monster.
The guys act appalled at the fight, as well they should.
Funny ‘Macbeth stage direction’ bit.
(seeing a flare)
Servo: “That means, lizard wrestling! Red flare at night, lizards fight, red flare in the morning, lizards take warning!”
And they edit it so that it looks like the iguana won.
They actually do a little discussion on their own riffing; kind of rare to hear them do that.
Crow: “Will you guys knock it off? I can’t concentrate on my own lame wise-cracks!”
Joel (as caiman): “I might be dead, but I won on points.”
And the Iguana immediately goes back to attacking the humans, even when he has a big, juicy, dead caiman to munch on!
Crow: “Don’t think I forgot about you! I gave you half-an-hour to escape and what do you do? You stay here. Fine!”
And the other two come after them.
Zoologist (on the iguana): “It resembles the tyrannosaurus Rex of Earth’s prehistoric age.”
Servo: “No it doesn’t!”
Crow: “Sorry, no way!”
Servo: “It’s a lizard from ‘Pet World’!”
Zoologist: “It’s just like living in the past.”
Crow: “It’s an iguana!”
Oh, and a monitor lizard; great.
Uh, the Iguana’s gone; maybe you should try to escape!
Chemist: “Oh what is it!?”
Crow: “IT’S AN IGUANA!”
So, the chemist and doctor come to rescue the others and decide that ‘they have to come to us’ great rescue attempt guys! I don’t know what we would’ve done without you!
And now they run! Delayed-action fight-or-flight.
Joel (as the victorious iguana): “Alright; now that that’s done I’m coming for Lippert. Pay-back time!”
Doctor: “I brought the atom bomb; I think it’s a good time to use it.”
Servo: “Oh, that’s your answer to everything! Just use the atom bomb!”
By the way, apart from killing, what is the point of nuking the island? What, are they afraid the iguana’s gonna retaliate against Earth or something?
Doctor (on the A-Bomb): “It’s set for eight o’clock.”
Servo: “Right now it’s…thirty-seconds to eight! Ahh!”
Oh, and they run into an armadillo and start shooting at it.
Servo: “Oh, what did he ever do!?”
And random shots of buffalo and a wooly mammoth. (the shag-carpeting can be seen coming off the elephant’s trunk).
Servo: “You know, I think the film on this lake is better than the film we’re watching!”
(on the nuclear blast)
Crow: “It looks like the beginning of ‘Petticoat Junction;’ Petticoat Armageddon.”
Crow (on the lemur): “Thanks for annihilating everything I know!”
Servo: “And so, with peace in their hearts and fiery-death in the sky, they went home.”
I must reiterate how utterly pointless the entire ‘use the atom bomb’ thing was. All they had to do was leave!
Final Host Segment: Robert Lippert movies and the Theremin. I like Servo trying to gently tell Joel to turn the Theremin off…and Joel waltzing with it. And the bots read a letter where some people rate them. Imagine that!
Stinger: Chemist screams as doctor stumbles and falls. Now this is a pretty funny stinger; odd and off kilter and funny in and of itself. Good choice!
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. King Dinosaur
10. Jungle Goddess
11. Wild Rebels
12. The Corpse Vanishes
13. Ring of Terror
14. Untamed Youth
15. The Slime People
16. Project Moonbase
17. The Sidehackers
18. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
19. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
20. Hellcats
21. Rocket Attack USA
22. Robot Holocaust
23. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Great riffing, the first classic short, and an amusingly stupid film make for a good episode marred by some lame host segments.
Final Rating: 7/10.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
A Commentary on WALL-E
Note: This is an article I wrote for the school newspaper, which I thought I'd share here.
WALL-E is one of my all-time favorite movies. It’s so much more than a delightful animated fable about a robot in love; it’s a beautiful meditation on the meaning of humanity.
WALL-E is a satire which contrasts the world of mass-consumerism, cell-phones, and hygienic-obsession with the world of nick-knack collections, dancing, musicals, and romance. It comes off almost as an origin film of sorts for humanity, where a comatose human-spirit reawakens through its interactions with a romantic little robot who is perhaps the most human character ever portrayed on screen.
We first meet WALL-E on a devastated Earth, where he cleans up the mountains of trash. He collects the interesting bits of trash and keeps them in the abandoned truck that is his home; a Rubik’s-Cube, a ring-box (he throws the ring away), a fine collection of plastic silver-ware, and a partial copy of ‘Hello Dolly,’ which he watches obsessively and hums the songs as he works. He is curious and playful; he admires beauty, as seen when he stares transfixed at the stars which peek through the cloud-covered sky, but he does not let any of these distractions take over his life; a movie, games, and toys are part of his life, not his whole life. What his life is is something more than the sum of its parts; it is uniquely him.
Despite having a pet cockroach for a companion, however, he is lonely; as a person, he feels the need to be with another person. The chance for this occurs when a spaceship drops off the sleek probe-droid, EVE, with whom WALL-E falls in love with at first sight. What follows is a beautiful sequence where he tries to work up the nerve to approach her, then to get her to notice him, and finally to guard and revive her after something causes her to shut down).
WALL-E‘s love for EVE soon takes him far from home, to where the remnants of humanity…well, live isn’t the right word; exist is more appropriate. There they have become a society of grotesque couch potatoes, where two men can be right next to each other but talk via cell-phone. From here, WALL-E’s presence begins slowly, almost imperceptibly, to revive the comatose human spirit. A hygienically-obsessed robot jumps off its sterile track, another robot discovers how to wave, the captain feels dirt for the first time and begins obsessively researching the Earth (which he acknowledges as his home, although he has never seen it), and in a heart-breakingly beautiful sequence, WALL-E and EVE dance (and kiss) among the stars, causing two humans to touch for the first time…
Curiosity, playfulness, love; toys, movies, pets, kissing, dancing, holding hands…these are the things humans do. Humans laugh, they admire beauty, they crave companionship, they take the time to enjoy life. But this is not all; WALL-E demonstrates that, along with all this, humans make sacrifices, they act selflessly and bravely, and when they have to, they fight. As the film progresses it becomes more and more necessary for WALL-E and EVE to show courage and make difficult decisions. This is painfully shown when WALL-E defies the malevolent autopilot, a far more powerful and advanced machine, and even though he pays the inevitable consequences, he succeeds in his task. Not long afterwards, EVE has to decide whether to save WALL-E or a mass of humans, and although it breaks her heart, she makes the right decision. Meanwhile, the captain wrestles with the autopilot for humanity’s future. While all this is going on, a damaged WALL-E struggles to literally bear the fate of the world upon his shoulders, even though the effort breaks him.
In the end, WALL-E’s thesis is that humans belong on Earth, their home. They dance, they play, they care for living things, they kiss, they splash in pools, sing, admire sunsets, work, farm, recognize beauty, care for each other, make sacrifices, fight, stand on their own feet, watch movies and above all, they love.
WALL-E is one of my all-time favorite movies. It’s so much more than a delightful animated fable about a robot in love; it’s a beautiful meditation on the meaning of humanity.
WALL-E is a satire which contrasts the world of mass-consumerism, cell-phones, and hygienic-obsession with the world of nick-knack collections, dancing, musicals, and romance. It comes off almost as an origin film of sorts for humanity, where a comatose human-spirit reawakens through its interactions with a romantic little robot who is perhaps the most human character ever portrayed on screen.
We first meet WALL-E on a devastated Earth, where he cleans up the mountains of trash. He collects the interesting bits of trash and keeps them in the abandoned truck that is his home; a Rubik’s-Cube, a ring-box (he throws the ring away), a fine collection of plastic silver-ware, and a partial copy of ‘Hello Dolly,’ which he watches obsessively and hums the songs as he works. He is curious and playful; he admires beauty, as seen when he stares transfixed at the stars which peek through the cloud-covered sky, but he does not let any of these distractions take over his life; a movie, games, and toys are part of his life, not his whole life. What his life is is something more than the sum of its parts; it is uniquely him.
Despite having a pet cockroach for a companion, however, he is lonely; as a person, he feels the need to be with another person. The chance for this occurs when a spaceship drops off the sleek probe-droid, EVE, with whom WALL-E falls in love with at first sight. What follows is a beautiful sequence where he tries to work up the nerve to approach her, then to get her to notice him, and finally to guard and revive her after something causes her to shut down).
WALL-E‘s love for EVE soon takes him far from home, to where the remnants of humanity…well, live isn’t the right word; exist is more appropriate. There they have become a society of grotesque couch potatoes, where two men can be right next to each other but talk via cell-phone. From here, WALL-E’s presence begins slowly, almost imperceptibly, to revive the comatose human spirit. A hygienically-obsessed robot jumps off its sterile track, another robot discovers how to wave, the captain feels dirt for the first time and begins obsessively researching the Earth (which he acknowledges as his home, although he has never seen it), and in a heart-breakingly beautiful sequence, WALL-E and EVE dance (and kiss) among the stars, causing two humans to touch for the first time…
Curiosity, playfulness, love; toys, movies, pets, kissing, dancing, holding hands…these are the things humans do. Humans laugh, they admire beauty, they crave companionship, they take the time to enjoy life. But this is not all; WALL-E demonstrates that, along with all this, humans make sacrifices, they act selflessly and bravely, and when they have to, they fight. As the film progresses it becomes more and more necessary for WALL-E and EVE to show courage and make difficult decisions. This is painfully shown when WALL-E defies the malevolent autopilot, a far more powerful and advanced machine, and even though he pays the inevitable consequences, he succeeds in his task. Not long afterwards, EVE has to decide whether to save WALL-E or a mass of humans, and although it breaks her heart, she makes the right decision. Meanwhile, the captain wrestles with the autopilot for humanity’s future. While all this is going on, a damaged WALL-E struggles to literally bear the fate of the world upon his shoulders, even though the effort breaks him.
In the end, WALL-E’s thesis is that humans belong on Earth, their home. They dance, they play, they care for living things, they kiss, they splash in pools, sing, admire sunsets, work, farm, recognize beauty, care for each other, make sacrifices, fight, stand on their own feet, watch movies and above all, they love.
MST3K: Episode 209 – The Hellcats
In the Episode Guide it’s explained that most of the writing staff was out of town for this episode, and it really shows. This is one of the weakest episodes of the entire series, with sparse riffing, a horrible movie, and host segments that make it very clear that they didn’t know what to do this time.
The movie is another Ross Hagen vehicle (the star of Sidehackers; not a good sign). He plays both a cop and the cop’s identical brother. The cop gets shot by some drug dealers, so his brother comes in to investigate. The brother and the cop’s fiancée infiltrate a biker gang which gets its drugs from the dealers, there’s a LONG, pointless middle section of them living in the gang and mumbling plot points which are impossible to catch (the sound is atrocious in this movie). Finally, Ross and the gang attack the bad guys for some reason and the movie ends. So, basically it’s a plotless excuse to spend time with a sixties biker gang; not my idea of a good time at the movies.
Riff wise, the episode is pretty sparse. Oh, there are some good ones; giving names to the bikers, bemoaning the plotless nature of the proceedings, and some good riffs on the general stupidity of the bikers, but they come pretty slowly. Plus there are a few jokes that they latch on to and keep riding, despite the fact that they’re not very funny; like an extended ‘kooky the clown’ gag that continues through several different scenes without eliciting more than a chuckle or two.
The host-segments are all flash-backs to previous host segments. There are some decent bits of the bots writing in their diaries, but otherwise they’re flat failures. They don’t even pretend that they have anything to do with anything.
So, all in all, a very weak episode featuring one of my least favorite genres. Not recommended.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: The Satellite of Love crew are all sick. Amusing, with a very funny bit involving Servo at the end.
Invention Exchange: the Mads are riding their hobby hogs from two episodes again. Joel finally gets to show his invention from last time; a sign-language translator. It’s kind of amusing, has a call-back to ‘Sidehackers,’ and is a pretty cool little effect.
Crow (seeing a funeral procession approaching a prepared grave): “Hey, there’s a good space!”
Servo (they drape a coat on the coffin): “Uh, kind of late with that jacket, aren’t you?”
(A couple of cops give obvious exposition)
Joel: “What is this, Sergeant Exposition and Detective Plot-Point?”
Mobster: “For the last six months he’s been like my shadow.”
Crow: “But not as chunky.”
Mobster: “The next pick up’s tomorrow at Scorpio’s”
Servo: “Tell Scorpio to use his code-name.”
Credits…hey! Anthony Cardoza! He’s gonna show up down the way in the infamous Colman Francis Trilogy.
And Ross Hagen is our lead again (from Sidehackers).
Joel and Crow start arguing over the bands and Joel threatens to shut him down!
Man, Joel is kind of mean here.
(seeing it’s directed by Robert Slatzer)
Joel: “Oh, if this is a Slatzer film it might get really bloody.”
Servo: “Scenic Love Canal!”
Servo: “Hellcats; terrorizing the desolate wastelands for over half a century.”
Crow (as biker): “Remember, we’ve got bridge-club at four!”
Biker gives really bad read.
Joel (on biker): “I’m a stranger to my own soul.”
(Biker chick goes up to a car full of mobsters and a dog)
Mobster: “You’re late.”
Servo: “Don Fido is mad.”
(Red car with blonds parks)
Crow: “Let’s park the Barbie-mobile right here.”
(Black car with mobsters parks)
Servo: “Let’s park the Gangster-mobile right here.”
Blond: “You’re beginning to feel more like a junkie than a narco-cop.”
Joel: “You’re not supposed to take them, just confiscate them.”
Okay, mobsters are trying to snipe Ross Hagen…
Servo: “Steve’s dead now. From now on, Steve’s death will be represented by the oboe.”
Okay, from what we saw there is no way he could have fallen in the position he’s shown; he’s lying flat across the front seat.
Anyway, his identical brother now shows up to help.
Joel: “Whenever a brother dies they fly me in for free, I like to take advantage.”
Crow: “Then came moron.”
Random cut to a couple on a motorcycle…I think they might be the brother and the blond…
Crow: “Joel, what are these movies trying to teach us about life?”
Joel: “Well, that we’re born, we die, and there’s a lot of padding in between.”
(a guy lays with his head under a bear skin)
Servo: “Woah, what happened to his head?”
(Ross walks in an gets sprayed with beer)
Drunk guy: “Let me buy you a beer.”
Servo: “You already did.”
Drunk: “Where you from.”
Servo: “Sidehackers.”
I agree with Crow: I cannot understand a word Ross is saying.
First host segment: Servo flashes back to a host segment from ‘The Crawling Hand.’ He comments that it’s before his voice changed. It wasn’t a great host segment to begin with and there’s nothing to gain from viewing it again. There are some funny bits of Servo wrestling with his voice-controlled typewriter.
Oh, no; musical/dance number!
(riffing on the different characters seen briefly during the dance scene).
Servo: “Susie; dead at 21”
Joel: “Kipper; sells lightly-salted meat products.”
Crow: “Slugger: Found dead with Coors party-ball lodged in throat.”
Joel: “Spazzy: broken neck shortly after the filming of this movie.”
Servo: “Squatter; too a baseball to the head in the third inning of an Angels game.”
Crow: “And a man so mean he once shot himself just for snoring too loud.”
I’m willing to bet everyone involved was drunk and/or stoned during the filming of this scene.
My God! I hate this song!
(Drunks swarm a passed-out guy)
Servo: “Oh, hey guys, don’t eat him!”
Servo: “Here are the Manson family home videos.”
‘Horny Heiny’ (the passed-out druggy) will be called back several times in the future.
Crow: “Great way to ruin a party. I hate it when people OD!”
(a well-dressed man enters the biker bar)
Servo: “I’ll just blend in with the crowd here. Fortunately, I’m wild on the inside; I don’t need these hippy threads.”
Joel (on the same guy): “Uh, so this isn’t a meeting of the young republicans?”
Another call-back to Wild Rebels.
Suited Guy (to girl): “When are we gonna get together?”
Girl: “Never.”
Servo: “Great, I’m free then!”
(as the bar starts cheering for some reason)
Servo: “Scenes over, that’s a wrap, thank you everyone!”
And we cut to a semi-nude model and a painter. No, I don’t know why.
Bikers show up to manhandle the artist.
And it’s implied they rape the model. Nice.
Joel: “Jeeze, they’re too cheap to show a location shot; they just show a poster.”
And we cut to the biker’s picnic. Why they had that last scene, I still don’t know.
They mob a white truck that just randomly shows up.
Joel: “Burn the Good-Humor man! He’s out of cream-sickles!”
(on the bad song playing)
Crow: “’Mass Confusion,’ they’re talking about the plot of the film.”
(On a guy upside down in a trash can)
Crow: “That guy’s trashed.”
Servo: “No, he’s just looking for the script.”
So, why do people like the sixties?
(on Ross)
Servo: “Where do you want to be in two years?”
Crow: “Sidehackers 2?”
Guy: “Everything’s a big zero.”
Crow: “He must be their accountant.”
And more bikers show up; must be a different gang.
Hey, is that the first example of the perennial favorite ‘I’m Huge’ gag?
(on a guy dressed as a Nazi soldier.)
Crow: “I’m not supposed to be in this film; they lose me after the bunker sequence.”
(on the scene)
Servo: “Okay, what does this have to do with ANYTHING?”
Oh, my God! There’s a motorcycle race going on, but they don’t show it! They just show people watching it!
Second Host segment: Crow’s flashback; he used a tape recorder (which he apparently had previously used to record a ‘Hellcats’ song). He flashes back to the zero gravity demonstration from ‘Rocketship XM’. It’s a decent sketch, but again, we don’t need the flashback (although I just noticed that Joel has his lines written on the back of the sheets?)
And the race is over…and they start fighting. At least they show this.
Crow: “Oh, I get it, it’s a triathlon! Bike race, knife fight, beer guzzling.”
(on the bikers fighting with chains)
Crow: “These are the chains I forged in life.”
Crow: “Kill him! Kill everybody!”
Servo: “Cast, crew, everybody.”
I couldn’t agree more.
Okay, Ross breaks up the fight, then…somehow gets in a fight with another guy, which they settle in a particularly stupid way; they take turns being tied between two bikes and holding on as long as they can.
(as the crowd counts off the seconds the guy holds on)
Servo: “Oh, they’re counting how long he’s getting in feet.”
And the guy loses his grip and the bike drives off with him.
Crow (as Ross): “Well, I don’t know what I was supposed to learn from that.”
Crow: “Oh, no! He’s backing up; how horrible! Uh, the humanity”
Servo: “Oh, my lord, it’s just his legs!”
Crow: “Oh, great Ross, take your jacket off; you wouldn’t want anything thick and leathery between you and the road.”
And of course, Ross wins, and another five minutes of our lives are gone.
And biker chick starts making out with Ross.
Crow: “Congratulations, you are now officially white trash.”
And Ross and biker-chick have sex out in the open on a make-shift mattress. Great.
Crow: “Does this mean you have to do something really stupid to get the girl?”
Joel: “Yep.”
Pointless bit where biker gets fresh with heroine, she beats him up, the end.
Long stretch with nothing much to comment on; heroine is mad at Ross for the aforementioned sex; despite the fact that she was supposed to be in love with his brother, not him (I guess the fact that they look exactly the freaking same has something to do with it).
Servo: “You know, mixing dice with chess really speeds up the game.”
Biker chicks and heroine pick up drugs from random oily guys.
Biker chicks get chased by policeman, one crashes and dies. Great, I don’t care! Just get on with it!
Anyway, this causes some problems, blah blah blah.
They do an extended ‘Kooky the Clown’ bit, which really isn’t that great.
(extend shot of biker-chick riding)
Crow: “Oh, great, you’re riding your bike, we get the point!”
Okay, heroine and biker chick go to bad-guy headquarters (the mobsters, remember? No? Never mind), get captured, as does Ross.
Servo (singing): “Budabadubuhbuh! You’re chick was killed! You’re chick was killed!”
Third Host Segment: Joel’s flashback; he’s writing a letter to ‘Sandy’ (?). He flashes back to the ‘scope’ sketch from Jungle Goddess. Fortunately it’s a pretty good sketch (“I am an ameba”).
Back to the movie, where Ross is getting beaten up by the bad guys (the head baddy is especially stiff).
Head Baddy: “Here’s the apartment key.”
Crow: “Tell Jack Lemon and Shirley McClain I want ‘em out!”
(shot of a tied-up Ross at an odd-angle)
Crow: “Oh, my God, his head is gone!”
Oh, come on! The bad guys leave an electric cutter right next to our tied up heroes?
Joel: “Now, I’m gonna have to cut your hand off, so it might hurt. Which one do you write with?”
Ross quickly beats up bad-guys, until head baddy pulls out a gun.
Biker chick calls gang to come help.
Do the filmmakers realize that wrapping a belt around someone’s wrist does not prevent them from pulling the trigger? Apparently not.
What the freaking hell!? We randomly cut to a blond in a dress dancing in front of a mirror!
(Guy walks in on blond)
Servo: “Uh, ma’am, I believe this is my hotel room.”
And guy strangles here. No idea what this all was about.
Bad guy: “Let’s move.”
Crow: “Like you’ve never moved before; even slower!”
Bad guys put Ross and heroine in shipping crate, prepare to flee to Tahiti.
Bikers show up.
Big extension cord right in the middle of the shot!
And Bikers dog-pile bad guys, rescue Ross and heroine.
Servo: “Hey! Kill that guy, he’s the director; get him!”
(yes it, really is the director as a bad guy)
(Ross beats up director-as-bad-guy)
Joel: “And that’s for putting me in the movie!”
Heroine (on Ross’s bike): “What are you going to do with that thing?”
Crow: “Make a lamp out of it.”
And it’s implied that Ross has come to enjoy the biker lifestyle. And really, who wouldn’t? I mean, unless you’ve got a shred of common-sense, dignity, or moral-fiber?
Final Host Segment: Gypsy’s diary. She’s regressed a bit; more cow-like again. They discuss diaries and read a letter (it’s rather prophetic, predicting that they might soon have to watch Italian films). And a rather amusing bit with Frank at the end.
Stinger: Unintelligible trumpeter (this was cut from the version I watched, I’m afraid; from what I remember from the movie, it certainly was an odd bit, so I’ll give them points for that).
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. Jungle Goddess
10. Wild Rebels
11. The Corpse Vanishes
12. Ring of Terror
13. Untamed Youth
14. The Slime People
15. Project Moonbase
16. The Sidehackers
17. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
18. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
19. Hellcats
20. Rocket Attack USA
21. Robot Holocaust
22. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Very bad movie in a genre I don’t like, weak riffing and weaker host segments make for a pretty weak episode.
Final Rating: 4/10.
The movie is another Ross Hagen vehicle (the star of Sidehackers; not a good sign). He plays both a cop and the cop’s identical brother. The cop gets shot by some drug dealers, so his brother comes in to investigate. The brother and the cop’s fiancée infiltrate a biker gang which gets its drugs from the dealers, there’s a LONG, pointless middle section of them living in the gang and mumbling plot points which are impossible to catch (the sound is atrocious in this movie). Finally, Ross and the gang attack the bad guys for some reason and the movie ends. So, basically it’s a plotless excuse to spend time with a sixties biker gang; not my idea of a good time at the movies.
Riff wise, the episode is pretty sparse. Oh, there are some good ones; giving names to the bikers, bemoaning the plotless nature of the proceedings, and some good riffs on the general stupidity of the bikers, but they come pretty slowly. Plus there are a few jokes that they latch on to and keep riding, despite the fact that they’re not very funny; like an extended ‘kooky the clown’ gag that continues through several different scenes without eliciting more than a chuckle or two.
The host-segments are all flash-backs to previous host segments. There are some decent bits of the bots writing in their diaries, but otherwise they’re flat failures. They don’t even pretend that they have anything to do with anything.
So, all in all, a very weak episode featuring one of my least favorite genres. Not recommended.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: The Satellite of Love crew are all sick. Amusing, with a very funny bit involving Servo at the end.
Invention Exchange: the Mads are riding their hobby hogs from two episodes again. Joel finally gets to show his invention from last time; a sign-language translator. It’s kind of amusing, has a call-back to ‘Sidehackers,’ and is a pretty cool little effect.
Crow (seeing a funeral procession approaching a prepared grave): “Hey, there’s a good space!”
Servo (they drape a coat on the coffin): “Uh, kind of late with that jacket, aren’t you?”
(A couple of cops give obvious exposition)
Joel: “What is this, Sergeant Exposition and Detective Plot-Point?”
Mobster: “For the last six months he’s been like my shadow.”
Crow: “But not as chunky.”
Mobster: “The next pick up’s tomorrow at Scorpio’s”
Servo: “Tell Scorpio to use his code-name.”
Credits…hey! Anthony Cardoza! He’s gonna show up down the way in the infamous Colman Francis Trilogy.
And Ross Hagen is our lead again (from Sidehackers).
Joel and Crow start arguing over the bands and Joel threatens to shut him down!
Man, Joel is kind of mean here.
(seeing it’s directed by Robert Slatzer)
Joel: “Oh, if this is a Slatzer film it might get really bloody.”
Servo: “Scenic Love Canal!”
Servo: “Hellcats; terrorizing the desolate wastelands for over half a century.”
Crow (as biker): “Remember, we’ve got bridge-club at four!”
Biker gives really bad read.
Joel (on biker): “I’m a stranger to my own soul.”
(Biker chick goes up to a car full of mobsters and a dog)
Mobster: “You’re late.”
Servo: “Don Fido is mad.”
(Red car with blonds parks)
Crow: “Let’s park the Barbie-mobile right here.”
(Black car with mobsters parks)
Servo: “Let’s park the Gangster-mobile right here.”
Blond: “You’re beginning to feel more like a junkie than a narco-cop.”
Joel: “You’re not supposed to take them, just confiscate them.”
Okay, mobsters are trying to snipe Ross Hagen…
Servo: “Steve’s dead now. From now on, Steve’s death will be represented by the oboe.”
Okay, from what we saw there is no way he could have fallen in the position he’s shown; he’s lying flat across the front seat.
Anyway, his identical brother now shows up to help.
Joel: “Whenever a brother dies they fly me in for free, I like to take advantage.”
Crow: “Then came moron.”
Random cut to a couple on a motorcycle…I think they might be the brother and the blond…
Crow: “Joel, what are these movies trying to teach us about life?”
Joel: “Well, that we’re born, we die, and there’s a lot of padding in between.”
(a guy lays with his head under a bear skin)
Servo: “Woah, what happened to his head?”
(Ross walks in an gets sprayed with beer)
Drunk guy: “Let me buy you a beer.”
Servo: “You already did.”
Drunk: “Where you from.”
Servo: “Sidehackers.”
I agree with Crow: I cannot understand a word Ross is saying.
First host segment: Servo flashes back to a host segment from ‘The Crawling Hand.’ He comments that it’s before his voice changed. It wasn’t a great host segment to begin with and there’s nothing to gain from viewing it again. There are some funny bits of Servo wrestling with his voice-controlled typewriter.
Oh, no; musical/dance number!
(riffing on the different characters seen briefly during the dance scene).
Servo: “Susie; dead at 21”
Joel: “Kipper; sells lightly-salted meat products.”
Crow: “Slugger: Found dead with Coors party-ball lodged in throat.”
Joel: “Spazzy: broken neck shortly after the filming of this movie.”
Servo: “Squatter; too a baseball to the head in the third inning of an Angels game.”
Crow: “And a man so mean he once shot himself just for snoring too loud.”
I’m willing to bet everyone involved was drunk and/or stoned during the filming of this scene.
My God! I hate this song!
(Drunks swarm a passed-out guy)
Servo: “Oh, hey guys, don’t eat him!”
Servo: “Here are the Manson family home videos.”
‘Horny Heiny’ (the passed-out druggy) will be called back several times in the future.
Crow: “Great way to ruin a party. I hate it when people OD!”
(a well-dressed man enters the biker bar)
Servo: “I’ll just blend in with the crowd here. Fortunately, I’m wild on the inside; I don’t need these hippy threads.”
Joel (on the same guy): “Uh, so this isn’t a meeting of the young republicans?”
Another call-back to Wild Rebels.
Suited Guy (to girl): “When are we gonna get together?”
Girl: “Never.”
Servo: “Great, I’m free then!”
(as the bar starts cheering for some reason)
Servo: “Scenes over, that’s a wrap, thank you everyone!”
And we cut to a semi-nude model and a painter. No, I don’t know why.
Bikers show up to manhandle the artist.
And it’s implied they rape the model. Nice.
Joel: “Jeeze, they’re too cheap to show a location shot; they just show a poster.”
And we cut to the biker’s picnic. Why they had that last scene, I still don’t know.
They mob a white truck that just randomly shows up.
Joel: “Burn the Good-Humor man! He’s out of cream-sickles!”
(on the bad song playing)
Crow: “’Mass Confusion,’ they’re talking about the plot of the film.”
(On a guy upside down in a trash can)
Crow: “That guy’s trashed.”
Servo: “No, he’s just looking for the script.”
So, why do people like the sixties?
(on Ross)
Servo: “Where do you want to be in two years?”
Crow: “Sidehackers 2?”
Guy: “Everything’s a big zero.”
Crow: “He must be their accountant.”
And more bikers show up; must be a different gang.
Hey, is that the first example of the perennial favorite ‘I’m Huge’ gag?
(on a guy dressed as a Nazi soldier.)
Crow: “I’m not supposed to be in this film; they lose me after the bunker sequence.”
(on the scene)
Servo: “Okay, what does this have to do with ANYTHING?”
Oh, my God! There’s a motorcycle race going on, but they don’t show it! They just show people watching it!
Second Host segment: Crow’s flashback; he used a tape recorder (which he apparently had previously used to record a ‘Hellcats’ song). He flashes back to the zero gravity demonstration from ‘Rocketship XM’. It’s a decent sketch, but again, we don’t need the flashback (although I just noticed that Joel has his lines written on the back of the sheets?)
And the race is over…and they start fighting. At least they show this.
Crow: “Oh, I get it, it’s a triathlon! Bike race, knife fight, beer guzzling.”
(on the bikers fighting with chains)
Crow: “These are the chains I forged in life.”
Crow: “Kill him! Kill everybody!”
Servo: “Cast, crew, everybody.”
I couldn’t agree more.
Okay, Ross breaks up the fight, then…somehow gets in a fight with another guy, which they settle in a particularly stupid way; they take turns being tied between two bikes and holding on as long as they can.
(as the crowd counts off the seconds the guy holds on)
Servo: “Oh, they’re counting how long he’s getting in feet.”
And the guy loses his grip and the bike drives off with him.
Crow (as Ross): “Well, I don’t know what I was supposed to learn from that.”
Crow: “Oh, no! He’s backing up; how horrible! Uh, the humanity”
Servo: “Oh, my lord, it’s just his legs!”
Crow: “Oh, great Ross, take your jacket off; you wouldn’t want anything thick and leathery between you and the road.”
And of course, Ross wins, and another five minutes of our lives are gone.
And biker chick starts making out with Ross.
Crow: “Congratulations, you are now officially white trash.”
And Ross and biker-chick have sex out in the open on a make-shift mattress. Great.
Crow: “Does this mean you have to do something really stupid to get the girl?”
Joel: “Yep.”
Pointless bit where biker gets fresh with heroine, she beats him up, the end.
Long stretch with nothing much to comment on; heroine is mad at Ross for the aforementioned sex; despite the fact that she was supposed to be in love with his brother, not him (I guess the fact that they look exactly the freaking same has something to do with it).
Servo: “You know, mixing dice with chess really speeds up the game.”
Biker chicks and heroine pick up drugs from random oily guys.
Biker chicks get chased by policeman, one crashes and dies. Great, I don’t care! Just get on with it!
Anyway, this causes some problems, blah blah blah.
They do an extended ‘Kooky the Clown’ bit, which really isn’t that great.
(extend shot of biker-chick riding)
Crow: “Oh, great, you’re riding your bike, we get the point!”
Okay, heroine and biker chick go to bad-guy headquarters (the mobsters, remember? No? Never mind), get captured, as does Ross.
Servo (singing): “Budabadubuhbuh! You’re chick was killed! You’re chick was killed!”
Third Host Segment: Joel’s flashback; he’s writing a letter to ‘Sandy’ (?). He flashes back to the ‘scope’ sketch from Jungle Goddess. Fortunately it’s a pretty good sketch (“I am an ameba”).
Back to the movie, where Ross is getting beaten up by the bad guys (the head baddy is especially stiff).
Head Baddy: “Here’s the apartment key.”
Crow: “Tell Jack Lemon and Shirley McClain I want ‘em out!”
(shot of a tied-up Ross at an odd-angle)
Crow: “Oh, my God, his head is gone!”
Oh, come on! The bad guys leave an electric cutter right next to our tied up heroes?
Joel: “Now, I’m gonna have to cut your hand off, so it might hurt. Which one do you write with?”
Ross quickly beats up bad-guys, until head baddy pulls out a gun.
Biker chick calls gang to come help.
Do the filmmakers realize that wrapping a belt around someone’s wrist does not prevent them from pulling the trigger? Apparently not.
What the freaking hell!? We randomly cut to a blond in a dress dancing in front of a mirror!
(Guy walks in on blond)
Servo: “Uh, ma’am, I believe this is my hotel room.”
And guy strangles here. No idea what this all was about.
Bad guy: “Let’s move.”
Crow: “Like you’ve never moved before; even slower!”
Bad guys put Ross and heroine in shipping crate, prepare to flee to Tahiti.
Bikers show up.
Big extension cord right in the middle of the shot!
And Bikers dog-pile bad guys, rescue Ross and heroine.
Servo: “Hey! Kill that guy, he’s the director; get him!”
(yes it, really is the director as a bad guy)
(Ross beats up director-as-bad-guy)
Joel: “And that’s for putting me in the movie!”
Heroine (on Ross’s bike): “What are you going to do with that thing?”
Crow: “Make a lamp out of it.”
And it’s implied that Ross has come to enjoy the biker lifestyle. And really, who wouldn’t? I mean, unless you’ve got a shred of common-sense, dignity, or moral-fiber?
Final Host Segment: Gypsy’s diary. She’s regressed a bit; more cow-like again. They discuss diaries and read a letter (it’s rather prophetic, predicting that they might soon have to watch Italian films). And a rather amusing bit with Frank at the end.
Stinger: Unintelligible trumpeter (this was cut from the version I watched, I’m afraid; from what I remember from the movie, it certainly was an odd bit, so I’ll give them points for that).
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. Jungle Goddess
10. Wild Rebels
11. The Corpse Vanishes
12. Ring of Terror
13. Untamed Youth
14. The Slime People
15. Project Moonbase
16. The Sidehackers
17. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
18. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
19. Hellcats
20. Rocket Attack USA
21. Robot Holocaust
22. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Very bad movie in a genre I don’t like, weak riffing and weaker host segments make for a pretty weak episode.
Final Rating: 4/10.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
MST3K: Episode 208 – Lost Continent
This is one of the first episodes I ever saw and I’ve seen it over a dozen times since then. I hadn’t seen it all the way through in a long time, though, so this viewing was about as fresh as could be expected. Anyway, as you can probably tell, I really like this one; the movie is watchable, even good in parts (although not so much in others), the riffing is strong, and it contains an all-time classic host segment; what’s not to like?
The film is about a group of scientists who are testing a new type of rocket, which mysteriously fails to return as it was supposed to. Rather than waste the time and effort spent on it, they employ a couple of air force pilots to fly them out to where it crashed to look for it. However, when they get there they find the rocket crashed on an island, which they also crash on. As if that wasn’t enough, the rocket landed on top of a huge plateau in the middle of the island, which they dutifully climb, losing one of their number along the way (along with many viewers; this is an infamously long and boring sequence). At the top they find a jungle inhabited by dinosaurs; a few Triceratopses and a Brontosaurus, all of which are oddly cannibalistic. After some more searching and incident, they find the rocket, get the data they need, and lose their comic relief. They then start down, only to have the island start to erupt. They all make it to safety, though, and canoe away into the sunset.
Like I said, the film really isn’t all that bad; the effects are decent (stop-motion is always a plus) and there are some cool scenes, like a triceratops fight. The film boasts a really stellar cast for one of these things; Caesar Romero plays the pilot hero, Hugh Beaumont as a scientist, Whit Bissell as another scientist (the one who dies), Hilary Brooke, most famous as a co-star on the ‘Abbot and Costello Show,’ has a brief role, and Sid Melton is on hand as the comic relief mechanic. I’m also partial to Chic Chandler (who will show up in a short several seasons down the line) as the co-pilot and John Hoyt as the Russian scientist, Rostov, is, for me, the acting stand out; he really is genuinely good. Of course, all the actors are professionals and give solid performances (plus there’s the added bonus of seeing Hugh Beaumont – Ward Cleaver himself – in a dinosaur-adventure film).
The film’s main failing, really the only thing that keeps it from being a genuinely fun adventure flick, is the incredibly long, boring ‘rock climbing’ sequence; twenty minutes of watching six men climb a mountain. This goes on for so long that they apparently run out of music and a large stretch is completely silent! It’s a simply mind-numbing sequence which pretty much on its own justifies the film’s MST3king. For years ‘rock climbing’ will be their benchmark for film-watching horror.
Riffwise the episode is, as I said, very strong; plenty of quips about the cast (including a delightful series of ‘Leave it to Beaver’ references for Hugh), some hilarious expressions of agony during the rock-climbing sequence, and a few funny running gags, such as the ‘you ever fly one of these things?’ bit.
Host segment wise, we get a funny invention exchange, with Frank inventing a patently useless mobile-treadmill, the staircase, and the rowboat (I’ve heard a rumor that the mobile-treadmill is actually real now; I hope to God that’s not true). The stand out, though, is a simply hilarious segment where the satellite is visited by Hugh Beaumont, one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse (played by Mike Nelson). It’s a simply brilliant segment which only gets better if you’ve seen ‘Leave it to Beaver’; Mike makes a great Ward. The other segments are only okay; nothing too special. There’s an amusing-but-rather-annoyingly-preachy ‘explorers’ segment and a decent one about the ‘cool thing’ (hard to explain).
So, all in all, a classic episode, one of the highlights of Season Two for me.
Thoughts while watching:
Forgot to mention last time that Servo’s head was back to normal; the ‘haircut experiment didn’t work.
Opening: Coach Joel’s prep talk. It’s pretty funny, especially Servo as ‘super-destroyer.’ Also one of the few times they specifically mention recent episodes. Gypsy is also developing nicely; she’s much more like herself now, if not all the way.
Invention: I love Servo asking for ‘some arms that actually work.’ Mads: Frank gets to do the invention exchange. As usual, he fails; he develops a mobile treadmill; which is so hilariously pointless that you could actually see someone trying market it. It’s very amusing and he and Dr. F go on about the rock climbing in the movie. They don’t have time for Joel’s invention. We’ll see it next week.
Joel (seeing the title): “Lost Continent? I lost my keys once, but that’s ridiculous!”
Servo (seeing the smaller credits): “And all the insignificants.”
Another Sam Newfeld movie.
They react in dismay at the exterior footage of the military base, which, according to the IMDb, is stock footage from ‘Rocketship XM’.
Hey, more stock footage from ‘Rocketship XM!’
Servo (seeing Hugh Beaumont as a military scientist): “So, that’s what Ward does at the office.”
They do some funny riffs on the guys watching the bleeping screen.
Rostov: “What’s its rate of climb?”
Crow: “Two-thousand feet, mein fueher!”
(as things are going well)
Joel (as scientist): “Hello Nobel!”
Servo repeatedly does the line ‘Jane! Stop this crazy thing!’ what is that a reference to?
(as things start going wrong)
Crow (Dean Martin voice): “Hey, Jerry, there’s something wrong with the stock-footage simulator”
Radio Operator: “Hello Neptune, come in.”
Servo (deep voice): “This is Neptune; God of the Sea!”
Joel (as scientist): “Good-bye Nobel.”
Rostov: “Are you sure you haven’t miscalculated?”
Joel: “Oh, right, I’m the jerk; it couldn’t be your crappy rocket!”
Scientist: “Not good is it?”
Servo: “No, it’s not good!”
Scientist: “Gentlemen, you represent the armed forces, you know what this test means.”
Servo: “This mean we can kill stuff?”
Scientist: “Those hours represent a large portion of our nation’s security.”
Joel: “And I’m talking to you Bob!”
So they lost the rocket, now they have to look for it or bad things will happen.
Scientist: “Get me a line to the White House.”
Crow: “Oh, the White House! We’re all impressed.”
Cut to Caesar Romero with Hilary Brooke.
Hilary: “The boys you train to fly, what are they like?”
Servo: “Oh, they’re dead.”
Caesar: “Hey, you had me doing this same show the other night!”
Servo (as Hilary): “I just wanted to see if you had any new material.”
Hilary: “You were taking me up to the door to say good-night.”
Crow: “You tried to use me as a key.”
(Caesar looks through the records)
Servo: “Hey look; the Dead, Mel Tormei, hey, here’s one of mine! Huh?”
(as they dance)
Joel: “I lead; give to Caesar what is Caesar’s.”
Sergeant: “Pardon me ma’am, is major Nolan here?”
Servo (as Caesar): “Oh, is that who I am?”
Caesar: “What is it, sergeant?”
Crow: “My neck, sir; it’s fused to my spine. Ow, ow, ow!”
So, Caesar gets called back to duty.
You know, I’ve seen this episode about a dozen times at least and I only just now got the joke where the Sergeant hands Caesar his address book and comments that he’s ‘an awfully tough man to follow.’ Now that I get it, it’s really pretty funny.
Cut to Sid Melton talking to a plane. I must say, I find him a good deal funnier than the Brains seem to have.
Offscreen Voice: “Sergeant Tatlow.”
Servo: “Hey, it does talk!”
Cut to Chic Chandler putting away his coat and talking to someone off screen.
Joel: “Everyone talks to inanimate objects in this movie!”
Sergeant: “Lt. Wilson?”
Chic: “One L or two?”
Servo: “Uh, five.”
Chic: “We had to crash on an island that’s loaded with guerilla resistance.”
Crow: “You make it sound so good I’m taking us in.”
Servo: “I gotta…uh, rr…ah, never mind that rest-stop, I’m fine now.”
I really like the interplay between Romero and Chandler; oh, for the days where practically every actor was a professional and they knew how to write dialogue!
Melton (about the plane): “I tell you she’s a dream, doc, my baby!”
Hugh: “If she could only cook.”
Joel: “Hey! You’re talking about the woman he loves!”
Crow (on Melton): “You’re really bucking for that section eight pal.”
Joel (as Rostov): “I could prove these guys don’t exist.”
Joel: “Uh, ‘genocide’ has a ‘c’ in it, sir.”
(as Melton offers Rostov some coffee)
Servo: “I don’t sleep; get away from me little monkey boy!”
They repeatedly use the quip ‘you ever fly one of these things’? Variations are coming up.
First Host Segment: Hugh Beaumont visits. This is easily one of the best segments of season two; Mike is hilarious as Beaumont, who claims to be one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse bringing a ‘message of unholy death. But first a stern talking to.’ One thing though; why does Mike have pipe? Ward never smoked a pipe, in fact he specifically says as much in one episode. Still, hilarious segment.
Servo: “This is the pilot; anyone back there ever flown one of these?”
(Melton checks his watch as the music changes)
Crow: “Hey, my watch has never done that before; it’s trilling!”
And the plane starts to crash.
Servo: “You ever crash one of these?”
Servo: “I was kidding about that death pact Hal; come on!”
Servo: “You ever dived one of these things?”
Joel: “We blew it, Phil.”
I think that’s the same footage used in ‘Jungle Goddess’.
(the plane crashes)
Servo: “Thank you for flying Northwest.”
Crow: “Hey, we landed on a witch! Maybe the film will be in color from this point.”
Bissel keeps mentioning his kids, sealing his fate.
Melton: “Hey, my watch is going! It stopped before but now it’s going!”
Servo: “Great. I’ll alert the media.”
(they take the door off the plane to get out)
Crow: “Uh, just put that anywhere.”
(during a fade out and back)
Crow: “Night falls swiftly in the jungle. But morning comes just as soon.”
Chandler: “Maybe we’re being set up for pigeons”
Crow: “And you’re the mother-loving pigeon of ‘em all.”
(no, I have no idea what Chandler meant)
Joel: “Well, just remember the rule, everybody; if you don’t understand it, shoot it.”
(as a woman and a boy walk out)
Crow: “Hey, Beaver, June, what are you doing here?”
Native girl: “Earth tremble, people frightened; leave in boats.”
Servo: “Oh, big day for you.”
Crow: “Uh, what happened to their torsos?”
Joel:”Hey guys, it looks like we’ve come upon a sacred burial mound; what say we defile it?”
Servo: “Have you ever walked through one of these before?”
Crow: “Will you let that die, please?”
And the rock-climbing sequence begins…
Crow: “Joel, why are we watching this dull mountain-climbing sequence?”
Joel: “Well, because it’s there.”
There’s a bit that they don’t note in riffing but mention in the episode guide; as they pull Melton up by his butt, Hugh Beaumont is in the background completely losing it.
Crow (as Rostov climbs): “Look, I’ll thank you not to touch my butt.”
Servo: “Just my hand, please.”
(as Hugh gets a reading on the Geiger counter)
Melton: “From the rocket?”
Crow: “No, from our hats, dickweed.”
Servo: “From the director who brought you that earlier stuff; more of the same!”
(as Caesar chokes on some gas)
Rostov: “What happened?”
Joel: “He loved too much.”
And they camp for the night.
Servo: “Bob, uh, I’m on fire.”
Joel: “Now, this is only for conversation, but if you were going to eat a human body, where would you start?”
(Caesar looks at Bissell’s picture)
Caesar: “Your family?”
Crow: “Came with the wallet.”
Crow: “Hey, Hugh, where’s the back of your skull?”
Hugh: “You married, Major?”
Joel: “You asking?”
Crow (as Rostov): “I don’t like the others; I’ll use their bones to butter my bread!”
(giant lizard suddenly shows up)
Crow: “Kitty!”
Rostov: “Up there! On the rock!”
Joel: “You mean by that gargantuan lizard?”
Second Host Segment: The Explorers. It’s pretty funny, although as they mention, it’s rather annoyingly preachy. It’s mostly saved by the ending where it goes completely off the rails, and by Servo and Crow’s reactions (also Joel keeps stumbling over his lines; Kevin keeps having to help him. Fortunately it works in the context of the skit).
Caesar: “What did you see up there?”
Rostov: “A monster I’ve never seen before.”
Servo: “And then what?”
And they resume the climb.
Joel starts rock climbing!
Crow: “Hey, save the fog; we can use it in a Ridley Scott film.”
Servo: “Just a few more feet and we’ll be…a few more feet along.”
Crow: “Oh, my God! They’ve done it, they’ve done it! They’ve reached the…side.”
Apparently they’ve been climbing so long the soundtrack has run out.
Now the guys start really getting mad.
Joel: “What are they looking for!?”
Servo: “They FORGOT!” They don’t even KNOW!”
Crow: “Would someone please tell the director about compressing time through EDITING?!”
And Bissell starts to fall…
Crow: “You must die, my friend, to make the film more interesting.”
And there he goes.
Crow: “I’ve plummeted to my death and I can’t get up!”
Crow: “Damn. He has my keys.”
Fade out…and fade back in to more ROCK CLIMBING!
(about a gap in the mountain)
Caesar: “Think you can make that?”
Servo: “Oh, I don’t know: I’d have to heat my core to thirteen-thousand degrees, get involved in plate tectonics…”
Crow: “No the mountain, you idiot!”
Joel took his shoe off to try to trip them!
Joel (as Caesar): “Well, this should thin the cast a bit, leave more lines for us.”
Servo: “You know, even rock climbing movies don’t have this much rock climbing!”
And after about twenty-minutes of them climbing the mountain, they hit the top.
Joel: “Oh, great, there’s an elevator! We could’ve rode up!”
Melton: “I think I’ve gone color blind!”
Crow: “Well, if this movie were color that would mean something.”
Anyway, they find another jungle on the top of the mountain.
Caesar: “You can breath without your lungs screaming for help.”
Servo: “We’re screaming for help!”
Caesar:”I’ll worry about that when the time comes.”
Crow: “God knows we’ve got plenty of THAT lying around!”
Melton: “Hey, major, we’ve picked something up!”
Servo: “Let’s hope it’s a virus and it kills them all!”
Rostov: “That stuff is the most mysterious element in nature.”
Joel: “Love?”
And the first call back of “that square bugs me, he really bugs me!!!”
Crow: “Rules of the road boys; see anything, shoot to kill....I mean, don’t shoot it if it’s gonna advance the plot.”
I love how cheerfully Hugh is about them moving into an area of intense radioactivity. Apparently as long as the uranium isn’t refined, its radiation is safe.
And they find dinosaur footprints.
Hugh: “I’ve seen tracks like this before.”
Caesar: “Where?”
Servo: “Larry Mondello.”
Joel cites all the other films that used this set (or seemed to); Mad Monster, Jungle Goddess, and Rocketship XM.
Why is it that only the scientists in movies have heard of the most common dinosaurs, like Brontosaurus?
And we get a semi-decent stop-motion Brontosaurus!
Joel (as the Brontosaurus): “Hi, I’ve been waiting for the last fifty minutes, but I’ve gotta go; they tell me I cost over a thousand dollars a minute.”
And it charges them, and Hugh thinks the best way to escape it is to climb a tree!
Servo: “Yeah, climb up to mouth-level, real quick!”
And it knocks the tree over as they shoot at it.
Servo: “I see a dinosaur, but I hear an elephant.”
Joel: “Sorry I had to tie you guys up, but you were letting the film get away.”
I kinda like Hugh’s character; the over-excited scientist who complains he didn’t get a picture of the bronto that almost killed him.
Hugh: “You know what a miracle is lieutenant?”
Crow: “The words ‘The End’?”
(Bronto/elephant noise as the camera focuses on Caesar and Rostov)
Crow: “Oh, very impressive!”
(as they talk about the uranium they’re basically sleeping on)
Servo: “One day I’ll be able to tell this to my three-headed grandchildren.”
Rostov: “You are a cynical, suspicious man, aren’t you Nolan?”
Crow: “No I’m not! Who told you that?”
Brief bit of Melton dreaming about a plane; Joel comments that he feels dirty after listening to that.
By the way, what animal is it that makes that ‘oo-oo-oo-ah-ah-ah’ sound you hear in every single jungle movie?
And they wake up to find Hugh and Rostov are off on their own.
Caesar (to Melton): “You were on guard; why didn’t you stop them?”
Servo: “Well you know how unstable I am!”
Crow: “Hey, who brought the sting-base?”
Servo: “It’s a contra-basso, sir.”
Crow: “Shut-up, maggot!”
And they find Rostov and Hugh trapped in rocks and besieged by a triceratops.
Caesar: “Go ahead and yell, loud!”
All: “YAAAHHH!!!”
And there’s a triceratops fight that comes out of nowhere. As Crow says, it’s the coolest part so far.
Third Host Segment: The cool thing. It’s alright; Joel reenacting a scene from the movie with toys at the beginning is pretty funny. This might be the first time they shown stage right of the satellite, which has a big window. And we go back to Deep 13 for a rare mid-episode visit.
Crow: “Meanwhile, in a less-interesting part of the film.”
Man, Hugh is cheerful in this movie, as Crow notes; he basically just laughs off nearly getting himself and the rest of the expedition killed.
Funny bit where they all pass under a log and the guys have them bumping their heads.
Nice scene between Rostov and Caesar, where Caesar apologizes for suspecting Rostov and Rostov basically explains that he’s used to it. They’re both decent actors and the scene is nicely played.
Rostov: “No country can survive if it loses the respect of its own people or the world.”
Servo: “Hasn’t stopped the good U.S. of A!”
Caesar (angrily): “Are you bored?”
Servo (same): “Yes, I’m bored! Let’s do something!”
Man, during Caesar’s big inspirational speech Hugh is in the background beaming; you just can’t get the guy down!
And more random wandering around. That’s all this film has been for the last forty-minutes or so; wandering around, occasionally interrupted by some random action.
(as they lean against a huge rock-pile)
Joel: “Uh, you won’t be happy when you find out what you’re leaning in.”
Crow: “Brain the size of a walnut.”
Joel: “Dinosaurs?”
Crow: “No, the director.”
Servo (on Caesar): “I’ll just stand here; tall and proud, keeping America…well, South America…Latin America safe for democracy.”
(Hugh unfolds a piece of paper)
Crow: “’You will die at the hands of a triceratops’?”
And Melton gets killed by a triceratops. Rather surprising; comic relief characters tend not to die in movies like this.
And we immediately cut to the next scene. As Joel notes; that was a short mourning period.
Servo: “Guys, now it’s the trip down!”
All: “No!!”
The trip down takes much less time, of course; the film’s almost done.
Servo: “You know, guys, if you ask me, I’d say they just reversed the film here.”
Rostov: “The whole mountain is blowing up under us!”
Servo: “Yep, the model doesn’t look too good either.”
They all get up and react to the avalanche/earthquake.
Servo: “They’ve come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.”
And the island blows up, but they steal a boat from the abandoned village.
Why is it lost worlds always blow up right after being discovered?
Crow: “Get away! The stock-footage is erupting!”
(as our heroes float to safety in a canoe)
Crow: “Ah, safe, out of danger. SHARK!”
Servo: “What do you think they’ll call the sequel?”
Joel: “Uh, ‘Padding and Paddling’?”
Final Host Segment: AMC-style discussion of the film. Their anecdotes get increasingly ridiculous, ending with Crow: “Director Newfield, known Nazi spy, cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac, used to amuse the cast and crew by doing terrible things to dog with a fork.” And there’s a letter.
Stinger: Explorers cuddle by the fire; one of those ‘meh’ Stingers for me; I just didn’t find it that weird a scene. Something with Melton would have been better.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. Jungle Goddess
10. Wild Rebels
11. The Corpse Vanishes
12. Ring of Terror
13. Untamed Youth
14. The Slime People
15. Project Moonbase
16. The Sidehackers
17. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
18. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
19. Rocket Attack USA
20. Robot Holocaust
21. Robot Monster
Conclusion: A semi-watchable movie, plus some strong riffing and one all-time classic host segment make for a very strong episode.
Final Rating: 8/10.
The film is about a group of scientists who are testing a new type of rocket, which mysteriously fails to return as it was supposed to. Rather than waste the time and effort spent on it, they employ a couple of air force pilots to fly them out to where it crashed to look for it. However, when they get there they find the rocket crashed on an island, which they also crash on. As if that wasn’t enough, the rocket landed on top of a huge plateau in the middle of the island, which they dutifully climb, losing one of their number along the way (along with many viewers; this is an infamously long and boring sequence). At the top they find a jungle inhabited by dinosaurs; a few Triceratopses and a Brontosaurus, all of which are oddly cannibalistic. After some more searching and incident, they find the rocket, get the data they need, and lose their comic relief. They then start down, only to have the island start to erupt. They all make it to safety, though, and canoe away into the sunset.
Like I said, the film really isn’t all that bad; the effects are decent (stop-motion is always a plus) and there are some cool scenes, like a triceratops fight. The film boasts a really stellar cast for one of these things; Caesar Romero plays the pilot hero, Hugh Beaumont as a scientist, Whit Bissell as another scientist (the one who dies), Hilary Brooke, most famous as a co-star on the ‘Abbot and Costello Show,’ has a brief role, and Sid Melton is on hand as the comic relief mechanic. I’m also partial to Chic Chandler (who will show up in a short several seasons down the line) as the co-pilot and John Hoyt as the Russian scientist, Rostov, is, for me, the acting stand out; he really is genuinely good. Of course, all the actors are professionals and give solid performances (plus there’s the added bonus of seeing Hugh Beaumont – Ward Cleaver himself – in a dinosaur-adventure film).
The film’s main failing, really the only thing that keeps it from being a genuinely fun adventure flick, is the incredibly long, boring ‘rock climbing’ sequence; twenty minutes of watching six men climb a mountain. This goes on for so long that they apparently run out of music and a large stretch is completely silent! It’s a simply mind-numbing sequence which pretty much on its own justifies the film’s MST3king. For years ‘rock climbing’ will be their benchmark for film-watching horror.
Riffwise the episode is, as I said, very strong; plenty of quips about the cast (including a delightful series of ‘Leave it to Beaver’ references for Hugh), some hilarious expressions of agony during the rock-climbing sequence, and a few funny running gags, such as the ‘you ever fly one of these things?’ bit.
Host segment wise, we get a funny invention exchange, with Frank inventing a patently useless mobile-treadmill, the staircase, and the rowboat (I’ve heard a rumor that the mobile-treadmill is actually real now; I hope to God that’s not true). The stand out, though, is a simply hilarious segment where the satellite is visited by Hugh Beaumont, one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse (played by Mike Nelson). It’s a simply brilliant segment which only gets better if you’ve seen ‘Leave it to Beaver’; Mike makes a great Ward. The other segments are only okay; nothing too special. There’s an amusing-but-rather-annoyingly-preachy ‘explorers’ segment and a decent one about the ‘cool thing’ (hard to explain).
So, all in all, a classic episode, one of the highlights of Season Two for me.
Thoughts while watching:
Forgot to mention last time that Servo’s head was back to normal; the ‘haircut experiment didn’t work.
Opening: Coach Joel’s prep talk. It’s pretty funny, especially Servo as ‘super-destroyer.’ Also one of the few times they specifically mention recent episodes. Gypsy is also developing nicely; she’s much more like herself now, if not all the way.
Invention: I love Servo asking for ‘some arms that actually work.’ Mads: Frank gets to do the invention exchange. As usual, he fails; he develops a mobile treadmill; which is so hilariously pointless that you could actually see someone trying market it. It’s very amusing and he and Dr. F go on about the rock climbing in the movie. They don’t have time for Joel’s invention. We’ll see it next week.
Joel (seeing the title): “Lost Continent? I lost my keys once, but that’s ridiculous!”
Servo (seeing the smaller credits): “And all the insignificants.”
Another Sam Newfeld movie.
They react in dismay at the exterior footage of the military base, which, according to the IMDb, is stock footage from ‘Rocketship XM’.
Hey, more stock footage from ‘Rocketship XM!’
Servo (seeing Hugh Beaumont as a military scientist): “So, that’s what Ward does at the office.”
They do some funny riffs on the guys watching the bleeping screen.
Rostov: “What’s its rate of climb?”
Crow: “Two-thousand feet, mein fueher!”
(as things are going well)
Joel (as scientist): “Hello Nobel!”
Servo repeatedly does the line ‘Jane! Stop this crazy thing!’ what is that a reference to?
(as things start going wrong)
Crow (Dean Martin voice): “Hey, Jerry, there’s something wrong with the stock-footage simulator”
Radio Operator: “Hello Neptune, come in.”
Servo (deep voice): “This is Neptune; God of the Sea!”
Joel (as scientist): “Good-bye Nobel.”
Rostov: “Are you sure you haven’t miscalculated?”
Joel: “Oh, right, I’m the jerk; it couldn’t be your crappy rocket!”
Scientist: “Not good is it?”
Servo: “No, it’s not good!”
Scientist: “Gentlemen, you represent the armed forces, you know what this test means.”
Servo: “This mean we can kill stuff?”
Scientist: “Those hours represent a large portion of our nation’s security.”
Joel: “And I’m talking to you Bob!”
So they lost the rocket, now they have to look for it or bad things will happen.
Scientist: “Get me a line to the White House.”
Crow: “Oh, the White House! We’re all impressed.”
Cut to Caesar Romero with Hilary Brooke.
Hilary: “The boys you train to fly, what are they like?”
Servo: “Oh, they’re dead.”
Caesar: “Hey, you had me doing this same show the other night!”
Servo (as Hilary): “I just wanted to see if you had any new material.”
Hilary: “You were taking me up to the door to say good-night.”
Crow: “You tried to use me as a key.”
(Caesar looks through the records)
Servo: “Hey look; the Dead, Mel Tormei, hey, here’s one of mine! Huh?”
(as they dance)
Joel: “I lead; give to Caesar what is Caesar’s.”
Sergeant: “Pardon me ma’am, is major Nolan here?”
Servo (as Caesar): “Oh, is that who I am?”
Caesar: “What is it, sergeant?”
Crow: “My neck, sir; it’s fused to my spine. Ow, ow, ow!”
So, Caesar gets called back to duty.
You know, I’ve seen this episode about a dozen times at least and I only just now got the joke where the Sergeant hands Caesar his address book and comments that he’s ‘an awfully tough man to follow.’ Now that I get it, it’s really pretty funny.
Cut to Sid Melton talking to a plane. I must say, I find him a good deal funnier than the Brains seem to have.
Offscreen Voice: “Sergeant Tatlow.”
Servo: “Hey, it does talk!”
Cut to Chic Chandler putting away his coat and talking to someone off screen.
Joel: “Everyone talks to inanimate objects in this movie!”
Sergeant: “Lt. Wilson?”
Chic: “One L or two?”
Servo: “Uh, five.”
Chic: “We had to crash on an island that’s loaded with guerilla resistance.”
Crow: “You make it sound so good I’m taking us in.”
Servo: “I gotta…uh, rr…ah, never mind that rest-stop, I’m fine now.”
I really like the interplay between Romero and Chandler; oh, for the days where practically every actor was a professional and they knew how to write dialogue!
Melton (about the plane): “I tell you she’s a dream, doc, my baby!”
Hugh: “If she could only cook.”
Joel: “Hey! You’re talking about the woman he loves!”
Crow (on Melton): “You’re really bucking for that section eight pal.”
Joel (as Rostov): “I could prove these guys don’t exist.”
Joel: “Uh, ‘genocide’ has a ‘c’ in it, sir.”
(as Melton offers Rostov some coffee)
Servo: “I don’t sleep; get away from me little monkey boy!”
They repeatedly use the quip ‘you ever fly one of these things’? Variations are coming up.
First Host Segment: Hugh Beaumont visits. This is easily one of the best segments of season two; Mike is hilarious as Beaumont, who claims to be one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse bringing a ‘message of unholy death. But first a stern talking to.’ One thing though; why does Mike have pipe? Ward never smoked a pipe, in fact he specifically says as much in one episode. Still, hilarious segment.
Servo: “This is the pilot; anyone back there ever flown one of these?”
(Melton checks his watch as the music changes)
Crow: “Hey, my watch has never done that before; it’s trilling!”
And the plane starts to crash.
Servo: “You ever crash one of these?”
Servo: “I was kidding about that death pact Hal; come on!”
Servo: “You ever dived one of these things?”
Joel: “We blew it, Phil.”
I think that’s the same footage used in ‘Jungle Goddess’.
(the plane crashes)
Servo: “Thank you for flying Northwest.”
Crow: “Hey, we landed on a witch! Maybe the film will be in color from this point.”
Bissel keeps mentioning his kids, sealing his fate.
Melton: “Hey, my watch is going! It stopped before but now it’s going!”
Servo: “Great. I’ll alert the media.”
(they take the door off the plane to get out)
Crow: “Uh, just put that anywhere.”
(during a fade out and back)
Crow: “Night falls swiftly in the jungle. But morning comes just as soon.”
Chandler: “Maybe we’re being set up for pigeons”
Crow: “And you’re the mother-loving pigeon of ‘em all.”
(no, I have no idea what Chandler meant)
Joel: “Well, just remember the rule, everybody; if you don’t understand it, shoot it.”
(as a woman and a boy walk out)
Crow: “Hey, Beaver, June, what are you doing here?”
Native girl: “Earth tremble, people frightened; leave in boats.”
Servo: “Oh, big day for you.”
Crow: “Uh, what happened to their torsos?”
Joel:”Hey guys, it looks like we’ve come upon a sacred burial mound; what say we defile it?”
Servo: “Have you ever walked through one of these before?”
Crow: “Will you let that die, please?”
And the rock-climbing sequence begins…
Crow: “Joel, why are we watching this dull mountain-climbing sequence?”
Joel: “Well, because it’s there.”
There’s a bit that they don’t note in riffing but mention in the episode guide; as they pull Melton up by his butt, Hugh Beaumont is in the background completely losing it.
Crow (as Rostov climbs): “Look, I’ll thank you not to touch my butt.”
Servo: “Just my hand, please.”
(as Hugh gets a reading on the Geiger counter)
Melton: “From the rocket?”
Crow: “No, from our hats, dickweed.”
Servo: “From the director who brought you that earlier stuff; more of the same!”
(as Caesar chokes on some gas)
Rostov: “What happened?”
Joel: “He loved too much.”
And they camp for the night.
Servo: “Bob, uh, I’m on fire.”
Joel: “Now, this is only for conversation, but if you were going to eat a human body, where would you start?”
(Caesar looks at Bissell’s picture)
Caesar: “Your family?”
Crow: “Came with the wallet.”
Crow: “Hey, Hugh, where’s the back of your skull?”
Hugh: “You married, Major?”
Joel: “You asking?”
Crow (as Rostov): “I don’t like the others; I’ll use their bones to butter my bread!”
(giant lizard suddenly shows up)
Crow: “Kitty!”
Rostov: “Up there! On the rock!”
Joel: “You mean by that gargantuan lizard?”
Second Host Segment: The Explorers. It’s pretty funny, although as they mention, it’s rather annoyingly preachy. It’s mostly saved by the ending where it goes completely off the rails, and by Servo and Crow’s reactions (also Joel keeps stumbling over his lines; Kevin keeps having to help him. Fortunately it works in the context of the skit).
Caesar: “What did you see up there?”
Rostov: “A monster I’ve never seen before.”
Servo: “And then what?”
And they resume the climb.
Joel starts rock climbing!
Crow: “Hey, save the fog; we can use it in a Ridley Scott film.”
Servo: “Just a few more feet and we’ll be…a few more feet along.”
Crow: “Oh, my God! They’ve done it, they’ve done it! They’ve reached the…side.”
Apparently they’ve been climbing so long the soundtrack has run out.
Now the guys start really getting mad.
Joel: “What are they looking for!?”
Servo: “They FORGOT!” They don’t even KNOW!”
Crow: “Would someone please tell the director about compressing time through EDITING?!”
And Bissell starts to fall…
Crow: “You must die, my friend, to make the film more interesting.”
And there he goes.
Crow: “I’ve plummeted to my death and I can’t get up!”
Crow: “Damn. He has my keys.”
Fade out…and fade back in to more ROCK CLIMBING!
(about a gap in the mountain)
Caesar: “Think you can make that?”
Servo: “Oh, I don’t know: I’d have to heat my core to thirteen-thousand degrees, get involved in plate tectonics…”
Crow: “No the mountain, you idiot!”
Joel took his shoe off to try to trip them!
Joel (as Caesar): “Well, this should thin the cast a bit, leave more lines for us.”
Servo: “You know, even rock climbing movies don’t have this much rock climbing!”
And after about twenty-minutes of them climbing the mountain, they hit the top.
Joel: “Oh, great, there’s an elevator! We could’ve rode up!”
Melton: “I think I’ve gone color blind!”
Crow: “Well, if this movie were color that would mean something.”
Anyway, they find another jungle on the top of the mountain.
Caesar: “You can breath without your lungs screaming for help.”
Servo: “We’re screaming for help!”
Caesar:”I’ll worry about that when the time comes.”
Crow: “God knows we’ve got plenty of THAT lying around!”
Melton: “Hey, major, we’ve picked something up!”
Servo: “Let’s hope it’s a virus and it kills them all!”
Rostov: “That stuff is the most mysterious element in nature.”
Joel: “Love?”
And the first call back of “that square bugs me, he really bugs me!!!”
Crow: “Rules of the road boys; see anything, shoot to kill....I mean, don’t shoot it if it’s gonna advance the plot.”
I love how cheerfully Hugh is about them moving into an area of intense radioactivity. Apparently as long as the uranium isn’t refined, its radiation is safe.
And they find dinosaur footprints.
Hugh: “I’ve seen tracks like this before.”
Caesar: “Where?”
Servo: “Larry Mondello.”
Joel cites all the other films that used this set (or seemed to); Mad Monster, Jungle Goddess, and Rocketship XM.
Why is it that only the scientists in movies have heard of the most common dinosaurs, like Brontosaurus?
And we get a semi-decent stop-motion Brontosaurus!
Joel (as the Brontosaurus): “Hi, I’ve been waiting for the last fifty minutes, but I’ve gotta go; they tell me I cost over a thousand dollars a minute.”
And it charges them, and Hugh thinks the best way to escape it is to climb a tree!
Servo: “Yeah, climb up to mouth-level, real quick!”
And it knocks the tree over as they shoot at it.
Servo: “I see a dinosaur, but I hear an elephant.”
Joel: “Sorry I had to tie you guys up, but you were letting the film get away.”
I kinda like Hugh’s character; the over-excited scientist who complains he didn’t get a picture of the bronto that almost killed him.
Hugh: “You know what a miracle is lieutenant?”
Crow: “The words ‘The End’?”
(Bronto/elephant noise as the camera focuses on Caesar and Rostov)
Crow: “Oh, very impressive!”
(as they talk about the uranium they’re basically sleeping on)
Servo: “One day I’ll be able to tell this to my three-headed grandchildren.”
Rostov: “You are a cynical, suspicious man, aren’t you Nolan?”
Crow: “No I’m not! Who told you that?”
Brief bit of Melton dreaming about a plane; Joel comments that he feels dirty after listening to that.
By the way, what animal is it that makes that ‘oo-oo-oo-ah-ah-ah’ sound you hear in every single jungle movie?
And they wake up to find Hugh and Rostov are off on their own.
Caesar (to Melton): “You were on guard; why didn’t you stop them?”
Servo: “Well you know how unstable I am!”
Crow: “Hey, who brought the sting-base?”
Servo: “It’s a contra-basso, sir.”
Crow: “Shut-up, maggot!”
And they find Rostov and Hugh trapped in rocks and besieged by a triceratops.
Caesar: “Go ahead and yell, loud!”
All: “YAAAHHH!!!”
And there’s a triceratops fight that comes out of nowhere. As Crow says, it’s the coolest part so far.
Third Host Segment: The cool thing. It’s alright; Joel reenacting a scene from the movie with toys at the beginning is pretty funny. This might be the first time they shown stage right of the satellite, which has a big window. And we go back to Deep 13 for a rare mid-episode visit.
Crow: “Meanwhile, in a less-interesting part of the film.”
Man, Hugh is cheerful in this movie, as Crow notes; he basically just laughs off nearly getting himself and the rest of the expedition killed.
Funny bit where they all pass under a log and the guys have them bumping their heads.
Nice scene between Rostov and Caesar, where Caesar apologizes for suspecting Rostov and Rostov basically explains that he’s used to it. They’re both decent actors and the scene is nicely played.
Rostov: “No country can survive if it loses the respect of its own people or the world.”
Servo: “Hasn’t stopped the good U.S. of A!”
Caesar (angrily): “Are you bored?”
Servo (same): “Yes, I’m bored! Let’s do something!”
Man, during Caesar’s big inspirational speech Hugh is in the background beaming; you just can’t get the guy down!
And more random wandering around. That’s all this film has been for the last forty-minutes or so; wandering around, occasionally interrupted by some random action.
(as they lean against a huge rock-pile)
Joel: “Uh, you won’t be happy when you find out what you’re leaning in.”
Crow: “Brain the size of a walnut.”
Joel: “Dinosaurs?”
Crow: “No, the director.”
Servo (on Caesar): “I’ll just stand here; tall and proud, keeping America…well, South America…Latin America safe for democracy.”
(Hugh unfolds a piece of paper)
Crow: “’You will die at the hands of a triceratops’?”
And Melton gets killed by a triceratops. Rather surprising; comic relief characters tend not to die in movies like this.
And we immediately cut to the next scene. As Joel notes; that was a short mourning period.
Servo: “Guys, now it’s the trip down!”
All: “No!!”
The trip down takes much less time, of course; the film’s almost done.
Servo: “You know, guys, if you ask me, I’d say they just reversed the film here.”
Rostov: “The whole mountain is blowing up under us!”
Servo: “Yep, the model doesn’t look too good either.”
They all get up and react to the avalanche/earthquake.
Servo: “They’ve come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.”
And the island blows up, but they steal a boat from the abandoned village.
Why is it lost worlds always blow up right after being discovered?
Crow: “Get away! The stock-footage is erupting!”
(as our heroes float to safety in a canoe)
Crow: “Ah, safe, out of danger. SHARK!”
Servo: “What do you think they’ll call the sequel?”
Joel: “Uh, ‘Padding and Paddling’?”
Final Host Segment: AMC-style discussion of the film. Their anecdotes get increasingly ridiculous, ending with Crow: “Director Newfield, known Nazi spy, cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac, used to amuse the cast and crew by doing terrible things to dog with a fork.” And there’s a letter.
Stinger: Explorers cuddle by the fire; one of those ‘meh’ Stingers for me; I just didn’t find it that weird a scene. Something with Melton would have been better.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. Jungle Goddess
10. Wild Rebels
11. The Corpse Vanishes
12. Ring of Terror
13. Untamed Youth
14. The Slime People
15. Project Moonbase
16. The Sidehackers
17. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
18. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
19. Rocket Attack USA
20. Robot Holocaust
21. Robot Monster
Conclusion: A semi-watchable movie, plus some strong riffing and one all-time classic host segment make for a very strong episode.
Final Rating: 8/10.
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