1. Yoda: “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.”
-Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
This is one of the few bits of the prequel trilogy that people actually try to defend, since it sounds vaguely profound and intelligent. But, personally, I must agree with the assessment of Rifftrax’s Mike Nelson:
“Yoda, load of crap biggest ever heard I is that.”
See, this doesn’t actually mean anything because the progression of these four emotional states is completely interchangeable: Suffering leads to fear, fear leads to hate, hate leads to anger. Fear leads to suffering, suffering leads to anger, anger leads to hate. Hate leads to fear, fear leads to suffering, suffering leads to anger. See? They all work just as well.
2. Hooper: “It’s really a miracle of evolution, all this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks.”
-Jaws
I hate to criticize Jaws, but, bad news Hooper: that’s pretty much all any animal does!
The line, obviously, is supposed to make the shark out to be something almost unnatural: “a perfect engine: an eating machine” as Hooper puts it right before saying the above line. But that’s not a miracle of evolution at all. That’s…well, pretty much just what animals do: they move, they eat, and they make little versions of themselves, and that’s about it. Some higher animals extend that list to things like ‘form packs’ or ‘play,’ but that’s about it. I mean, really, what else does Hooper expect a fish to do? Write a symphony? Build little fish statues? Play Fish-Cricket?
3. Jenny: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
-Love Story
Notice that this one line is all anyone remembers from Love Story…and it’s a really, really stupid line.
Yeah, I can see what they’re going for: “If we really love each other, we shouldn’t have to say we’re sorry; we should just understand that we are!”
That’s a condition experts like to call ‘laziness.’
Yeah, the other person might expect, even ‘know’ you’re sorry, but if you love her, then you should insist on saying you’re sorry. See, this is the same sort of fallacy that people fall into when they say things like “well, I don’t have to go to Mass/Confession/follow this particular commandment, since God loves me anyway.” It’s true God loves you anyway, just like it’s true that your significant other might feel like she doesn’t need to hear you say sorry. But that’s not the point. The point is do you love her? If so, then you should feel like you need to say you’re sorry. That’s part of the act of loving: saying you’re sorry. Otherwise that makes love rather one-sided, don’t you think?
Frankly, I thought Bob the Dinosaur’s parody of this line in Dilbert (spoken to a smug burglar) was a lot more profound: “Honesty means never having to say ‘please don’t flush me down the toilet.’”
4. Yoda: “No! Try not! Do! Or do not! There is no try.”
-The Empire Strikes Back
Yes, another Yoda quote: he has quite a few of these.
Yoda, yes there is a ‘try:’ that means to attempt something, but find that one’s ability is not currently equal to the task at hand. Luke does indeed try to get his ship out of the swamp, but is unable to because his understanding of the Force is not yet sufficient (“that is why you fail”). Yoda, who is a Master, is able to do so effortlessly.
Now, I know what you’re saying: “OMG! How dare you question Yoda?” Followed by a few very childish and profane comments on my intelligence, character, sexuality, and so forth. However, assuming you’re one of the more mature readers, you’re saying “but isn’t the whole point of that scene the idea that Luke doesn’t lack ability, but ‘belief’ or ‘trust’ in the Force? Isn’t the idea that Luke is relying too much on his false ideas about size and matter, when he should be feeling the Force around him?”
Yes, it is (and, let’s face it; the whole ‘Force’ thing doesn’t stand up to much scrutiny). Even allowing that, however, this still doesn’t eliminate the concept of ‘try,’ since Luke does try and does manage to lift the ship a little. His inability to do it is still because he hasn’t developed his skills enough, not because…actually, what the heck do Yoda’s alternatives even mean? That you either choose to do something or choose not to? Or that there is no choice at all, only result? Either way, it’s a stupid line.
5. Morpheus: “Unfortunately no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.”
-The Matrix
It’s a computer-simulated world designed to keep mankind placid and subservient to the advanced machines that truly rule the Earth.
There, was that so hard?
I suppose what he meant was ‘you won’t actually believe me when I tell you what the Matrix is unless you see for yourself.’ But, that doesn’t make as good a trailer line, does it?
The line makes even less sense when you realize that Morpheus actually does tell Neo what the Matrix is not long afterwards.
