Mst3k – 307: Gamera vs. Gyaos

                  Another Gamera film, and this one sees Gamera in full on heroic “friend to all children” mode. In other words, this is a kid’s film, complete with an annoying kid sidekick for Gamera in the form of Ichi (whose name is appropriate, since he’s as painfully irritating as a bad itch). Ichi is, if anything, even worse than Kenny: self-righteous, sanctimonious, and with a voice that could cut glass (though at least Gamera is actually a good guy here, so he’s not as creepy).

                  Still, it’s not all bad: there’s a surprisingly strong subplot about a road crew being obstructed by a community of farmers who are trying to extort higher prices from the construction company. Normally the film would be all on the side of the farmers, with the road crew being greedy and ‘nature-killing’ capitalists. Here, though, the film is more on the side of the road crew, with the farmers being depicted as artificially creating trouble for the workers to try to extort more money from the construction company. At the same time, the farmers aren’t wholly unsympathetic either: their desire to get the highest price they can for their land is presented as reasonable, though the extent they go to that end is frowned upon. The unexpected nuance here sets the film in a higher category than most of the Gamera films.

                  Finally, Gyaos herself is a pretty cool monster: vicious and deadly, with a good design that makes her seem like a monstrous vampire bat. Her sonic beam, however, is pretty lame-looking, even by the standards of the day (even in its cheapest moments, the Godzilla series never had beams that looked that bad) and her weakness is basically the same as Barugon’s, only with sunlight instead of water. Still, she comes off better than most Gamera villains, and you can see why she became his arch-nemesis.

                  Riffwise, this is another solid episode, with numerous quips about the monsters and the ridiculous plans to defeat Gyaos. Japanese monster movies are, of course, rich riff-material, even the better ones, and this is certainly no exception, with lots of jokes about the goofy effects and the evil Ichi. Host-segments are similarly solid, with the stand-out being the “Arts and crafts" sketch, which features some hilariously dark turns from the 'bots.

                  So, in summary, Gamera vs. Gyaos is another excellent episode from a strong season.

Opening: Crow and Tom are in riff-overdrive and are stuck imagining Lucille Ball and Harvey Fierstein.

Invention exchange: The Mads invented printers that print your self-image. Frank is a clown, Dr. F is Miss Ohio. Joel has a fax-machine Kleenex dispenser. He ends by destroying the cure for the common cold. They’re both pretty amusing.

They always have fun whenever anyone is credited as ‘planner.’

Crow: “And the student body of Yale as the townspeople.”

Reporter wonders whether Gamera is still benevolent. I don’t know, he wasn’t all that benevolent last time (though granted he had about three minutes of screen-time).

Businessman: “The whole country is watching to see if we finish the road on time.”

Joel: “They’re starved for entertainment.”

Farmers are refusing to sell their land, which is delaying the road work.

Interestingly enough, the film sympathizes with the road-building company and portrays the farmers as just trying to get as much money as possible.

Girl: “The chief is calling you.”

Servo: “What, Sitting Bull?”

Chief orders workers to keep working despite the recent volcanic eruptions.

Servo (as the foreman): “I should’ve taken that job at Honda.”

Cut to a helicopter surveying the volcanoes, which gets cut in half by a yellow beam.

Then to reporters mobbing the authorities.

Crow: “I’m a doorman! Leave me alone!”

And cut to the two goofy comic relief guys meeting a mob of protesters.

Crow: “Oh, no, it’s the cast of head-injury playhouse!”

Foreman: “Where’s the headman?”

Servo: “We’re a mob, we don’t need a head man!”

And a cute girl shows up and shoos the workers away.

Call back to ‘Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy.’

Old man is conspiring with the other farmers to make as much trouble as possible so the road men will pay more.

Crow: “Let’s rape the land! Come on!”

Workers find the camp wrecked.

Now we meet Ichi, who is even more annoying than Kenny, if you can believe it, who meets a reporter looking for a story.

(Ichi plays with his slingshot)

Crow: “Die, frog, die!”

Servo (on the music): “It’s Yoyo Ma!”

Crow: “My mama was a saint!”

Joel: “No, no, Yoyo, Crow.”

Ichi and reporter investigate a cave they find.

Joel: “It sounds like someone is leaning on their organ.”

Ichi: “Look at that!”

Servo: “It says abandon hope all ye who enter.”

There’s a cave-in and the reporter panics and leaves him (I can’t say I blame him, all things considered).

And he gets eaten by Gyaos.

Servo: “Welcome to this week’s edition of ‘Eat the Press.”

Servo: “I don’t know where my friend went but there’s a pile of poop here with shoes in it.”

And Ichi runs out of the cave to find Gyaos emerging from the earth (so how did she eat the reporter?)

Ichi gets trapped under rock, Gaos goes to eat him, I’m rooting for the monster…

And Gamera shows up.

Servo (as Gamera): “Hey, I stick my neck out for nobody, kid.”

And Gaos wastes a lot of time posing when she could be chowing down on the fat kid.

First host segment: Joel feels arts and crafty today and teaches viewers how to make Gaos while Crow and Servo toss off useless and dangerous advice for the kids (“Mucilage does not taste just like honey, from one who knows”). It’s quick, quirky, and very funny.

Gamera bleeds ‘primordial ooze.’

Joel: “Come on it takes a real turtle to cry, Gamera, let it out!”

And Gamera saves the kid. Boo!

Gamera then dumps him on his back and takes off. Right, I’m sure the kid would stay on easily.

Joel (as Ichi): “I’m tripping big time!”

And Gamera lands right in the middle of the town…without killing anyone or destroying anything. You know, this movie isn’t very believable (hang on, gentle viewer, you ain’t seen nothing yet).

There’s some rigamarole and they get Ichi off his back.

Crow (as Gamera): “Like I live to serve you! I’m outta here.”

They keep mixing up Ichi with Kenny. It’s understandable.

And the kid suddenly is sitting at the head of a military tribunal, repeatedly interrupting the scientists.

Scientist: “I have a little data on this…”

Crow: “Ichi did an etch-a-sketch.”

Incidentally, I suspect the scientist is dubbed by George Takei. Awesome!

He even comes up with a theory of how Gaos produces her ray after hearing about her five minutes previously.

They settle on killing Gaos. As Crow says “Good plan.”

Joel: “Random bombing should do the trick.”

Planes are all shot down.

Joel (as a thoughtful-looking Ichi): “I wish to play with clay now.”

Cut to Gamera underwater…

And back to Ichi.

Ichi hugs his sister

Servo: “Did you ever see ‘The Last Emperor’ sister?”

Cut to Ichi playing with his cars.

Servo: “If the UN calls, I’m playing with my slot-cars.”

Ichi: “Don’t touch them, sister!”

Crow: “They’re part of the set, now we can’t do the next scene!”

Great ‘multiplying helmets’ gag.

Workers all leave, except for comic-relief duo and the foreman.

It’s established that Gaos is nocturnal (no one except Ichi was keeping track).

Second Host Segment: Gammeradammerung opera. They only get three words in before movie sign.

The military uses lights to keep Gaos down.

Comic-relief guys are supposed to be keeping watch, they fall asleep of course.

Gaos shows up indeed, military opens fire. It works about as well as you’d expect.

Servo (as Gaos): “Friends, Romans, Countrymen, would you let me talk?”

Gaos blows the military away then flies off.

Gaos attacks city, naturally. Model work is really bad.

Joel: “No! Not Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood!”

Citizens assemble at a stadium to be under the lights.

Group of guys take Gaos’ picture

Crow: “Hey, you guys took my soul!”

Gamera shows up to fight.

Joel and the bots do a ‘Gaos’ cheer.

Gaos hits Gamera

Servo: “Tragedy struck at the midland tilt-a-wheel today…”

(on Gaos using her ray)

Servo: “I bet the hole in the ozone is this bird’s fault.”

Gamera crashes into a ship:

Crow: “Hey, he hit the Popeye convention!”

Sun starts rising.

Crow: “Oh, great, now you’ve made the sun-god mad. Good one.”

Gaos cuts her own toe off to escape the rising sun.

Scientists examine the severed toe, which is shrinking.

Cut back to Gaos in her cave, painfully re-growing her toe.

Scientists…

Joel: “It’s true: You’re impotent as a dish-rag Phil.”

They learn that sunlight destroys Gaos.

Back to Gaos for a hilarious moment where she accidentally drops a rock on her new toe.

And the scientists hatch a plan to kill Gyaos by keeping her out in the sunlight

Scientist: “There has to be a way, let’s think about it.”

Joel: “Where’s Ichi?”

And Ichi bursts in.

Girl: “You’re interrupting an important meeting, don’t you see?”

Joel (as Ichi): “You’re fired!”

Their plan is to make Gyaos dizzy by spinning her around quickly so she’ll be too dizzy to fly away.

(and yes, it is fully as goofy as you think)

They note that Gyaos must weigh ‘twenty-five ton.’ Twenty-five?! Yeah, maybe if she were filled with helium.

They’re planning on spraying fake blood to lure Gyaos to the spinning platform, as the foreman explains to the two comic relief guys

(Foreman picks up the phone)

Crow: “Yeah, I’m sending over a couple of blood donors mwahahaha!”

Joel: “It’s an army of meter men!”

Farmers try to sell land, Foreman explains that work has stopped and they might change the course.

Crow: “Now I’ve got this monster thing to deal with!”

Old man berates farmers for ‘weakening.’

Crow: “Hey, could you get the subplot out of the road? We’re trying to kill a monster here!”

All (singing): “53 bottles of blood on the wall, 53 bottles of blood! Take one down, write pig on the wall…”

Third host segment: Joel is Gyaos the Great, doing turtle spinning while Servo whispers instruction. Very funny, especially Servo and ‘Gromit the Wonder Dog’ in the beginning. Crow is also great as the host.

So, they spray the blood, Gyaos flies over, but seems uninterested.

Crow: “Okay, let’s face it, he likes blood but not the way you make it.”

Joel: “It’s the last resort, but send up the peel-n-eat humans.”

There she goes, she lands and starts slurping it down.

Then they spin her.

Servo: “Woah, either I’m spinning or this is some really good blood here!”

By the way, how fast was that revolving restaurant built to spin?”

Worker 1: “Something wrong!”

Worker 2: “Nothing serious!”

Joel: “We’re just gonna die, that’s all.”

And the power goes just as the sun comes up.

Joel: “Uh, that’s us getting crushed, isn’t it Steve? We’re dead aren’t we?”

As the scientists watch Gyaos smash up the place.

Crow: “Make a fountain of blood, I oughta…”

Wait, so Gyaos has a built in fire extinguisher?!

As Gyaos flies over

Servo: “Uh, honey, could you hand me that ‘Birds of Japan’ book?”

Reporter notes that the plans to stop Gyaos have ‘failed miserably.’

Servo: “So, what is this, How Green was my Valley all of a sudden?”

Farmers get mad at old man because the road is being moved after all and they won’t be able to sell.

Joel: “You blamed me for the top soil too!”

And Ichi saves him by throwing his toys at the mob.

Servo: “Get a pencil under his tongue, quick!”

Actually rather touching bit where the old man slowly picks up Ichi’s toys.

Ichi insists that Gamera wouldn’t have any trouble dealing with Gyaos, apparently forgetting that he tried once and failed miserably.

Ichi: “Then he could come here and burn up all the men who were mean to grandpa.”

Crow: “Uh, you’re getting into a weird area there, Ichi.”

Ichi hits on the plan of just lighting a fire to attract Gamera. And the reason no one else has thought of this is…?

Grandpa brings his plan to the military. Actually rather nice bit.

(as they start cutting down trees)

Servo: “The logging industry! Over three billion down! We work for you while we work against you!”

And Gyaos just puts out the fire. Maybe they should set the fire during the day?”

Ichi: “Ah! Gamera!”

Crow: “I’ll have my candy now!”

Ichi: “I told you he’d come, didn’t I?”

Servo: “Great, why don’t you go out and say hi?”

Crow: “Ah! So he finally learned how to duck.”

Joel: “I guess he remembered he had a shell.”

Gamera and Gyaos fight…

Gamera introduces his ‘rear-jets propulsion’

Ew, Gamera bites a bit off of Gyaos.

Gamera takes one glancing blow to the tail and collapses. God, he’s a wimp.

Gyaos picks up Gamera and starts dropping him several times.

Servo: “Hey, isn’t this how Aeschylus died?”

(It is: eagle dropped a turtle on his head).

Crow: “Hey, he’s supposed to be the hero and he’s getting the snot kicked out of him!”

Really goofy bit where Gamera throws a rock into Gyaos’s mouth.

Gyaos has pink blood.

Joel: “Oh, I can’t watch this! I’ve grown to know that character so well!”

Ichi: “Be careful now Gamera!”

Servo: “Hey, no coaching from the sidelines, shrimp.”

Gamera flies off carrying Gyaos

Crow: “Oh, what, Gamera has a luggage rack?”

Gamera dumps her into a volcano.

Foreman decides to start work on the road again, in the same place.

Everyone stops to thank Ichi for…something.

And we suddenly get repeats of scenes from this movie and the last two…for no reason.

Joel: “Here are scenes from next week’s Gamera!”

They identify these as outtakes.

Final host segment: They talk about how lame the attempt to kill Gyaos was in this film and come up with some of their own. They ask the audience for theirs and Frank sends one in, also coming up with a plan to 86 Dr. F.

Stinger: Two comic relief guys. Meh, I would have gone with the spinning Gyaos.

Movie Quality Rating:

1.     Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster

2.     The Crawling Eye

3.     The Black Scorpion

4.     Gamera vs. Barugon

5.     Mad Monster

6.      Lost Continent

7.     Gamera

8.     Gamera vs. Gyaos

9.     First Spaceship to Venus

10.  Stranded in Space

11.  Rocketship XM

12.   Moon Zero Two

13.  Godzilla vs. Megalon

14.  The Crawling Hand

15.  Catalina Caper

16.  Daddy-O

17.  King Dinosaur

18.  Jungle Goddess

19.  Wild Rebels

20.  The Corpse Vanishes

21.  Ring of Terror

22.  Untamed Youth

23.  The Slime People

24.  Project Moonbase

25.  The Sidehackers

26.  Women of the Prehistoric Planet

27.  Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

28.  Cave Dwellers

29.  Tim of the Apes

30.  Pod People

31.  Hellcats

32.  Rocket Attack USA

33.  Robot Holocaust

34.  Robot Monster

Conclusion: Another very strong episode, with a semi-decent movie and some excellent riffing and host-segments.

Final Rating: 7/10.

Mst3k – 306: Daddy-O

                A solid, enjoyable episode. Daddy-O is one of those fifties teenager/crime flicks filled with rock-and-roll, drag racing, and kids who are smarter than local authorities (at least in theory). The film follows Dick Contino as a young trucker/drag-racer named Phil who is drawn into a web of crime and corruption when his best friends gets bumped off by a crime boss (played by Bruno VeSota). oAssisting/sparring with him is a chestacular platinum blond named Jan, who also likes to drag race and has a serious attitude problem. They fight, flirt, fall in love, and eventually get VeSota arrested after some lame yet-strangely-catchy songs and truly horrendous editing. The film is more lame than awful, and at least it moves quickly and makes some attempt to hold our interest. VeSoto in particular has fun in the ‘pseudo intellectual crook’ persona: he was a genuinely talented actor, basically a poor-man’s Sydney Greenstreet, and always a welcome addition.

                Interestingly enough, the music in this film was provided by a young John Williams. Yes, that John Williams, apparently before he really hit his stride. Like I say, the music is oddly catchy, but it certainly doesn’t give any hint that the man composing it would go on to create some of the greatest film scores of all time.

                Riffwise, this is a pretty fun episode: fast-paced and witty. The Brains seem to be enjoying the good-natured cheesiness of the movie and numerous gags are had at the expense of Dick’s wardrobe, the terrible editing, and the lame dialogue.

                The film is proceeded by a short called “Alphabet Antics:” an educational film for preschoolers. Amusingly, the writers were clearly either trying too hard or not hard enough to be original, resulting in some truly bizarre associations, the best being “O is for Once” followed by a brief story of an ox failing to pull a plow (why couldn’t they just say “O is for Ox”?). Mostly they involve animals being put through semi-abusive situations, prompting some very funny riffs.

                Host-segment wise, there’s some good fun to be had spoofing the movie, especially Joel’s version of one of Dick’s songs and Crow and Servo reenacting the drag race by running Joel over repeatedly. The episode ends on a high note with the ‘broken button sketch:’ the ‘button’ on the Mads’ control panel is broken, so the credits start and stop repeatedly while Dr. F. tries to make Frank hold the button down.  It’s a great example of the kind of independent, creative thought these guys had: who would even come up with the idea to do something like that?

                So, cheesy movie, good riffing, great short, mostly good host segments make for a solidly fun episode.

Opening: Hanging around the water-cooler: Servo falls for Gypsy, then Magic Voice. It’s really amusing in a bizarre ad-libbed kind of way.

Invention: The Mads still have the giant baby from last time. Joel has an air-freshener mobile; the Mads have the alien-teething-nook: basically a pacifier in the shape of a facehugger. They’re both very amusing, particularly the bots’ uncertain silence after Joel rattles off numerous baby-talk words for ‘poop.’ “What the Hell is ‘checher?’”

The Sort: Alphabet Antics

Servo: “I never had any toys as a child!”

Servo:  “Yes, the modern aircraft! Unsurpassed in its services to livestock!”

Servo: “D is for Damned, as in “Village of.”

Joel (on “E is for Elephant”): “Hey, it’s the Republican National Convention.”

(on a very crowded playground)

Crow: “It’s a child farm!”

Narrator: “They say the Dutch make cheese that is good and it’s true.”

Servo: “It’ll plug you up for an hour or two.”

Crow: “Look out! There’s a huge, shapely woman lounging next to the boat!”

“I is for In.” Seriously, that was the best they could come up with?

Narrator: “B is for the bump you get when you fall.”

Joel: “And you break your back, neck, pelvis and all!”

Servo: “N is for float…huh?”

(it’s supposed to be ‘Nursery Rhyme.’ Again was that the best they could do?)

Narrator: “O is for Once.”

Servo: “O is for Once? What, was there a writer’s strike?”

Joel: “P is for PETA who’s boycotting this.”

Q is for the queer, queer pelican. Seriously, who came up with these?

Narrator: “You may think he’s queer, it’s true/he probably thinks the same about you.”

Servo: “Yeah, but he’s got a brain like a chickpea.”

Servo: “T is for tormented, tortured, and teased!”

The narrator spends a surprising about of time on ‘walking.’

X is for X-mas. Well, it’s better that “O is for once” thing.

Crow: “I hope we’ve touched you with a little bit of our evilness.

And now the movie.

You know you’re a special kind of movie fan to be excited to see that Bruno VeSoto is in this movie.

Crow (on the opening close-up on a rolling car tire): “I bet Firestone tires financed this.”

And John Williams did the music!

Crow: “Before he heard Stravinsky.”

We open on our hero (Dick Contino) driving a truck and nearly being run off the road by a crazy woman driver.

Servo: “I think this is Duel 2: the Trucker’s Story.”

The cars end up on a construction site, and the workers immediately side with the hot-blond lady of course.

And we cut to a night-club.

Servo: “Today’s youth! Hopped up on crack, crystal meth, formaldehyde process opium, tar heroin, and pomade!”

Hero sits down at a table with some friends.

One of his friends is obviously preoccupied.

Hot blonde walks in (her name is Jan).

Hero’s name is Phil.

Jan: “You’re singing can be any worse than your driving, Daddy-O.”

Servo: “You haven’t heard my singing.”

Joel notes that he’s not that bad.

Crow: “He’s singing the left side of the menu!”

Servo: “Boy, not a necktie to be seen, where’s our country going?”

In a hilarious moment, his voice inexplicably cuts out and is replaced by screams.

Joel: “Ah, he’s got a gun!”

Crow: “Now he’s singing about the continental breakfast.”

All (singing along): “Please, please, please end the song now!”

First Host Segment: Joel sings “Hike Your Pants Up High!” “It ain’t hip ‘til you’re in total pain.” It’s a pretty funny little number, and the bots have some pretty hilarious little band costumes.

Back in the movie, Jan and Phil are arguing, then start dancing roughly and arguing more.

Servo: “Okay, now whose breasts are bigger here?”

The upshot is that Jan challenges Phil to a drag-race.

Phil: “Let’s make it.”

Joel: “You mean they have to build their cars like a soap-box derby…?”

Pre-occupied Friend: “Phil…”

Servo: “We’re all gonna die alone and afraid.”

Pre-occupied Friend (POF) runs out pursued by Bruno VeSoto.

Crow (as VeSoto): “It doesn’t matter how slow I go, I’ll catch him, my son’s the editor.”

Very confusing editing and POF’s car rolls and burns over a cliff (I think).

Cut to the beginning of the race.

Guy: “You know your way through, Janet?”

Jan: “Blindfolded!”

Servo: “So be it!”

Very slow, awkward race ensues.

Jan wins.

Following conversation is very awkwardly edited.

Joel: “Cops was filmed on location twenty years ago.”

Anyway, Phil  gets arrested, booked for the manslaughter of POF.

He gets off on the manslaughter, but is put on probation and loses his license.

Lawyer: “I’d call you pretty lucky.”

Phil: “Lucky!”

Crow: “Look at the shirt! You call this lucky?”

Lawyer: “If you can’t find anything by next week, I’ll give you a hand.”

Servo: “Not a job, just a hand. I have your friend’s hand in the drawer!”

Phil starts suspecting Jan of killing POF.

His friend takes him to Jan’s house to investigate (then drives off and leaves him!).

Odd little bit where she offers him an apple and he knocks it aside.

(he gets a little rough with her)

Joel: “My head’s not an apple!”

She points out the damage on her car was on the wrong side, they join forces.

Phil: “Jan, I think we’re onto something.”

Crow: “Well, would you let us in on it?”

Cut to a “Gym”

Joel: “Bruce’s Gym and Church

Ugly big guy blocks Phil’s entrance to the gym, leads to some odd little lines.

Second Host Segment: The bots re-enact the drag race and repeatedly run over Joel.

Return to Phil and Jan sneaking into the gym.

Jan: “You leave me here and I won’t be here when you get back.”

Crow: “Hey, remember what he did to the apple!”

Joel: “Got to think…must try to think but too stupid…”

Joel: “Bruce’s gym, now with three full pieces of equipment.”

VeSoto and ugly guy come in, take stuff out of POF’s locker, nearly discover heroes, and leaves.

Cut back the night club, VeSoto approaches Phil about a job.

And then Phil is picked up by VeSoto’s manicurist.

Servo: “Wanted: Manicurist for an evil Slav. Photo, a must!”

(They walk under a ladder)

Crow: “Now, I know this is bad luck, but you’re already in the movie.”

Bruno VeSoto should never be filmed in a toga.

VeSoto: “I put a lot of thought into making this a place for young people to come for some wholesome fun…and music.”

Joel: “And evil.”

Crow: “Have you ever thought about being evil? Really evil?”

VeSoto offers Phil a fake license for his services as a driver/singer. Phil accepts.

Cut to Jan trying to have a conversation with Phil while she’s in her car, he’s walking.

She then barges in to his apartment to talk.

They start making out…

Cut to the grand opening of the club.

(on Phil’s singing)

Servo: “This goes out to the two of you in the audience.”

And Jan gets a job there too (and Phil stupidly tries to get her to leave right in front of VeSoto).

Phil grabs a drink:

Crow: “No, that’s the candle!”

Another song…

He sings it to masseur then kisses her.

Cut to VeSoto talking to him.

VeSoto: “I have some good news for you…”

Joel: “John 3:16.”

So VeSoto gives him a currier job.

Third host segment: Joel demonstrates different spit-takes. They’re then visited by the ugly guy from the movie (played by Mike Nelson). It’s kind of a random sketch: like they came up with two ideas but didn’t know which to do, so they combined them.

Back to the movie, another currier job.

Joel: “Yesterday pizza, today butter, tomorrow the world!”

And Phil gets caught by the cops.

Crow: “Daddy-O is soon gonna be deady-o.”

Cut to drug-dealer talking about how they need to deal with Phi (the scene ends mid-word).

Phil is accosted by some thugs.

Crow: “We’re gonna kill you, but we need to stop at a cash machine first. “

Thugs beat him up.

They dump him and Jan picks him up.

Somehow Phil deduces who killed POF.

Phil: “It just hurts a little when I breathe.”

Crow: “Then don’t breathe.”

The plan he recites doesn’t really make much sense.

They tail VeSoto to where he’s picking up some dope.

Servo: “In the fourth quatrain, Nostradamus predicted the end of this movie will result in bloodshed, the destruction of England, and cigar smoke.”

And Ugly Guy catches Phil and Jan, VeSoto ropes them into helping him.

Phil overpowers Ugly Guy by taking his glasses off.

So, VeSoto throws Jan in the steam-bath and turns it up all the way.

Phil shows up, awkward chase scene ensues in the basement.

And ugly guy somehow gets back, takes Jan out of the steam-bath…

Back to the basement for some of the worst editing you’ll ever see.

Then Ugly Guy and Jan run into some police and they just stop.

Servo: “And that was the incredible action sequence of Daddy-O.”

And the police pretty much just laugh off his recent spat of law-breaking.

Phil: “I’ve never felt more like singing in my life.”

Crow: “And we’ve never felt less like hearing you!”

Final Host Segment: Joel practices reenacting the film, then they read letters. The baby then plays with the buttons, resulting in them breaking. The result is the credits starting and stopping numerous times. It’s a hilariously creative bit. Honestly, how many shows would even consider something like this?

 Stinger: “Couldn’t help you if I wanted to, pal. Gym policy.” A solid choice, though I think “Want some?” is more iconic to the movie.

Movie Quality Rating:

1.       Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster

2.       The Crawling Eye

3.       The Black Scorpion

4.       Gamera vs. Barugon

5.       Mad Monster

6.        Lost Continent

7.       Gamera

8.       First Spaceship to Venus

9.       Stranded in Space

10.   Rocketship XM

11.    Moon Zero Two

12.   Godzilla vs. Megalon

13.   The Crawling Hand

14.   Catalina Caper

15.   Daddy-O

16.   King Dinosaur

17.   Jungle Goddess

18.   Wild Rebels

19.   The Corpse Vanishes

20.   Ring of Terror

21.   Untamed Youth

22.   The Slime People

23.   Project Moonbase

24.   The Sidehackers

25.   Women of the Prehistoric Planet

26.   Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

27.   Cave Dwellers

28.   Tim of the Apes

29.   Pod People

30.   Hellcats

31.   Rocket Attack USA

32.   Robot Holocaust

33.   Robot Monster

Conclusion: Lame-not-awful movie with some very bad editing and dialogue, but accompanied by some great riffs, host segments, and a hilarious short makes for a solid episode.

Final Rating: 8/10.

Mst3k – 306: Time of the Apes

This one took me a long time to get through. It’s not a bad episode, but just a combination of other commitments and laziness meant that this was a very disjointed reviewing experience.

                Of course, the movie is pretty disjointed too. Basically, here’s what happened: It was a Japanese TV show. Then it was edited down into two or three movies. Then it was further edited down into the monstrosity we are reviewing today. There is zero continuity, characters and plot points emerge without warning and vanish just as soon, leaving nothing but ripples of confusion in their wake. At any point in the film the characters could suddenly be anywhere, doing anything and their relationships and attitudes can change without warning.

                The plot we have left involves two children and their babysitter/teacher who go on a field trip to a science facility. There an earthquake hits, stranding them in freezing capsules which somehow transport them to a future ruled by apes…or an alternate dimension, or something! In any case, it’s “Planet of the Apes” as a Japanese TV show, edited down from perhaps thirty episodes to less than ninety minutes. The kids and lady meet up with Godo, a human resistance fighter or something, who has a feud with Gebar (really unfortunate name there), one of the ape officers who blames Godo for killing his wife and kids. Then the humans join up with ape child Pepe (whose gender is a mystery until the very end), there’s a semi-good ape commander, a flying saucer, a lot of escapes, and then it ends with the kids and lady back in the present and Godo trapped forever in an endless wasteland. Good times!

                After the discontinuity, the worst thing about this movie is the ape costumes. See, the masks don’t move. At all. The apes can’t even open their mouths. This isn’t just the Planet of the Apes; it’s the Planet of the Ventriloquist Apes! 

                The riffing is pretty strong here, with numerous ‘monkey’ jokes, observations on the bad dubbing, and comments on the lack of continuity. The guys always love ape jokes, and here they come thick and fast as a troop of monkeys flinging…well, they come often and are generally pretty funny.

                The host segments are pretty great too, with a darkly hilarious ‘Why doesn’t Johnny Care?’ a surreal ‘scopes monkey trial’ sketch, and an amusing turn by Crow delivering the ‘Ape Fashion Show.’ So, all in all, a solid episode, though the movie is a chore to get through.

Opening: Baseball season on the SOL! Joel puts one out the window and causes explosive decompression.

Invention: Gypsy patches up the hole. This might be the first time she chews them out in the motherly fashion she’ll later develop. Joel’s invention is the cellulite phone which reminds people to stay on their diets (it inflates when you order the wrong food). Frank has developed a miracle growth baby formula. It works…a little too well. Both are pretty amusing.

Another Sandy Frank film.

The credits play over still images of apes and monkeys.

And we open at breakfast in Japan where little Johnny is chowing down in preparation to going to visit a science lab.

(as Johnny)

Joel: “Off to meet my doom mom, see you after school.”

Johnny is joined by a little girl and a woman named Katherine who is their guide.

They talk about cold-sleep: cryogenic freezing.

Johnny’s shorts are very short indeed. Don’t the Japanese know how creepy that is?

Scientist expresses concern over an earthquake warning, but notes casually that “nothing will happen suddenly.” What, do earthquakes build up visibly before they strike?

And the scientist shows them the freezing process on one of the monkeys.

Crow (on the frozen monkey): “Kitty! It’s Snowball!”

Servo: “Rug-doctor: Steaming mad at monkeys!”

And they see a room with capsules for human freezing.

Johnny: “It’s just like they’re really dead. But they’re not!”

Joel: “But their souls are.”

Johnny goes into one of the capsules.

Katherine: “Now get out. Or I’ll get very angry.”

(earthquake strikes)

Crow: “See?”

Well, so much for the ‘won’t happen suddenly’ theory.

And the lab is destroyed while Katherine and the kids hide in the capsules, and are frozen when a rock hits the plot-contrivance switch.

Apparently the whole freezing process is controlled by a single lever.

Then they wake up on beds in the lab (now intact)

Joel (on the capsules): “It’s the Daleks!”

Servo: “EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!”

(they do indeed look a little like Daleks.”

They open a door (several times) to find a lecture hall full of apes!

Servo: “It’s a whole planet of Ron Perlmans!”

And the apes capture them and tie them to a tree

Katherine (to the girl, Caroline): “Don’t be afraid, we’re with you.”

Crow: “We’re doomed, but with you.”

And the apes start feeling their hair (yes, it’s kind of random).

Caroline: “What are they going to do to us?”

Servo: “I hope they lower your voice.”

Johnny: “I don’t want to be killed by a monkey!”

Crow: “I want to die by my own hand!”

Crow (on the advancing ape commander): “Come on, girls! We’re gonna give ‘em a makeover they won’t believe!”

And now they carry them off to a slag heap to, apparently, kill them (it’s kind of unclear).

They escape by…well, just running, since the apes are really bad shots.

The apes finally speak…to say “don’t let them get away.”

Joel: “Good plan.”

So they run through a forest…

Reach a bridge…

They cross hand-over-hand under the bridge.

Joel randomly comments that “It’s good to have thumbs,” much to the bots’ confusion.

By the way, do guards really check up on every small splash when patrolling a bridge?

Katherine: “Come on, this way.”

Crow: “Oh, like you know where you’re going!”

They come to a house and sneak inside since they don’t see anyone.

Crow: “Hey, let’s hide in the refrigerator and freeze ourselves back.

The owner comes in and runs off screaming, then a child ape shows up and welcomes them.

First Host Segment: ‘Why doesn’t Johnny Care’? Servo narrates, Crow provides the projector noises. It’s very amusing and kind of bizarre. Ends with the classic line “A mind like Johnny’s is a terrible thing to unleash.”

Ape kid helps them escape (we later learn her name is Pepe).

Ape mob (there’s an ape mob chasing them for some reason) stops at the boundary to some forest which the apes are scared to enter.

We meet two ape villains we have not seen before then cut back to the humans.

By the way, the ape masks are immobile: their lips don’t move at all when they speak. This lends a rather surreal quality to the movie.

The humans cross a barbed-wire fence and Johnny narrowly survives a trap.

Crow: “Betcha care now, don’t you?”

The girl (Caroline) panics and gets caught in a net.

Crow: “Hey, I got a great, kooky idea: let’s pretend she’s a piñata…”

Guy with a gun shows up.

Servo: “Stephen Segal in ‘Shoot the monkey.’”

They all are pretty happy to find another human and immediately assume he’s on their side.

Katherine: “We came here in a very strange way…”

Joel: “By refrigerator.”

After a brief cut to the apes, the guy (Godot) leads them to his cave.

Johnny: “Is this where you live?”

Crow: “No this is my summer home, what d’you think?”

Katherine: “Do you live here with your parents?”

Joel: “No they’re dead, DEAD, DEAD!”

Servo: “That Johnny is a walking faux-pas.”

Katherine deduces that, since Godot is here, there must be other humans.

Godot (to Katherine): “Those clothes are very torn.”

Servo: “They’re going to have to come off.”

The apes are passing the barbed wire, reluctantly.

And Pepe returns (randomly).

And Pepe arrives in the cave to warn Godot and friends.

The apes are burning the mountain.

Ape leader (waving a gun): “Kill him! Kill him!”

Crow: “Hey, you could kill him with that gun!”

Johnny: “Godot help!”

Crow: “Go to hell? Hey, he feeds you, he takes you into his home and this is your thanks!?”

On Pepe in the forest fire…

Crow: “He’s a crispy critter, kid.”

And the apes capture them again.

Ape: “Godot, are you ready to die?”

Servo: “Uh, frankly no.”

The execution is interrupted by the arrival of the ape leader, whom Crow immediately identifies as Colonel Sanders.

Leader orders humans released (no idea why). Godot immediately attacks him and gets beat down.

And a flying saucer shows up…

Now the leader orders the humans taken to headquarters…no, it makes no sense.

Gebar (ape police chief): “I request your permission to kill him!”

(Leader glares at him)

Joel: “On the other hand you’re right, of course, can I have a new desk?”

Leader: “I do not hurt innocent people.”

Servo: “I have assistants for that.”

Servo: “The king of the apes rides in style in the new Buick Skylark.”

Second host segment: Their version for the Scopes Monkey Trial. It’s surreally hilarious.

(On the electric fence in Godot’s cell)

Joel: “Ah, a bug zapper! I checked in but I can’t check out!”

And Pepe to the rescue! She breaks them out using the air-vents.

Pepe apparently always carries a screwdriver.

Servo: “Great, welcome to plot contrivance play-house.”

Crow: “Bye, keep in touch, scream if you get killed!”

And Gebar walks in to kill Godot.

Gebar: “At last I have lived to see the day when I will kill you.”

Crow: “Well, it’s nice to have goals.”

And he just stands there gloating for about a minute…

Then there is a series of VERY fast cuts between Godot and Gebar.

Crow: “Ah! Suddenly the editor goes for an Oscar!”

Leader: “If you had not disobeyed things would be different!”

Servo: “Not better, just different.”

And Godot, Johnny, and Pepe hide in an army truck.

Oh, come on, clear riot masks disguise them?

Ape: “Didn’t they run away and leave you here to die?”

Crow: “Hey, you’re right! Give me a banana, I’m joining you!”

Another inexplicable shot of the saucer.

Guard: “What are you doing here?”

Servo (as Pepe): “I’m a traitor to my species.”

Anyway, Pepe, Godot, and Johnny plan to rescue Caroline and Katherine. They use the old “Straw cart” trick. In a futuristic society.

Servo: “Huh, kid talking to hay, nothing wrong with that…”

And they find the girls, much tears.

Servo: “Hey, how about a little sugar for Godot.”

They argue about leaving or not. Katherine likes the commander…

They drag her out.

And cut to a shoot out on an old-west lot. Yes, just like that.

The saucer shows up again.

Wacky comic music starts as the ape’s weapons are disabled by the saucers.

Crow: “McKale’s Navy goes to the Planet of the Apes!”

And cut again to them sneaking by a road.

They steal a jeep…apes chase them…I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY DRAGGED THIS THING OUT TO A WHOLE SERIES!

And they park to discuss the saucer…

You know what? I’m not even going to try to describe the plot anymore: just role with it.

Commander shows up at a base amid protests…

Pepe: “Where are we going?”

Servo: “Do the words ‘shallow grave’ mean anything to you?”

Godot: “I’m taking you home.”

Joel: “Home? Where my thoughts escape me? Home? Where I comb my facey?”

Pepe arrives back home, blah blah blah…

Everyone seems really happy about leaving Pepe and Pepe seems really eager to dump her mom minutes after reuniting.

Really funny/dark bit where slow-motion Pepe running is accompanied by gun-shots.

(They’re driving, talking about Pepe)

Crow: “*Bumpbump* Oh, Pepe!”

Anyway, they now run into Gebar one last time.

Third Host Segment: Ape Fashion show. Crow is great here: it’s bizarrely hilarious.

Anyway, the flying saucer shows up and shows Gebar that Godot didn’t actually kill his family.

Saucer: “UCOM has ordered that there shall be a stop to all further killing.”

Servo: “Or you will be killed.”

Crow: “He’s an ape and he can’t hang on to a rope?!”

Gebar: “I killed my own son?!”

Joel (as the saucer flies off): “Hurts don’t it? Bye!”

And the commander shows up, offers for them to live together in peace, they turn him down because they’re different. Commander gives a half-hearted message.

Servo: “Message. This is the message, people!”

Godot: “The entrance must be somewhere behind the mountain.”

Servo: “Oh, that narrows it down.”

And they go into a big door in the mountainside, then…there’s some stuff (honestly, that’s the only way I can describe it).

Turns out they’re back in the human world.

The doctors are pretty cheerful about the fact that “they won’t get over it for some time.”

Godot turns out to be lost forever in a desert wasteland while the others have ice cream and talk about him. Happy ending!

Final host segment: the Sandy Frank song. Rather harsh in retrospect, considering how much Sandy Frank himself disliked it. Then they read a letter. The baby pushes the button.

Stinger: Johnny: “I don’t care.” Just right! A truly odd little moment (and probably the attitude of the filmmakers as well).

Movie Quality Rating:

1.       Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster

2.       The Crawling Eye

3.       The Black Scorpion

4.       Gamera vs. Barugon

5.       Mad Monster

6.        Lost Continent

7.       Gamera

8.       First Spaceship to Venus

9.       Stranded in Space

10.   Rocketship XM

11.    Moon Zero Two

12.   Godzilla vs. Megalon

13.   The Crawling Hand

14.   Catalina Caper

15.   King Dinosaur

16.   Jungle Goddess

17.   Wild Rebels

18.   The Corpse Vanishes

19.   Ring of Terror

20.   Untamed Youth

21.   The Slime People

22.   Project Moonbase

23.   The Sidehackers

24.   Women of the Prehistoric Planet

25.   Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

26.   Cave Dwellers

27.   Tim of the Apes

28.   Pod People

29.   Hellcats

30.   Rocket Attack USA

31.   Robot Holocaust

32.   Robot Monster

Conclusion: Awful movie and good riffing and host-segments make for a solid entry.

Final Rating: 7/10.