(Yes, another long delay: hopefully things will go a little smoother now that I'm out of school)
The second Gamera film is, by far, the best of the old series. The main reason for this is that it is the only film in the series to focus entirely upon adults: there are no children in this story. A solid plot about a treasure-hunt gone bad anchors the human story while Barugon is as unique and imaginative a monster as Gamera was and makes for a creditable threat. The human characters are actually kind of interesting and I found myself getting caught up in the brisk, easy-to-follow storyline. In short, this is an actually good Kaiju film; the only one of the old Gamera series that I would place on par with the Godzilla movies of the time.
One rather surprising aspect about the film is that Gamera himself is barely in it: he shows up for an opening sequence attacking a dam, then basically vanishes except for a brief encounter with Barugon until the climax. Quite honestly, if they came up with an alternative means to defeat Barugon, Gamera could have been excised entirely and the film wouldn’t have lost much (I don’t know what it says about the original Gamera films that the best of the lot could easily have been made without Gamera).
So the movie here is above-average for MST3k. The riffing, meanwhile, is also solid, though not brilliant (the best line is Crow’s “Solipsism is its own reward”). And the host segments are also solid, with the best being the brilliant “5000 Piece Fighting Men-and-Monsters Set.” It’s incredibly densely written and goes by so fast that you can barely keep up with the jokes and probably will have to watch it a few times to catch them all.
A pretty decent movie, great riffing, and solid host-segments make for a good episode.
Opening: Tom and Crow have a user-interface war. An instructive look into the early days of personal computers. It’s also pretty funny, especially Tom’s overreaction to Crow’s snark about Mac System 7.
Invention Exchange: (Crow’s arm falls off early on) Joel has an animatronic pop-can to be a spokes-person for recycling. It’s really cute. We also get to see Servo’s extend neck again! The Mads have the cumber-bubble-bum (which Joel invented in Episode 107, Robot Monster). Joel notes it’s familiar as they go into the theater.
Credits, over the ocean like in the first movie, except this one’s in color.
And we get some flash-backs to the first movie.
Servo: “A little background first!”
Narrator: “Again there was failure.”
Joel: “And deep personal shame.”
We learn that the Z-Plan Rocket (which looks completely different this time, by the way) got hit by a meteorite, so Gamera’s back.
Gamera returns and attacks a dam, destroying it and killing untold numbers of innocent people. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!
Joel: (as Gamera) “I just can’t get close to anyone anymore!”
Servo: “Tokyo, I think it’s about time to start thinking about Solar Power.”
(on the view of the destruction)
Servo: “Woah, looks like Wimberley Stadium after a soccer match.”
And Gamera leaves to feast on a volcano after bursting the dam.
We cut to a couple of guys in a plane talking.
Pilot: “This is my last day up here.”
Joel: “I will serve my master down there.”
Other pilot: “But you’ve just earned your wings after so much dedicated work.”
Servo: “Clarence.”
Cut to some women playing a stringed instrument.
Servo : “I never knew a cheese-grater could sound this good.”
Then a close up on some guys gathering bombs…
Servo: “This oughta shut em’ up.”
…and guns…
Joel: “Oh, come on, now, they’re not that bad!”
Servo: “Uh, guys, maybe you shouldn’t be smoking around those things.”
And the pilot shows up to join them.
Joel: “Hi, I’m dangerous to myself and others.”
Pilot gives the lead guy (his brother) all his money then comments that he wants his own aircraft company.
Brother: “That’ll take money…”
Crow: “And you don’t have any. He just took it.”
Brother says that he found a huge opal during the war and now he wants to go back for it.
Pilot’s name is Kaseke.
So, they’re not exactly crooks, but not exactly honest either. I like the ambiguity here.
Kaseke: “You mean we’re to quit the ship without leave and then reboard it again?”
Crow: “That’s dishonest!”
So they take the grenades and guns to defend themselves against all the creatures in the jungle.
On the ship, Kaseke and crazy-guy work as janitors while a third guy is an officer.
And we arrive on the island, with a lot of dancing girls.
Servo: (interpreting the native dance) “The Male of the tribe is saying ‘how about dinner and a movie?’ the female responds with ‘okay, but I’ve seen “Manikin” already.’ The male says he just wants to sleep, but the female wants to talk.”
And they’re interrupted by the helicopter with the three guys arriving (the helicopter spooks the natives).
Joel: “I’ll shoot myself to prove we’re friendly.”
They’re suddenly confronted with a hot native girl who speaks English (or Japanese: same thing)
Joel: “Hey, has anyone called dibs yet? Dibs!”
Crow: (as native girl) “Are you smitten by my eyes by now?”
And an old doctor shows up.
Doctor: “And I have been extremely fortunate. Hokaren is my assitent.”
(indicates hot native girl)
Joel: “Oh, we get the picture.”
(warning them off from the cave they’re looking for)
Hokaren: “It’s called Rainbow Valley”
Crow: “The Care-Bears live there.”
And of course they ignore the warnings and shoot their way out (just a warning, but it’s still mean).
First Host Segment: 5000 Piece Fighting Men and Monsters set! Astonish and baffle your friends and foes as you pulverize Japan! Gamera spits real fire and causes real pain! It’s hilarious! And I want it!
Back in the movie they’re searching the cave and find the opal. Officer guy goes nuts with excitement and gets eventually killed by a scorpion (crazy-guy sees it, but says nothing).
Servo: “Uh, death where is thy sting? We’re waiting.”
It’s actually kind of sad when he dies, when he was so happy just before and crazy-guy just stood there and let him.
Servo: “Hey, let’s put him in a real scary pose.”
Kaseke cries, crazy guy just talks about the opal.
Crazy-guy puts the opal in his pack, then pulls out a few grenades to kill Kaseke with.
Servo: “Hey, that’s not very respectful of your friend’s feelings!”
(watching him light the bombs)
Crow: “Oh, the roadrunner’s never gonna fall for this.”
(after the cave blows up)
Crow: (as crazy-guy) “Oh, shoot! I should have been out of the cave first! Note to self; get out of the cave before blowing it up.”
But Kaseke survived! And is being tended to by the natives.
Crow: “Saigon. I can’t believe I’m still in Saigon.”
Servo: “Oh, he’s missing the Luau!”
(Hokaren comes in)
Crow: “He can wait!”
Hokaren: “Don’t think we saved you out of kindness…”
Joel: “We just like our meat fresh.”
Kaseke: (on the drum-beating natives) “What are they doing?”
Crow: “It’s a long drum solo. It’s not your place to ask.”
The doctor and Hokaren try to convince Kaseke how important the opal is, and that it’s not really an opal.
Hokaren: “You’ve touched something evil.”
Crow: “Oh, I suppose you’re perfect.”
We cut to the ‘opal’ hatching.
Servo: “I think we have pretty much determined that it is not an opal.”
Servo: “Caution: filling is hot and alive.”
Meanwhile, crazy-guy is on the boat rejecting expressions of sympathy for his dead friends.
And the ship begins sinking thanks to the recently hatched monster…then it blows up.
Servo: “At seven PM a main hatch-way caved in.”
(as refugees from the ship are brought to shore)
Servo: “Welcome to Elis Island, your name is now Bob Smith.”
Brother is looking for Kaseke and others, only finds crazy-guy.
Crazy-guy says both friends are dead
Crazy-guy: “He slipped and fell.”
Crow: “Onto some live grenades.”
Pointing-guy: “Hey! What’s that?”
Crow: “It’s your finger and it’s pointing. Dope.”
(the sea begins to churn and bubble)
Servo: “Oh, it’s the ghost of Esther Williams!”
And the fully-grown Barugon shows up.
Joel: “Hi, I’m a juicy new character. Enjoy me! I’m what’s known as the complication. The antagonist, if you will.”
Brother says something incomprehensible.
Joel: “What did he say?”
Crow: “Well, roughly translated it means ‘beat cheeks.’”
They note that Barugon looks kind of like a dog.
Barugon reveals his ramming-tongue to smash a building with it.
Joel: “I’m your boyfriend now, bleh!”
Second Host Segment: Crow and Servo are old Minnesotan women eating out and Joel’s their waiter. It’s a weird little sketch, especially Crow and Servo’s rather disturbing little faces. It’s amusing more than funny.
Back in the movie Barugon is approaching Osaka while brother and crazy-guy discuss getting the opal back.
Crazy-guy let’s slip that he killed his friends. Brother starts attacking him.
Joel: “Tiny-Tim no!”
They fight, crazy-guy wins (it’s surprisingly vicious, especially as crazy-guy smushes him under two heavy lockers)
Barugon begins smashing up the city.
Joel: “You know, I miss my Hot Wheels set.”
(Barugon uses his tongue to freeze the military)
Joel: “You know, you don’t see that a lot in nature.”
Servo: “Property values plummet as whole neighborhoods suffer from freezer-burns.”
Joel: “Oh, I saw a wire! That wrecks the whole thing!”
General: “The monster can destroy everything with its tongue.”
Crow: “You try saying that without laughing.”
(on a sleeping Barugon)
Crow: “He’s dreaming of big, mutated, armor-plated rabbits.”
Barugon uses a rainbow to vaporize the missiles meant to kill him.
Servo: “Well, that went well.”
And Gamera shows up, attracted by the rainbow.
(on some refugees)
Joel: “Oh, Reverend Moon is holding a prayer and share!”
And we learn from a news report that Gamera was frozen solid by Barugon.
Kaseke and Karen show up and she recognizes Barugon.
Kaseke: “Karen, what’s wrong? Are you ill?”
Joel: “I’m carrying Barugon’s child!”
Karen claims to know Barugon’s weakness.
Barugon smashes a bridge.
Joel: “That’s a bridge over troubled models.”
Kaseke and Karen confront crazy-guy and fight.
Servo: “Oh, that’s good, hit him with whicker.”
Karen just stands by…
Crow: “Uh, honey, you can jump in here any time. Anytime…”
She hits crazy-guy with a bottle.
Crow: “Thank you!”
Kaseke winds up winning and tying him up.
Crow: “You’re lucky my chick’s here, man!”
Karen notices he was cut and sucks his blood. Yeah, it’s kind of weird.
Joel: “You are one spooky chick! You mind if I don’t call you again?”
Jump cut to Karen and Kaseke talking to some generals. Apparently Barugon’s weakness is water.
She provides a diamond to tempt Barugon to his death.
Karen: “If you don’t believe me, you are doubting the gods.”
Joel: “Woah, guess I stepped on a few toes there.”
Kaseke: “It’s the only plan that hasn’t been tried.”
Crow: “Well, what about the Z-plan?”
Crazy-guy is freed by some random lady, who cuts him free.
Joel: “Ow, cut the ropes, not my wrists!”
And they hear the news reports about the plan, including the diamond. Crazy-guy decides he wants the diamond.
Crow (as Barugon): “Oh, right, I’m heading for the lake, what you think I was born yesterday? Oh, wait, I was…”
Joel: “You know, don’t you think a disco-ball would be a little cheaper?”
And Barugon randomly decides not to follow the diamond.
Generals yell at Karen for the plan’s failure. Kaseke stands up for her.
General sees Karen crying into Kaseke’s arms.
Joel: “I hate to pull rank on you son, but…”
Random guy notes that Barugon was exposed to an infared ray, which Karen says is why he grew up so fast (as in, what should have taken ten years took an hour at most).
Karen: “He’s really a freak with an abnormal body.”
Crow: “I know the feeling.”
That’s also why Barugon didn’t want the diamond, so they decide to expose the diamond to the same ray.
Kaseke: “Karen, is there any way to make him stay where he is now?”
Crow: “We could staple him to the floor…”
Turns out rain freezes him (no word on why they can’t just blow him up then).
And after irradiating the diamond, they try again.
(as a car approaches the sleeping Barugon)
Servo: “And here comes a hapless family on a Sunday ride.”
Kaseke: “Good…”
Servo: “Well said.”
Kaseke: “What’s wrong?”
Joel: “Everything! We’ve got to lengthen the movie!”
Third Host Segment: They’re hanging out on the beach and Joel talks about the drive-in movies and the ‘stars’ in this movie. Servo and Crow start to worry about his sanity. He goes off the rails at the end, and his mispronounces “Willem Dafoe”’s name.
In the movie, crazy-guy suddenly shows up and steals the diamond at gun-point.
Servo: “Guys, I’m starting to doubt their friendship.”
And he gets eaten for his troubles.
Joel: “Help me! I’m being Frenched to death!”
(on the dismayed heroes)
Crow: “Why are they so sad? That’s the guy who killed his brother!”
Crow: “Well, that’s it. We’re licked.”
(Joel takes an arm for that one!)
Next morning, Karen notes that she always wanted to see the devastating rainbow with her own eyes.
Kaseke: “It’s our punishment for wanting so much wealth.”
Servo: “So what’s gonna happen to Donald Trump?”
They realize that the rainbow doesn’t affect mirrors.
General: “Can we use it against Barugon?”
Crow: “No, but it’s something to do.”
And Kaseke develops a plan, which he illustrates by waving a welding torch around.
They plan to reflect the rainbow onto Barugon and so kill him.
Servo: “Tanks of Windex are commissioned by the government! Kids are told by the thousands not to smudge the mirrors!”
So they attack him to draw out his rainbow…it works and he destroys the tanks.
Joel: “Uh, what was that about repositioning the tanks?”
Servo: “Too late.”
But the rainbow is reflected and Barugon gets burned.
They think Barugon is dead.
Crow (as Barugon): “I’m faking!”
Turns out he isn’t dead.
Kaseke: “We must arouse him!”
Crow: “Hey, I listened to the diamond thing, but I am not going to ‘arouse’ him!”
Karen explains that Barugon will never send out another rainbow since he has learned from his mistake.
Kaseke: “There’s nothing we can do!”
Servo: “That’s the spirit.”
But now Gamera begins to thaw.
Narrator: “Gamera has regained consciousness.”
Servo: “And his pilot has been re-lit”
Servo: “Finally, a fight!”
And fight they do.
It’s actually kind of cool, with Gamera repeatedly gashing him with his tusks, then finally dragging him into the lake to kill him.
General: “He’s completely defeated.”
Servo: “Then why do I feel so empty?”
Joel: “Hey, shouldn’t they kill Gamera now that they’ve got him right there?”
And Kaseke and Karen have a heart-to-heart.
Kaseke: “I feel so alone right now…”
Crow: “Solipsism is its own reward.”
And Karen takes his hand and the movie ends.
Crow: “Gamera will be back in ‘Support your Local Sheriff.’”
Crow sticks around after Joel and Servo leave to see how it turns out (it’s just the credits).
Final Host Segment: Joel explains why Gamera gets top billing despite a total screen-time of about five minutes, then presents some books about monsters in the film business. It’s pretty funny, especially the audio-version of ‘The Velveteen Turtle.’ Then a letter. Frank buys the uncut version of “The Stand” by Stephen King. It’s too heavy for Dr. F. to lift.
Stinger: Sweaty-guy laughs. Meh, not bad.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Gamera vs. Barugon
5. Mad Monster
6. Lost Continent
7. Gamera
8. First Spaceship to Venus
9. Rocketship XM
10. Moon Zero Two
11. Godzilla vs. Megalon
12. The Crawling Hand
13. Catalina Caper
14. King Dinosaur
15. Jungle Goddess
16. Wild Rebels
17. The Corpse Vanishes
18. Ring of Terror
19. Untamed Youth
20. The Slime People
21. Project Moonbase
22. The Sidehackers
23. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
24. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
25. Cave Dwellers
26. Pod People
27. Hellcats
28. Rocket Attack USA
29. Robot Holocaust
30. Robot Monster
Conclusion: A surprisingly good movie, plus some amusing riffing, makes for a solid episode.
Final Rating: 8/10.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Returns, Retribution, and Remembrance: On the Meaning in Slasher Movies
The second Golden Age of the genre film was initiated by the release of Jaws in 1975 and ended with Tremors in 1990. The sixteen-year period saw some of the best science-fiction and horror movies of all time.
Limiting ourselves to true classics, this period produced Jaws, the three Star Wars films Aliens, Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Terminator, Blade Runner, Back to the Future, and Ghostbusters. Expanding our view a little, we find such excellent fare as Alien, Evil Dead 2, Predator, Gremlins, Fright Night, The Howling, Tron, Tremors, The Abyss, and Robocop. Truly it was the best time for films of this sort since their hey-day in the 1950s.
And yet…the movies that are equally, if not more remembered, that are most associated with the time are not these giants, but the seething undercurrent of trash that shared the screen with them. As much as anything, this period is remembered as the time of the Slasher film.
Although stemming primarily from the excellent Halloween, the true Slasher film really arrived with the phenomenally successful Friday the 13th, in 1980. Seeing how much money could be made on little investment and even less talent, every hack producer (no pun intended) started churning out these flicks by the dozen until, less than five years after the craze had begun, the genre had become a joke even to itself.
But still they came, and still they were profitable. Today some are even considered sort-of classics, despite their manifest lack of class. It is not enough to simply dismiss them, as is so easy (and apparently sensible) to do, for clearly they have struck a chord and somehow it is fitting that they should be a particularly loud voice in the story of the Eighties.
Every age and particularly those that produce great works of imaginative art has its own particular fear. In the 1950s, the first Golden Age, the fear was science; the fear of what man could or would do in the future. In the wake of the most destructive war in history, the atom bomb, and unprecedented advances in technology, men wondered where it all would lead. This fear drove the great (and less great) Science Fiction and monster films of the period.
The 1980s, meanwhile, were a period of relative calm following two tumultuous decades of social upheaval. The people of the eighties had endured Vietnam and the associated protests, Watergate, the Civil Rights movement, the Sexual Revolution, and a massive, relatively sudden shift from the older paradigm of their parents to a new, more permissive, relative, and inconsequential one. They were coming off an economic recession. Now they were enjoying a time of economic prosperity, an immensely popular president, and a period of relatively little war or upheaval, at least as far as Americans were concerned.
The primary fear of the eighties, therefore, was fear of the past. The fear that they were forgetting important things, the fear that what had happened during those turbulent years would require an accounting, the fear that those things they thought dead were not quite so dead after all, and the nagging fear that the issues that had so divided the nation had never really been settled. In short, it was essentially “did I leave the stove on” writ large.
We see this worry about the past in almost all the great films of the era: Back to the Future mixes nostalgia for the last relatively peaceful decade with a young man’s disappointment with his parents and desire to change the past for the better. Ghostbusters and the Evil Dead films (among others) deal with the rise of ancient evils upon the present. Fright Night sees an old-school monster –a vampire – returning and forces its heroes to take past traditions (i.e. religious faith and its symbols) seriously to defeat it. What was a game to the people of the eighties must become deadly serious to defend against this ancient evil. A Nightmare on Elm Street is about the very memories of a defeated force of evil attacking the survivors. Even movies set in the future, such as Aliens and The Terminator deal with the past. Aliens is a Vietnam movie in space, expressing the shadow that conflict still held and the fear that it might be repeated in the future. The Terminator is about two warring forces attempting to change their past by returning to our present, so the whole film is about the shadow the present shall cast upon the future in its turn.
But perhaps no films express this fear as consistently as the Slasher movies, for whom fear of the past was their main theme. The basic outline of a Slasher movie remained largely the same for almost all of the many, many such films that were released: at some point in the past a crime was committed which was somehow not adequately dealt with. Possibly an innocent (or even not so innocent) man was maimed, tormented, or seemingly killed. Years later, on the anniversary of the event, either the victim or the perpetrator (or someone connected with them) returns to mete out punishment on those involved and anyone who gets in his way.
The figure of the Slasher represents fear of the past: of crimes being discovered, of past mistakes returning, of past sins being punished. Surely for the teenagers experimenting with drugs or having unprecedented levels of sex such fears were often only too real. For the parents the fear that old tragedies were being forgotten and that old mistakes could burst out at any moment must have been equally real.
The sixties and seventies could perhaps be seen as a battle for and against tradition. A battle which the ‘for’ crowd lost. The Slasher film expresses the nervous fear of the victors by asking three questions: “What have we killed?” “Are we sure it is dead?” and “What if it isn’t?”
Consider, as an example, the most exemplary (meaning they are a good example, not that they are good in any other way) films of the genre: The Friday the 13th series. The fear of the past saturates these films. The first movie tells of an old summer camp being re-opened after having been closed for two decades following a tragedy that had occurred there…and that turns out to have been the result of an earlier, forgotten tragedy in its turn.
Those involved in the camp’s re-opening do so over the warnings of the local townsfolk, who are sure nothing good can come from stirring up those old memories again. And of course they are right, as the counselors are picked off one-by-one.
The townsfolk are concerned because the camp was closed in the first place following the murder of two counselors and as far as they are concerned the tragedy is still too fresh in the memory of the area to do anything as flippant as start up the summer-camp again. At the end, though, the shadow of the past grows even darker when we meet Mrs. Voorhees.
“Did you know that a boy drowned here?” she asks Alice, who is now the only survivor. No, Alice didn’t. Apparently, no one knew or cared about Jason Voorhees’ death. The opening scene implies that the counselors’ whose neglect resulted in his death weren’t even fired. It is their deaths, not his, that close the camp. Here, therefore, we have the really forgotten tragedy, the even from the past that is being defiled and ignored until it forcibly returns to remind the present that it happened. Only one person cared about that little deformed boy, and the disregard everyone showed his death drove her insane.
The fear here is the question of what tragedies have been ignored. What might the consequences be of such neglect? The popular urban legend of the time of American POWs still being held in Vietnam spoke to a similar fear; the fear of forgetting and of what is being forgotten.
As the series went on, Jason (as far as he could be called a symbol at all) continued to represent this reminding, retributive force. He is localizes, bound to Camp Crystal Lake and its surrounding area (although he can and does venture beyond, it is always against his will and he always returns). The transgression that evoke his wrath is the fact that people keep returning to this place; it is the sight of a tragedy and they repeatedly ignore what happened there.
Much has been made – I think too much – of the idea that Slashers “punish” those who transgress moral boundaries. Put crudely, the promiscuous die, the virgin survives. This is true to an extent, but not to the extent most commentators take it. For instances, it is clear that the “virgin is spared” idea is not at all supported by the films themselves: the Slasher attacks the virgin as fiercely as he does anyone else. Clearly the “have sex and die” idea is something that comes from the script or directing, not as a motivation for the Slasher. The Final Girl (as she is called) is not “spared,” what saves her is that she fights back. Rather, the quality that really saves the Final Girl is often simply awareness: she pays attention, notices when things are going wrong, often sees the Slasher before it attacks her. This ties in with the fear of the past: the Final Girl tends to be the only one who takes the past seriously by discovering the Slasher’s history, evincing understanding for his motives, and even sometimes trying to make amends. Often she uses what she has learned to help her defeat the Slashers (for perhaps the best example of this, see Friday the 13th part 2). The Final Girl, therefore, makes an effort to remember and acknowledge the past and it is this, more so than her “virginity” that saves her.
In addition, the Final Girl oftentimes has some tragedy in her past, or at least actually has a past, in marked contrast to her fellows. Alice in the first Friday is implied to be trying to get away from something. Chris in Part 3 is traumatized by a childhood encounter with Jason (nonsensical, but it counts). Tommy Jarvis, who becomes Jason’s nemesis, struggles with the trauma of his first bloody encounter with Jason in 5 and 6 (the two films being mutually exclusive). Tina of Part 7 lives in the shadow of accidentally killing her father with her psychic powers while her would-be boyfriend (who also survives) recounts a troubled past. Rennie of Part 8 also suffers from a childhood encounter with Jason (also nonsensical), and the hero of Part 9 is attempting to rectify the failures in his past, which include a child he’s never seen, when he is sidetracked into fighting Jason. In Freddy vs. Jason, meanwhile, Final Girl Lori suffers from twin past tragedies, both of which are revealed to have been caused by Freddy (more on that film later). Note also how often the past traumas and tragedies are linked directly with the Slasher himself, who becomes a kidn of personification of the lingering or hidden damaging effects of such events and of the consequences of forgetting or trying to repress them.
Jason represents retribution and reminding; the danger of forgetting tragedies and transgressing old boundaries. The other great horror icon of the decade, Freddy Krueger, represents the opposite fear; fear of remembrance, of things thought settled that are not really settled, problems not fully dealt with, relapses, chickens come home to roost. Jason is the present looking back, Freddy is the past looking forward. Jason represents the forgotten veteran, the abandoned morality, the defaced monument. Freddy represents the old drug addiction you never quite overcame, the venereal disease you never knew you had, the psychological problem you thought had been cured. In short, Freddy is the personification of the consequences of the drug-and-sex culture of the past two decades.
Do not think I am being too complimentary. I don’t think for a moment expect that the makers of Friday the 13th and all its bastard progeny had any of this in mind during the making of the films; they were just business, a get-rich-quick scheme. But they were products of their time and they were what the public wanted and they wouldn’t have been half as successful if they didn’t’ tap into something deeper than “gore and boobs,” if only accidentally.
The Nightmare films, at least at first, are of a different breed. Sean S. Cunningham, who made Friday, was a businessman, an entrepreneur. Wes Craven was an artist. So while I doubt my interpretations were anywhere near Cunningham’s mind, I suspect strongly that Craven knew exactly what he was doing.
I have given one brief interpretation of Nightmare elsewhere, and there is no time now to give it its full due. Suffice to say, Freddy is not only a bad memory come to life, but he preys on victims who are already leading lives of, at best, thinly disguised disorder and lives beset with mistakes and sins, all of which are magnified in the pressure brought on by Freddy.
For example, Nancy’s mother is shown to have a drinking problem, which evidently is already a source of strain on her marriage (note the stiff greeting her and her husband exchange in their first scene together). As the situation grows worse and worse, so does her drinking, until finally her drunkenness contributes to the film’s most gruesome death. Similarly, first victim Tina has a neglectful mother who abandons her to go on a weekend trip with her piggish boyfriend, while Tina’s own boyfriend is a juvenile delinquent whose past makes him the chief suspect in Tina’s murder…and whose own death is therefore passed over without comment. Freddy is not just a bad memory returned to life, but he brings other bad memories with him. He is literally the past attacking the present.
Perhaps no film explores these themes better or more directly than Freddy vs. Jason, the long-awaited crossover of the two series, the finale for both of them, and one of the best films in either.
Interestingly, both Freddy and Jason are memories in this film for the audience as well as the characters. By the time it was released, Freddy hadn’t been on screen for nine years, while Jason had been absent for ten years, not counting Jason X the previous year, which holds the dubious-yet-impressive distinction of being possibly the stupidest film in the whole series. In the world of the film, Jason has been absent for an indeterminate amount of time (long enough for everyone to assume he’s dead), while Freddy has been absent for seven years, thanks to the extreme efforts of the Springwood authorities to defeat him the only way they can: by forgetting him.
The forgotten Freddy, however, has struck a plan to get around this by reviving Jason, the monster of remembrance, to force the people of Springwood to remember him. When Jason starts killing the local population, the authorities panic and assume it’s Freddy again…meaning that, very soon, it will be.
The plot of the film, therefore, rests on the tension of forgetting and remembering of the past. Its Final Girl, Lori, as has already been mentioned, is emotionally stunted by twin traumas in her past: her mother’s sudden death and the subsequent disappearance of her boyfriend. As the film goes on, she discovers partial truths about these events which push her even further into danger by directing her away from people who could have protected her (her father, the police) and causing her and her friends to try to take on Freddy and Jason themselves. In the end, though, she discovers the truth that Freddy was responsible for both of the tragedies by killing her mother, which her boyfriend witnessed, but misconstrued (possibly by Freddy’s intention) what he was seeing to be Lori’s father killing her, resulting in his sudden removal for fear that he has found out about Freddy (all the teens who knew about Freddy have been institutionalized to prevent them telling others about him). The unknown elements in her past, and the subsequent half-remembrances, lead her further and further into danger. It is only after she learns the whole truth that she is able to take charge…and to defeat Freddy once and for all, symbolically ending the past’s reign over her present.
In the meantime, though, Freddy has been having problems of his own. Having unleashed Jason to remind Springwood about himself, he never stopped to consider what might happen afterwards…or that, for someone who is literally a bad memory, releasing an engine of retribution might not be the best idea, since what is retribution if not a counterforce to bad memories? Jason, true to his nature, refuses to be shut down: he refuses to let Freddy forget about him either. As Freddy himself puts it, “HE JUST WONT STOP!”
In response, Freddy digs up horrors in Jason’s past: specifically, his death by drowning and his relationship with his mother. Freddy, therefore, attacks Jason with Jason’s own past. And it works, at least at first. The trouble is, Jason has things to remind Freddy about too. Freddy, in life, was child-murderer and Jason, it is shown, is a child at heart (a feral, deranged child, granted). When they next meet, it is on Jason’s terms…and he makes it abundantly clear that he remembers what Freddy did to him. Freddy has revived and then tormented an indestructible force of retribution, and now he finds it visiting his own sins upon himself. Jason the child-man rips Freddy the child-murderer to pieces and there is nothing Freddy, for all his power, can do about it. Retribution meets Memory.
In the end, though, they can’t kill each other. How can Memory defeat the force of Remembrance or Retribution destroy Memory? What can happen, and what does happen, however, is that Retribution contains Memory. The last shot of film is Jason emerging from the lake, as invulnerable as ever, with what’s left of Freddy firmly in his possession. The last shot of the last true Slasher film is of the personification of Bad Memories secure in the power of the force of Remembrance and Retribution, not forgotten, and with an implicit warning not to try to forget again, but faced and dealt with at last.
The Slasher movies were the rather repulsive expression of a society living under the shadow of its past deeds and uncertain about what exactly it had done. Their theme, essentially, is that the past is often frightening and rife with sins and mistakes, but trying to forget it or shove it aside can be a very dangerous thing, as it has ways of forcing you to remember it. The only way to deal with the past is to face it head on, no matter how horrific it might be. Only then can we move on and continue to live.
Limiting ourselves to true classics, this period produced Jaws, the three Star Wars films Aliens, Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Terminator, Blade Runner, Back to the Future, and Ghostbusters. Expanding our view a little, we find such excellent fare as Alien, Evil Dead 2, Predator, Gremlins, Fright Night, The Howling, Tron, Tremors, The Abyss, and Robocop. Truly it was the best time for films of this sort since their hey-day in the 1950s.
And yet…the movies that are equally, if not more remembered, that are most associated with the time are not these giants, but the seething undercurrent of trash that shared the screen with them. As much as anything, this period is remembered as the time of the Slasher film.
Although stemming primarily from the excellent Halloween, the true Slasher film really arrived with the phenomenally successful Friday the 13th, in 1980. Seeing how much money could be made on little investment and even less talent, every hack producer (no pun intended) started churning out these flicks by the dozen until, less than five years after the craze had begun, the genre had become a joke even to itself.
But still they came, and still they were profitable. Today some are even considered sort-of classics, despite their manifest lack of class. It is not enough to simply dismiss them, as is so easy (and apparently sensible) to do, for clearly they have struck a chord and somehow it is fitting that they should be a particularly loud voice in the story of the Eighties.
Every age and particularly those that produce great works of imaginative art has its own particular fear. In the 1950s, the first Golden Age, the fear was science; the fear of what man could or would do in the future. In the wake of the most destructive war in history, the atom bomb, and unprecedented advances in technology, men wondered where it all would lead. This fear drove the great (and less great) Science Fiction and monster films of the period.
The 1980s, meanwhile, were a period of relative calm following two tumultuous decades of social upheaval. The people of the eighties had endured Vietnam and the associated protests, Watergate, the Civil Rights movement, the Sexual Revolution, and a massive, relatively sudden shift from the older paradigm of their parents to a new, more permissive, relative, and inconsequential one. They were coming off an economic recession. Now they were enjoying a time of economic prosperity, an immensely popular president, and a period of relatively little war or upheaval, at least as far as Americans were concerned.
The primary fear of the eighties, therefore, was fear of the past. The fear that they were forgetting important things, the fear that what had happened during those turbulent years would require an accounting, the fear that those things they thought dead were not quite so dead after all, and the nagging fear that the issues that had so divided the nation had never really been settled. In short, it was essentially “did I leave the stove on” writ large.
We see this worry about the past in almost all the great films of the era: Back to the Future mixes nostalgia for the last relatively peaceful decade with a young man’s disappointment with his parents and desire to change the past for the better. Ghostbusters and the Evil Dead films (among others) deal with the rise of ancient evils upon the present. Fright Night sees an old-school monster –a vampire – returning and forces its heroes to take past traditions (i.e. religious faith and its symbols) seriously to defeat it. What was a game to the people of the eighties must become deadly serious to defend against this ancient evil. A Nightmare on Elm Street is about the very memories of a defeated force of evil attacking the survivors. Even movies set in the future, such as Aliens and The Terminator deal with the past. Aliens is a Vietnam movie in space, expressing the shadow that conflict still held and the fear that it might be repeated in the future. The Terminator is about two warring forces attempting to change their past by returning to our present, so the whole film is about the shadow the present shall cast upon the future in its turn.
But perhaps no films express this fear as consistently as the Slasher movies, for whom fear of the past was their main theme. The basic outline of a Slasher movie remained largely the same for almost all of the many, many such films that were released: at some point in the past a crime was committed which was somehow not adequately dealt with. Possibly an innocent (or even not so innocent) man was maimed, tormented, or seemingly killed. Years later, on the anniversary of the event, either the victim or the perpetrator (or someone connected with them) returns to mete out punishment on those involved and anyone who gets in his way.
The figure of the Slasher represents fear of the past: of crimes being discovered, of past mistakes returning, of past sins being punished. Surely for the teenagers experimenting with drugs or having unprecedented levels of sex such fears were often only too real. For the parents the fear that old tragedies were being forgotten and that old mistakes could burst out at any moment must have been equally real.
The sixties and seventies could perhaps be seen as a battle for and against tradition. A battle which the ‘for’ crowd lost. The Slasher film expresses the nervous fear of the victors by asking three questions: “What have we killed?” “Are we sure it is dead?” and “What if it isn’t?”
Consider, as an example, the most exemplary (meaning they are a good example, not that they are good in any other way) films of the genre: The Friday the 13th series. The fear of the past saturates these films. The first movie tells of an old summer camp being re-opened after having been closed for two decades following a tragedy that had occurred there…and that turns out to have been the result of an earlier, forgotten tragedy in its turn.
Those involved in the camp’s re-opening do so over the warnings of the local townsfolk, who are sure nothing good can come from stirring up those old memories again. And of course they are right, as the counselors are picked off one-by-one.
The townsfolk are concerned because the camp was closed in the first place following the murder of two counselors and as far as they are concerned the tragedy is still too fresh in the memory of the area to do anything as flippant as start up the summer-camp again. At the end, though, the shadow of the past grows even darker when we meet Mrs. Voorhees.
“Did you know that a boy drowned here?” she asks Alice, who is now the only survivor. No, Alice didn’t. Apparently, no one knew or cared about Jason Voorhees’ death. The opening scene implies that the counselors’ whose neglect resulted in his death weren’t even fired. It is their deaths, not his, that close the camp. Here, therefore, we have the really forgotten tragedy, the even from the past that is being defiled and ignored until it forcibly returns to remind the present that it happened. Only one person cared about that little deformed boy, and the disregard everyone showed his death drove her insane.
The fear here is the question of what tragedies have been ignored. What might the consequences be of such neglect? The popular urban legend of the time of American POWs still being held in Vietnam spoke to a similar fear; the fear of forgetting and of what is being forgotten.
As the series went on, Jason (as far as he could be called a symbol at all) continued to represent this reminding, retributive force. He is localizes, bound to Camp Crystal Lake and its surrounding area (although he can and does venture beyond, it is always against his will and he always returns). The transgression that evoke his wrath is the fact that people keep returning to this place; it is the sight of a tragedy and they repeatedly ignore what happened there.
Much has been made – I think too much – of the idea that Slashers “punish” those who transgress moral boundaries. Put crudely, the promiscuous die, the virgin survives. This is true to an extent, but not to the extent most commentators take it. For instances, it is clear that the “virgin is spared” idea is not at all supported by the films themselves: the Slasher attacks the virgin as fiercely as he does anyone else. Clearly the “have sex and die” idea is something that comes from the script or directing, not as a motivation for the Slasher. The Final Girl (as she is called) is not “spared,” what saves her is that she fights back. Rather, the quality that really saves the Final Girl is often simply awareness: she pays attention, notices when things are going wrong, often sees the Slasher before it attacks her. This ties in with the fear of the past: the Final Girl tends to be the only one who takes the past seriously by discovering the Slasher’s history, evincing understanding for his motives, and even sometimes trying to make amends. Often she uses what she has learned to help her defeat the Slashers (for perhaps the best example of this, see Friday the 13th part 2). The Final Girl, therefore, makes an effort to remember and acknowledge the past and it is this, more so than her “virginity” that saves her.
In addition, the Final Girl oftentimes has some tragedy in her past, or at least actually has a past, in marked contrast to her fellows. Alice in the first Friday is implied to be trying to get away from something. Chris in Part 3 is traumatized by a childhood encounter with Jason (nonsensical, but it counts). Tommy Jarvis, who becomes Jason’s nemesis, struggles with the trauma of his first bloody encounter with Jason in 5 and 6 (the two films being mutually exclusive). Tina of Part 7 lives in the shadow of accidentally killing her father with her psychic powers while her would-be boyfriend (who also survives) recounts a troubled past. Rennie of Part 8 also suffers from a childhood encounter with Jason (also nonsensical), and the hero of Part 9 is attempting to rectify the failures in his past, which include a child he’s never seen, when he is sidetracked into fighting Jason. In Freddy vs. Jason, meanwhile, Final Girl Lori suffers from twin past tragedies, both of which are revealed to have been caused by Freddy (more on that film later). Note also how often the past traumas and tragedies are linked directly with the Slasher himself, who becomes a kidn of personification of the lingering or hidden damaging effects of such events and of the consequences of forgetting or trying to repress them.
Jason represents retribution and reminding; the danger of forgetting tragedies and transgressing old boundaries. The other great horror icon of the decade, Freddy Krueger, represents the opposite fear; fear of remembrance, of things thought settled that are not really settled, problems not fully dealt with, relapses, chickens come home to roost. Jason is the present looking back, Freddy is the past looking forward. Jason represents the forgotten veteran, the abandoned morality, the defaced monument. Freddy represents the old drug addiction you never quite overcame, the venereal disease you never knew you had, the psychological problem you thought had been cured. In short, Freddy is the personification of the consequences of the drug-and-sex culture of the past two decades.
Do not think I am being too complimentary. I don’t think for a moment expect that the makers of Friday the 13th and all its bastard progeny had any of this in mind during the making of the films; they were just business, a get-rich-quick scheme. But they were products of their time and they were what the public wanted and they wouldn’t have been half as successful if they didn’t’ tap into something deeper than “gore and boobs,” if only accidentally.
The Nightmare films, at least at first, are of a different breed. Sean S. Cunningham, who made Friday, was a businessman, an entrepreneur. Wes Craven was an artist. So while I doubt my interpretations were anywhere near Cunningham’s mind, I suspect strongly that Craven knew exactly what he was doing.
I have given one brief interpretation of Nightmare elsewhere, and there is no time now to give it its full due. Suffice to say, Freddy is not only a bad memory come to life, but he preys on victims who are already leading lives of, at best, thinly disguised disorder and lives beset with mistakes and sins, all of which are magnified in the pressure brought on by Freddy.
For example, Nancy’s mother is shown to have a drinking problem, which evidently is already a source of strain on her marriage (note the stiff greeting her and her husband exchange in their first scene together). As the situation grows worse and worse, so does her drinking, until finally her drunkenness contributes to the film’s most gruesome death. Similarly, first victim Tina has a neglectful mother who abandons her to go on a weekend trip with her piggish boyfriend, while Tina’s own boyfriend is a juvenile delinquent whose past makes him the chief suspect in Tina’s murder…and whose own death is therefore passed over without comment. Freddy is not just a bad memory returned to life, but he brings other bad memories with him. He is literally the past attacking the present.
Perhaps no film explores these themes better or more directly than Freddy vs. Jason, the long-awaited crossover of the two series, the finale for both of them, and one of the best films in either.
Interestingly, both Freddy and Jason are memories in this film for the audience as well as the characters. By the time it was released, Freddy hadn’t been on screen for nine years, while Jason had been absent for ten years, not counting Jason X the previous year, which holds the dubious-yet-impressive distinction of being possibly the stupidest film in the whole series. In the world of the film, Jason has been absent for an indeterminate amount of time (long enough for everyone to assume he’s dead), while Freddy has been absent for seven years, thanks to the extreme efforts of the Springwood authorities to defeat him the only way they can: by forgetting him.
The forgotten Freddy, however, has struck a plan to get around this by reviving Jason, the monster of remembrance, to force the people of Springwood to remember him. When Jason starts killing the local population, the authorities panic and assume it’s Freddy again…meaning that, very soon, it will be.
The plot of the film, therefore, rests on the tension of forgetting and remembering of the past. Its Final Girl, Lori, as has already been mentioned, is emotionally stunted by twin traumas in her past: her mother’s sudden death and the subsequent disappearance of her boyfriend. As the film goes on, she discovers partial truths about these events which push her even further into danger by directing her away from people who could have protected her (her father, the police) and causing her and her friends to try to take on Freddy and Jason themselves. In the end, though, she discovers the truth that Freddy was responsible for both of the tragedies by killing her mother, which her boyfriend witnessed, but misconstrued (possibly by Freddy’s intention) what he was seeing to be Lori’s father killing her, resulting in his sudden removal for fear that he has found out about Freddy (all the teens who knew about Freddy have been institutionalized to prevent them telling others about him). The unknown elements in her past, and the subsequent half-remembrances, lead her further and further into danger. It is only after she learns the whole truth that she is able to take charge…and to defeat Freddy once and for all, symbolically ending the past’s reign over her present.
In the meantime, though, Freddy has been having problems of his own. Having unleashed Jason to remind Springwood about himself, he never stopped to consider what might happen afterwards…or that, for someone who is literally a bad memory, releasing an engine of retribution might not be the best idea, since what is retribution if not a counterforce to bad memories? Jason, true to his nature, refuses to be shut down: he refuses to let Freddy forget about him either. As Freddy himself puts it, “HE JUST WONT STOP!”
In response, Freddy digs up horrors in Jason’s past: specifically, his death by drowning and his relationship with his mother. Freddy, therefore, attacks Jason with Jason’s own past. And it works, at least at first. The trouble is, Jason has things to remind Freddy about too. Freddy, in life, was child-murderer and Jason, it is shown, is a child at heart (a feral, deranged child, granted). When they next meet, it is on Jason’s terms…and he makes it abundantly clear that he remembers what Freddy did to him. Freddy has revived and then tormented an indestructible force of retribution, and now he finds it visiting his own sins upon himself. Jason the child-man rips Freddy the child-murderer to pieces and there is nothing Freddy, for all his power, can do about it. Retribution meets Memory.
In the end, though, they can’t kill each other. How can Memory defeat the force of Remembrance or Retribution destroy Memory? What can happen, and what does happen, however, is that Retribution contains Memory. The last shot of film is Jason emerging from the lake, as invulnerable as ever, with what’s left of Freddy firmly in his possession. The last shot of the last true Slasher film is of the personification of Bad Memories secure in the power of the force of Remembrance and Retribution, not forgotten, and with an implicit warning not to try to forget again, but faced and dealt with at last.
The Slasher movies were the rather repulsive expression of a society living under the shadow of its past deeds and uncertain about what exactly it had done. Their theme, essentially, is that the past is often frightening and rife with sins and mistakes, but trying to forget it or shove it aside can be a very dangerous thing, as it has ways of forcing you to remember it. The only way to deal with the past is to face it head on, no matter how horrific it might be. Only then can we move on and continue to live.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
MST3K – 303: Pod People
Here we have one of the most famous episodes of the series: Pod People. As Dr. F. says, it has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting.
The film was originally conceived as a straight-up monster movie, an Italian-French co-production. The problem came when “E.T.” came out right before production, and the producers, wanting to cash in on the massive success of that movie, forced the director to awkwardly shove in a subplot about a little boy befriending one of the monsters. The result is a movie that lurches between three or four plot lines and scyzophrenicly wavers between portraying the monsters as inhuman killing machines or misunderstood innocents. Meanwhile, the aliens look like ape suits with elephant masks attached (shades of “Robot Monster”), the little boy has some very odd mannerisms and is obviously dubbed by a woman, the teenage band members (obviously the original stars before the boy was written in) carefully explain why their leader’s girlfriend shouldn’t mind him sleeping with a groupie to further his own career, a couple of grouchy hunters add nothing whatsoever to the production, and the aliens display vast psychic powers but only kill people with karate chops.
Riffwise…well, it’s funny, to be sure, but it’s never been one of my favorites. The poor picture quality, lots of fog, soft, new-age music, and relatively small number of ‘laugh-out-loud’ moments makes this a bit of a chore to sit through. It took me three or four sessions to gather this review (although granted I had a lot of other work to do in the meantime). There are a number of very funny riffs on “Trumpy” (the alien befriended by the kid), but when he’s off screen the riffs die down a little. The end effect is more amusing than really funny to me.
The host segments are pretty strong, although nothing too memorable, but they’re amusing and don’t outstay their welcome. The episode also ends with a rather iconic song, ‘Clown in the Sky,’ which is even more bittersweet now that MST3k has gone forever from the airwaves.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Crow practices his one-man show, Robot on the Run as part their art show. Servo’s soliloquy is cut short when he can’t remember his line.
Invention Exchange: Joel has a new guitar chord for big finishes. It causes the guitar to explode. The Mads have the public-domain karaoke machine (which I could actually see working). Both inventions are more amusing than funny, though the blasted ‘bots are good.
Like “Cave Dwellers” and “Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster”, this movie’s credits play over footage of a different movie (in this case, Roger Corman’s “Galaxy of Terror”)
Crow (as a man prepares to hit the monster with a shovel): “I believe I’ll use my putter. Four!”
(the monster attacks a girl)
Joel: “This is the Swamp Thing versus the Sweet Thang.”
The film proper starts with a retreating star-field.
Servo: “Boldly backing away from where no man has gone before.”
And we cut to a really foggy forest where some grouchy poachers pull up.
Crow (on a hunter): “Hey, does he look dorky enough?”
Poachers poach some eggs…
Meanwhile, we cut back and forth with a comet heading towards earth.
Now we cut to a kid being awakened by his pet cat.
Kid: “Naughty kitty…”
Joel: “You must be punished.”
Then the lights flicker and the kid looks through his telescope to see a weird green pulsing.
Servo (as the kid): “Hm. What pretentious crap.”
Back to the poachers…
Kid…
Poachers…
One of poachers says he saw something crash, the others don’t believe him, he goes off to investigate by himself.
And Joel tries to push one of the poachers over!
Cut to a pink cave, which they identify as Yoda’s home…then as Crow’s sinuses…then as Smuckers Jelly.
Poacher investigates the cave, which is filled with big eggs.
Crow: “Now Mr. Science is going to show us the white blood cells.”
And he drops the egg, and decides to randomly start smashing up all the eggs.
Joel: “I guess we know which came first now, don’t we?”
He’s stopped by an advancing point-of-view shot…
Servo: “BAWK! BAWK! BAWK! CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!”
And the Poachers find the truck gone and realize they have to stay out there (since apparently they can’t find the truck about a hundred yards off).
Joel: “Are you comfortable sharing a sleeping bag with me?”
Cut to some deer…
Joel: “Bambi, humans are basically good…”
Cut to the poachers aiming at them.
Servo: “Oh, check that…”
Joel makes a few quips on the lead poacher’s blood lust.
Poacher: “I want to get the hell out of here!”
Servo: “I’m doing a one-man show: ‘Leslie Nielson, Leslie Nielson, Leslie Nielson.’”
Servo: “You know, even the movie ‘The Fog’ didn’t have this much fog.”
Cut to a helicopter shot of the hills with fog coming up…
Servo: “It’s Julie Andrews…and she’s on fire!”
Cut to the kid’s eyes peering through a microscope.
Crow: “Ah! It’s the cameraman, he’s looking through the wrong lens!”
Kid tries to get his mean, drunk uncle interested in his centipede.
Crow: “He’s a loving and giving caregiver.”
And we cut to a recording studio.
Servo: “Ah, finally, a movie for our generation: swinging.”
Singer: “Hold it! It’s stinks!”
Crow: “We agree.”
And back to the woods.
Crow: “We’re just as confused as you are, folks.”
Hunters watch the rangers leave…
And back to the studio, where the guys express their confusion over the mumbled lyrics.
Crow: “Lyrics by Mrs. Johnson’s Kindergarten Class.”
They dub it “Hideous Control Now!”
And some people watching assure us “he’s the best.” Sure.
The song just kind of ends and the band leader is mad about something.
Song leader (named Rick) starts chewing out his band.
Recorder: “You want to hear it again?”
All: “No, no!”
Everyone plans to head up to the mountains (has this ever turned out well for any fictional character?)
One of the sluttier girls decides to dump her boyfriend because he can’t take off work for the weekend. Huh?
First Host Segment: Hideous Control Now. They reenact the song scene with the lyrics as they understood them. It’s pretty amusing, especially Gypsy coming in late every time and the Mads acting as the recorders.
Back in the movie the kid wants to go out to find more “specimens” as he calls them, then we cut right back to the studio where Rick and his girlfriend are making up and making out.
Girl: “You think the weather’s going to hold?”
Servo: “No, just stop.”
Girl: “Not a soul for miles.”
Crow: “I’m not bringing mine.”
Turns out Rick is bringing the chick he’s cheating with, along with his girlfriend. He’s just sleeping with her to get a better chance at selling his records.
And his friends convince his girlfriend to stay with him and not mind being used.
Joel: “You see, cheating is hip!”
Crow: “Hey, try to be nice to your boyfriend’s girlfriend.”
And back to the kid, who’s wandering around the woods and finds the cave.
Crow: “Boy I hate Kenny!”
Joel: “This isn’t Kenny, we like this kid.”
And back to the band driving up to the mountains while another bad song plays.
Singer: “What should I do?”
Crow: “Retire.”
Crow: “Hey, look, we paid for the van, we’re gonna film it!”
Cut to the cave (with its red, foggy entrance)
Joel: “Oh, great we were saved by the Gates of Hell.”
Crow (on the kid): “What’s he gonna do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?”
The kid finds the smashed eggs.
Joel: “Wow. Specimen Jackpot!”
About this time they start doing a gag where they call out a list of names ending with “chief? McCloud!” It’s pretty amusing (and they do it a lot in this episode), but it’d be too much trouble to transcribe it, so I’ll just mention it here.
(the kid selects the only unsmashed egg)
Crow: “Oh, that’ll go nice in his mutant-alien-hell-beast-from-space collection.”
And the kid stumbles on the body of the dead hunter from earlier.
Cut back to the teens.
Rick and his chick go off into the woods, where she starts making out until his girlfriend catches them.
And back around the camp-fire, chick starts taunting girlfriend, who splashes water in her face (can’t blame her)
Crow: “Coffee?”
Chick runs off.
Guy: “Let her cool off.”
Crow: “Yeah, or get eaten by creatures.”
Servo: “Snap an ankle, die of exposure.”
And indeed, the chick runs into the poachers, who start chasing her for no reason.
(back around the campfire)
Crow: “And there on the handle was…you’re not listening!”
(back to poachers chasing chick)
Poacher 1: “She’s a lot faster than I thought.”
Poacher 2: “Yeah, well you’re a jerk.”
Servo: “Ooh, touché.”
And chick runs into one of the monsters, causing her to scream and run off a cliff.
Inexplicably, the others hear her (even though they didn’t hear her screaming when she ran into the poachers)
Girl: “What was that?”
Servo: “Sounded like Laura leaping to her death.”
They find her and carry her off.
Crow: “Yeah, quick, move her spine around a lot.”
Teens bring chick back to the van, try to think of what to do. Girlfriend blames herself, blah, blah, blah.
Cut to kid’s house.
Servo: “Meanwhile in ANOTHER movie. *sigh* Patience, gentle viewer, this will all make sense in the end. Not.”
Amusing bit where the kid examines the egg.
Kid talks to his pets, takes the egg to bed with him.
Joel: “Right, he’s trying to hatch the egg. What is he, Horton?”
Back to the teens.
Servo: “So, is this movie A?”
Joel: “Beats me.”
Servo: “Let’s see, the hunters are in movie A, the kid is in movie B…”
Crow: “This must be movie C.”
Teens knock on the door to the kid’s cabin, kid’s mean uncle rebuffs them (he says something about ‘this time of night’ despite the fact that it’s clearly afternoon. They don’t even tint the screen dark at all!)
Mother comes and lets them in.
They just toss her onto the bed!
Mother: “With a good night’s rest she’ll be as right as rain.”
Joel: “Yeah, that’s what cures a crushed spine.”
Kid finds the egg has hatched (in his bed. Ew).
Second Host Segment: Joel sets up a wall of keyboards to make new-age music: Music from Some Guys in Space. Mostly it’s a chance to mock New-Age Music. It’s kind of amusing and doesn’t go on for too long (Crow’s sandwich is probably the best part).
In the movie we rejoin the poachers, who are camped out around a fire.
Lead Poacher: “Haven’t you screwed things up enough already?”
Crow: “Well, he did write the script…”
And the monster makes its appearance. It looks like a monkey-costume with an elephant’s head attached.
Poacher: “It looks like a cross between a pig and a bear…”
Crow: “A pear?”
The poachers decide to capture it (deducing on no evidence whatsoever that it’s harmless).
Poacher (to the monster): “You must be hungry. Have some.”
Crow: “It’s one of you, only gamier.”
Lead hunter jumps monster with a net, get’s kacked. Other hunter shoots it with a dart, which the monster just knocks off.
Crow: “Hey, that nose must be handy in hard-to-reach areas.”
Back to the kid.
Joel: “Hey, what gives? I’m on the milk-carton.”
The kid is feeding “Trumpy” as he calls him.
Kid: “You know what playing is, Trumpy?”
Crow: “Yes. It’s where I break you in half.”
Incidentally, Crow comes up with the funniest voice for Trumpy.
Cut away again.
Servo: “Meanwhile, in movie C.”
Crow: “I think this is movie D. D for dumb.”
Now we just cut back to kid and Trumpy, who is fully grown already and apparently eating the kid out of house and home.
Girl wakes up.
Servo: “Oh, what a nightmare. I dreamt I was a crappy actress in a horrible monster…film…hey, wait a minute!”
The girl notices something odd about the chick…
Servo: “Uh, hello, remember us, the audience? Can we see what it is, please?”
Mother shoos the kids out of the room (the chick is dead, by the way).
Crow: “Come on, breakfast is getting cold and she’s not getting any warmer.”
Now we get Crow’s famous “Potato Soliloquy,” which I would only spoil if I attempt to transcribe it. It’s one of the best bits they ever did.
Kid (to Trumpy): “Nobody must see you!”
Servo: “He doesn’t speak your language, dick-weed.”
Kid: “If you want to stay with me, you must do what I tell you.”
Crow: “I don’t think so.”
Trumpy vacuums up some peanuts.
Crow: “Oh, little potatoes.”
Kid: “These we’ll put away for later.”
Crow: “No! More!”
Kid: “Now we can play.”
Crow: “Like Hell! More food!”
Kid: “What do you know Trumpy?”
Crow: “Food! Eating! The Theater!”
Kid (showing Trumpy a jigsaw puzzle): “You see? The pieces fit together.”
Joel: “Oh, if only this film were so lucky.”
Back downstairs with the teens, one of whom is about to try going to radio for help with mean uncle.
And upstairs with kid and Trumpy.
Kid: “Do you have a mommy?”
Crow: “He was born of an omelet! Of course not!”
Trumpy makes the kid’s telescope view Africa for no real reason.
Kid: “You can do magic things!”
Crow: “It’s called ‘Evil,’ kid.”
And we get a completely random scene where Trumpy starts making the kid’s toys fly around the room and stuff.
Servo (as mother): “Tommy you stop warping time and space this instant.”
And we cut to teen and uncle on their way to a radio in the ranger’s cabin.
Servo: “Meanwhile in a winter movie somewhere.”
Joel: “Gosh, that last scene was goofy, I’m glad we weren’t in it.”
And back to the house with the teens, one of whom decides to try the T.V.
Girlfriend: “How can you kid around like this?”
Girl: “Because if I didn’t I’d be in hysterics…it doesn’t work.”
Joel: “I’m in hysterics!”
Kid goes back in his room to look for Trumpy, checks in his closet and…
Joel: “*SSSSSSSSSSLUURP*!”
Servo: “Face it, kid, Trumpy never loved you.”
Kid (to his cat): “Have you seen Trumpy?”
Joel (as cat): “He tried to eat me! He’s evil!”
Joel: “This is like the house of a million foyers.”
And back to the teen and uncle (and it’s no longer winter for some reason).
They approach cautiously, since no one’s home. The radio doesn’t work (of course). And they find the other poacher, dead.
Then they run into the monster, who kills the teen (mean uncle is attacked in his car, but we see he’ll get away).
Slutty girl helps mother cook and complains about how guys don’t want to sleep with her, then makes designs on the rangers if they show up.
Meanwhile, the kid keeps searching for Trumpy, who’s wandered off.
Joel: “Trumpy, bring me the girl! I desire to be read to.”
(kid looks for Trumpy with his telescope)
Joel: “Now Trumpy and I will do my version of ‘Rear Window’”
Slutty girl gets attacked by monster in the trailer.
Servo: “I think she found Trumpy.”
And the kid sees it all.
Servo: “When good pets do bad things!”
Uncle arrives back home and takes a few pot-shots at the monster.
Uncle: “It’s that damned animal!”
Rick: “What animal?”
Crow: “The damned one!”
Servo (as kid): “Faster Trumpy, kill, kill!”
Third Host Segment: They reenact the goofy “magic Trumpy” scene, with the bots as Trumpy. The ‘Mads look on in disbelief. It’s pretty funny, and we get a better look at the SOL set.
Rick (to mother): “I’m getting out of here, and if I were you I’d take the kid and leave.”
Servo: “Kid, what kid…oh, my God!”
Meanwhile the kid is wandering the woods looking for Trumpy (after he thinks he just saw Trumpy killing someone).
Random scene where Rick and uncle have an alpha-male battle which culminates in Rick blasting one of uncle’s liquor bottles.
And the kid arrives back at the house.
Servo: “You know, I’m starting not to believe this movie. I believed it when Alf went on a killing spree, but this…”
Kid finds Trumpy in his room. Trumpy claims he didn’t kill anyone.
Kid: “Uncle Bill wants to kill you.”
Joel: “My advice? Don’t let him!”
Kid: “What can we do?”
Servo: “You can put on a play in the backyard. Trumpy could be Cyrano!”
The kid decides that he and Trumpy will go hide in the woods.
Back to Rick and uncle. Uncle offers him a drink.
Crow: “Mint Julep?”
Servo: “*urp* No thanks, I’ve had twelve.”
Cut to girl in the shower.
Joel (singing): “Hmm, hmm, I’m in the shower, nothing will happen to me…”
Kid dressed Trumpy up in a parka.
Servo: “There, now you look like Admiral Perry playing the Elephant Man.”
Girl in shower attacked and killed by monster.
Servo: “She’s zestfully dead.”
Joel (as teens): “You know, this may sound crass, but we’re getting good at this.”
Crow (as Trumpy): “You’re my alibi, kid.”
Kid insists that the monster wants to be our friend (he’s channeling Kenny here).
Rick and uncle go out to hunt monster.
Trumpy wanders into the room, and the mother and girlfriend run…right past him instead of away from him.
Joel (as kid): “What’s he’s done is good.”
And now they’re all out in the woods, packing, and looking for the monster in the fog.
Kid: “We must go faster.”
Crow: “Yeah, yeah, keep your shirt on! I’m wearing a big stuffed shirt!”
And kid runs into monster, immediately forgetting his assertion that the monsters want to be friends.
Servo: “I’m gonna batter-fry you, kid!”
Kid: “Mommy! Trumpy!”
Servo: “Kid, you were set up.”
Joel: “This is more intense than when Brad Brady got lost in the Grand Canyon.”
Trumpy shows up to vouch for the kid.
Kid: “I just want to help you.”
Joel: “I conspire against my own.”
Uncle gets killed by monster, monster gets killed by Rick.
Crow: “Time to take the mask off and see who it is. Do you folks at home know?”
Mom and girlfriend run through the woods, Mom trips.
Crow: “Oh, my ankle! It’s all bendy-wendy!”
The monster self-buries.
Then kid and Trumpy have a tearful good-bye…
Kid: “I’ll never forget you, Trumpy.”
Servo: “The way you callously knocked-off fifteen people. I’ll never forget that. Don’t ever change, Trumpy.”
Then the kid switches to yelling at Trumpy and telling him he hates him.
Joel: “Oh, that kid’s really having mood-swings.”
And Trumpy is left alone in the woods.
Crow: “I’ll…just…wait here then.”
Then Trumpy wanders off.
Crow: “I’m outta here, this place sucks.”
And we get the credits again with “Galaxy of Terror” footage.
Final Host Segment: “Clown in the Sky.” This is a rather iconic song for them, very well sung by Joel. It’s actually pretty touching, in a funny way. Oddly, it opens with Joel tearing Crow apart, he doesn’t seem to mind much.
Stinger: “It Stinks.” Perfect, that’s all.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. Gamera
7. First Spaceship to Venus
8. Rocketship XM
9. Moon Zero Two
10. Godzilla vs. Megalon
11. The Crawling Hand
12. Catalina Caper
13. King Dinosaur
14. Jungle Goddess
15. Wild Rebels
16. The Corpse Vanishes
17. Ring of Terror
18. Untamed Youth
19. The Slime People
20. Project Moonbase
21. The Sidehackers
22. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
23. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
24. Cave Dwellers
25. Pod People
26. Hellcats
27. Rocket Attack USA
28. Robot Holocaust
29. Robot Monster
Conclusion: An iconic episode that is rather decent than great in my eyes.
Final Rating: 6/10.
The film was originally conceived as a straight-up monster movie, an Italian-French co-production. The problem came when “E.T.” came out right before production, and the producers, wanting to cash in on the massive success of that movie, forced the director to awkwardly shove in a subplot about a little boy befriending one of the monsters. The result is a movie that lurches between three or four plot lines and scyzophrenicly wavers between portraying the monsters as inhuman killing machines or misunderstood innocents. Meanwhile, the aliens look like ape suits with elephant masks attached (shades of “Robot Monster”), the little boy has some very odd mannerisms and is obviously dubbed by a woman, the teenage band members (obviously the original stars before the boy was written in) carefully explain why their leader’s girlfriend shouldn’t mind him sleeping with a groupie to further his own career, a couple of grouchy hunters add nothing whatsoever to the production, and the aliens display vast psychic powers but only kill people with karate chops.
Riffwise…well, it’s funny, to be sure, but it’s never been one of my favorites. The poor picture quality, lots of fog, soft, new-age music, and relatively small number of ‘laugh-out-loud’ moments makes this a bit of a chore to sit through. It took me three or four sessions to gather this review (although granted I had a lot of other work to do in the meantime). There are a number of very funny riffs on “Trumpy” (the alien befriended by the kid), but when he’s off screen the riffs die down a little. The end effect is more amusing than really funny to me.
The host segments are pretty strong, although nothing too memorable, but they’re amusing and don’t outstay their welcome. The episode also ends with a rather iconic song, ‘Clown in the Sky,’ which is even more bittersweet now that MST3k has gone forever from the airwaves.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Crow practices his one-man show, Robot on the Run as part their art show. Servo’s soliloquy is cut short when he can’t remember his line.
Invention Exchange: Joel has a new guitar chord for big finishes. It causes the guitar to explode. The Mads have the public-domain karaoke machine (which I could actually see working). Both inventions are more amusing than funny, though the blasted ‘bots are good.
Like “Cave Dwellers” and “Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster”, this movie’s credits play over footage of a different movie (in this case, Roger Corman’s “Galaxy of Terror”)
Crow (as a man prepares to hit the monster with a shovel): “I believe I’ll use my putter. Four!”
(the monster attacks a girl)
Joel: “This is the Swamp Thing versus the Sweet Thang.”
The film proper starts with a retreating star-field.
Servo: “Boldly backing away from where no man has gone before.”
And we cut to a really foggy forest where some grouchy poachers pull up.
Crow (on a hunter): “Hey, does he look dorky enough?”
Poachers poach some eggs…
Meanwhile, we cut back and forth with a comet heading towards earth.
Now we cut to a kid being awakened by his pet cat.
Kid: “Naughty kitty…”
Joel: “You must be punished.”
Then the lights flicker and the kid looks through his telescope to see a weird green pulsing.
Servo (as the kid): “Hm. What pretentious crap.”
Back to the poachers…
Kid…
Poachers…
One of poachers says he saw something crash, the others don’t believe him, he goes off to investigate by himself.
And Joel tries to push one of the poachers over!
Cut to a pink cave, which they identify as Yoda’s home…then as Crow’s sinuses…then as Smuckers Jelly.
Poacher investigates the cave, which is filled with big eggs.
Crow: “Now Mr. Science is going to show us the white blood cells.”
And he drops the egg, and decides to randomly start smashing up all the eggs.
Joel: “I guess we know which came first now, don’t we?”
He’s stopped by an advancing point-of-view shot…
Servo: “BAWK! BAWK! BAWK! CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!”
And the Poachers find the truck gone and realize they have to stay out there (since apparently they can’t find the truck about a hundred yards off).
Joel: “Are you comfortable sharing a sleeping bag with me?”
Cut to some deer…
Joel: “Bambi, humans are basically good…”
Cut to the poachers aiming at them.
Servo: “Oh, check that…”
Joel makes a few quips on the lead poacher’s blood lust.
Poacher: “I want to get the hell out of here!”
Servo: “I’m doing a one-man show: ‘Leslie Nielson, Leslie Nielson, Leslie Nielson.’”
Servo: “You know, even the movie ‘The Fog’ didn’t have this much fog.”
Cut to a helicopter shot of the hills with fog coming up…
Servo: “It’s Julie Andrews…and she’s on fire!”
Cut to the kid’s eyes peering through a microscope.
Crow: “Ah! It’s the cameraman, he’s looking through the wrong lens!”
Kid tries to get his mean, drunk uncle interested in his centipede.
Crow: “He’s a loving and giving caregiver.”
And we cut to a recording studio.
Servo: “Ah, finally, a movie for our generation: swinging.”
Singer: “Hold it! It’s stinks!”
Crow: “We agree.”
And back to the woods.
Crow: “We’re just as confused as you are, folks.”
Hunters watch the rangers leave…
And back to the studio, where the guys express their confusion over the mumbled lyrics.
Crow: “Lyrics by Mrs. Johnson’s Kindergarten Class.”
They dub it “Hideous Control Now!”
And some people watching assure us “he’s the best.” Sure.
The song just kind of ends and the band leader is mad about something.
Song leader (named Rick) starts chewing out his band.
Recorder: “You want to hear it again?”
All: “No, no!”
Everyone plans to head up to the mountains (has this ever turned out well for any fictional character?)
One of the sluttier girls decides to dump her boyfriend because he can’t take off work for the weekend. Huh?
First Host Segment: Hideous Control Now. They reenact the song scene with the lyrics as they understood them. It’s pretty amusing, especially Gypsy coming in late every time and the Mads acting as the recorders.
Back in the movie the kid wants to go out to find more “specimens” as he calls them, then we cut right back to the studio where Rick and his girlfriend are making up and making out.
Girl: “You think the weather’s going to hold?”
Servo: “No, just stop.”
Girl: “Not a soul for miles.”
Crow: “I’m not bringing mine.”
Turns out Rick is bringing the chick he’s cheating with, along with his girlfriend. He’s just sleeping with her to get a better chance at selling his records.
And his friends convince his girlfriend to stay with him and not mind being used.
Joel: “You see, cheating is hip!”
Crow: “Hey, try to be nice to your boyfriend’s girlfriend.”
And back to the kid, who’s wandering around the woods and finds the cave.
Crow: “Boy I hate Kenny!”
Joel: “This isn’t Kenny, we like this kid.”
And back to the band driving up to the mountains while another bad song plays.
Singer: “What should I do?”
Crow: “Retire.”
Crow: “Hey, look, we paid for the van, we’re gonna film it!”
Cut to the cave (with its red, foggy entrance)
Joel: “Oh, great we were saved by the Gates of Hell.”
Crow (on the kid): “What’s he gonna do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?”
The kid finds the smashed eggs.
Joel: “Wow. Specimen Jackpot!”
About this time they start doing a gag where they call out a list of names ending with “chief? McCloud!” It’s pretty amusing (and they do it a lot in this episode), but it’d be too much trouble to transcribe it, so I’ll just mention it here.
(the kid selects the only unsmashed egg)
Crow: “Oh, that’ll go nice in his mutant-alien-hell-beast-from-space collection.”
And the kid stumbles on the body of the dead hunter from earlier.
Cut back to the teens.
Rick and his chick go off into the woods, where she starts making out until his girlfriend catches them.
And back around the camp-fire, chick starts taunting girlfriend, who splashes water in her face (can’t blame her)
Crow: “Coffee?”
Chick runs off.
Guy: “Let her cool off.”
Crow: “Yeah, or get eaten by creatures.”
Servo: “Snap an ankle, die of exposure.”
And indeed, the chick runs into the poachers, who start chasing her for no reason.
(back around the campfire)
Crow: “And there on the handle was…you’re not listening!”
(back to poachers chasing chick)
Poacher 1: “She’s a lot faster than I thought.”
Poacher 2: “Yeah, well you’re a jerk.”
Servo: “Ooh, touché.”
And chick runs into one of the monsters, causing her to scream and run off a cliff.
Inexplicably, the others hear her (even though they didn’t hear her screaming when she ran into the poachers)
Girl: “What was that?”
Servo: “Sounded like Laura leaping to her death.”
They find her and carry her off.
Crow: “Yeah, quick, move her spine around a lot.”
Teens bring chick back to the van, try to think of what to do. Girlfriend blames herself, blah, blah, blah.
Cut to kid’s house.
Servo: “Meanwhile in ANOTHER movie. *sigh* Patience, gentle viewer, this will all make sense in the end. Not.”
Amusing bit where the kid examines the egg.
Kid talks to his pets, takes the egg to bed with him.
Joel: “Right, he’s trying to hatch the egg. What is he, Horton?”
Back to the teens.
Servo: “So, is this movie A?”
Joel: “Beats me.”
Servo: “Let’s see, the hunters are in movie A, the kid is in movie B…”
Crow: “This must be movie C.”
Teens knock on the door to the kid’s cabin, kid’s mean uncle rebuffs them (he says something about ‘this time of night’ despite the fact that it’s clearly afternoon. They don’t even tint the screen dark at all!)
Mother comes and lets them in.
They just toss her onto the bed!
Mother: “With a good night’s rest she’ll be as right as rain.”
Joel: “Yeah, that’s what cures a crushed spine.”
Kid finds the egg has hatched (in his bed. Ew).
Second Host Segment: Joel sets up a wall of keyboards to make new-age music: Music from Some Guys in Space. Mostly it’s a chance to mock New-Age Music. It’s kind of amusing and doesn’t go on for too long (Crow’s sandwich is probably the best part).
In the movie we rejoin the poachers, who are camped out around a fire.
Lead Poacher: “Haven’t you screwed things up enough already?”
Crow: “Well, he did write the script…”
And the monster makes its appearance. It looks like a monkey-costume with an elephant’s head attached.
Poacher: “It looks like a cross between a pig and a bear…”
Crow: “A pear?”
The poachers decide to capture it (deducing on no evidence whatsoever that it’s harmless).
Poacher (to the monster): “You must be hungry. Have some.”
Crow: “It’s one of you, only gamier.”
Lead hunter jumps monster with a net, get’s kacked. Other hunter shoots it with a dart, which the monster just knocks off.
Crow: “Hey, that nose must be handy in hard-to-reach areas.”
Back to the kid.
Joel: “Hey, what gives? I’m on the milk-carton.”
The kid is feeding “Trumpy” as he calls him.
Kid: “You know what playing is, Trumpy?”
Crow: “Yes. It’s where I break you in half.”
Incidentally, Crow comes up with the funniest voice for Trumpy.
Cut away again.
Servo: “Meanwhile, in movie C.”
Crow: “I think this is movie D. D for dumb.”
Now we just cut back to kid and Trumpy, who is fully grown already and apparently eating the kid out of house and home.
Girl wakes up.
Servo: “Oh, what a nightmare. I dreamt I was a crappy actress in a horrible monster…film…hey, wait a minute!”
The girl notices something odd about the chick…
Servo: “Uh, hello, remember us, the audience? Can we see what it is, please?”
Mother shoos the kids out of the room (the chick is dead, by the way).
Crow: “Come on, breakfast is getting cold and she’s not getting any warmer.”
Now we get Crow’s famous “Potato Soliloquy,” which I would only spoil if I attempt to transcribe it. It’s one of the best bits they ever did.
Kid (to Trumpy): “Nobody must see you!”
Servo: “He doesn’t speak your language, dick-weed.”
Kid: “If you want to stay with me, you must do what I tell you.”
Crow: “I don’t think so.”
Trumpy vacuums up some peanuts.
Crow: “Oh, little potatoes.”
Kid: “These we’ll put away for later.”
Crow: “No! More!”
Kid: “Now we can play.”
Crow: “Like Hell! More food!”
Kid: “What do you know Trumpy?”
Crow: “Food! Eating! The Theater!”
Kid (showing Trumpy a jigsaw puzzle): “You see? The pieces fit together.”
Joel: “Oh, if only this film were so lucky.”
Back downstairs with the teens, one of whom is about to try going to radio for help with mean uncle.
And upstairs with kid and Trumpy.
Kid: “Do you have a mommy?”
Crow: “He was born of an omelet! Of course not!”
Trumpy makes the kid’s telescope view Africa for no real reason.
Kid: “You can do magic things!”
Crow: “It’s called ‘Evil,’ kid.”
And we get a completely random scene where Trumpy starts making the kid’s toys fly around the room and stuff.
Servo (as mother): “Tommy you stop warping time and space this instant.”
And we cut to teen and uncle on their way to a radio in the ranger’s cabin.
Servo: “Meanwhile in a winter movie somewhere.”
Joel: “Gosh, that last scene was goofy, I’m glad we weren’t in it.”
And back to the house with the teens, one of whom decides to try the T.V.
Girlfriend: “How can you kid around like this?”
Girl: “Because if I didn’t I’d be in hysterics…it doesn’t work.”
Joel: “I’m in hysterics!”
Kid goes back in his room to look for Trumpy, checks in his closet and…
Joel: “*SSSSSSSSSSLUURP*!”
Servo: “Face it, kid, Trumpy never loved you.”
Kid (to his cat): “Have you seen Trumpy?”
Joel (as cat): “He tried to eat me! He’s evil!”
Joel: “This is like the house of a million foyers.”
And back to the teen and uncle (and it’s no longer winter for some reason).
They approach cautiously, since no one’s home. The radio doesn’t work (of course). And they find the other poacher, dead.
Then they run into the monster, who kills the teen (mean uncle is attacked in his car, but we see he’ll get away).
Slutty girl helps mother cook and complains about how guys don’t want to sleep with her, then makes designs on the rangers if they show up.
Meanwhile, the kid keeps searching for Trumpy, who’s wandered off.
Joel: “Trumpy, bring me the girl! I desire to be read to.”
(kid looks for Trumpy with his telescope)
Joel: “Now Trumpy and I will do my version of ‘Rear Window’”
Slutty girl gets attacked by monster in the trailer.
Servo: “I think she found Trumpy.”
And the kid sees it all.
Servo: “When good pets do bad things!”
Uncle arrives back home and takes a few pot-shots at the monster.
Uncle: “It’s that damned animal!”
Rick: “What animal?”
Crow: “The damned one!”
Servo (as kid): “Faster Trumpy, kill, kill!”
Third Host Segment: They reenact the goofy “magic Trumpy” scene, with the bots as Trumpy. The ‘Mads look on in disbelief. It’s pretty funny, and we get a better look at the SOL set.
Rick (to mother): “I’m getting out of here, and if I were you I’d take the kid and leave.”
Servo: “Kid, what kid…oh, my God!”
Meanwhile the kid is wandering the woods looking for Trumpy (after he thinks he just saw Trumpy killing someone).
Random scene where Rick and uncle have an alpha-male battle which culminates in Rick blasting one of uncle’s liquor bottles.
And the kid arrives back at the house.
Servo: “You know, I’m starting not to believe this movie. I believed it when Alf went on a killing spree, but this…”
Kid finds Trumpy in his room. Trumpy claims he didn’t kill anyone.
Kid: “Uncle Bill wants to kill you.”
Joel: “My advice? Don’t let him!”
Kid: “What can we do?”
Servo: “You can put on a play in the backyard. Trumpy could be Cyrano!”
The kid decides that he and Trumpy will go hide in the woods.
Back to Rick and uncle. Uncle offers him a drink.
Crow: “Mint Julep?”
Servo: “*urp* No thanks, I’ve had twelve.”
Cut to girl in the shower.
Joel (singing): “Hmm, hmm, I’m in the shower, nothing will happen to me…”
Kid dressed Trumpy up in a parka.
Servo: “There, now you look like Admiral Perry playing the Elephant Man.”
Girl in shower attacked and killed by monster.
Servo: “She’s zestfully dead.”
Joel (as teens): “You know, this may sound crass, but we’re getting good at this.”
Crow (as Trumpy): “You’re my alibi, kid.”
Kid insists that the monster wants to be our friend (he’s channeling Kenny here).
Rick and uncle go out to hunt monster.
Trumpy wanders into the room, and the mother and girlfriend run…right past him instead of away from him.
Joel (as kid): “What’s he’s done is good.”
And now they’re all out in the woods, packing, and looking for the monster in the fog.
Kid: “We must go faster.”
Crow: “Yeah, yeah, keep your shirt on! I’m wearing a big stuffed shirt!”
And kid runs into monster, immediately forgetting his assertion that the monsters want to be friends.
Servo: “I’m gonna batter-fry you, kid!”
Kid: “Mommy! Trumpy!”
Servo: “Kid, you were set up.”
Joel: “This is more intense than when Brad Brady got lost in the Grand Canyon.”
Trumpy shows up to vouch for the kid.
Kid: “I just want to help you.”
Joel: “I conspire against my own.”
Uncle gets killed by monster, monster gets killed by Rick.
Crow: “Time to take the mask off and see who it is. Do you folks at home know?”
Mom and girlfriend run through the woods, Mom trips.
Crow: “Oh, my ankle! It’s all bendy-wendy!”
The monster self-buries.
Then kid and Trumpy have a tearful good-bye…
Kid: “I’ll never forget you, Trumpy.”
Servo: “The way you callously knocked-off fifteen people. I’ll never forget that. Don’t ever change, Trumpy.”
Then the kid switches to yelling at Trumpy and telling him he hates him.
Joel: “Oh, that kid’s really having mood-swings.”
And Trumpy is left alone in the woods.
Crow: “I’ll…just…wait here then.”
Then Trumpy wanders off.
Crow: “I’m outta here, this place sucks.”
And we get the credits again with “Galaxy of Terror” footage.
Final Host Segment: “Clown in the Sky.” This is a rather iconic song for them, very well sung by Joel. It’s actually pretty touching, in a funny way. Oddly, it opens with Joel tearing Crow apart, he doesn’t seem to mind much.
Stinger: “It Stinks.” Perfect, that’s all.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. Gamera
7. First Spaceship to Venus
8. Rocketship XM
9. Moon Zero Two
10. Godzilla vs. Megalon
11. The Crawling Hand
12. Catalina Caper
13. King Dinosaur
14. Jungle Goddess
15. Wild Rebels
16. The Corpse Vanishes
17. Ring of Terror
18. Untamed Youth
19. The Slime People
20. Project Moonbase
21. The Sidehackers
22. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
23. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
24. Cave Dwellers
25. Pod People
26. Hellcats
27. Rocket Attack USA
28. Robot Holocaust
29. Robot Monster
Conclusion: An iconic episode that is rather decent than great in my eyes.
Final Rating: 6/10.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Big Bad Tor
(This is a little tribute I wrote about a year ago to wrestler/actor Tor Johnson. Sung to the tune of "Big Bad John")
Big Tor
Big Tor
He stood solid and he walked with a powerful stride,
Stood six-foot-three, weighed three-eighty-five
He was broad at the shoulder and broader at the hip
And everybody knew you couldn’t give the slip to big Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Everybody knew Tor from the Matinee show
From scary old pictures where the kids used to go
He was gentle and sweet but don’t push him too far
If he spoke at all he’d just say ‘RAR!’ Big Tor.
He’d worked for mad doctors on the drive-in screen
Till his heart would go soft for a screamin’ queen
With a crashing blow and a wrestler’s squeeze
He’d bring many a hero down to his knees. Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Now most of his pictures weren’t all that good
They were by Colman Francis and old Ed Wood
But knees were quaking and hearts beat quick
Everyone knew it was gonna be slick with Big Tor
Through the lights and the smoke of science-born hell
Walked a giant of a man that the kids knew well.
With his big, bald head and his whispery yell
Many men fought him, and many men fell to Big Tor.
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
And with all his strength he did his best
To show kids things they’d not forget
With Rathbone, Lugosi, and Carradine
He made his mark on the silver screen, Big Tor
Well, he quit doing movies as he got to the end
Everybody who knew him called him a friend
He’d been in the films since ‘thirty-four
And he’ll be remembered forever more, as Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Now he passed away some years ago,
And everyone was sorry to see him go
But the films keep playin’ and as long as they’re lit
Nobody will ever forget that Big, Big Man. Big Tor.
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
He stood solid and he walked with a powerful stride,
Stood six-foot-three, weighed three-eighty-five
He was broad at the shoulder and broader at the hip
And everybody knew you couldn’t give the slip to big Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Everybody knew Tor from the Matinee show
From scary old pictures where the kids used to go
He was gentle and sweet but don’t push him too far
If he spoke at all he’d just say ‘RAR!’ Big Tor.
He’d worked for mad doctors on the drive-in screen
Till his heart would go soft for a screamin’ queen
With a crashing blow and a wrestler’s squeeze
He’d bring many a hero down to his knees. Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Now most of his pictures weren’t all that good
They were by Colman Francis and old Ed Wood
But knees were quaking and hearts beat quick
Everyone knew it was gonna be slick with Big Tor
Through the lights and the smoke of science-born hell
Walked a giant of a man that the kids knew well.
With his big, bald head and his whispery yell
Many men fought him, and many men fell to Big Tor.
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
And with all his strength he did his best
To show kids things they’d not forget
With Rathbone, Lugosi, and Carradine
He made his mark on the silver screen, Big Tor
Well, he quit doing movies as he got to the end
Everybody who knew him called him a friend
He’d been in the films since ‘thirty-four
And he’ll be remembered forever more, as Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Now he passed away some years ago,
And everyone was sorry to see him go
But the films keep playin’ and as long as they’re lit
Nobody will ever forget that Big, Big Man. Big Tor.
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Mst3k–302: Gamera
And so, after another incredibly long delay, the MST3k Project is officially back on the air!
Here begins what will be a pattern in Season three of roughly every other film being a Japanese Sci-fi flick. This will prove a rich, fertile field for the Brains, for Japanese Sci-Fi Movies are some of the most bizarre films that mankind has ever committed to celluloid. And that’s not even considering the Japanese Special Effects style (which calls to mind the nursery rhyme: When it is good, it’s very, very good, but when it’s bad, it’s horrid) or the half-hearted dubbing, usually with some rather odd accents and dialogue as they attempt to match the Japanese lip movements.
This is the first of the Gamera film series, which can probably be best described as the poor-man’s Godzilla. I know some Gamera fans have objected to that description, but it really is very apt. The Gamera films can certainly be enjoyable, but watching them tends to make the viewer realize how much better the contemporary Godzilla movies are.
For instance, the same year “Gamera” came out Toho released “Invasion of Astro Monster,” completing the trilogy that arguably represents the high-point of the early Godzilla series (not counting the original, of course). As part of the plot of that film, the Xian Aliens request that Godzilla and Rodan be sent to Planet X to defeat King Ghidorah, as they did on Earth in the previous film. The humans object that, even if they knew where the monsters were, it would be impossible for them to capture them and bring them there. The Xians assure them that they will handle that. Now compare that to the end of “Gamera,” where the humans defeat the giant turtle by shutting him in a giant rocket and shooting him off to Mars. As out-there as the Godzilla movies could be, they tended to maintain at least a tenuous connection with reality; a connection the Gamera series throws off like a suicidal bungee-jumper.
Well, anyway, the first Gamera movie shows how Gamera was awakened by a nuclear bomb accidentally detonated in the arctic, releasing him from his icy prison. His revival is witnessed by Dr. Hidaka, his daughter, Katherine, and a reporter named Alex, who is rather creepily obsessed with Katherine. Gamera’s first move is to destroy their ship, killing everyone on board (in a pathetic attempt to mirror the shipping disasters that open “Godzilla”). We then meet far and away the most frightening thing in this film: Kenny. This little brat is obsessed with turtles and as soon as he sees Gamera he becomes almost religiously devoted to him. Listening to Kenny is like reading the parts of a Tom Clancy novel written from the terrorists’ perspective. Honestly, this kid is really disturbing in the way he keeps insisting that Gamera is ‘good and gentle’ even while the monster is laying waste to Tokyo.
So, Gamera arrives in Japan, lays waste to the country for a while in his search for flames to eat (apparently Japan is the only nation that produces flames, since Gamera flies around the world several times but only ever attacks Japan. Oh, did I mention he can fly? Because he can). Kenny does everything he can to sabotage the efforts to stop Gamera, yet Hidaka and everyone still treat him with parental kindness rather than committing him (and there are some rather disturbing hints that Kenny is actually directing Gamera’s attacks somehow). Eventually a really contrived ending takes place, where Gamera is, indeed, locked in a giant rocket (seriously, that thing must be a mile tall at least) and shot into space (this was “Z Plan:” apparently something they had been working on long before Gamera showed up. No word on why exactly they made such a huge rocket in the first place).
So, yeah, the film is pretty bad. But it’s a friendly, fun kind of bad. Joel himself notes that it’s not such a bad movie. Gamera is a pretty cool monster, with his huge tusks and ability to shoot into the air like a flying saucer. If it weren’t for Kenny the film would be a pretty painless experience. As it is…well, at least Kenny doesn’t have as much screen time as some of his future cinematic brothers would.
The episode is very funny, with Joel and the ‘bots in top form throughout, riffing on the poor effects, Kenny’s creepiness, the odd voices, and so on. The host segments are all pretty strong too, each expertly spoofing the movie. So, a goofy-Japanese sci-fi flick, strong riffing, and strong host segments make this an all around excellent episode.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel and the bots are warming up under Tom’s direction. It’s pretty amusing, and actually appropriate as they are warming up their voices; the kind of things actors do before performing.
Invention Exchange: Joel has an endless salad. It’s really endless. (Also a great bit where Crow tricks Tom into a ‘trust exercise’). Frank has invented a vacuum cleaner for cleaning bird cages. It sucks up the whole cage, bird and all. A very amusing sketch all around.
The credits open over close-up footage of the ocean.
Servo: “Water! The source of all life!”
Our first acquaintance with Sandy Frank, who will turn out to have one of the more painful relations with the Brains.
Servo: “Titles by the Atlantic Ocean.”
Cut to bombers in flight.
Servo: “Oh, death from on high. Neat.”
Crow: “Micro Machines at five-o’clock! And GI Joe is there!”
Reporter: “It looks wild!”
Girl: “You can say that again.”
All: “It looks wild!”
Crow (on a dog in the background): “Ruff. Arf.”
Anyway, three characters meet with some Eskimos and then notice the bombers overhead.
Sailor: “Do you think Dr. Hidaka will learn anything from the Eskimos?”
Servo: “Oh, get real!”
Cut to an American base hearing about the bombers.
Crow: “Americans? What are they doing in the film?”
General: “Have you spotted anything on your radar screen?”
Really bad actor: “No sir. It must coated with anti…electric wave paint sir.”
Joel: “Cut! Cut! Let’s do that again!”
Servo: “Hey, it’s Curly Joe as the General.”
Sailor: “Captain, will they attack us?”
Captain: “I doubt it.”
Joel: “They’re models.”
Some American planes chase the mysterious bombers.
(Bomber fires a missile out its rear)
Joel: “Uh, you lost your muffler.”
(American planes shoot down bombers)
Servo: “And that’s just a warning.”
Girl: “It looks like that air plane carried atomic weapons.”
Servo: “Which means we’re all dead.”
Scientist: “Be careful, don’t go into that area, there’s radiation there.”
Servo: “And as everyone knows it can only affect you if you touch it.”
The ice melts and breaks.
Servo: “And so, in fear and hot water, the first slurpy is born!”
And Gamera breaks out of the ice!
(Girl fiddles with radio while an Eskimo kid stands next to her)
Girl: “Atmospheric conditions are bad and I can’t make contact.”
Servo: “And this little kid keeps twisting all the dials.”
(Joel smacks the kid)
Hidaka: “Good-bye, Chief.”
Crow: “Good-bye McCloud.”
(They’ll really run that gag into the ground next episode)
And the Eskimo chief gives the scientist the ‘Legendary stone’ with pictures of Gamera.
Eskimo: “It is the devil’s envoy!”
Servo: “Kissinger?”
Eskimo: “Gamera!”
Servo: “Oh.”
(examining the stone)
Hidaka: “There are waves around it, it must be aquatic…”
Crow: “Like a duck?”
And the sailors are watching Gamera through binoculars.
Gamera attacks the ship…
And kills everyone on board.
Some toy jets take off…
Servo: “Ice Station Tyco.”
(on a shot of a pilot with a black visor)
Servo: “I can’t see a damn thing. What’s going on, it’s pitch black in here?”
(pilot lifts the visor)
Servo: “Oh.”
(flying over a huge hole in the ice)
Crow: “Looks like we’re flying over the plot hole of the film.”
Cut to New York.
(on a sign saying ‘New York news studio’ which has been cut off by the camera)
Servo: “Oh, New York News Stud.”
Crow: “Hello, ladies!”
Hidaka and his daughter give a news conference with the stud.
(On the bored looking daughter)
Joel: “Sleep! Sleep!”
After the news conference we cut to a drunk old man walking home at night.
Servo: “Oh, this is the universal unsuspecting drunkard about to have a brush with the supernatural.”
And he sees a fireball flying around in the air (his main concern is that it changes its course, not that it’s a huge fireball).
Old Guy: “Maybe it’s the flying saucer I’ve heard them talk about…so much…lately.”
All (applause): “Bravo!”
Reporter (talking about flying saucers): “Even an old farmer outside of Tokyo claims he saw one.”
Servo: “But he’s old, goofy, and drunk.”
Cut to airplane where our three leads are flying.
Servo: “The captain has turned off the no-dubbing sign; you are free to speak any language you choose.”
So, wait, the girl flew from the Arctic to New York and now is flying home and only now realizes that they’re the only survivors?! I guess she’s a little slow.
Hidaka: “There were at least seven or eight camera men along with the expedition.”
Crow: “Now they’re Gamera men.”
Reporter guy confesses that he chose to go along with Hidaka to be with his daughter.
Cut to a lighthouse on the coast.
Lady (looking off screen): “Hello!”
All: “Hi!”
Lady: “Nice to see you.”
All: “Thank you!”
She’s meeting with Kenny’s teacher (who is Kenny? Oh, you’ll see, gentle reader, you’ll see).
Teacher: “He’s done a very strange drawing. I thought you should see it.”
Joel: “Uh, that’s me with the arrows through my head.”
We learn Kenny is obsessed with turtles.
Teacher: “Kenny’s not a bad student.”
Servo: “He’s just twisted.”
Teacher: “The other students make fun of him. They think he’s strange.”
Crow: “Yeah, kids are perceptive that way.”
Lady: “His mother died when he was very young.”
Joel: “She was mauled by turtles.”
Servo (as teacher): “Oh, and ask him to bathe. We must have some rules.”
Cut to Kenny’s family at dinner. Kenny sneaks some food from the table.
Lady: “Kenny? What are you doing with that?”
Joel (as Kenny): “Evil things. Horrible things.”
Lady: “Who’s all this food for?”
Joel: “Sauron the Dark Lord!”
And they make Kenny get rid of his pet turtle.
Servo (Makes flushing noises).
Joel: “See you on the other side, sweet friend.”
First Host Segment: Servo signs a heart-felt song to Tibby, Kenny’s pet turtle. It’s a great song and a great segment, especially when Crow tries to join in. Again, Kevin Murphy has a beautiful voice.
Crow: “Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?”
Back in the movie, Kenny is moping and Gamera pops up over the cliff looking at him. Kenny sees him.
Crow (As Gamera): “Those kids at school they tease you Kenny, because they’ve never tasted Hell. Today we turn the tables!”
Lady: “You’re seeing things!”
(Ground starts shaking)
Crow: “Oh, now you’re feeling things! Kenny, stop it.”
Gamera pops up again.
Crow (as Gamera): “What’s all this about not letting Kenny keep his turtle?”
And Kenny randomly climbs up into the lighthouse, which Gamera promptly smashes.
They’re all cheering for Kenny to fall (I’m with them). He does, but Gamera catches him (boo).
Crow: “Yeah, quick, move his spine around, he’s had a bad fall.”
Kenny starts insisting that Gamera must be good, because he saved him (after trying to kill him, note).
Cut to scientist etc.
Odd voice off screen: “Excuse me Dr. Hidaka?”
Crow: “I have this stabbing pain in my back!”
Joel does a great little other side of the phone voice.
Radio: “Reports are coming in about the devastation caused by Gamera. Although some of these come from unreliable sources.”
Crow: “Like Kenny.”
Kenny finds a pile of rocks.
Crow: “Oh, it’s Tibby’s burial mound!”
Servo: “Shut up.”
Kenny: “Tibby?”
Crow: “Or not ti-be!”
Kenny runs around calling for Tibby.
Crow: “Tibby? Tibby? Squish! Oh, Tibby!”
Joel: “What are you worried about, Tibby’s long dead Tom.”
Servo: “I’m leaving! This is terrible!”
Servo tries to exit through the other side of the theater.
Crow: “How does he expect Tibby to signal him? Light a flare?”
Cut to three heroes on another plane.
Joel: “Man, they’ve been on that plane for like forty-eight hours!”
Reporter guy is starting to get creepy in his obsession with the girl.
Dr. Hidaka: “He must be found soon. Or there’ll be chaos everywhere.”
(Cut to a guy with a clip-board)
Joel: “Let’s see there’s chaos here, chaos there, uh, yup, he’s right, chaos everywhere.”
Gamera starts heading for a geothermal power plant.
Three heroes show up as well.
Commander: “I’m sorry. Reporters aren’t allowed here.”
Servo: “But I’m a bad reporter…”
A guy with a rather odd voice shows up, much to Joel’s delight as he starts imitating him mercilessly.
Crow (after Joel does several quips in odd voice): “Stop please. You can be replaced by Leno, you know.”
Joel: “Sorry.”
Cut to heroes in a jeep.
Crow: “I-it’s s-s-o bu-umpy!”
And they try to electrocute Gamera as he attacks.
Guy: “The electrical shocks don’t seem to bother Gamera at all.”
Servo: “Hm. And I was counting very heavily on them.”
Military fires at Gamera.
Servo: “Three-Mile Island: The real story.”
Joel: “Doesn’t he kind of look like Godzilla with a backpack on?”
Gamera starts eating the fire.
Hidaka: “I must go back to the university.”
Crow: “You stay here.”
Cut to a university where we meet a scientist who looks a lot like a Col. Sanders.
Col. Sanders: “Gamera has the power to convert organic matter into inorganic matter.”
Joel: “Oh, like McDonalds.”
Soldier: “Commander, I believe we ought to call UN Headquarters!”
Servo: “Oh, what, so you’re in charge now?”
And Kenny is there for some reason and starts cheering for Gamera to run. Joel tries to cover his mouth.
Kenny screams that Gamera is good (despite all evidence to the contrary).
Kenny: “Gamera saved my life once.”
Crow: “Yeah, that’s great kid. Guard!”
Kenny: “Gamera is a good turtle, sir.”
Servo: “Yep, what he’s done today is a benefit to all, kid.”
Soldier: “The plant is completely destroyed.”
Crow: “I told you to water the plant!”
Military suggests a freezing bomb, which only lasts for ten-minutes.
Katherine: “You mean it can really freeze anything?”
Crow: “Even a man’s passion?”
They really emphasize the ‘ten-minute’ limit.
Hidaka: “If we make a mistake the whole plan will fail!”
Servo: “No pressure, though.”
Second Host Segment: Crow does that voodoo that he do so well on Kenny via Joel’s Jim Varney doll. Joel tries to get them to feel some compassion for Kenny. It doesn’t work, of course. It’s a pretty funny sketch, especially Crow’s plan to give Kenny a big hug…and squeeze him, and squeeze him, and squeeze, and squeeze, and squeeeeeze…Also contains perhaps the first mention of Kim Catrall, the future object of Crow’s affection.
Back in the movie, they’re bombing Gamera with the freezing bombs.
The plan ends with Gamera rolling onto his back.
Crow (as Gamera): “Tell Kenny I loved him.”
And they all expect Gamera to die shortly, since turtles can’t turn over.
Gamera pulls in his head and feet:
Servo: “I’m melting! Oh, what a world, what a world!”
And Gamera starts his jets and flies off like a flying saucer.
Joel (on Hidaka): “Looks like it’s back to Botech for me.”
Hidaka: “They were trying to tell us that Gamera was a flying creature!”
Servo: “A little late, herr doktor.”
(A newspaper suddenly pops up on screen)
Servo: “Smash! Newspaper hits Japanese in face!”
(Cut to old guy reading paper)
Joel: “Ooh, that stung!”
And suddenly cut to Kenny and his mysterious female relative living in Tokyo:
Lady: “What are these stones for?”
Joel (as Kenny): “To hurt people. Life hurts me, so I hurt back.”
Lady: “I suppose this is another foolishness of yours.”
Crow: “I suppose now we’re going to be attacked by a giant rock.”
And Kenny and Lady burst in on Hidaka unannounced.
Katherine: “I told Kenny that when he was visiting Tokyo he ought to come and see us.”
Hidaka: “Oh, how nice.”
Servo: “I didn’t really mean…”
(Lady rambles on about what’s been happening with them)
Servo (as Hidaka): “Oh, how nice for you. Look, I need to get back to work.”
Kenny: “Doctor…”
Joel: “You’re going to die, sir.”
Kenny: “Gamera must be terribly lonely.”
Crow: “Kenny, he’s a turtle! Get a mitt and catch a clue!”
Joel (as Kenny): “Gamera demands your instant death!”
Joel: “Your passing will be painless, doctor.”
Cut to Kenny having an argument with another boy over his stones.
Kenny: “Give me back my stones.”
Joel: “You were born of a jackal!”
Turns out the other kid threw Kenny’s stones into the river.
Joel (as Kenny): “DIE! DIE! DIE!”
Now cut to Kenny mopping in a bed, complete with Exorcist jokes.
Joel (as Kenny): “I am the dream warrior!”
And now cut to some fishermen complaining about how the fishing is so bad, then news about floods in Tokyo, complete with stock footage)
Crow: “Oh, ah, this is Pearl Harbor, how did this get in here?”
Hidaka blames Gamera for the disasters (this plot line goes nowhere, by the way).
Mirasu: “I am forced to admit there may be more disasters ahead.”
Servo: “More Gamera movies.”
Cut to a Tokyo airport, where Gamera shows up and kills everyone.
Joel: “Well, so much for Kenny’s theory about him being good-hearted.”
Cut to a rock band.
Crow: “Kenny and the Ken-Tones!”
And the dancers are literally too dumb to live, so they keep dancing while Gamera approaches, even as the police try to make them evacuate.
And Gamera takes down Tokyo Tower and pretty much kills everyone he sees.
Kenny creepily watches the destruction.
Lady: “Hurry, we must leave right away!”
Joel (creepy monotone): “There is still so much work to be done though, sister.”
In the aftermath of the destruction, the Lady tries to evacuate and realizes the Kenny is gone.
Servo: “Oh, who’s she kidding? She’s been wishing for this since frame one.”
So, Gamera is being kept at a coal plant by plying him with flames. Kenny inexplicably decides to go to him.
Crow (as Gamera): “Why? Why? The world was never meant for one as beautiful as me!”
Kenny hops a petroleum train heading for Gamera. Why? He’s psychotic, okay?
Crow makes a bad pun and Joel just casually rips his arm off and hits him with it!
(Guy answers phone)
Guy: “Did it work?”
Servo: “This is Gamera: knock it off!”
And one of the workers risks his life to try to save the ungrateful little psychopath.
Joel (as Kenny): “Gamera, I’m coming to be in union with you!”
(as the guy tries to save Kenny)
Joel: “Don’t touch me infidel! The man-goat shall make you pay!”
And they both only barely survive (unfortunately).
The workers all mock Kenny (as do the guys), very justly.
Anyway, the government is now ready to execute “Z Plan.” What is Z Plan? You’ll see, gentle viewer.
Announcer: “The area is off limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.”
Joel: “Kenny, however, is free to move about.”
Indeed, Kenny stows away on the ship heading to the area.
Third Host Segment: The bots are in a beauty shop and are visited by Gamera (played by Mike Nelson). He’s really nice and admits that he’s using Kenny. It’s a fun little sketch.
Oddly, Joel is already in the theater when they return. He doesn’t believe they met Gamera.
Kenny travlling:
Joel (singing): “Hmm, death to the world…”
Crow (on the island where the end will take place): “Once a garden spot. Now, a playground of death.”
Hidaka: “Kenny, you’re a friend of Gamera, aren’t you?”
Servo: “Oh, very much so!”
Joel: “I am his key-master.”
(Kenny looks thoughtful)
Joel: “Now let’s see, what could I screw up big time…yeah, that’s it! Boats! Everybody needs boats!”
The military creates a line of fire across the ocean to the site of Z Plan (it’s actually a pretty cool shot).
Gamera follows the line of fire, gobbling it up.
But oh noes! A Typhoon threatens to put out the fire!
Joel: “Emperor Kenny, it’s got a nice ring to it. I shall soon be crowned king.”
Hurrah! Reporter guy starts setting fire to the installation to draw Gamera! (and no one else thought of that for some reason).
Servo: “And now Gamera in a scene from ‘From Here to Eternity’”
Joel: “That’s more like the length of this movie.”
But oh noes! The rain puts out the fire!
Crow (as Gamera): “You never loved me, Kenny! It’s just the rocks you cared about!”
Hurrah! A volcano goes off and Gamera is drawn back! (seriously, this whole climax is amazingly contrived).
So they put Z Plan into operation (which Kenny is suddenly excited about, even though he did his best to sabotage it a few minutes ago).
By the way, we get a really pretty impressive mate painting here.
Crow: “Oh, good, Kenny’s here: we can start.”
Joel: “Get me a phone to Moscow and a chocolate doughnut for Kenny.”
So, Z Plan was to trap Gamera in the enormous rocket they just had sitting around and shoot him into space.
Crow and Servo start singing the MST3k Theme song! Joel is not pleased.
And everyone’s happy! Hidaka advises Katherine to give up science and marry reporter guy. Kenny plans to see Gamera again.
Kenny: “Gamera! See you soon!”
Crow (as Gamera): “Hey, Kenny! Get bent!”
Crow: “Gamera will be back in ‘The Bells of Saint Mary’s!’”
Final Host Segment: “A quality cast deserves a second look.” Tom gives a second look at the characters in the film. It’s very funny. Then we get a letter. Joel comments that this wasn’t such a bad movie this time. The Mads are not happy about that.
Stinger: Eskimo says “Bye.” It’s a pretty decent moment, just for the way he says it. An acceptable stinger.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. Gamera
7. First Spaceship to Venus
8. Rocketship XM
9. Moon Zero Two
10. Godzilla vs. Megalon
11. The Crawling Hand
12. Catalina Caper
13. King Dinosaur
14. Jungle Goddess
15. Wild Rebels
16. The Corpse Vanishes
17. Ring of Terror
18. Untamed Youth
19. The Slime People
20. Project Moonbase
21. The Sidehackers
22. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
23. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
24. Cave Dwellers
25. Hellcats
26. Rocket Attack USA
27. Robot Holocaust
28. Robot Monster
Conclusion: A goofy monster movie, some great riffing, and strong host segments make this an all-around great episode.
Final Rating: 10/10.
Here begins what will be a pattern in Season three of roughly every other film being a Japanese Sci-fi flick. This will prove a rich, fertile field for the Brains, for Japanese Sci-Fi Movies are some of the most bizarre films that mankind has ever committed to celluloid. And that’s not even considering the Japanese Special Effects style (which calls to mind the nursery rhyme: When it is good, it’s very, very good, but when it’s bad, it’s horrid) or the half-hearted dubbing, usually with some rather odd accents and dialogue as they attempt to match the Japanese lip movements.
This is the first of the Gamera film series, which can probably be best described as the poor-man’s Godzilla. I know some Gamera fans have objected to that description, but it really is very apt. The Gamera films can certainly be enjoyable, but watching them tends to make the viewer realize how much better the contemporary Godzilla movies are.
For instance, the same year “Gamera” came out Toho released “Invasion of Astro Monster,” completing the trilogy that arguably represents the high-point of the early Godzilla series (not counting the original, of course). As part of the plot of that film, the Xian Aliens request that Godzilla and Rodan be sent to Planet X to defeat King Ghidorah, as they did on Earth in the previous film. The humans object that, even if they knew where the monsters were, it would be impossible for them to capture them and bring them there. The Xians assure them that they will handle that. Now compare that to the end of “Gamera,” where the humans defeat the giant turtle by shutting him in a giant rocket and shooting him off to Mars. As out-there as the Godzilla movies could be, they tended to maintain at least a tenuous connection with reality; a connection the Gamera series throws off like a suicidal bungee-jumper.
Well, anyway, the first Gamera movie shows how Gamera was awakened by a nuclear bomb accidentally detonated in the arctic, releasing him from his icy prison. His revival is witnessed by Dr. Hidaka, his daughter, Katherine, and a reporter named Alex, who is rather creepily obsessed with Katherine. Gamera’s first move is to destroy their ship, killing everyone on board (in a pathetic attempt to mirror the shipping disasters that open “Godzilla”). We then meet far and away the most frightening thing in this film: Kenny. This little brat is obsessed with turtles and as soon as he sees Gamera he becomes almost religiously devoted to him. Listening to Kenny is like reading the parts of a Tom Clancy novel written from the terrorists’ perspective. Honestly, this kid is really disturbing in the way he keeps insisting that Gamera is ‘good and gentle’ even while the monster is laying waste to Tokyo.
So, Gamera arrives in Japan, lays waste to the country for a while in his search for flames to eat (apparently Japan is the only nation that produces flames, since Gamera flies around the world several times but only ever attacks Japan. Oh, did I mention he can fly? Because he can). Kenny does everything he can to sabotage the efforts to stop Gamera, yet Hidaka and everyone still treat him with parental kindness rather than committing him (and there are some rather disturbing hints that Kenny is actually directing Gamera’s attacks somehow). Eventually a really contrived ending takes place, where Gamera is, indeed, locked in a giant rocket (seriously, that thing must be a mile tall at least) and shot into space (this was “Z Plan:” apparently something they had been working on long before Gamera showed up. No word on why exactly they made such a huge rocket in the first place).
So, yeah, the film is pretty bad. But it’s a friendly, fun kind of bad. Joel himself notes that it’s not such a bad movie. Gamera is a pretty cool monster, with his huge tusks and ability to shoot into the air like a flying saucer. If it weren’t for Kenny the film would be a pretty painless experience. As it is…well, at least Kenny doesn’t have as much screen time as some of his future cinematic brothers would.
The episode is very funny, with Joel and the ‘bots in top form throughout, riffing on the poor effects, Kenny’s creepiness, the odd voices, and so on. The host segments are all pretty strong too, each expertly spoofing the movie. So, a goofy-Japanese sci-fi flick, strong riffing, and strong host segments make this an all around excellent episode.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel and the bots are warming up under Tom’s direction. It’s pretty amusing, and actually appropriate as they are warming up their voices; the kind of things actors do before performing.
Invention Exchange: Joel has an endless salad. It’s really endless. (Also a great bit where Crow tricks Tom into a ‘trust exercise’). Frank has invented a vacuum cleaner for cleaning bird cages. It sucks up the whole cage, bird and all. A very amusing sketch all around.
The credits open over close-up footage of the ocean.
Servo: “Water! The source of all life!”
Our first acquaintance with Sandy Frank, who will turn out to have one of the more painful relations with the Brains.
Servo: “Titles by the Atlantic Ocean.”
Cut to bombers in flight.
Servo: “Oh, death from on high. Neat.”
Crow: “Micro Machines at five-o’clock! And GI Joe is there!”
Reporter: “It looks wild!”
Girl: “You can say that again.”
All: “It looks wild!”
Crow (on a dog in the background): “Ruff. Arf.”
Anyway, three characters meet with some Eskimos and then notice the bombers overhead.
Sailor: “Do you think Dr. Hidaka will learn anything from the Eskimos?”
Servo: “Oh, get real!”
Cut to an American base hearing about the bombers.
Crow: “Americans? What are they doing in the film?”
General: “Have you spotted anything on your radar screen?”
Really bad actor: “No sir. It must coated with anti…electric wave paint sir.”
Joel: “Cut! Cut! Let’s do that again!”
Servo: “Hey, it’s Curly Joe as the General.”
Sailor: “Captain, will they attack us?”
Captain: “I doubt it.”
Joel: “They’re models.”
Some American planes chase the mysterious bombers.
(Bomber fires a missile out its rear)
Joel: “Uh, you lost your muffler.”
(American planes shoot down bombers)
Servo: “And that’s just a warning.”
Girl: “It looks like that air plane carried atomic weapons.”
Servo: “Which means we’re all dead.”
Scientist: “Be careful, don’t go into that area, there’s radiation there.”
Servo: “And as everyone knows it can only affect you if you touch it.”
The ice melts and breaks.
Servo: “And so, in fear and hot water, the first slurpy is born!”
And Gamera breaks out of the ice!
(Girl fiddles with radio while an Eskimo kid stands next to her)
Girl: “Atmospheric conditions are bad and I can’t make contact.”
Servo: “And this little kid keeps twisting all the dials.”
(Joel smacks the kid)
Hidaka: “Good-bye, Chief.”
Crow: “Good-bye McCloud.”
(They’ll really run that gag into the ground next episode)
And the Eskimo chief gives the scientist the ‘Legendary stone’ with pictures of Gamera.
Eskimo: “It is the devil’s envoy!”
Servo: “Kissinger?”
Eskimo: “Gamera!”
Servo: “Oh.”
(examining the stone)
Hidaka: “There are waves around it, it must be aquatic…”
Crow: “Like a duck?”
And the sailors are watching Gamera through binoculars.
Gamera attacks the ship…
And kills everyone on board.
Some toy jets take off…
Servo: “Ice Station Tyco.”
(on a shot of a pilot with a black visor)
Servo: “I can’t see a damn thing. What’s going on, it’s pitch black in here?”
(pilot lifts the visor)
Servo: “Oh.”
(flying over a huge hole in the ice)
Crow: “Looks like we’re flying over the plot hole of the film.”
Cut to New York.
(on a sign saying ‘New York news studio’ which has been cut off by the camera)
Servo: “Oh, New York News Stud.”
Crow: “Hello, ladies!”
Hidaka and his daughter give a news conference with the stud.
(On the bored looking daughter)
Joel: “Sleep! Sleep!”
After the news conference we cut to a drunk old man walking home at night.
Servo: “Oh, this is the universal unsuspecting drunkard about to have a brush with the supernatural.”
And he sees a fireball flying around in the air (his main concern is that it changes its course, not that it’s a huge fireball).
Old Guy: “Maybe it’s the flying saucer I’ve heard them talk about…so much…lately.”
All (applause): “Bravo!”
Reporter (talking about flying saucers): “Even an old farmer outside of Tokyo claims he saw one.”
Servo: “But he’s old, goofy, and drunk.”
Cut to airplane where our three leads are flying.
Servo: “The captain has turned off the no-dubbing sign; you are free to speak any language you choose.”
So, wait, the girl flew from the Arctic to New York and now is flying home and only now realizes that they’re the only survivors?! I guess she’s a little slow.
Hidaka: “There were at least seven or eight camera men along with the expedition.”
Crow: “Now they’re Gamera men.”
Reporter guy confesses that he chose to go along with Hidaka to be with his daughter.
Cut to a lighthouse on the coast.
Lady (looking off screen): “Hello!”
All: “Hi!”
Lady: “Nice to see you.”
All: “Thank you!”
She’s meeting with Kenny’s teacher (who is Kenny? Oh, you’ll see, gentle reader, you’ll see).
Teacher: “He’s done a very strange drawing. I thought you should see it.”
Joel: “Uh, that’s me with the arrows through my head.”
We learn Kenny is obsessed with turtles.
Teacher: “Kenny’s not a bad student.”
Servo: “He’s just twisted.”
Teacher: “The other students make fun of him. They think he’s strange.”
Crow: “Yeah, kids are perceptive that way.”
Lady: “His mother died when he was very young.”
Joel: “She was mauled by turtles.”
Servo (as teacher): “Oh, and ask him to bathe. We must have some rules.”
Cut to Kenny’s family at dinner. Kenny sneaks some food from the table.
Lady: “Kenny? What are you doing with that?”
Joel (as Kenny): “Evil things. Horrible things.”
Lady: “Who’s all this food for?”
Joel: “Sauron the Dark Lord!”
And they make Kenny get rid of his pet turtle.
Servo (Makes flushing noises).
Joel: “See you on the other side, sweet friend.”
First Host Segment: Servo signs a heart-felt song to Tibby, Kenny’s pet turtle. It’s a great song and a great segment, especially when Crow tries to join in. Again, Kevin Murphy has a beautiful voice.
Crow: “Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?”
Back in the movie, Kenny is moping and Gamera pops up over the cliff looking at him. Kenny sees him.
Crow (As Gamera): “Those kids at school they tease you Kenny, because they’ve never tasted Hell. Today we turn the tables!”
Lady: “You’re seeing things!”
(Ground starts shaking)
Crow: “Oh, now you’re feeling things! Kenny, stop it.”
Gamera pops up again.
Crow (as Gamera): “What’s all this about not letting Kenny keep his turtle?”
And Kenny randomly climbs up into the lighthouse, which Gamera promptly smashes.
They’re all cheering for Kenny to fall (I’m with them). He does, but Gamera catches him (boo).
Crow: “Yeah, quick, move his spine around, he’s had a bad fall.”
Kenny starts insisting that Gamera must be good, because he saved him (after trying to kill him, note).
Cut to scientist etc.
Odd voice off screen: “Excuse me Dr. Hidaka?”
Crow: “I have this stabbing pain in my back!”
Joel does a great little other side of the phone voice.
Radio: “Reports are coming in about the devastation caused by Gamera. Although some of these come from unreliable sources.”
Crow: “Like Kenny.”
Kenny finds a pile of rocks.
Crow: “Oh, it’s Tibby’s burial mound!”
Servo: “Shut up.”
Kenny: “Tibby?”
Crow: “Or not ti-be!”
Kenny runs around calling for Tibby.
Crow: “Tibby? Tibby? Squish! Oh, Tibby!”
Joel: “What are you worried about, Tibby’s long dead Tom.”
Servo: “I’m leaving! This is terrible!”
Servo tries to exit through the other side of the theater.
Crow: “How does he expect Tibby to signal him? Light a flare?”
Cut to three heroes on another plane.
Joel: “Man, they’ve been on that plane for like forty-eight hours!”
Reporter guy is starting to get creepy in his obsession with the girl.
Dr. Hidaka: “He must be found soon. Or there’ll be chaos everywhere.”
(Cut to a guy with a clip-board)
Joel: “Let’s see there’s chaos here, chaos there, uh, yup, he’s right, chaos everywhere.”
Gamera starts heading for a geothermal power plant.
Three heroes show up as well.
Commander: “I’m sorry. Reporters aren’t allowed here.”
Servo: “But I’m a bad reporter…”
A guy with a rather odd voice shows up, much to Joel’s delight as he starts imitating him mercilessly.
Crow (after Joel does several quips in odd voice): “Stop please. You can be replaced by Leno, you know.”
Joel: “Sorry.”
Cut to heroes in a jeep.
Crow: “I-it’s s-s-o bu-umpy!”
And they try to electrocute Gamera as he attacks.
Guy: “The electrical shocks don’t seem to bother Gamera at all.”
Servo: “Hm. And I was counting very heavily on them.”
Military fires at Gamera.
Servo: “Three-Mile Island: The real story.”
Joel: “Doesn’t he kind of look like Godzilla with a backpack on?”
Gamera starts eating the fire.
Hidaka: “I must go back to the university.”
Crow: “You stay here.”
Cut to a university where we meet a scientist who looks a lot like a Col. Sanders.
Col. Sanders: “Gamera has the power to convert organic matter into inorganic matter.”
Joel: “Oh, like McDonalds.”
Soldier: “Commander, I believe we ought to call UN Headquarters!”
Servo: “Oh, what, so you’re in charge now?”
And Kenny is there for some reason and starts cheering for Gamera to run. Joel tries to cover his mouth.
Kenny screams that Gamera is good (despite all evidence to the contrary).
Kenny: “Gamera saved my life once.”
Crow: “Yeah, that’s great kid. Guard!”
Kenny: “Gamera is a good turtle, sir.”
Servo: “Yep, what he’s done today is a benefit to all, kid.”
Soldier: “The plant is completely destroyed.”
Crow: “I told you to water the plant!”
Military suggests a freezing bomb, which only lasts for ten-minutes.
Katherine: “You mean it can really freeze anything?”
Crow: “Even a man’s passion?”
They really emphasize the ‘ten-minute’ limit.
Hidaka: “If we make a mistake the whole plan will fail!”
Servo: “No pressure, though.”
Second Host Segment: Crow does that voodoo that he do so well on Kenny via Joel’s Jim Varney doll. Joel tries to get them to feel some compassion for Kenny. It doesn’t work, of course. It’s a pretty funny sketch, especially Crow’s plan to give Kenny a big hug…and squeeze him, and squeeze him, and squeeze, and squeeze, and squeeeeeze…Also contains perhaps the first mention of Kim Catrall, the future object of Crow’s affection.
Back in the movie, they’re bombing Gamera with the freezing bombs.
The plan ends with Gamera rolling onto his back.
Crow (as Gamera): “Tell Kenny I loved him.”
And they all expect Gamera to die shortly, since turtles can’t turn over.
Gamera pulls in his head and feet:
Servo: “I’m melting! Oh, what a world, what a world!”
And Gamera starts his jets and flies off like a flying saucer.
Joel (on Hidaka): “Looks like it’s back to Botech for me.”
Hidaka: “They were trying to tell us that Gamera was a flying creature!”
Servo: “A little late, herr doktor.”
(A newspaper suddenly pops up on screen)
Servo: “Smash! Newspaper hits Japanese in face!”
(Cut to old guy reading paper)
Joel: “Ooh, that stung!”
And suddenly cut to Kenny and his mysterious female relative living in Tokyo:
Lady: “What are these stones for?”
Joel (as Kenny): “To hurt people. Life hurts me, so I hurt back.”
Lady: “I suppose this is another foolishness of yours.”
Crow: “I suppose now we’re going to be attacked by a giant rock.”
And Kenny and Lady burst in on Hidaka unannounced.
Katherine: “I told Kenny that when he was visiting Tokyo he ought to come and see us.”
Hidaka: “Oh, how nice.”
Servo: “I didn’t really mean…”
(Lady rambles on about what’s been happening with them)
Servo (as Hidaka): “Oh, how nice for you. Look, I need to get back to work.”
Kenny: “Doctor…”
Joel: “You’re going to die, sir.”
Kenny: “Gamera must be terribly lonely.”
Crow: “Kenny, he’s a turtle! Get a mitt and catch a clue!”
Joel (as Kenny): “Gamera demands your instant death!”
Joel: “Your passing will be painless, doctor.”
Cut to Kenny having an argument with another boy over his stones.
Kenny: “Give me back my stones.”
Joel: “You were born of a jackal!”
Turns out the other kid threw Kenny’s stones into the river.
Joel (as Kenny): “DIE! DIE! DIE!”
Now cut to Kenny mopping in a bed, complete with Exorcist jokes.
Joel (as Kenny): “I am the dream warrior!”
And now cut to some fishermen complaining about how the fishing is so bad, then news about floods in Tokyo, complete with stock footage)
Crow: “Oh, ah, this is Pearl Harbor, how did this get in here?”
Hidaka blames Gamera for the disasters (this plot line goes nowhere, by the way).
Mirasu: “I am forced to admit there may be more disasters ahead.”
Servo: “More Gamera movies.”
Cut to a Tokyo airport, where Gamera shows up and kills everyone.
Joel: “Well, so much for Kenny’s theory about him being good-hearted.”
Cut to a rock band.
Crow: “Kenny and the Ken-Tones!”
And the dancers are literally too dumb to live, so they keep dancing while Gamera approaches, even as the police try to make them evacuate.
And Gamera takes down Tokyo Tower and pretty much kills everyone he sees.
Kenny creepily watches the destruction.
Lady: “Hurry, we must leave right away!”
Joel (creepy monotone): “There is still so much work to be done though, sister.”
In the aftermath of the destruction, the Lady tries to evacuate and realizes the Kenny is gone.
Servo: “Oh, who’s she kidding? She’s been wishing for this since frame one.”
So, Gamera is being kept at a coal plant by plying him with flames. Kenny inexplicably decides to go to him.
Crow (as Gamera): “Why? Why? The world was never meant for one as beautiful as me!”
Kenny hops a petroleum train heading for Gamera. Why? He’s psychotic, okay?
Crow makes a bad pun and Joel just casually rips his arm off and hits him with it!
(Guy answers phone)
Guy: “Did it work?”
Servo: “This is Gamera: knock it off!”
And one of the workers risks his life to try to save the ungrateful little psychopath.
Joel (as Kenny): “Gamera, I’m coming to be in union with you!”
(as the guy tries to save Kenny)
Joel: “Don’t touch me infidel! The man-goat shall make you pay!”
And they both only barely survive (unfortunately).
The workers all mock Kenny (as do the guys), very justly.
Anyway, the government is now ready to execute “Z Plan.” What is Z Plan? You’ll see, gentle viewer.
Announcer: “The area is off limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.”
Joel: “Kenny, however, is free to move about.”
Indeed, Kenny stows away on the ship heading to the area.
Third Host Segment: The bots are in a beauty shop and are visited by Gamera (played by Mike Nelson). He’s really nice and admits that he’s using Kenny. It’s a fun little sketch.
Oddly, Joel is already in the theater when they return. He doesn’t believe they met Gamera.
Kenny travlling:
Joel (singing): “Hmm, death to the world…”
Crow (on the island where the end will take place): “Once a garden spot. Now, a playground of death.”
Hidaka: “Kenny, you’re a friend of Gamera, aren’t you?”
Servo: “Oh, very much so!”
Joel: “I am his key-master.”
(Kenny looks thoughtful)
Joel: “Now let’s see, what could I screw up big time…yeah, that’s it! Boats! Everybody needs boats!”
The military creates a line of fire across the ocean to the site of Z Plan (it’s actually a pretty cool shot).
Gamera follows the line of fire, gobbling it up.
But oh noes! A Typhoon threatens to put out the fire!
Joel: “Emperor Kenny, it’s got a nice ring to it. I shall soon be crowned king.”
Hurrah! Reporter guy starts setting fire to the installation to draw Gamera! (and no one else thought of that for some reason).
Servo: “And now Gamera in a scene from ‘From Here to Eternity’”
Joel: “That’s more like the length of this movie.”
But oh noes! The rain puts out the fire!
Crow (as Gamera): “You never loved me, Kenny! It’s just the rocks you cared about!”
Hurrah! A volcano goes off and Gamera is drawn back! (seriously, this whole climax is amazingly contrived).
So they put Z Plan into operation (which Kenny is suddenly excited about, even though he did his best to sabotage it a few minutes ago).
By the way, we get a really pretty impressive mate painting here.
Crow: “Oh, good, Kenny’s here: we can start.”
Joel: “Get me a phone to Moscow and a chocolate doughnut for Kenny.”
So, Z Plan was to trap Gamera in the enormous rocket they just had sitting around and shoot him into space.
Crow and Servo start singing the MST3k Theme song! Joel is not pleased.
And everyone’s happy! Hidaka advises Katherine to give up science and marry reporter guy. Kenny plans to see Gamera again.
Kenny: “Gamera! See you soon!”
Crow (as Gamera): “Hey, Kenny! Get bent!”
Crow: “Gamera will be back in ‘The Bells of Saint Mary’s!’”
Final Host Segment: “A quality cast deserves a second look.” Tom gives a second look at the characters in the film. It’s very funny. Then we get a letter. Joel comments that this wasn’t such a bad movie this time. The Mads are not happy about that.
Stinger: Eskimo says “Bye.” It’s a pretty decent moment, just for the way he says it. An acceptable stinger.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. Gamera
7. First Spaceship to Venus
8. Rocketship XM
9. Moon Zero Two
10. Godzilla vs. Megalon
11. The Crawling Hand
12. Catalina Caper
13. King Dinosaur
14. Jungle Goddess
15. Wild Rebels
16. The Corpse Vanishes
17. Ring of Terror
18. Untamed Youth
19. The Slime People
20. Project Moonbase
21. The Sidehackers
22. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
23. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
24. Cave Dwellers
25. Hellcats
26. Rocket Attack USA
27. Robot Holocaust
28. Robot Monster
Conclusion: A goofy monster movie, some great riffing, and strong host segments make this an all-around great episode.
Final Rating: 10/10.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Alice Cooper: An Appreciation
Today, I discovered a little too late, was Alice Cooper’s birthday. I don’t know whether it’ll surprise anyone or not, but I’m a fan of his. First off, his music is simply awesome (my favorite is probably “He’s Back,” written in honor of that masterpiece of cinema: “Friday the 13th Part VI”). But more than that, to me he embodies a sort of gleeful mockery of evil. Cooper acts like some sort of sadomasochistic horror freak, but it’s all an act. If it were real, he wouldn’t be half as much fun. I think he’s one of the very few modern artists who really capture the feel of a medieval macabre or bawdy: the dancing deaths and “Miller’s Tale.” In singing about being a serial killer or about having hot masochistic sex, Cooper is actually mocking them. The reality may be horrible, but he approaches it with such a deft, light touch that becomes entertaining rather than repulsive. You enjoy the song like you enjoy a horror movie: because it is fires up the blood and sends shivers down the spine, while at the same time being fundamentally innocent. An Alice Cooper song is a camp-fire story or slumber-party game in music form. It’s ultimately a mockery of evil rather than an endorsement of it.
Cooper himself is, apparently, a devout Christian who has gone on record saying his songs are meant to say “this is the devil: don’t choose it.” I believe him. At least one of his songs wouldn’t be out of place at a Youth Group Meeting (oh, boy, if I ever host one…). Cooper has seen enough of the ugly side of life in his time, and now he sings about it in a way that makes it over-the-top absurd rather than frightening. His songs are, in essence, a rousing chorus of “we are not afraid!” directed straight at Satan. That’s a rare skill and all too often misunderstood these days, particularly in Christian circles.
Happy Birthday, Alice!
Cooper himself is, apparently, a devout Christian who has gone on record saying his songs are meant to say “this is the devil: don’t choose it.” I believe him. At least one of his songs wouldn’t be out of place at a Youth Group Meeting (oh, boy, if I ever host one…). Cooper has seen enough of the ugly side of life in his time, and now he sings about it in a way that makes it over-the-top absurd rather than frightening. His songs are, in essence, a rousing chorus of “we are not afraid!” directed straight at Satan. That’s a rare skill and all too often misunderstood these days, particularly in Christian circles.
Happy Birthday, Alice!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thoughts on "The King's Speech"
The head of the largest Empire on Earth, on the cusp of the greatest War in History can barely say a complete sentence.
In a nutshell, that is the premise of The King’s Speech. For those of us who have difficulty speaking, a crowded room or a face across the table is intimidating enough. For a man with a severe stutter to speak to the entire British Empire...words fail to convey how terrifying that must be. This film, however, succeeds.
For those who have no difficulty speaking, it can be hard to convey just how frustrating, how humiliating the sensation of not being able to say what you want can be. The King’s Speech makes sure everyone in its audience knows exactly how it feels in the very opening scenes, where Prince Albert (excellent Colin Firth, forever Mr. Darcy to me) has to deliver a short speech opening the British Empire Exhibition before a huge crowd. As he falters and begins to stammer every silence, every half-word, every inarticulate sound coming out of his throat is magnified a hundred times over, reflecting his shame and embarrassment. Later his father makes him practice with the Christmas broadcast the King has just finished giving. As Albert struggles through the first few sentences, his father yells at him: “TRY!” As if that was his problem.
Seeking help, Albert’s wife, Elizabeth (Helena Bonham Carter, also excellent) seeks out of the help of a rather unorthodox Australian speech therapist and failed-actor named Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush, excellent). And so begins a remarkable relationship between the Duke of York and this slightly eccentric colonial, which soon develops into a surprising friendship...perhaps the first real one the Duke has ever had, baring his wife. As Logue points out, he can help the stammering only to a certain extent: to really make progress he has to reach deeper to find the underlying issues, which will require Albert to confide in him.
The film evinces incredible understanding of those with speech difficulties, and any person watching who has such a problem will find themselves nodding in sympathy with poor Prince Albert as he struggles to so much as tell a bed-time story to his daughters. Also refreshing is how Albert (or Bertie has his family…and later Logue…call him) doesn’t make immediate progress. Indeed, he is never completely cured during the film, and the ending indicates that he never was. The important thing isn’t whether he stammers, it’s whether he can perform his duties with it.
Duty is something of a subordinate theme in this movie. One of the reasons Bertie’s speech therapy is so vital is that his brother, Prince Edward, is too wrapped up in his famous romance with Mrs. Simpson to attend to his duties as heir to the throne…even after their father dies and Edward becomes King. Edward is too completely taken in by Wallis Simpson to really understand the gravity of the situation…or the fact that Mrs. Simpson has ties to the Nazis.
This is dramatized in a scene where Bertie and Elizabeth visit Edward (Guy Pearce, who is, yes, excellent as a decidedly not excellent man) and Mrs. Simpson at a royal retreat in Scotland…where Edward has set Mrs. Simpson up and is holding a raucous party. He we have one of the most heart wrenching moments in the film. Bertie follows Edward around the castle, trying to convince him to do his duty, to impress upon him the seriousness of his position (“What of Kaiser Wilhelm? What of the Russian Czar? Where are they?”), and reminding him that he can’t marry a divorced, American, Nazi-supporting woman and be King. Edward cheerfully ignores him, until finally Bertie starts putting his foot down and demanding his brother act like a King. At this, Edward viciously resorts to mocking Albert’s stutter, bringing the discussion to a brutal halt. Here we see one of the worst parts of having a speech impediment: the fact that there is always something people can easily attack and there is nothing you can do about it. Like going through life with a gaping wound you can’t protect or cover. Albert can’t respond to Edward’s mocking, since any attempt to do so would only give him more fuel, more material to turn into mockery. All he can do is back down, despite the fact that he is clearly in the right.
The worst part about this scene is that, up to this point, Edward has been a fairly pleasant character: weak, but basically good natured. The two brothers have gotten along fine. It was only when Albert tried to disrupt Edward’s foolish little world that Edward turned on him. It’s a brutal, shocking scene.
There is another element to that scene, though, which is the thought that here is a man who’s speech impediment makes it impossible for him to stand up to his own brother. How can he be expected to stand up to Nazi Germany?
This very point is illustrated in another striking moment. Edward, of course, soon abdicates to “be with the woman I love” (bleh) leaving his infinitely more admirable brother with the unenviable task of being King of England. Not long after this, King George (as Albert is now called) sees his future nemesis in a newsreel and realizes that Adolf Hitler has exactly the power that the King of England so conspicuously lacks. A power he will need to develop if he is going to lead his people through another war with Germany. All this leads up to his pivotal moment: his first war time speech, with which he will have to rally his Empire to fight the most powerful army on Earth.
Despite the subject matter – the deaths of kings, the fates of Empires, World Wars – the film staunchly remains an intimate human drama…and occasionally a human comedy, in some hilarious moments in Logue’s therapy (including perhaps the least offensive stream of profanity imaginable) and in a repeated gag involving a single shilling. Then there is the delightful moment when Logue’s wife (whom he has not yet informed of the situation) returns home unexpectedly to find the Queen of England sitting at her table while the King and her husband panic in the other room (Logue’s wife, incidentally, is played by Jennifer Ehle, who played Elizabeth Bennet opposite Colin Firth’s Darcy. They get a brief moment to exchange a look that, while completely in character, comes across almost as a shared joke. As if that wasn’t enough, David Bamber, who played Mr. Collins, also shows up briefly, still oozing slime as if he never stopped). Completely floored, she finds herself asking their royal majesties to stay for dinner…an offer which the Queen graciously deflects to the relief of all.
The film abounds with well observed little character moments, such as the aforementioned bed-time story Albert tells his daughters (“We want a story about a penguin!”), which they adore despite the difficulty he had in saying it. After he is made king comes another moment with the girls, as they uncertainly courtesy to him instead of running for a hug. One of my favorite moments, however, comes almost at the end. As Albert prepares to give his all-important speech, Winston Churchill (Timothy Spall) informs him that he himself once had a speech impediment. It’s a good example of saying a lot with very little and relying on the audience to make the connection: Winston Churchill, one of the greatest orators of the twentieth century, himself once could not speak.
As the reasons for Albert’s speech impediment come to light, we begin to wonder how he turned out as well adjusted as he is. The slow, disjointed tale of abuse gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “oh, to be king!” As our sympathy for Albert builds, however, so does our admiration. Here is a man who never wanted to be king, who never thought to be king, and who never believed he could be king. “I’m not a king!” he sobs at one point, completely overwhelmed by the unfairness of his position. In another scene he sums up his whole, horrible position in remarkable speech. “If I’m a king, where’s my power?” he asks. “Can I declare war? Form a government? Levy a tax? No! And yet I’m the seat of all authority because they think when I speak I speak for them. But I can’t speak.”
But, unlike his brother, Albert does not abandon his post. With help from his friend and his loving wife, he manfully shoulders his duty and finds, to his immense surprise, that he is equal to it after all.
I myself have a very minor speech difficulty: I would hardly even call in an impediment, more of a slight stumbling block. It’s just enough that I have some inkling of what my friends who do have speech impediments go though, and I have seen the difficulty they sometimes have in this world that seems to think a stammer is an attempt to personally inconvenience it. That is one of the best things about this film: that it provides a window into what it is like to live that way. This is largely due to Colin Firth’s acting, which, as noted, is incredible. We feel his frustration as he struggles to get his words out, his shame when he simply cannot speak, his resentment and fear of those who expect him to simply “make himself” speak well. Compare his performance with the usual presentation of stutterers: actors simply repeating the first letter of a word a few times. Firth gulps, mouths soundlessly, makes inarticulate noise, everything that someone who really has this affliction does. In short, he actually seems to be trying to talk. His acting simply cannot be praised highly enough.
Geoffrey Rush also succeeds in his rather more conventional role. He does a wonderful job of showcasing Logue’s own personal doubts, as well as his frank uncertainty about having to treat the Duke of York (and later the King of England) as just another patient, but also the awareness that that’s the only way he can help him. The relationship between Rush and Firth constitutes the heart of the film, and both actors rise marvelously to the occasion. Helena Bonham Carter is also delightful as the beloved Queen Mother and gets many of the film’s most delightful moments, such as when she has to take a moment to figure out how to use the lift down to Logue’s office. As we learn more about Bertie’s life as a member of the royal family, we can’t help but be amazed and grateful that he found and married such a wonderfully normal woman.
This is a film that should be seen by everyone, and especially anyone who has or who knows someone with a speech impediment, or a social handicap, or anything of the kind. It is a brilliant, touching, funny reminder that all great men are, first of all, just men.
In a nutshell, that is the premise of The King’s Speech. For those of us who have difficulty speaking, a crowded room or a face across the table is intimidating enough. For a man with a severe stutter to speak to the entire British Empire...words fail to convey how terrifying that must be. This film, however, succeeds.
For those who have no difficulty speaking, it can be hard to convey just how frustrating, how humiliating the sensation of not being able to say what you want can be. The King’s Speech makes sure everyone in its audience knows exactly how it feels in the very opening scenes, where Prince Albert (excellent Colin Firth, forever Mr. Darcy to me) has to deliver a short speech opening the British Empire Exhibition before a huge crowd. As he falters and begins to stammer every silence, every half-word, every inarticulate sound coming out of his throat is magnified a hundred times over, reflecting his shame and embarrassment. Later his father makes him practice with the Christmas broadcast the King has just finished giving. As Albert struggles through the first few sentences, his father yells at him: “TRY!” As if that was his problem.
Seeking help, Albert’s wife, Elizabeth (Helena Bonham Carter, also excellent) seeks out of the help of a rather unorthodox Australian speech therapist and failed-actor named Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush, excellent). And so begins a remarkable relationship between the Duke of York and this slightly eccentric colonial, which soon develops into a surprising friendship...perhaps the first real one the Duke has ever had, baring his wife. As Logue points out, he can help the stammering only to a certain extent: to really make progress he has to reach deeper to find the underlying issues, which will require Albert to confide in him.
The film evinces incredible understanding of those with speech difficulties, and any person watching who has such a problem will find themselves nodding in sympathy with poor Prince Albert as he struggles to so much as tell a bed-time story to his daughters. Also refreshing is how Albert (or Bertie has his family…and later Logue…call him) doesn’t make immediate progress. Indeed, he is never completely cured during the film, and the ending indicates that he never was. The important thing isn’t whether he stammers, it’s whether he can perform his duties with it.
Duty is something of a subordinate theme in this movie. One of the reasons Bertie’s speech therapy is so vital is that his brother, Prince Edward, is too wrapped up in his famous romance with Mrs. Simpson to attend to his duties as heir to the throne…even after their father dies and Edward becomes King. Edward is too completely taken in by Wallis Simpson to really understand the gravity of the situation…or the fact that Mrs. Simpson has ties to the Nazis.
This is dramatized in a scene where Bertie and Elizabeth visit Edward (Guy Pearce, who is, yes, excellent as a decidedly not excellent man) and Mrs. Simpson at a royal retreat in Scotland…where Edward has set Mrs. Simpson up and is holding a raucous party. He we have one of the most heart wrenching moments in the film. Bertie follows Edward around the castle, trying to convince him to do his duty, to impress upon him the seriousness of his position (“What of Kaiser Wilhelm? What of the Russian Czar? Where are they?”), and reminding him that he can’t marry a divorced, American, Nazi-supporting woman and be King. Edward cheerfully ignores him, until finally Bertie starts putting his foot down and demanding his brother act like a King. At this, Edward viciously resorts to mocking Albert’s stutter, bringing the discussion to a brutal halt. Here we see one of the worst parts of having a speech impediment: the fact that there is always something people can easily attack and there is nothing you can do about it. Like going through life with a gaping wound you can’t protect or cover. Albert can’t respond to Edward’s mocking, since any attempt to do so would only give him more fuel, more material to turn into mockery. All he can do is back down, despite the fact that he is clearly in the right.
The worst part about this scene is that, up to this point, Edward has been a fairly pleasant character: weak, but basically good natured. The two brothers have gotten along fine. It was only when Albert tried to disrupt Edward’s foolish little world that Edward turned on him. It’s a brutal, shocking scene.
There is another element to that scene, though, which is the thought that here is a man who’s speech impediment makes it impossible for him to stand up to his own brother. How can he be expected to stand up to Nazi Germany?
This very point is illustrated in another striking moment. Edward, of course, soon abdicates to “be with the woman I love” (bleh) leaving his infinitely more admirable brother with the unenviable task of being King of England. Not long after this, King George (as Albert is now called) sees his future nemesis in a newsreel and realizes that Adolf Hitler has exactly the power that the King of England so conspicuously lacks. A power he will need to develop if he is going to lead his people through another war with Germany. All this leads up to his pivotal moment: his first war time speech, with which he will have to rally his Empire to fight the most powerful army on Earth.
Despite the subject matter – the deaths of kings, the fates of Empires, World Wars – the film staunchly remains an intimate human drama…and occasionally a human comedy, in some hilarious moments in Logue’s therapy (including perhaps the least offensive stream of profanity imaginable) and in a repeated gag involving a single shilling. Then there is the delightful moment when Logue’s wife (whom he has not yet informed of the situation) returns home unexpectedly to find the Queen of England sitting at her table while the King and her husband panic in the other room (Logue’s wife, incidentally, is played by Jennifer Ehle, who played Elizabeth Bennet opposite Colin Firth’s Darcy. They get a brief moment to exchange a look that, while completely in character, comes across almost as a shared joke. As if that wasn’t enough, David Bamber, who played Mr. Collins, also shows up briefly, still oozing slime as if he never stopped). Completely floored, she finds herself asking their royal majesties to stay for dinner…an offer which the Queen graciously deflects to the relief of all.
The film abounds with well observed little character moments, such as the aforementioned bed-time story Albert tells his daughters (“We want a story about a penguin!”), which they adore despite the difficulty he had in saying it. After he is made king comes another moment with the girls, as they uncertainly courtesy to him instead of running for a hug. One of my favorite moments, however, comes almost at the end. As Albert prepares to give his all-important speech, Winston Churchill (Timothy Spall) informs him that he himself once had a speech impediment. It’s a good example of saying a lot with very little and relying on the audience to make the connection: Winston Churchill, one of the greatest orators of the twentieth century, himself once could not speak.
As the reasons for Albert’s speech impediment come to light, we begin to wonder how he turned out as well adjusted as he is. The slow, disjointed tale of abuse gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “oh, to be king!” As our sympathy for Albert builds, however, so does our admiration. Here is a man who never wanted to be king, who never thought to be king, and who never believed he could be king. “I’m not a king!” he sobs at one point, completely overwhelmed by the unfairness of his position. In another scene he sums up his whole, horrible position in remarkable speech. “If I’m a king, where’s my power?” he asks. “Can I declare war? Form a government? Levy a tax? No! And yet I’m the seat of all authority because they think when I speak I speak for them. But I can’t speak.”
But, unlike his brother, Albert does not abandon his post. With help from his friend and his loving wife, he manfully shoulders his duty and finds, to his immense surprise, that he is equal to it after all.
I myself have a very minor speech difficulty: I would hardly even call in an impediment, more of a slight stumbling block. It’s just enough that I have some inkling of what my friends who do have speech impediments go though, and I have seen the difficulty they sometimes have in this world that seems to think a stammer is an attempt to personally inconvenience it. That is one of the best things about this film: that it provides a window into what it is like to live that way. This is largely due to Colin Firth’s acting, which, as noted, is incredible. We feel his frustration as he struggles to get his words out, his shame when he simply cannot speak, his resentment and fear of those who expect him to simply “make himself” speak well. Compare his performance with the usual presentation of stutterers: actors simply repeating the first letter of a word a few times. Firth gulps, mouths soundlessly, makes inarticulate noise, everything that someone who really has this affliction does. In short, he actually seems to be trying to talk. His acting simply cannot be praised highly enough.
Geoffrey Rush also succeeds in his rather more conventional role. He does a wonderful job of showcasing Logue’s own personal doubts, as well as his frank uncertainty about having to treat the Duke of York (and later the King of England) as just another patient, but also the awareness that that’s the only way he can help him. The relationship between Rush and Firth constitutes the heart of the film, and both actors rise marvelously to the occasion. Helena Bonham Carter is also delightful as the beloved Queen Mother and gets many of the film’s most delightful moments, such as when she has to take a moment to figure out how to use the lift down to Logue’s office. As we learn more about Bertie’s life as a member of the royal family, we can’t help but be amazed and grateful that he found and married such a wonderfully normal woman.
This is a film that should be seen by everyone, and especially anyone who has or who knows someone with a speech impediment, or a social handicap, or anything of the kind. It is a brilliant, touching, funny reminder that all great men are, first of all, just men.
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