First off, sorry for the extremely long delay this time. I got too busy to do this review, then the longer it took the less inclined I was to resume the project. Now, though, I’m going to try to get back on schedule with a review a week.
Anyway, Cave Dwellers. Ah, Cave Dwellers! Another genuine milestone in the history of Mst3k! This episode begins the Golden Age of Mystery Science Theater 3000; a period from the beginning of the Third Season to the end of the Sixth which represents the canon, the essence, the ‘pure’ Mst3k. This marks the point where they really hit their stride.
This pivotal episode features a movie which will become famous in the annals of Mst3k. ‘Cave Dwellers’ tells the story of Ator(Miles O’Keefe); the massive-haired, giant-pecced hero of the oppressed of generically-barbaric history. Ator gets called upon by the daughter of a dreadfully dull old-man, who is a generic wise-man/ancient scientist. He’s discovered something called the ‘Geometric Nucleus’ which does something. We never find out what, but it’s enough for a genericbad-guy (notice a pattern here?) to attack the old-guy and try to steal it. The daughter runs off to find Ator, and, along with Ator’s sidekick, Thong (who is the most likeable character in the movie due to the fact that he never speaks), wander back to the old-guy’s castle, having pointless and time-wasting adventures along the way. Finally, they make it back and Ator bombs the castle from the air (seriously), kills the bad guy, and destroys the nucleus.
The film is bristling with stupidity and errors. Early on, the girl is told Ator lives at ‘The Ends of the Earth,’ which she apparently reaches within a few hours with an *arrow in her chest*. On the way back, though, it takes several days and numerous obstacles to get back. I guess she took the short-cut on the way there. Meanwhile, random bad-guys show up for a couple scenes and disappear, velvety monsters are fought, and awkwardly choreographed sword fights ensue whenever the filmmakers remembered they were making a barbarian movie, while the film abounds in continuity errors, ridiculous dialogue, plot holes, and all sorts of fodder for Joel and the bots to get their teeth into.
Miles O’Keefe is one of those actors who seem to have made an indefinable impression on the Brains; perhaps it was his massive hair and muscles, perhaps it was his humorously wooden delivery (his ‘NO!’ has to be heard to be believed). Most likely it was a combinations of all the above and his delightful tough-guy name which invites itself to so many puns (some ways down the line a host segment will present the menu item ‘Miles O’Beef’). At any rate, his contribution is a major part of what makes this film so enjoyably stupid and it is much appreciated. For his part Mr. O’Keefe apparently had a sense of humor about the whole thing and put in several appearances at Mst3k conventions.
Riffwise this is a very, very strong episode. The guys come out of the gate firing on all cylinders with numerous jokes on the wooden acting, Miles O’Keefe, the awful effects, Miles O’Keefe, the plot holes, Thong, and Miles O’Keefe to name a few. The jokes come thick, fast and hilarious, setting a new standard for the show.
The host segments are likewise amusing, although none of them are classics. The best is probably the first where they reenact the credits. So in summary a combination of good host segments, a hilariously bad movie, and great riffing make for an outstanding opening to the Golden Age of Mst3k.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel and the bots are talking about what names they would pick for themselves (Gypsy: “Mrs. Richard Basehart! Mrs. Richard Basehart!”). Pretty amusing. Joel acts like they’ve been off for a while; a nice way to open the new Season. And for some reason Servo has a fez and they’re all wearing bathrobes.
Invention: Dr. F makes some reference to ‘going through the asteroid belt;’ another nod to the new season. Joel invents the smoking jacket for people who know that smoking is cool but deadly. The Mads invent Robotic Arm-Wrestling. It’s pretty amusing, particularly Joel and the Bots cheering them on, and it features one of the final appearances of the mole people.
As they come in the credits are playing over a half-a-screen; the bottom half is black, the top plays scenes from a completely different movie (This was apparently distributed by the same company that did ‘Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster’).
Servo: “This is in shoebox-format)
Joel (on the credit for Miles O’Keeffe): “How much Keeffe is in this movie anyway?”
Servo: “Miles O’Keeffe.”
(on the ‘director of photography’ credit)
Joel: “Director of the top-half of the photography…”
Joel peaks over the top of the half-screen of the credits!
Cut to some Cave Men.
Servo: “This week on ‘Cave Dwellers’”
Crow (on cave-men eating): “Mmm, Grog tastes good!”
A narrator rambles about ‘savage, early man’ and the ‘few who have been touched by a higher power.’
Cave-Men attack:
Servo: “Playing center-spear, Og!”
Crow: “Playing defensive back-up, Oog!”
Joel: “and that right-hunchback is Org!”
Crow: “Hey, Grog just threw a bone into the air and it turned into a spaceship!”
Crow: “It’s an early version of West-Side Story. ‘Uhn, I just met a girl named Uhn!’”
Cut to a castle.
Servo: “Stately Wayne Manor.”
We meet an old wise man who speaks very…very…slow…ly.
Old Man (to his daughter): “I always wanted you to be wise.”
Servo: “But we’ll settle on looks.”
Old man shows his daughter his discovery…which Servo identifies as a rear-view mirror.
By the way, we never do find out what, exactly this discovery is.
Old Man looks at camera.
Crow: “What do you, the viewers at home think?”
Flashback to Ator’s history (read: previous movie).
Crow: “This is the part of the film we like to call ‘she had to ask.’”
Old Man: “Riba…”
Crow: “Son of Frogmar, keeper of the Seven Keys of Fintuzler…”
Crow: “Jeeze, Tolkien couldn’t follow this plot!”
Ator fakily cuts a zombie’s head off.
Servo: “Ooh, how graphic!”
Ator pushes a gong on a bad guy.
Servo: “Ooh, he’s been gonged.”
Crow: “He’d never killed that big a puppet before.”
Ator: “That exercise works. I can feel it here…”
Crow: “Wait, where’s my shirt?”
End flashback.
Daughter: “Father, tell me…”
Servo: “Again?”
All: “NO!”
Girl is sent off to find Ator…
Crow: “Music by the Super Mario Brothers.”
Hilarious bit where a guy leading a bunch of horseman randomly calls ‘Follow me!’ then spends a few seconds orientating his horse.
Anyway, bad guys attack the castle.
Old Guy: “When you seem to have reached the ends of the Earth…”
Crow: “Ask for Earl.”
Bad guys rough up old guy, knocking over a shelf.
Joel: “That’s my spice rack!”
The bad guy wears a swan helmet! A swan helmet!
Pause-filled conversation between bad guy and old guy.
Bad guy laughs evilly.
Joel: “Ha ha! Oh, observational humor.”
First Host Segment: Joel and the Bots do a more lucid version of the credits. It’s pretty amusing, especially the credits they provide. ‘Tom Servo as that really dull old guy.’ ‘Continuity by ‘.
Come back to find the girl in a fight with some bad-guys…she gets shot in the chest with an arrow.
Servo: “You idiot, we don’t even have a doe license.”
Joel: “Why is she limping?”
Crow: “She’s got an arrow in her chest.”
(old guy and bad guy climb stairs)
Crow: “Use the hand-rails. I invented them for a reason.”
(Ator holds up a HUGE sword)
Joel: “Made this in shop-class; it’s a letter opener.”
(quick and random cut to an owl and back)
Crow: “Hey did you just turn into an owl and then back real fast?”
And girl comes sliding in (apparently she walked to the ends of the Earth with an arrow in her chest).
Crow: “Look out, it’s wet there, I just mopped.”
And Ator provides some rather goofy first aid.
Servo:”Hey, he’s washing with lava.”
Crow: “The soap?”
Servo: ”No, the real thing.”
Servo: “I could be wrong but this arrow may have something to do with it.”
Cut back to evil guy and old guy.
Bad guy is reading a scroll.
Servo: “Wait a minute…this is the Magna Carta!”
Back to Ator etc.
Ator is writing something, leading to a great gag where Servo acts like he’s writing down the dialogue (“How many ‘A’s in ‘danger’?)
Servo: “What do you think he’s writing?”
Crow: “The script?”
Ator: “First you must prove to us that you are the daughter of the Great One.”
Crow: “If you can look bored and speak haltingly, you’re in!”
And they provide a stupid test for her; they lock her in a cell and challenge her to get out.
Servo: “What would MacGyver do?”
And she gets out by blowing up the cell.
Servo: “I suppose she could’ve tried the lock.”
Crow: “You owe me fifty-bucks for the door.”
Bad guys
Bad Guy: “Let me introduce you to Sandor.”
Crow: “You can call me Sandy.”
Old guy does another long, dull speech.
Long pause:
Crow (whispering): “Say something! Line!”
Servo (same): “Come on, fake it!”
Sandor casts some magic and we cut to Ator and co. walking through some fog.
Servo: “We’re getting close to Ridley Scott now.”
And Ator and his sidekick lose the girl.
Servo: “After exhausting every possibility, the men move on.”
They’re attacked by ‘invisible’ attackers (Read: They mime getting hit and make complete fools of themselves).
Joel: “I don’t believe it they were too cheap to hire villains in this thing!”
Servo: “So, let’s recap the action so far.”
Joel: “Uh, nothing really.”
Servo: “Uh, you’re right. Let’s move on.”
And Ator and his sidekick, Thong (seriously, that’s his name), defeat the ‘invisible attackers’ by throwing their capes onto them.
Crow: “Ah! Now they’re scarier!”
(As they move on)
Joel: “Don’t they want their capes?”
Crow: “No, they’d have invisible blood on them.”
And the girl is attacked by some cave dwellers and captured (she’s a girl, you see).
Crow: “These must be the Cave Dwellers!”
Servo: “That’s right, thirty-five minutes into the film and we’re finally at the first plot point.”
As are three bad guys randomly wandering around the same cave (leading to very funny ‘Three-Stooges’ style gag from the guys).
(on the cave-dweller’s random muttering)
Crow: “Ojibiwa! Wait minute, I invented a word!”
(On the cave chief)
Joel: “I am a noble savage.”
Joel: “Tuesdays are human sacrifice day at the sizzler.”
(cave dweller rips out a guy’s heart)
Servo: “I think Tony Bennet left that in San Francisco.”
(Cave dweller chief eats heart)
Servo: “I want a Barney Clark Bar.”
(as Ator approaches the cave where all this heart-eating is taking place)
Crow: “*sniff* Mmmm, something smells good!”
And now they go to do the same to the girl and Ator just…kinda sits there.
(on Ator’s inactivity).
Joel: “I’ve got a wonderful Grinchy idea!”
Second Host Segment: The fancy, fantasy names given to the ordinary props. It’s pretty quietly amusing.
And Thong is randomly wandering around the cave while Ator and girl do likewise.
Joel (as Thong scratches something on the cave wall): “For a good time call Thong…”
Joel: “By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes.”
Cut to bad guy admonishing Sandor.
Servo: “Bad country singer! Bad Willie!”
(Sandor looks a bit like Willie Nelson, see)
Bad guy: “Flog him!”
Crow: “Thank you sir!”
(as Sandor is carried off to prison)
Servo: “Okay, I’ll do linking rings. I’ll do ball-in-a-cup. I’ll do metamorphosis! Wait! Wait!”
And back to Ator etc, now running through a wood.
Girl: “I sense the presence of something evil.”
Crow: “That’s you.”
Ator: “Ever since we left the cave, I’ve had the feeling we’re being followed.”
Joel (as Thong): “Uh, that’s me boss, I’m right behind you.”
And three samurai just kind of show up.
Servo: “Oh, no, they’ve jumped into a Kurosawa film!”
Crow: “So it’ll start making sense?”
(low angle shot of Ator)
Joel: “I’m HUGE!”
And a lamely choreographed fight scene ensues.
Servo: “You know, the reason this scene is so good is that we care about the characters.”
Crow: “We do. I mean, we do?”
Servo: “We really do.”
And they kill the samurai, and we cut to the Bad Guy.
Bad Guy (after another pause-filled statement): “What do you say to that?”
Crow: “I say…YOU COULD DRIVE A MACK TRUCK THROUGH YOUR CUES! TEMPO! TEMPO! PICK IT UP!”
Bad Guy (to old guy): “You’re wonderful.”
Crow: “Marry me.”
And back to Ator etc. Thong is fishing while Ator cooks and the girl…just kind of wanders.
Girl: “Do you think my father’s still alive?”
Servo: “Oh, sure. *snort*”
And now it’s night and Thong captures some random people.
Ator: “What do you want?”
Servo: “Hey, look, you captured us!”
And the prisoners tell a tale of woe.
Ator: “The huns have always demanded the blood of man.”
Crow: “Yeah, they’re funny that way.”
Cut to random village, where they’re taking volunteers to be sacrificed to the bad guys.
(scrawny guy steps forward)
Joel: “Uh, you, never mind.”
Ator shows up.
Joel: “It’s speedy-delivery guy and has he got a package!”
Joel: “Who is this gentle stranger with pecs like melons and knees of fringe?”
Ator: “Where is Ravany?”
Village Leader: “Ravany has left us.”
Crow: “Because he had nothing to do with the film.”
Ator: “He was a proud, courageous man.”
Servo: “But dumber than a bag of hammers.”
Ator: “You must not lose heart.”
Crow: “Or some guy will eat it.”
And Ator starts shouting plans without anyone agreeing to help. He just walks up the line and orders them to fight.
Bearded Village-Guy: “I want to fight.”
Crow: “For my right to party!”
And the village leader gives Ator some wine, which, being an idiot, he drinks without question.
Crow: “Drink it all. Sometimes the poison’s on the bottom.”
Crow (evilly): “Are you done with your, heheheh, drink?”
(Low angle shot of Ator falling over)
Crow: “Timber!”
(on a shot of Thong after Ator faints)
Joel: “Alright, now we call this film the ‘Thong Dwellers’!”
More random bad guys show up.
Crow: “I think it’s the Kurds.”
Servo: “And Whey?”
Crow: “Yes, Whey.”
And the bad guys kill everyone and raise the village.
Ator gives a big ‘No!’ that has to be heard to be believed.
As Ator and the girl are distressed by the fire.
Servo: “Uh, this is just a wild idea, but how about moving to the other side of the pole where the fire isn’t?”
And abrupt cut to the headquarters of these new bad guys (look, don’t ask, just go with it)
(cut to a sharp-dressed bad-guy)
Crow: “I’m the best-looking man in the middle ages! My, my, my!”
And the main bad guy shows up with some gold and a few girls to be sacrificed.
Girl: “It would be less repugnant to be strangled by a thousand serpents than to have to endure your smile.”
Joel: “I see. What does repugnant mean? Ah, no matter.”
Crow (as bad guy turns to Ator): “You don’t think I’m repugnant, do you?”
(Bad guy pokes one of Ator’s pecs.)
Servo: “Ding….dong!”
Bad guy leaves and secondary bad guys start sacrificing girls…
Servo: “Wait a minute, folks, we have snakes growling here.”
Servo: “Oh, look, anal retentive snakes; they lined up the skulls.”
And Thong cuts Ator loose and another lame fight scene breaks out. (including a funny bit where one of the bad guys visibly struggles to get his sword out of its scabbard)
Third host segment: Joel explains about foley artists (sound-effects creation). It’s pretty amusing, especially the ‘handy Hollywood Meat-sticks.’ And the box full of hamsters (just add milk).
Back to the movie, Ator fights a big rubber snake puppet.
Joel: “It’s the mother-loving pigeon of all sock-puppets.”
(Girl just sits there and screams)
Servo: “Uh, you know, you can jump in here any time…”
Servo: “Just cut the wires Ator!”
And after that completely pointless tangent, they arrive at the old-guy’s castle.
Servo thunks his head against Ator’s chin!
Ator: “We’ll have to fight them.”
Girl: “Just the three of us?”
Crow: “No, just me; you were a big help with the snake.”
Ator: “I’ll keep them busy outside.”
All: “Mwuahahahaha!”
And Ator produces a Hang-glider out of nowhere.
Servo does a funny little ‘Ator flying’ song.
(shot of Ator flying)
Servo: “Gomez! I invented the wheel!”
And he flies over a castle that looks entirely different from the one in the movie.
(when the old guy tells bad guy he taught Ator the ‘theory of flight,’ bad guy hits him)
Crow: “Theory of flight? I’ll teach you the theory of fist!”
Servo: “Well, it looks like heflew into 17th century Bulgaria and that’s Mad Ludwig’s castle there.”
And Ator starts bombing the bad guys (yes, he invented bombs along with the hang-glider)
Crow: “Alright you crummy rats, Henry Kissinger says Merry Christmas!”
(A bomb sends an obvious dummy flying.)
Servo: “My God, they hit Charlie McCarthy!”
Cut from Ator landing in a field to Ator landing on the battlements.
Joel: “and I suppose he’s got a tank in the courtyard now.”
Crow: “Yeah, and it’s made out of coconuts.”
Bad guy starts beating old guy for the macguffin.
Bad Guy (to Ator): “I’m not afraid of you!”
(Ator swings at him)
Servo: “Well, maybe a little.”
And Bad Guy and Ator fight. Ator proves dumb as a post by giving the bad guy his second sword.
Crow: “He’s not much without his hang-glider, is he?”
And then Ator gets the advantage, but Old Guy randomly tells him not to kill Bad Guy so he can be tried by the ancient United Nations, or something.
Joel: “Oh, he’s making that up!”
Servo: “So, what the heck did I hang-glide in here for anyway.”
And Thong kills Bad Guy anyway.
Joel: “Hey, thanks a lot Thong. I’ll visit you in prison, bake you a rice-cake with a saw in it, buddy.”
Ator leaves…
And we cut to nuclear explosion while the narrator says something about the macguffin getting destroyed. Whatever.
Crow: “Well, this is neat, but what the heck does it have to do with the movie?”
And cut to Ator riding a horse.
Joel: “He probably built that horse.”
Servo: “Yeah, out of mud and sticks.”
And there’s a very clear shot of some tire-tracks.
And we cut off into the credits, which are more shots from that completely different movie from the opening credits.
(on the hair styles)
Crow: “No, no, the Mohawk goes the other way; you look like a turkey!”
Final host segment: The errors in the film (Joel pulls a great face and Servo does a great little growl). Servo calls this the worst film they’ve ever shown them. The Mads: “What do you want from us? We’re evil! Evil!”
Stinger: “Thong? The fish is ready.” Yeah, that’s an odd moment, but in the film this good, I’d have gone for Ator’s ‘No!’ or something.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. First Spaceship to Venus
7. Rocketship XM
8. Moon Zero Two
9. Godzilla vs. Megalon
10. The Crawling Hand
11. Catalina Caper
12. King Dinosaur
13. Jungle Goddess
14. Wild Rebels
15. The Corpse Vanishes
16. Ring of Terror
17. Untamed Youth
18. The Slime People
19. Project Moonbase
20. The Sidehackers
21. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
22. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
23. Cave Dwellers
24. Hellcats
25. Rocket Attack USA
26. Robot Holocaust
27. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Really bad, but goofy movie with some excellent riffing and amusing host segments makes for a very strong episode to open a new era with.
Final Rating: 9/10.
