Another Gamera film, and this one sees Gamera in full on heroic “friend to all children” mode. In other words, this is a kid’s film, complete with an annoying kid sidekick for Gamera in the form of Ichi (whose name is appropriate, since he’s as painfully irritating as a bad itch). Ichi is, if anything, even worse than Kenny: self-righteous, sanctimonious, and with a voice that could cut glass (though at least Gamera is actually a good guy here, so he’s not as creepy).
Still, it’s not all bad: there’s a surprisingly strong subplot about a road crew being obstructed by a community of farmers who are trying to extort higher prices from the construction company. Normally the film would be all on the side of the farmers, with the road crew being greedy and ‘nature-killing’ capitalists. Here, though, the film is more on the side of the road crew, with the farmers being depicted as artificially creating trouble for the workers to try to extort more money from the construction company. At the same time, the farmers aren’t wholly unsympathetic either: their desire to get the highest price they can for their land is presented as reasonable, though the extent they go to that end is frowned upon. The unexpected nuance here sets the film in a higher category than most of the Gamera films.
Finally, Gyaos herself is a pretty cool monster: vicious and deadly, with a good design that makes her seem like a monstrous vampire bat. Her sonic beam, however, is pretty lame-looking, even by the standards of the day (even in its cheapest moments, the Godzilla series never had beams that looked that bad) and her weakness is basically the same as Barugon’s, only with sunlight instead of water. Still, she comes off better than most Gamera villains, and you can see why she became his arch-nemesis.
Riffwise, this is another solid episode, with numerous quips about the monsters and the ridiculous plans to defeat Gyaos. Japanese monster movies are, of course, rich riff-material, even the better ones, and this is certainly no exception, with lots of jokes about the goofy effects and the evil Ichi. Host-segments are similarly solid, with the stand-out being the “Arts and crafts" sketch, which features some hilariously dark turns from the 'bots.
So, in summary, Gamera vs. Gyaos is another excellent episode from a strong season.
Opening: Crow and Tom are in riff-overdrive and are stuck imagining Lucille Ball and Harvey Fierstein.
Invention exchange: The Mads invented printers that print your self-image. Frank is a clown, Dr. F is Miss Ohio. Joel has a fax-machine Kleenex dispenser. He ends by destroying the cure for the common cold. They’re both pretty amusing.
They always have fun whenever anyone is credited as ‘planner.’
Crow: “And the student body of Yale as the townspeople.”
Reporter wonders whether Gamera is still benevolent. I don’t know, he wasn’t all that benevolent last time (though granted he had about three minutes of screen-time).
Businessman: “The whole country is watching to see if we finish the road on time.”
Joel: “They’re starved for entertainment.”
Farmers are refusing to sell their land, which is delaying the road work.
Interestingly enough, the film sympathizes with the road-building company and portrays the farmers as just trying to get as much money as possible.
Girl: “The chief is calling you.”
Servo: “What, Sitting Bull?”
Chief orders workers to keep working despite the recent volcanic eruptions.
Servo (as the foreman): “I should’ve taken that job at Honda.”
Cut to a helicopter surveying the volcanoes, which gets cut in half by a yellow beam.
Then to reporters mobbing the authorities.
Crow: “I’m a doorman! Leave me alone!”
And cut to the two goofy comic relief guys meeting a mob of protesters.
Crow: “Oh, no, it’s the cast of head-injury playhouse!”
Foreman: “Where’s the headman?”
Servo: “We’re a mob, we don’t need a head man!”
And a cute girl shows up and shoos the workers away.
Call back to ‘Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy.’
Old man is conspiring with the other farmers to make as much trouble as possible so the road men will pay more.
Crow: “Let’s rape the land! Come on!”
Workers find the camp wrecked.
Now we meet Ichi, who is even more annoying than Kenny, if you can believe it, who meets a reporter looking for a story.
(Ichi plays with his slingshot)
Crow: “Die, frog, die!”
Servo (on the music): “It’s Yoyo Ma!”
Crow: “My mama was a saint!”
Joel: “No, no, Yoyo, Crow.”
Ichi and reporter investigate a cave they find.
Joel: “It sounds like someone is leaning on their organ.”
Ichi: “Look at that!”
Servo: “It says abandon hope all ye who enter.”
There’s a cave-in and the reporter panics and leaves him (I can’t say I blame him, all things considered).
And he gets eaten by Gyaos.
Servo: “Welcome to this week’s edition of ‘Eat the Press.”
Servo: “I don’t know where my friend went but there’s a pile of poop here with shoes in it.”
And Ichi runs out of the cave to find Gyaos emerging from the earth (so how did she eat the reporter?)
Ichi gets trapped under rock, Gaos goes to eat him, I’m rooting for the monster…
And Gamera shows up.
Servo (as Gamera): “Hey, I stick my neck out for nobody, kid.”
And Gaos wastes a lot of time posing when she could be chowing down on the fat kid.
First host segment: Joel feels arts and crafty today and teaches viewers how to make Gaos while Crow and Servo toss off useless and dangerous advice for the kids (“Mucilage does not taste just like honey, from one who knows”). It’s quick, quirky, and very funny.
Gamera bleeds ‘primordial ooze.’
Joel: “Come on it takes a real turtle to cry, Gamera, let it out!”
And Gamera saves the kid. Boo!
Gamera then dumps him on his back and takes off. Right, I’m sure the kid would stay on easily.
Joel (as Ichi): “I’m tripping big time!”
And Gamera lands right in the middle of the town…without killing anyone or destroying anything. You know, this movie isn’t very believable (hang on, gentle viewer, you ain’t seen nothing yet).
There’s some rigamarole and they get Ichi off his back.
Crow (as Gamera): “Like I live to serve you! I’m outta here.”
They keep mixing up Ichi with Kenny. It’s understandable.
And the kid suddenly is sitting at the head of a military tribunal, repeatedly interrupting the scientists.
Scientist: “I have a little data on this…”
Crow: “Ichi did an etch-a-sketch.”
Incidentally, I suspect the scientist is dubbed by George Takei. Awesome!
He even comes up with a theory of how Gaos produces her ray after hearing about her five minutes previously.
They settle on killing Gaos. As Crow says “Good plan.”
Joel: “Random bombing should do the trick.”
Planes are all shot down.
Joel (as a thoughtful-looking Ichi): “I wish to play with clay now.”
Cut to Gamera underwater…
And back to Ichi.
Ichi hugs his sister
Servo: “Did you ever see ‘The Last Emperor’ sister?”
Cut to Ichi playing with his cars.
Servo: “If the UN calls, I’m playing with my slot-cars.”
Ichi: “Don’t touch them, sister!”
Crow: “They’re part of the set, now we can’t do the next scene!”
Great ‘multiplying helmets’ gag.
Workers all leave, except for comic-relief duo and the foreman.
It’s established that Gaos is nocturnal (no one except Ichi was keeping track).
Second Host Segment: Gammeradammerung opera. They only get three words in before movie sign.
The military uses lights to keep Gaos down.
Comic-relief guys are supposed to be keeping watch, they fall asleep of course.
Gaos shows up indeed, military opens fire. It works about as well as you’d expect.
Servo (as Gaos): “Friends, Romans, Countrymen, would you let me talk?”
Gaos blows the military away then flies off.
Gaos attacks city, naturally. Model work is really bad.
Joel: “No! Not Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood!”
Citizens assemble at a stadium to be under the lights.
Group of guys take Gaos’ picture
Crow: “Hey, you guys took my soul!”
Gamera shows up to fight.
Joel and the bots do a ‘Gaos’ cheer.
Gaos hits Gamera
Servo: “Tragedy struck at the midland tilt-a-wheel today…”
(on Gaos using her ray)
Servo: “I bet the hole in the ozone is this bird’s fault.”
Gamera crashes into a ship:
Crow: “Hey, he hit the Popeye convention!”
Sun starts rising.
Crow: “Oh, great, now you’ve made the sun-god mad. Good one.”
Gaos cuts her own toe off to escape the rising sun.
Scientists examine the severed toe, which is shrinking.
Cut back to Gaos in her cave, painfully re-growing her toe.
Scientists…
Joel: “It’s true: You’re impotent as a dish-rag Phil.”
They learn that sunlight destroys Gaos.
Back to Gaos for a hilarious moment where she accidentally drops a rock on her new toe.
And the scientists hatch a plan to kill Gyaos by keeping her out in the sunlight
Scientist: “There has to be a way, let’s think about it.”
Joel: “Where’s Ichi?”
And Ichi bursts in.
Girl: “You’re interrupting an important meeting, don’t you see?”
Joel (as Ichi): “You’re fired!”
Their plan is to make Gyaos dizzy by spinning her around quickly so she’ll be too dizzy to fly away.
(and yes, it is fully as goofy as you think)
They note that Gyaos must weigh ‘twenty-five ton.’ Twenty-five?! Yeah, maybe if she were filled with helium.
They’re planning on spraying fake blood to lure Gyaos to the spinning platform, as the foreman explains to the two comic relief guys
(Foreman picks up the phone)
Crow: “Yeah, I’m sending over a couple of blood donors mwahahaha!”
Joel: “It’s an army of meter men!”
Farmers try to sell land, Foreman explains that work has stopped and they might change the course.
Crow: “Now I’ve got this monster thing to deal with!”
Old man berates farmers for ‘weakening.’
Crow: “Hey, could you get the subplot out of the road? We’re trying to kill a monster here!”
All (singing): “53 bottles of blood on the wall, 53 bottles of blood! Take one down, write pig on the wall…”
Third host segment: Joel is Gyaos the Great, doing turtle spinning while Servo whispers instruction. Very funny, especially Servo and ‘Gromit the Wonder Dog’ in the beginning. Crow is also great as the host.
So, they spray the blood, Gyaos flies over, but seems uninterested.
Crow: “Okay, let’s face it, he likes blood but not the way you make it.”
Joel: “It’s the last resort, but send up the peel-n-eat humans.”
There she goes, she lands and starts slurping it down.
Then they spin her.
Servo: “Woah, either I’m spinning or this is some really good blood here!”
By the way, how fast was that revolving restaurant built to spin?”
Worker 1: “Something wrong!”
Worker 2: “Nothing serious!”
Joel: “We’re just gonna die, that’s all.”
And the power goes just as the sun comes up.
Joel: “Uh, that’s us getting crushed, isn’t it Steve? We’re dead aren’t we?”
As the scientists watch Gyaos smash up the place.
Crow: “Make a fountain of blood, I oughta…”
Wait, so Gyaos has a built in fire extinguisher?!
As Gyaos flies over
Servo: “Uh, honey, could you hand me that ‘Birds of Japan’ book?”
Reporter notes that the plans to stop Gyaos have ‘failed miserably.’
Servo: “So, what is this, How Green was my Valley all of a sudden?”
Farmers get mad at old man because the road is being moved after all and they won’t be able to sell.
Joel: “You blamed me for the top soil too!”
And Ichi saves him by throwing his toys at the mob.
Servo: “Get a pencil under his tongue, quick!”
Actually rather touching bit where the old man slowly picks up Ichi’s toys.
Ichi insists that Gamera wouldn’t have any trouble dealing with Gyaos, apparently forgetting that he tried once and failed miserably.
Ichi: “Then he could come here and burn up all the men who were mean to grandpa.”
Crow: “Uh, you’re getting into a weird area there, Ichi.”
Ichi hits on the plan of just lighting a fire to attract Gamera. And the reason no one else has thought of this is…?
Grandpa brings his plan to the military. Actually rather nice bit.
(as they start cutting down trees)
Servo: “The logging industry! Over three billion down! We work for you while we work against you!”
And Gyaos just puts out the fire. Maybe they should set the fire during the day?”
Ichi: “Ah! Gamera!”
Crow: “I’ll have my candy now!”
Ichi: “I told you he’d come, didn’t I?”
Servo: “Great, why don’t you go out and say hi?”
Crow: “Ah! So he finally learned how to duck.”
Joel: “I guess he remembered he had a shell.”
Gamera and Gyaos fight…
Gamera introduces his ‘rear-jets propulsion’
Ew, Gamera bites a bit off of Gyaos.
Gamera takes one glancing blow to the tail and collapses. God, he’s a wimp.
Gyaos picks up Gamera and starts dropping him several times.
Servo: “Hey, isn’t this how Aeschylus died?”
(It is: eagle dropped a turtle on his head).
Crow: “Hey, he’s supposed to be the hero and he’s getting the snot kicked out of him!”
Really goofy bit where Gamera throws a rock into Gyaos’s mouth.
Gyaos has pink blood.
Joel: “Oh, I can’t watch this! I’ve grown to know that character so well!”
Ichi: “Be careful now Gamera!”
Servo: “Hey, no coaching from the sidelines, shrimp.”
Gamera flies off carrying Gyaos
Crow: “Oh, what, Gamera has a luggage rack?”
Gamera dumps her into a volcano.
Foreman decides to start work on the road again, in the same place.
Everyone stops to thank Ichi for…something.
And we suddenly get repeats of scenes from this movie and the last two…for no reason.
Joel: “Here are scenes from next week’s Gamera!”
They identify these as outtakes.
Final host segment: They talk about how lame the attempt to kill Gyaos was in this film and come up with some of their own. They ask the audience for theirs and Frank sends one in, also coming up with a plan to 86 Dr. F.
Stinger: Two comic relief guys. Meh, I would have gone with the spinning Gyaos.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Gamera vs. Barugon
5. Mad Monster
6. Lost Continent
7. Gamera
8. Gamera vs. Gyaos
9. First Spaceship to Venus
10. Stranded in Space
11. Rocketship XM
12. Moon Zero Two
13. Godzilla vs. Megalon
14. The Crawling Hand
15. Catalina Caper
16. Daddy-O
17. King Dinosaur
18. Jungle Goddess
19. Wild Rebels
20. The Corpse Vanishes
21. Ring of Terror
22. Untamed Youth
23. The Slime People
24. Project Moonbase
25. The Sidehackers
26. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
27. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
28. Cave Dwellers
29. Tim of the Apes
30. Pod People
31. Hellcats
32. Rocket Attack USA
33. Robot Holocaust
34. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Another very strong episode, with a semi-decent movie and some excellent riffing and host-segments.
Final Rating: 7/10.
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