This is one of my all-time favorite episodes. Naturally it would be; it features a Godzilla movie, and I am a huge Godzilla fan. Not only that, but it features one of the worst of the Godzilla movies; a film which richly deserves its mockery. Of course, being a Godzilla movie it’s still pretty fun to watch even without the Brains. The story goes that nuclear tests in the pacific have caused great destruction in the undersea kingdom of Seatopia (yeah, they rushed this one). In retaliation, the rather humiliatingly dressed Seatopian king unleashes Megalon, a giant beetle with drill bits for hands, to destroy Japan (odd, considering that’s one country that could not possibly have been responsible for the tests, although no one points this out). In addition his agents steal the robot ‘Jet Jaguar’ (possibly the single most hated Godzilla monster ever) from its inventor, his friend, and his brother (who serve as our main heroes) to act as Megalon’s guide. There’s some rigmarole involving car-chases, fights, and a very cool scene where Megalon bursts a dam then the good guys get JJ back under their control and send him to fetch Godzilla. Megalon wanders around for a bit, then suddenly decides he doesn’t need a guide and destroys Tokyo (kind of). JJ then gains free will, which apparently includes the ability to grow a hundred-and-fifty-feet tall, and proceeds to fight Megalon. Then the Seatopians unleash an outsourcing Gigan (conversely one of Godzilla’s coolest foes) and JJ gets thoroughly trounced, only being saved (boo!) when Godzilla shows up. There’s a lengthy fight, with Godzilla handling most of the work, then Gigan and Megalon both flee and JJ returns to his small, servile state…for now.
Like I said, the movie is pretty fun in itself, with lots of monster goofiness to go around. Added to that, though, is perhaps the strongest riffing yet heard on the show. The jokes come fast and hard and are almost universally hilarious. Riffs on the special effects, the lame dubbed-in-script, the odd set design, and the skin-peelingly annoying kid abound.
Added to that are a series of great host segments, beginning with the amusing invention exchanges, building to Crow and Tom’s monsters, ‘Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy,’ and the closing segments with new arms for the bots, a hilarious translation of the ‘Jet Jaguar Fight Song,’ and some remarkably subtle puppeting from Trace Beaulieu.
But the third host segment stands on its own as one of the most brilliantly hilarious two minutes ever recorded on television. In the episode guide they describe it as “Orville Redenbacher and his grandson doing something akin to ‘A Long Day’s Journey into Night.’” I don’t think I really can explain it any better, except that it is perhaps the best host segment of all time; if not, it certainly is in the top five.
The only mar in this near-perfect episode comes at the very end; the Stinger. Here we have some of the goofiest moments of the fifty-plus (okay, it was nearly forty at the time) year old franchise and they pick…stock footage of Godzilla jumping off a cliff. Come on! That had to be some editor’s goof, right?
Despite this one flaw, you’ve got a movie that’s a lot of fun on its own but truly deserves what it gets, some very strong riffing, and some excellent host segments, including an all-time classic not just of MST3k, but of television in general. One of the best episodes of the whole series.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: What to expect on this show (parodying variety-news shows). Pretty funny; especially Crow.
Invention Exchange: Quick Halloween Costumes. This bit comes straight from Joel’s stand-up act. It’s very amusing; especially Servo going as a missing child (“Have you seen me?”). The Mads do the same (Dr. F is the goalie of a foosball team). Very funny.
Narrator: “…The second underground nuclear test took place…”
Joel: “But it wasn’t as good as the first one.”
Narrator: “This is what happened.”
(explosion)
Crow: “It blew up; what’d you expect?”
Some stock footage from ‘Destroy all Monsters’ (including cameos by Rodan and my all-time favorite, Anguirus).
Crow: “Oh, whenever they test nuclear bombs it’s the monsters who suffer.”
Joel: “You know I kinda’ feel this opening segment is a metaphor for our souls.”
Cut to a kid on a water-toy in a mountain lake while two guys watch (no, we never find out much about their relation. Okay, the adults are friends and the kid is the brother of one of them, but other than that, nadda).
Joel (as guys watching the kid): “I can see; keep struggling for your life!”
Servo: “He’s drowning. Neat.”
Earthquake…kid’s in danger.
The guys just happen to have a rocket and some rope…
Kid: “Help me! Hurry up!”
Joel: “Hey, you’re in no position to make demands, kid!”
Joel: “Try not to get sucked into the vortex of Hell, Billy!”
Servo: “I guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn’t it?”
Crow: “Note to myself; never vacation on an active volcano.”
And the lake dries up (no, we never really find out why).
Crow: “This watery manifestation of a vengeful, wrathful god couldn’t’ve come at a worse time.”
(Cut to them in a car with mood-music playing)
Joel: “Well, let’s leave that pain behind; we’re swinging into high.”
Guys sagely discuss the misuse of nuclear tests (mentioning some lost continents)…
That kid sounds like he pissed off St. Blaise in a big way.
(on the blue-tinted ‘night’ shots)
Joel: “Looks like there’s a blue-moon out tonight.”
Crow: “I think it was shot ‘blue-for-night.’”
Guy: “Hey, listen; it’d be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot.”
Joel: “Yeah, it’d be funny if the earthquake killed your family.”
They go into the house…
(lights go on revealing some sort of appliance hanging from the ceiling)
Crow: “Oh, my God! The humidifier committed suicide!”
Oscar Wilde type shows up and attacks, quickly knocks the guys out, and leaves.
And the one guy takes off after bad guys in a lame car chase.
Back home they start cleaning up…
Car chase…
Servo: “Well guys I guess no matter how hard you try there’s just no way to make parallel parking exciting.”
(kid is picking up papers and magazines off the floor)
Crow: “Let’s see, Boy’s Life, Popular Science, Highlights…my own autopsy report!?”
Kid: “I found some funny powder.”
Joel: “Uh, that’s mine; just leave it alone.”
(High angle shot)
Crow: “Hey, God’s watching!”
They investigate the powder…cut to them working on the robot.
(welding shot)
Crow: “Industry! Creating a better world. Our most valuable resource: People!”
And the robot is now complete.
(Guy looking at the kid)
Crow: “Oh, how I loath him!”
(I know the feeling)
(guy on video screen)
Crow: “It’s the all-idiot channel.”
(guys talking in front of robot’s face)
Servo: “Hey, HAL is reading your lips!”
And they name the robot ‘Jet Jaguar.’
Guy: “That’s a great name!”
(cut to bad guys listening in)
Servo (as bad guy): “Jet Jaguar? What a stupid name!”
Bad guys capture kid…
(shot of kid looking sad on screen)
Crow: “I have shamed the family.)
First Host Segment: The bots design monsters to distract Joel from the naughty pictures they’re looking at. It’s a great sketch as Servo and Crow try to one-up each other (and features a great ‘Robert Frost’ pun).
Bad guys return, knock out good guys, occupy house.
Cut down to ‘Seatopia’ (don’t ask)
Anyway, Seatopia attacks the surface world with Megalon since nuclear tests have damaged their country.
Seatopia leader: “They have already destroyed a third of our country!”
Joel: “You just have to take my word for it.”
And a bunch of random explosions and sparks…
Servo: “I would say eye protection should be worn in this area.”
Servo: “He awakes with the worst special effects of the morning.”
(fade to black)
Joel: “So it was all a dream…”
Cut to guy and kid tied up in truck.
Crow: “If…I could…only get to…my utility belt…I invented it you know. Batman stole it from me.”
Other guy is tied up in the house (no, I don’t know why they didn’t either A, shoot them, or B, tie them all up together).
(Jet Jaguar takes off)
Joel: “What a day! I feel GRAND!”
(cut to guy and kid struggling with ropes)
Crow: “Oh, great! You tied us together!”
Truck driver: “The way I see it, it’s none of our business anyway. I mean we’re getting a hundred-thousand yen!”
Joel: “Yeah, great, what is that, like four bucks?”
(as guy tied up at home wakes up next to Oscar Wilde guy)
Crow: “Now I’m going to read you parts of ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray,’ and I want you to be honest with me.”
(kid unties guy in truck)
Servo: “Okay, gotta go; call me if you survive kid.”
Back-story on Seatopia (they lost me at ‘they eventually managed to create their own oxygen supply’)
Good guy escapes and heads out after truck…
Oscar Wilde guy: “My prisoner escaped…he’s also aware of the whole story of our mission here.”
Crow: “I got…sort of…chatty.”
Another car chase…
Crow: “I’m huge!”
Joel: “Action sequences filmed in Confuse-o-vision!”
Servo (after cars go down some steps and a steep incline): “I’ll have to remember that route; cuts fifteen minutes off my drive time!”
Servo: “Well, there’s a lot of congestion on the interstate this morning, you might want to consider taking an alternate route, say down the side of a steep mountain!”
Lame ending to chase…
(cut to random explosions as Megalon emerges)
Servo: “The gods do not approve of this inept car-chase sequence!”
(on Jet Jaguar, who has a disturbing Joker-like grin)
Joel: “Winged freak; wait’ll they get a load of me!”
Stock footage of evacuation, and the military coming in…
Good bit where they comment on the fakey-ness of the military.
(as they prepare to fire missiles)
Crow: “Phallic symbols at the ready sir.”
(on the military hardware)
Servo: “Boy, all this and they still can’t get the Comedy Channel!”
And they randomly decide to drop the box with the guy and kid over a dam.
Kid: “What now?”
Crow: “Scream. Die maybe.”
Crow (as kid): “I wet em’!”
(little later)
Servo: “I wet myself again!”
(later)
Servo: “That’s three times now. It’s starting to sting.”
Pretty funny running gag with Megalon giving Broadway performance speeches.
Second Host Segment: Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy! It’s really indescribable, but very amusing. This looks like it would be a fun show.
The only really impressive scene in this movie; Megalon bursts a dam (and probably most of the budget). It really does look good
(hero struggles with truck as dam starts to overflow)
Joel: “Pop the clutch, engage the ignition, check my blind spot…it’s flooded! Okay, start again…”
And the hero accidentally dumps his friends, Megalon whacks it into the air, they somehow survive.
Joel: “You know, that monster does not know the meaning of the word ‘around.’”
Joel (as Jet Jaguar): “I’m taunting you! Taunt!”
Guy: “Isn’t that Jet Jaguar?”
Servo: “No, it’s another superhero of your own design.”
Kid: “It’s a pity we can’t send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!”
Crow: “Yeah, and it’s a pity we can’t kill you and get away with it!”
Commander: “Open fire!”
Crow: “Kill indiscriminately!”
Joel (as Megalon): “I’d like to thank the good people of Seatopia for giving me these completely useless arms.”
And thanks to the wonder of stock footage, the tanks get blown up at night when they had been attacking during the day.
Anyway, they try to regain control of Jet Jaguar…
And of course it works. They send him to get Godzilla.
Really goofy scene where Megalon goes nuts.
Crow: “Looks like he’s having one of his episodes.”
And Megalon randomly gets attacked by some jets (in close ups, his hands turn into Gigan’s claws).
Crow: “Say, that’s a good view of the fiery hellbeast!”
And he’s back on track now. Whatever.
Kid: “Must have been evacuated.”
Joel: “That sounds painful.”
Kid and guy get model plains to help retake their house (you know, you’d think the military would help with that, seeing as how the house controls the robot that can save or destroy the world).
And Jet Jaguar meets Godzilla.
Servo: “What’s that? Dad’s trapped? In a coal mine? Down in dead-rock canyon? I see.”
Stock footage from ‘Vs. Sea Monster.’
Crow: “I can fly! I can fly! I can’t fly! I can swim…”
Major stock footage of Megalon attacking Tokyo; it’s just close ups of him firing and stock footage of destruction (it’s footage from ‘Ghidorah’ so there are frequently multiple beams blowing up the city). One of the worst destruction scenes in Kaiju Film history.
Joel: “We’ll eliminate all the ‘no pets’ strips in Asia if you’ll just stop!”
(Guy and kid start their mission)
Crow: “Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?”
Servo: “Not this kid.”
Servo: “Gee I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat.”
(cut to other guy driving during fight scene)
Crow: “I’m glad I’m not there.
(again)
Crow: “I’m really glad I’m not there.”
(guy arrives)
Crow: “Oh, shoot! Now I’m here!”
Wait, what was the point of that!? They just beat the guy up and leave!
Seatopian assistant guy: “We are sending you the monster Gigan, as you requested.”
Joel: “Unfortunately the color you ordered is out of stock.”
(shot of flashing light in space)
Crow: “Hey! Tinkerbells’ alive! Clap your hands everybody!”
(giant diamond appears)
Servo: “Diamonds are a girls best…”
(explodes)
Servo: “Woah! Guess not!”
And Gigan is on scene!
(Megalon blows up boat)
Crow: “Destroy the Loveboat; Kill Gavin McCloud.”
Now they’re back at home! Did they even have a continuity person? (I think the money for that went to the dam scene).
Jet Jaguar arrives at the house.
(Jet Jaguar give thumbs up)
Joel: “Up yours!”
(Jet Jaguar flies off)
Joel: “Haha! Try to catch me! You instilled me with free will! Try to catch me!”
So, the guy built the robot with the ability to ignore his orders. Great idea! Worked for Skynet.
And now JJ makes himself grow. Look, just go with it.
You know, even in bad movies like this Toho somehow knew how to give its monsters great expressions. For instance, Megalon’s expression in this scene is a clear ‘wtF!!!!????’
Guy: “Are you sure you want to go? It could be damn dangerous.”
Crow: “Daft dangerous? Don’t you mean Taft Treacherous?”
JJ and Megalon keep fighting…
Crow (as inspector Clouseau): “Kato, get off of me.”
Servo: “I know I should be excited and scared and all, but all I can think about are sweaty Japanese guys.”
Guy: “So he just programmed himself to increase his own size.”
Crow: “Oh, well that explains it…huh?”
Now Gigan arrives…
Joel (on Gigan): “It looks like Dumbo gone horribly wrong.”
Joel (as Jet Jaguar): “Well, looks like my job is finally done here. I can…woah!”
(Megalon surprise attacks him).
Servo (as Gigan): “And there on my forearms were hooks!”
Now JJ starts getting his ass kicked.
Crow: “You will bow down before me Jet Jaguar!”
Third Host Segment: Orville Popcorn sketch. This is one of the all-time greatest, possibly the greatest, sketch of the whole series; a hilariously dark send up of Orville Redenbacher and his Grandson. I really can’t describe it without spoiling it, but it’s one of the funniest two minutes of television ever recorded.
And Godzilla shows up (he really is a sidekick in his own movie here, sadly enough; JJ is the real focus).
(cut back to JJ getting his butt handed to him)
Joel: “Yeah, take your time Godzilla.”
Joel (on the monsters’ wild arm movements): “What are they signing for the hearing impaired?”
And they fight some more.
(Godzilla rips up a tree to fight with)
Crow: “He’s got a tree! He’s got a tree! This isn’t the Godzilla we know! He’s fighting dirty!”
Joel: “Hurst don’t it?”
Servo (as Jet Jaguar): “Godzilla? A tree? That’s not like you. Why? Why?”
And stock footage of Gigan cutting Godzilla (at night, by the way, while the rest of fight is during the day).
Servo: “And this one’s for ‘Rocky V.’ I haven’t seen it, but I hear it really sucks!”
(Godzilla sits on Gigan and pummels him)
Crow: “I hate you! I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you! Oh, I don’t like you I’ll..(gasp) What have I done!?”
Actually kinda cool bit where Gigan attacks from above and Megalon from below.
Hilarious bit where Godzilla walks right into a punch.
So, Godzilla pretty handily deals with Megalon, while JJ gets UTTERLY thrashed by Gigan!
Gigan takes JJ hostage!
Crow (as Godzilla): “Come on, you don’t want to do that man! I’m here! Take me!”
Joel (as Gigan): “Hey, I’m just crazy enough to do it!”
Servo (as Godzilla): “Come on, punks’s not worth killing!”
And Megalon surrounds Godzilla and JJ with a ring of fire (lots of ‘war-buddy’ quips).
Crow: “Whoops, snapped your spine; sorry.”
Joel: “You know one day Jonny Cash will write a song about that.”
And they fly out (Godzilla holds onto JJ’s shoulders).
Some more great expressions from Megalon and Gigan.
(Godzilla blasts Megalon down)
Joel: “He fell him like a mighty oak.”
Godzilla blasts Megalon in the crotch! Twice!
JJ graphically breaks Gigan’s arm! Ew!
And there goes Gigan…flies away.
And we get perhaps the single goofiest bit of the whole Godzilla series; the tail-slide (he runs and slides across the ground on his tail).
And Megalon flees too.
Servo: “No Japanese actors in rubber suits were killed during the making of this film.”
And Godzilla and JJ share a handshake and G walks off.
Kid: “Bye bye!”
All: “SHUT UP!!”
Kid: “Godzilla! Bye Bye!”
Servo: “Thanks for leveling our country!”
Crow (as JJ): “You’re next puny humans.”
And he shrinks again…and drops the free will.
Crow (as JJ): “Yeah, sure, you control me. Right. I’ll be home crushing your house!”
Guy: “We’ll warn the scientists to be more careful in the future and let Seatopia rest in peace.”
Joel: “I’m sure they’ll listen, they’re good that way.”
And the ‘Jet Jaguar Fight Song’ plays…it will scar you for life.
Final Segment: The bots get new arms. Crow gets a coat-hanger and a lobster claw. Servo gets a swiss-army knife and a flame-thrower (“I am the god of hell-fire!”). They also translate the Jet Jaguar Fight Song (“He Crime-fighting cover up basic insecurity”). Then they read a letter (some great puppeteering by Trace as Crow tries to eat some popcorn). An all around hilarious sketch! Frank gets a little too attached to his Mario game.
Stinger: Godzilla jumps off a cliff. Come on! They do this but not the tail-slide?! Or any of the other moments during the fight? Sloppy, sloppy. I rather suspect they intended it to be the tail-slide (cause really, what else could it reasonably be?), but some editor goofed it up and they didn’t have time to fix it.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. First Spaceship to Venus
6. Rocketship XM
7. Moon Zero Two
8. Godzilla vs. Megalon
9. The Crawling Hand
10. Catalina Caper
11. King Dinosaur
12. Jungle Goddess
13. Wild Rebels
14. The Corpse Vanishes
15. Ring of Terror
16. Untamed Youth
17. The Slime People
18. Project Moonbase
19. The Sidehackers
20. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
21. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
22. Hellcats
23. Rocket Attack USA
24. Robot Holocaust
25. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Fun movie, great riffing, and great host segments make for the best episode yet!
Final Rating: 10/10.
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