Just about anything would be an improvement over the previous episode, and King Dinosaur doesn’t disappoint.
The story is that a new planet has been discovered, dubbed ‘Planet Nova’ (why does no movie keep with the established convention of naming planets after classical deities?). Naturally, the government decides to send a manned expedition of two couples; one blond, one brunette, consisting of male Zoologist and Doctor and female Chemist and Geologist. Once there, they find basically the same environment, only they claim it’s ‘younger’ than Earth. Not once do they express any surprise at the fact that all the life on Nova is exactly the same as that on Earth, with only a few embiggened varieties (such as a giant bug of some sort which just kind of shows up at one point).
Eventually, they explore a nearby island which they have been kind of obsessing over. They find some dinosaurs of the ‘stuff-glued-on-lizard’ type, led by an iguana which they try to claim as a T-Rex. There are a couple fights accomplished by throwing the iguana in with a caiman and then a monitor lizard and letting them go at it. Viewed from a modern perspective, this is pretty disturbing as the animals are clearly actually fighting and being injured in the name of this stupid little Saturday-matinee flick.
Anyway, so they escape the island and blow it up with an atomic bomb (which they had around just in case) for no reason whatsoever. Then they go home. That’s…really about it. Oh, and in between there’s some stuff with an alligator, a lemur, a snake, and the aforementioned giant bug. It doesn’t really come together; the actors just wander around some state park or another and occasionally shoot something or get attacked by something, then leave.
There are two major firsts in this episode; the most obvious is that it has the first of the educational shorts; ‘X Marks the Spot,’ a bizarre little film on driving safety where an absurdly bad driver named Joe Dokes dies in a crash and is being judged for whether he can survive based on his driving record (it apparently doesn’t matter whether you loved anyone or did good deeds, or anything like that). It’s a brilliantly riffed piece, and it seems something clicked in the minds of the Brains; from here on in, they would only do a few more serial shorts and one or two television episodes. Every other short they would do from here to the end of the series would be an educational or informative short of some sort. These will be frequently brilliantly riffed; classic little humor films of almost unmatched hilarity. The classic Mst3k shorts will become a staple of the series, and ‘X Marks the Spot’ is the beginning of that great tradition.
The second first is that this film is the first exposure to the work of Bert I. Gordon. Gordon would go on to be the most riffed director of the entire series, with eight films viewed by the Brains. Gordon was actually a semi-competent filmmaker and a true auteur; most of his films he wrote, produced, directed, and did the special effects for (usually from a garage studio with help from his wife). His specialty was enlarged creatures. His movies, while never particularly great, were frequently amusing and occasionally interesting. What I found most interesting about this episode, from the perspective of what is to come in the series, is how they focus more on Robert Lippert, the film’s producer (and producer of several previous films, including ‘Lost Continent,’ ‘Jungle Goddess,’ and ‘Rocketship XM’). It’s almost like reading an early comic book issue where the Joker is a supporting villain to the Clock King or something; soon Lippert will be almost forgotten and B.I.G. will be the Brains’ primary opponent.
Riffwise, the episode is very strong; there are frequent hilarious riffs on the slow pace, the brainless science, and the various animals. There are some dry stretches (par the course for season 2), but there are enough laugh-out-loud moments to counter them.
The host segments are more mixed: the invention exchange, particularly Dr. F’s being accidentally squashed by an elevator, is hilarious. The first segment is good too; with several great lines from Crow. The next two segments are less successful; the ‘Joey the Lemur’ sketch is so bizarre and incoherent that it’s become fairly infamous, and even gets mocked in a later season by the Brains themselves. The ‘emotional scientists’ bit didn’t do it for me either. The final segment is alright, though; Joel has some funny moments with a Theremin.
In the end, a great short and some great riffing make for a strong episode marred by some lame host segments.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Beat poetry on the Satellite of Love a rather amusing look at a truly lame type of poetry; I like the bots’ beards too.
Invention exchange: Some amusing bits from Dr. F. And a hilarious bit where Frank accidentally crushes Dr. F in the elevator. He’s now the pocket scientist! Joel has ‘incredibly stinky sweat socks.’ This is one of the funniest exchanges yet, despite not having any real inventions. Mostly Dr. F sells the show.
Short: Their first educational short!
Joel (on the credits): “Webber, the grill magnate.”
Open with a lethargic, elderly commissioner speaking to the audience.
Commissioner: “The loss of life…of a war worker means a definite set-back to our war program.”
Crow: “If you kill yourselves here, we can’t kill them over there.”
Commissioner (on accident victims): “Just once in a while they were careless, or inconsiderate…”
Crow: “Or they didn’t want to live in New Jersey anymore.”
And we switch narrators for the next part of the short.
We meet Joe Dokes; an absurdly bad driver.
Joel: “Hot dog! I got a date with death!”
Okay, even in the forties and even if he’s really mad, would anyone try to cross the street by opening the passenger door, crawling through the car, and out the other side? I can’t blame Joe for that.
Narrator: “Now, there was a street-intersection not far from where Joe lived…”
Crow: “Called ‘Blood Alley.’”
(Guy prepares for seeing the crash by shutting his eyes and putting his fingers in his ears)
Servo: “Well, I guess he can’t be a witness.”
And Joe’s dead and a ghost.
(hand taps Joe on the shoulder)
Crow: “Are you George Bailey? Oh, sorry, wrong film.”
Angel: “You used to know ‘em.”
Servo: “They’re your pallbearers now.”
And they go to see the Judge.
Crow (as Judge): “I’ll be with you in a moment, I’m just sealing some fates”
Servo: “Excuse me, uh, pardon me your…uh, Mr. God?”
Servo: “Dear diary; It’s hard being God…”
Joe: “Good-morning, sir.”
Judge: “There are no good mornings here.”
Servo: “I’ll decide if it’s a good morning or not!”
Judge: “You were born in New Jersey, eh?”
Crow: “I thought I smelled something.”
(Joe is begging to be spared)
Joe: “Besides, I’ve got almost a whole book of eight coupons left!”
Crow: “Oh, you should have presented those immediately upon ordering!”
Angel: “He was always sneaking up behind and scaring pedestrians…”
Joel: “Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed that.”
Judge: “That description fitted someone else I know. If you know who I mean…”
Crow: “Hitler? Nah, he drove a stick.”
Another ‘I’m huge’!
Angel: “After that I never any trouble with Joe around schools; he’d crawl by at a snail’s pace.”
Servo: “Nursing homes though, woah!”
Judge: “Did he ever drive when he’d been drinking?”
Joel: “Oh, boy, I need my other scroll for that; that’s a doozy.”
Judge: “I want the whole truth.”
Servo: “So help me, Me!”
Judge: “I have book-full of those ‘just a cock-tale or two’ drinkers.”
Servo: “Jerk wouldn’t let me in their club.”
Judge: “Was there any traffic rule he didn’t violate?”
Joe: “Yes sir, I never hit-and-run.”
Joel: “Oh, well that changes everything!”
Angel: “He’d weave through traffic like a mouse-through-a-maze.”
Servo: “Squeaking and calling himself ‘Algernon’.”
Angel: “He, uh, stayed up with a sick friend…”
Judge: “He what?”
Servo: “He got plowed, okay?”
Judge (indicating the camera): “I leave that to this jury of drivers and pedestrians.”
Servo: “Oh, guilty; hang him! String him up! And get the director too.”
Joel: “Oh, great, we’re stranded in space and we still have to pull jury duty.”
I like Crow really getting into it.
First Host Segment: Crow wonders if he’s qualified (based on the end of the short). It’s a great little speech which becomes semi-inspirational then goes off the rails. “Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look.” A great bit and a tour-de-force for Trace Beaulieu.
And Robert Lippert is back.
Also features the first appearance of filmmaking auteur Bert I. Gordon, who will direct more Mst3k’d movies than anyone else.
Narrator: “On April 23rd, the word to start comes from Washington.”
All: “Start!”
(on a shot of an observatory)
Servo: “Then the world’s largest roll-on deodorant was invented.”
(shot of a metal being tested and snapping)
Crow: “Oops.”
Narrator: “Switch on for jet-engine test number 87!”
Servo: “Oh, so the announcer is calling the shots now?”
Narrator: “There is no margin for error.”
Crow: “There is a margin for shame, however.”
So, the portal power plant is also a small nuclear weapon. Nope, this won’t come into play later.
Narrator: “Record every vibrating pulse”
All: “Ohhh yeah…!”
(on a shot of test mice)
Joel: “Hi. My name in Benji and I’m a pan-dimensional being.”
Ah, so ‘the mice weren’t killed in the test, everything’s ready for people!’
Narrator mispronounces ‘Zoology.’
(Zoologist looking over a fossilized skull)
Crow: “I’d say this patient is dead; I’m no expert, but…”
Oh, come on! That’s a V-2! You couldn’t fit one person in there, let alone four!
Narrator (on the physician): “With the experience of treating most diseases and fatalities that overtake men.”
(they don’t comment on that, but how do you ‘treat’ a fatality?)
They really seem to be flying by the seat of their pants here, kind of like in Rocketship XM.
(shot of two guys looking in some sort of device with eye-pieces pointed at each other)
Crow: “You look neat.”
Hilarious bit where the narrator counts down WAY too fast.
(the rocket sputters and doesn’t take off for a second)
Servo: “Maybe you should take your foot off the clutch!”
Really bad process shot of the rocket landing.
The planet really looks a LOT like Earth…(as in, they filmed in a convenient park and hand-waved an explanation)
Servo: “Guys, I think they landed in Wisconsin.”
You know, it would be really embarrassing for the first words on a new planet to be ‘we’re first.’ No duh, you’re first!
So, an active volcano means it’s a young world? How does that logic work?
Of course life as you know it can exist; you’re in a grassy field with trees right behind you!
Servo: “That’s patty-cake; it’s the international symbol for ‘off with your clothes.’”
And they’re paired off romantically already; whatever.
And they see some elk and bears; maybe this could also be evidence that ‘life as we know it can exist’!
They just leave their suits and equipment on the ground and go for a walk. Cause, you know, it’s not like anything could happen to it.
The instant someone mentions the island there’s a scare chord.
Doctor: “All they want in Washington are tests and samples…”
Servo: “An d a few neat souvenirs.”
And the women immediately decide to take a bath in the strange lake on the unknown planet!
Crow (on a cute sloth-thing): “I’m Chirpy, the mutant hell-beast, and I don’t like this film.”
The characters walk around some…
Zoologist (looking at a flock of birds): “It’s about three o’clock Earth time here…”
Servo: “Judging by those birds”
(on Zoologist giving an order)
Joel: “Besides, I decided that I’m the new god of this planet.”
(footage of a sloth)
Servo: “I symbolically represent the pace of this film.”
Servo: “They’re making pretty good time considering this is a Lippert film.”
(Cut them camping in a circle)
Crow: “and there on the handle was some stock-footage of a hook.”
So, I guess the geologist chick can tell the age of the planet from digging a bit in the field…
Chemist: “I’m scared to death and I’m not ashamed to admit it.”
Joel: “Thank you Mrs. Dedicated Scientist.”
Second Host Segment: Joey the Lemur. It’s a really weird sketch and Joel visibly struggles to remember his lines and flubs quite a few. It’s kind of bizarrely amusing (it has the overall feel of a fever dream). They mock this sketch several seasons down the line.
As they come back into the film, Joey attacks Servo.
(shot of a snake)
Joel: “Hi, remember me? I’m Satan; this is the first part of my three-picture development deal. We’ll be right back.”
Crow:” Shoot the snake, not the girl! On second thought…”
Oh, come on! Ms. Super-science panics when touched by a non-poisonous snake which he-man scientist then shoots twice with a rifle and decide that this means the place is getting too dangerous. Whatever.
(watching them build a lean-to)
Servo: “Why didn’t they use the tent they had in their back-packs?”
Joel: “Because they’re artists.”
Doctor is kind of gruff; at least geologist chick wanted to do something.
Doctor (to Zoologist): “Good-night old man.”
Servo: “I’m not old; I’m thirty-five. I could still take you, buddy.”
And chemist and doctor start making out. And they dump their watch to go make out. Yeah, the others won’t be killed in their sleep by anything on this hostile new prehistory planet!
(shot of an alligator)
Joel: “Hi, I couldn’t help noticing your suitcase and your shoes.”
And doctor starts fighting alligator while chemist stands there uselessly screaming.
Joel: “Sounds like an alligator mauling Bob!”
Inexplicable appearance by a giant beetle.
Crow: “I’m gonna need a bigger shoe…we’re gonna get a bigger shoe, right?”
And doctor shoots it.
Turns out they had left him alone with the chemist; I suspect the others were hoping they would both die (I know I was).
Chemist: “Relax…”
Crow: “Relax? There’s a bee the size of a moose over there and you want him to relax?”
And the Lemur shows up; actually named Joe. I think they just had a lemur around.
Geologist: “Who’s the cook tonight?”
Chemist: “I’ll do it.”
Crow: “How do you like your lemur?”
Geologists: “I think they’ve read too much science fiction; they all thought we’d meet some sort of super-race up here or something!”
Servo: “and all we’ve met are large, mutated animals!
Zoologist (to chemist): “You do whatever work you can around here.”
Crow: “Yeah, why don’t you practice screaming?”
(off-screen animal growl)
Crow: “Uh, good, but back of the throat; little higher.”
And the hideous beast that made that noise was…that python again. Come on!
Zoologist is too busy playing with the lemur to notice the huge snake wandering into their camp.
They do an odd, but funny little riff bit where Satan is the spokesman for Kraft cheese products…
So, they need to travel light, but they take the flippin’ lemur!?
Tell me those aren’t their space-suits still lying on the ground…
(film suddenly breaks and goes black)
Servo: “Cut! Cut!”
Crow: “I’ve gone blind!”
(rumblings are heard)
Geologist: “What’s that?”
Zoologist: “Just thunder.”
Servo: “Actually just jet noise; they’ll fix it in post.”
Man, Zoologist is mean! He just pulls Joe up roughly by the tale! What does Geologist see in him?
(Chemist looks through microscope)
Doctor: “Learn anything?”
Servo: “Yeah, you’re the father.”
Geologist:”What a desolate, forsaken place.”
Crow: “What a stilted, pretentious line.”
Joel (as Joe the lemur): “I’d really like to go back now; I think you’ll find only evil here. I bring a message from Gorgon, he tells you not to come here! Please! I abhor you! Please! Listen to the sacred writings I bring!”
And they find the giant iguana standing on its hind legs; the titular ‘King Dinosaur’. Whatever.
Crow (as the iguana): “Throw me the lemur, that’s all I want!”
Crow (as Iguana): “Before you take me into your heart I should mention I eat my young; did I mention that before?”
What our hero is going back for the frickin’ lemur! Look, I think the lemur can handle itself!
And he gets off-screen bitten.
Third Host Segment: Emotional Scientist. It falls apart. I love Servo as the director! But…Joel is kind of dreary here. It’s nothing special.
And here comes a caiman; there has to be a lizard fight. Which is again, pretty unpleasant considering they just throw the animals together and have them fight.
Servo (pan up the iguana): “Hey! Nastashia Kins…oh.”
(Another lizard shows up and perches on a rock)
Joel: “I’ll just watch from up here.”
Crow: “Who’s that?”
Servo: “That’s the ref.”
And Servo reuses that ‘gecko-Roman wrestling’ joke from Robot Monster.
The guys act appalled at the fight, as well they should.
Funny ‘Macbeth stage direction’ bit.
(seeing a flare)
Servo: “That means, lizard wrestling! Red flare at night, lizards fight, red flare in the morning, lizards take warning!”
And they edit it so that it looks like the iguana won.
They actually do a little discussion on their own riffing; kind of rare to hear them do that.
Crow: “Will you guys knock it off? I can’t concentrate on my own lame wise-cracks!”
Joel (as caiman): “I might be dead, but I won on points.”
And the Iguana immediately goes back to attacking the humans, even when he has a big, juicy, dead caiman to munch on!
Crow: “Don’t think I forgot about you! I gave you half-an-hour to escape and what do you do? You stay here. Fine!”
And the other two come after them.
Zoologist (on the iguana): “It resembles the tyrannosaurus Rex of Earth’s prehistoric age.”
Servo: “No it doesn’t!”
Crow: “Sorry, no way!”
Servo: “It’s a lizard from ‘Pet World’!”
Zoologist: “It’s just like living in the past.”
Crow: “It’s an iguana!”
Oh, and a monitor lizard; great.
Uh, the Iguana’s gone; maybe you should try to escape!
Chemist: “Oh what is it!?”
Crow: “IT’S AN IGUANA!”
So, the chemist and doctor come to rescue the others and decide that ‘they have to come to us’ great rescue attempt guys! I don’t know what we would’ve done without you!
And now they run! Delayed-action fight-or-flight.
Joel (as the victorious iguana): “Alright; now that that’s done I’m coming for Lippert. Pay-back time!”
Doctor: “I brought the atom bomb; I think it’s a good time to use it.”
Servo: “Oh, that’s your answer to everything! Just use the atom bomb!”
By the way, apart from killing, what is the point of nuking the island? What, are they afraid the iguana’s gonna retaliate against Earth or something?
Doctor (on the A-Bomb): “It’s set for eight o’clock.”
Servo: “Right now it’s…thirty-seconds to eight! Ahh!”
Oh, and they run into an armadillo and start shooting at it.
Servo: “Oh, what did he ever do!?”
And random shots of buffalo and a wooly mammoth. (the shag-carpeting can be seen coming off the elephant’s trunk).
Servo: “You know, I think the film on this lake is better than the film we’re watching!”
(on the nuclear blast)
Crow: “It looks like the beginning of ‘Petticoat Junction;’ Petticoat Armageddon.”
Crow (on the lemur): “Thanks for annihilating everything I know!”
Servo: “And so, with peace in their hearts and fiery-death in the sky, they went home.”
I must reiterate how utterly pointless the entire ‘use the atom bomb’ thing was. All they had to do was leave!
Final Host Segment: Robert Lippert movies and the Theremin. I like Servo trying to gently tell Joel to turn the Theremin off…and Joel waltzing with it. And the bots read a letter where some people rate them. Imagine that!
Stinger: Chemist screams as doctor stumbles and falls. Now this is a pretty funny stinger; odd and off kilter and funny in and of itself. Good choice!
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. King Dinosaur
10. Jungle Goddess
11. Wild Rebels
12. The Corpse Vanishes
13. Ring of Terror
14. Untamed Youth
15. The Slime People
16. Project Moonbase
17. The Sidehackers
18. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
19. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
20. Hellcats
21. Rocket Attack USA
22. Robot Holocaust
23. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Great riffing, the first classic short, and an amusingly stupid film make for a good episode marred by some lame host segments.
Final Rating: 7/10.
No comments:
Post a Comment