In the Episode Guide it’s explained that most of the writing staff was out of town for this episode, and it really shows. This is one of the weakest episodes of the entire series, with sparse riffing, a horrible movie, and host segments that make it very clear that they didn’t know what to do this time.
The movie is another Ross Hagen vehicle (the star of Sidehackers; not a good sign). He plays both a cop and the cop’s identical brother. The cop gets shot by some drug dealers, so his brother comes in to investigate. The brother and the cop’s fiancée infiltrate a biker gang which gets its drugs from the dealers, there’s a LONG, pointless middle section of them living in the gang and mumbling plot points which are impossible to catch (the sound is atrocious in this movie). Finally, Ross and the gang attack the bad guys for some reason and the movie ends. So, basically it’s a plotless excuse to spend time with a sixties biker gang; not my idea of a good time at the movies.
Riff wise, the episode is pretty sparse. Oh, there are some good ones; giving names to the bikers, bemoaning the plotless nature of the proceedings, and some good riffs on the general stupidity of the bikers, but they come pretty slowly. Plus there are a few jokes that they latch on to and keep riding, despite the fact that they’re not very funny; like an extended ‘kooky the clown’ gag that continues through several different scenes without eliciting more than a chuckle or two.
The host-segments are all flash-backs to previous host segments. There are some decent bits of the bots writing in their diaries, but otherwise they’re flat failures. They don’t even pretend that they have anything to do with anything.
So, all in all, a very weak episode featuring one of my least favorite genres. Not recommended.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: The Satellite of Love crew are all sick. Amusing, with a very funny bit involving Servo at the end.
Invention Exchange: the Mads are riding their hobby hogs from two episodes again. Joel finally gets to show his invention from last time; a sign-language translator. It’s kind of amusing, has a call-back to ‘Sidehackers,’ and is a pretty cool little effect.
Crow (seeing a funeral procession approaching a prepared grave): “Hey, there’s a good space!”
Servo (they drape a coat on the coffin): “Uh, kind of late with that jacket, aren’t you?”
(A couple of cops give obvious exposition)
Joel: “What is this, Sergeant Exposition and Detective Plot-Point?”
Mobster: “For the last six months he’s been like my shadow.”
Crow: “But not as chunky.”
Mobster: “The next pick up’s tomorrow at Scorpio’s”
Servo: “Tell Scorpio to use his code-name.”
Credits…hey! Anthony Cardoza! He’s gonna show up down the way in the infamous Colman Francis Trilogy.
And Ross Hagen is our lead again (from Sidehackers).
Joel and Crow start arguing over the bands and Joel threatens to shut him down!
Man, Joel is kind of mean here.
(seeing it’s directed by Robert Slatzer)
Joel: “Oh, if this is a Slatzer film it might get really bloody.”
Servo: “Scenic Love Canal!”
Servo: “Hellcats; terrorizing the desolate wastelands for over half a century.”
Crow (as biker): “Remember, we’ve got bridge-club at four!”
Biker gives really bad read.
Joel (on biker): “I’m a stranger to my own soul.”
(Biker chick goes up to a car full of mobsters and a dog)
Mobster: “You’re late.”
Servo: “Don Fido is mad.”
(Red car with blonds parks)
Crow: “Let’s park the Barbie-mobile right here.”
(Black car with mobsters parks)
Servo: “Let’s park the Gangster-mobile right here.”
Blond: “You’re beginning to feel more like a junkie than a narco-cop.”
Joel: “You’re not supposed to take them, just confiscate them.”
Okay, mobsters are trying to snipe Ross Hagen…
Servo: “Steve’s dead now. From now on, Steve’s death will be represented by the oboe.”
Okay, from what we saw there is no way he could have fallen in the position he’s shown; he’s lying flat across the front seat.
Anyway, his identical brother now shows up to help.
Joel: “Whenever a brother dies they fly me in for free, I like to take advantage.”
Crow: “Then came moron.”
Random cut to a couple on a motorcycle…I think they might be the brother and the blond…
Crow: “Joel, what are these movies trying to teach us about life?”
Joel: “Well, that we’re born, we die, and there’s a lot of padding in between.”
(a guy lays with his head under a bear skin)
Servo: “Woah, what happened to his head?”
(Ross walks in an gets sprayed with beer)
Drunk guy: “Let me buy you a beer.”
Servo: “You already did.”
Drunk: “Where you from.”
Servo: “Sidehackers.”
I agree with Crow: I cannot understand a word Ross is saying.
First host segment: Servo flashes back to a host segment from ‘The Crawling Hand.’ He comments that it’s before his voice changed. It wasn’t a great host segment to begin with and there’s nothing to gain from viewing it again. There are some funny bits of Servo wrestling with his voice-controlled typewriter.
Oh, no; musical/dance number!
(riffing on the different characters seen briefly during the dance scene).
Servo: “Susie; dead at 21”
Joel: “Kipper; sells lightly-salted meat products.”
Crow: “Slugger: Found dead with Coors party-ball lodged in throat.”
Joel: “Spazzy: broken neck shortly after the filming of this movie.”
Servo: “Squatter; too a baseball to the head in the third inning of an Angels game.”
Crow: “And a man so mean he once shot himself just for snoring too loud.”
I’m willing to bet everyone involved was drunk and/or stoned during the filming of this scene.
My God! I hate this song!
(Drunks swarm a passed-out guy)
Servo: “Oh, hey guys, don’t eat him!”
Servo: “Here are the Manson family home videos.”
‘Horny Heiny’ (the passed-out druggy) will be called back several times in the future.
Crow: “Great way to ruin a party. I hate it when people OD!”
(a well-dressed man enters the biker bar)
Servo: “I’ll just blend in with the crowd here. Fortunately, I’m wild on the inside; I don’t need these hippy threads.”
Joel (on the same guy): “Uh, so this isn’t a meeting of the young republicans?”
Another call-back to Wild Rebels.
Suited Guy (to girl): “When are we gonna get together?”
Girl: “Never.”
Servo: “Great, I’m free then!”
(as the bar starts cheering for some reason)
Servo: “Scenes over, that’s a wrap, thank you everyone!”
And we cut to a semi-nude model and a painter. No, I don’t know why.
Bikers show up to manhandle the artist.
And it’s implied they rape the model. Nice.
Joel: “Jeeze, they’re too cheap to show a location shot; they just show a poster.”
And we cut to the biker’s picnic. Why they had that last scene, I still don’t know.
They mob a white truck that just randomly shows up.
Joel: “Burn the Good-Humor man! He’s out of cream-sickles!”
(on the bad song playing)
Crow: “’Mass Confusion,’ they’re talking about the plot of the film.”
(On a guy upside down in a trash can)
Crow: “That guy’s trashed.”
Servo: “No, he’s just looking for the script.”
So, why do people like the sixties?
(on Ross)
Servo: “Where do you want to be in two years?”
Crow: “Sidehackers 2?”
Guy: “Everything’s a big zero.”
Crow: “He must be their accountant.”
And more bikers show up; must be a different gang.
Hey, is that the first example of the perennial favorite ‘I’m Huge’ gag?
(on a guy dressed as a Nazi soldier.)
Crow: “I’m not supposed to be in this film; they lose me after the bunker sequence.”
(on the scene)
Servo: “Okay, what does this have to do with ANYTHING?”
Oh, my God! There’s a motorcycle race going on, but they don’t show it! They just show people watching it!
Second Host segment: Crow’s flashback; he used a tape recorder (which he apparently had previously used to record a ‘Hellcats’ song). He flashes back to the zero gravity demonstration from ‘Rocketship XM’. It’s a decent sketch, but again, we don’t need the flashback (although I just noticed that Joel has his lines written on the back of the sheets?)
And the race is over…and they start fighting. At least they show this.
Crow: “Oh, I get it, it’s a triathlon! Bike race, knife fight, beer guzzling.”
(on the bikers fighting with chains)
Crow: “These are the chains I forged in life.”
Crow: “Kill him! Kill everybody!”
Servo: “Cast, crew, everybody.”
I couldn’t agree more.
Okay, Ross breaks up the fight, then…somehow gets in a fight with another guy, which they settle in a particularly stupid way; they take turns being tied between two bikes and holding on as long as they can.
(as the crowd counts off the seconds the guy holds on)
Servo: “Oh, they’re counting how long he’s getting in feet.”
And the guy loses his grip and the bike drives off with him.
Crow (as Ross): “Well, I don’t know what I was supposed to learn from that.”
Crow: “Oh, no! He’s backing up; how horrible! Uh, the humanity”
Servo: “Oh, my lord, it’s just his legs!”
Crow: “Oh, great Ross, take your jacket off; you wouldn’t want anything thick and leathery between you and the road.”
And of course, Ross wins, and another five minutes of our lives are gone.
And biker chick starts making out with Ross.
Crow: “Congratulations, you are now officially white trash.”
And Ross and biker-chick have sex out in the open on a make-shift mattress. Great.
Crow: “Does this mean you have to do something really stupid to get the girl?”
Joel: “Yep.”
Pointless bit where biker gets fresh with heroine, she beats him up, the end.
Long stretch with nothing much to comment on; heroine is mad at Ross for the aforementioned sex; despite the fact that she was supposed to be in love with his brother, not him (I guess the fact that they look exactly the freaking same has something to do with it).
Servo: “You know, mixing dice with chess really speeds up the game.”
Biker chicks and heroine pick up drugs from random oily guys.
Biker chicks get chased by policeman, one crashes and dies. Great, I don’t care! Just get on with it!
Anyway, this causes some problems, blah blah blah.
They do an extended ‘Kooky the Clown’ bit, which really isn’t that great.
(extend shot of biker-chick riding)
Crow: “Oh, great, you’re riding your bike, we get the point!”
Okay, heroine and biker chick go to bad-guy headquarters (the mobsters, remember? No? Never mind), get captured, as does Ross.
Servo (singing): “Budabadubuhbuh! You’re chick was killed! You’re chick was killed!”
Third Host Segment: Joel’s flashback; he’s writing a letter to ‘Sandy’ (?). He flashes back to the ‘scope’ sketch from Jungle Goddess. Fortunately it’s a pretty good sketch (“I am an ameba”).
Back to the movie, where Ross is getting beaten up by the bad guys (the head baddy is especially stiff).
Head Baddy: “Here’s the apartment key.”
Crow: “Tell Jack Lemon and Shirley McClain I want ‘em out!”
(shot of a tied-up Ross at an odd-angle)
Crow: “Oh, my God, his head is gone!”
Oh, come on! The bad guys leave an electric cutter right next to our tied up heroes?
Joel: “Now, I’m gonna have to cut your hand off, so it might hurt. Which one do you write with?”
Ross quickly beats up bad-guys, until head baddy pulls out a gun.
Biker chick calls gang to come help.
Do the filmmakers realize that wrapping a belt around someone’s wrist does not prevent them from pulling the trigger? Apparently not.
What the freaking hell!? We randomly cut to a blond in a dress dancing in front of a mirror!
(Guy walks in on blond)
Servo: “Uh, ma’am, I believe this is my hotel room.”
And guy strangles here. No idea what this all was about.
Bad guy: “Let’s move.”
Crow: “Like you’ve never moved before; even slower!”
Bad guys put Ross and heroine in shipping crate, prepare to flee to Tahiti.
Bikers show up.
Big extension cord right in the middle of the shot!
And Bikers dog-pile bad guys, rescue Ross and heroine.
Servo: “Hey! Kill that guy, he’s the director; get him!”
(yes it, really is the director as a bad guy)
(Ross beats up director-as-bad-guy)
Joel: “And that’s for putting me in the movie!”
Heroine (on Ross’s bike): “What are you going to do with that thing?”
Crow: “Make a lamp out of it.”
And it’s implied that Ross has come to enjoy the biker lifestyle. And really, who wouldn’t? I mean, unless you’ve got a shred of common-sense, dignity, or moral-fiber?
Final Host Segment: Gypsy’s diary. She’s regressed a bit; more cow-like again. They discuss diaries and read a letter (it’s rather prophetic, predicting that they might soon have to watch Italian films). And a rather amusing bit with Frank at the end.
Stinger: Unintelligible trumpeter (this was cut from the version I watched, I’m afraid; from what I remember from the movie, it certainly was an odd bit, so I’ll give them points for that).
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. Jungle Goddess
10. Wild Rebels
11. The Corpse Vanishes
12. Ring of Terror
13. Untamed Youth
14. The Slime People
15. Project Moonbase
16. The Sidehackers
17. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
18. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
19. Hellcats
20. Rocket Attack USA
21. Robot Holocaust
22. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Very bad movie in a genre I don’t like, weak riffing and weaker host segments make for a pretty weak episode.
Final Rating: 4/10.
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