MST3K: Episode 210 – King Dinosaur (With Short: X Marks the Spot)

Just about anything would be an improvement over the previous episode, and King Dinosaur doesn’t disappoint.
The story is that a new planet has been discovered, dubbed ‘Planet Nova’ (why does no movie keep with the established convention of naming planets after classical deities?). Naturally, the government decides to send a manned expedition of two couples; one blond, one brunette, consisting of male Zoologist and Doctor and female Chemist and Geologist. Once there, they find basically the same environment, only they claim it’s ‘younger’ than Earth. Not once do they express any surprise at the fact that all the life on Nova is exactly the same as that on Earth, with only a few embiggened varieties (such as a giant bug of some sort which just kind of shows up at one point).
Eventually, they explore a nearby island which they have been kind of obsessing over. They find some dinosaurs of the ‘stuff-glued-on-lizard’ type, led by an iguana which they try to claim as a T-Rex. There are a couple fights accomplished by throwing the iguana in with a caiman and then a monitor lizard and letting them go at it. Viewed from a modern perspective, this is pretty disturbing as the animals are clearly actually fighting and being injured in the name of this stupid little Saturday-matinee flick.
Anyway, so they escape the island and blow it up with an atomic bomb (which they had around just in case) for no reason whatsoever. Then they go home. That’s…really about it. Oh, and in between there’s some stuff with an alligator, a lemur, a snake, and the aforementioned giant bug. It doesn’t really come together; the actors just wander around some state park or another and occasionally shoot something or get attacked by something, then leave.
There are two major firsts in this episode; the most obvious is that it has the first of the educational shorts; ‘X Marks the Spot,’ a bizarre little film on driving safety where an absurdly bad driver named Joe Dokes dies in a crash and is being judged for whether he can survive based on his driving record (it apparently doesn’t matter whether you loved anyone or did good deeds, or anything like that). It’s a brilliantly riffed piece, and it seems something clicked in the minds of the Brains; from here on in, they would only do a few more serial shorts and one or two television episodes. Every other short they would do from here to the end of the series would be an educational or informative short of some sort. These will be frequently brilliantly riffed; classic little humor films of almost unmatched hilarity. The classic Mst3k shorts will become a staple of the series, and ‘X Marks the Spot’ is the beginning of that great tradition.
The second first is that this film is the first exposure to the work of Bert I. Gordon. Gordon would go on to be the most riffed director of the entire series, with eight films viewed by the Brains. Gordon was actually a semi-competent filmmaker and a true auteur; most of his films he wrote, produced, directed, and did the special effects for (usually from a garage studio with help from his wife). His specialty was enlarged creatures. His movies, while never particularly great, were frequently amusing and occasionally interesting. What I found most interesting about this episode, from the perspective of what is to come in the series, is how they focus more on Robert Lippert, the film’s producer (and producer of several previous films, including ‘Lost Continent,’ ‘Jungle Goddess,’ and ‘Rocketship XM’). It’s almost like reading an early comic book issue where the Joker is a supporting villain to the Clock King or something; soon Lippert will be almost forgotten and B.I.G. will be the Brains’ primary opponent.
Riffwise, the episode is very strong; there are frequent hilarious riffs on the slow pace, the brainless science, and the various animals. There are some dry stretches (par the course for season 2), but there are enough laugh-out-loud moments to counter them.
The host segments are more mixed: the invention exchange, particularly Dr. F’s being accidentally squashed by an elevator, is hilarious. The first segment is good too; with several great lines from Crow. The next two segments are less successful; the ‘Joey the Lemur’ sketch is so bizarre and incoherent that it’s become fairly infamous, and even gets mocked in a later season by the Brains themselves. The ‘emotional scientists’ bit didn’t do it for me either. The final segment is alright, though; Joel has some funny moments with a Theremin.
In the end, a great short and some great riffing make for a strong episode marred by some lame host segments.

Thoughts while watching:

Opening: Beat poetry on the Satellite of Love a rather amusing look at a truly lame type of poetry; I like the bots’ beards too.

Invention exchange: Some amusing bits from Dr. F. And a hilarious bit where Frank accidentally crushes Dr. F in the elevator. He’s now the pocket scientist! Joel has ‘incredibly stinky sweat socks.’ This is one of the funniest exchanges yet, despite not having any real inventions. Mostly Dr. F sells the show.

Short: Their first educational short!

Joel (on the credits): “Webber, the grill magnate.”

Open with a lethargic, elderly commissioner speaking to the audience.

Commissioner: “The loss of life…of a war worker means a definite set-back to our war program.”
Crow: “If you kill yourselves here, we can’t kill them over there.”

Commissioner (on accident victims): “Just once in a while they were careless, or inconsiderate…”
Crow: “Or they didn’t want to live in New Jersey anymore.”

And we switch narrators for the next part of the short.

We meet Joe Dokes; an absurdly bad driver.

Joel: “Hot dog! I got a date with death!”

Okay, even in the forties and even if he’s really mad, would anyone try to cross the street by opening the passenger door, crawling through the car, and out the other side? I can’t blame Joe for that.

Narrator: “Now, there was a street-intersection not far from where Joe lived…”
Crow: “Called ‘Blood Alley.’”

(Guy prepares for seeing the crash by shutting his eyes and putting his fingers in his ears)
Servo: “Well, I guess he can’t be a witness.”

And Joe’s dead and a ghost.

(hand taps Joe on the shoulder)
Crow: “Are you George Bailey? Oh, sorry, wrong film.”

Angel: “You used to know ‘em.”
Servo: “They’re your pallbearers now.”

And they go to see the Judge.

Crow (as Judge): “I’ll be with you in a moment, I’m just sealing some fates”

Servo: “Excuse me, uh, pardon me your…uh, Mr. God?”

Servo: “Dear diary; It’s hard being God…”

Joe: “Good-morning, sir.”
Judge: “There are no good mornings here.”
Servo: “I’ll decide if it’s a good morning or not!”

Judge: “You were born in New Jersey, eh?”
Crow: “I thought I smelled something.”

(Joe is begging to be spared)
Joe: “Besides, I’ve got almost a whole book of eight coupons left!”
Crow: “Oh, you should have presented those immediately upon ordering!”

Angel: “He was always sneaking up behind and scaring pedestrians…”
Joel: “Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed that.”

Judge: “That description fitted someone else I know. If you know who I mean…”
Crow: “Hitler? Nah, he drove a stick.”

Another ‘I’m huge’!

Angel: “After that I never any trouble with Joe around schools; he’d crawl by at a snail’s pace.”
Servo: “Nursing homes though, woah!”

Judge: “Did he ever drive when he’d been drinking?”
Joel: “Oh, boy, I need my other scroll for that; that’s a doozy.”

Judge: “I want the whole truth.”
Servo: “So help me, Me!”

Judge: “I have book-full of those ‘just a cock-tale or two’ drinkers.”
Servo: “Jerk wouldn’t let me in their club.”

Judge: “Was there any traffic rule he didn’t violate?”
Joe: “Yes sir, I never hit-and-run.”
Joel: “Oh, well that changes everything!”

Angel: “He’d weave through traffic like a mouse-through-a-maze.”
Servo: “Squeaking and calling himself ‘Algernon’.”

Angel: “He, uh, stayed up with a sick friend…”
Judge: “He what?”
Servo: “He got plowed, okay?”

Judge (indicating the camera): “I leave that to this jury of drivers and pedestrians.”
Servo: “Oh, guilty; hang him! String him up! And get the director too.”

Joel: “Oh, great, we’re stranded in space and we still have to pull jury duty.”

I like Crow really getting into it.

First Host Segment: Crow wonders if he’s qualified (based on the end of the short). It’s a great little speech which becomes semi-inspirational then goes off the rails. “Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look.” A great bit and a tour-de-force for Trace Beaulieu.

And Robert Lippert is back.

Also features the first appearance of filmmaking auteur Bert I. Gordon, who will direct more Mst3k’d movies than anyone else.

Narrator: “On April 23rd, the word to start comes from Washington.”
All: “Start!”

(on a shot of an observatory)
Servo: “Then the world’s largest roll-on deodorant was invented.”

(shot of a metal being tested and snapping)
Crow: “Oops.”

Narrator: “Switch on for jet-engine test number 87!”
Servo: “Oh, so the announcer is calling the shots now?”

Narrator: “There is no margin for error.”
Crow: “There is a margin for shame, however.”

So, the portal power plant is also a small nuclear weapon. Nope, this won’t come into play later.

Narrator: “Record every vibrating pulse”
All: “Ohhh yeah…!”

(on a shot of test mice)
Joel: “Hi. My name in Benji and I’m a pan-dimensional being.”

Ah, so ‘the mice weren’t killed in the test, everything’s ready for people!’

Narrator mispronounces ‘Zoology.’

(Zoologist looking over a fossilized skull)
Crow: “I’d say this patient is dead; I’m no expert, but…”

Oh, come on! That’s a V-2! You couldn’t fit one person in there, let alone four!

Narrator (on the physician): “With the experience of treating most diseases and fatalities that overtake men.”
(they don’t comment on that, but how do you ‘treat’ a fatality?)

They really seem to be flying by the seat of their pants here, kind of like in Rocketship XM.

(shot of two guys looking in some sort of device with eye-pieces pointed at each other)
Crow: “You look neat.”

Hilarious bit where the narrator counts down WAY too fast.

(the rocket sputters and doesn’t take off for a second)
Servo: “Maybe you should take your foot off the clutch!”

Really bad process shot of the rocket landing.

The planet really looks a LOT like Earth…(as in, they filmed in a convenient park and hand-waved an explanation)

Servo: “Guys, I think they landed in Wisconsin.”

You know, it would be really embarrassing for the first words on a new planet to be ‘we’re first.’ No duh, you’re first!

So, an active volcano means it’s a young world? How does that logic work?

Of course life as you know it can exist; you’re in a grassy field with trees right behind you!

Servo: “That’s patty-cake; it’s the international symbol for ‘off with your clothes.’”

And they’re paired off romantically already; whatever.

And they see some elk and bears; maybe this could also be evidence that ‘life as we know it can exist’!

They just leave their suits and equipment on the ground and go for a walk. Cause, you know, it’s not like anything could happen to it.

The instant someone mentions the island there’s a scare chord.

Doctor: “All they want in Washington are tests and samples…”
Servo: “An d a few neat souvenirs.”

And the women immediately decide to take a bath in the strange lake on the unknown planet!

Crow (on a cute sloth-thing): “I’m Chirpy, the mutant hell-beast, and I don’t like this film.”

The characters walk around some…

Zoologist (looking at a flock of birds): “It’s about three o’clock Earth time here…”
Servo: “Judging by those birds”

(on Zoologist giving an order)
Joel: “Besides, I decided that I’m the new god of this planet.”

(footage of a sloth)
Servo: “I symbolically represent the pace of this film.”

Servo: “They’re making pretty good time considering this is a Lippert film.”

(Cut them camping in a circle)
Crow: “and there on the handle was some stock-footage of a hook.”

So, I guess the geologist chick can tell the age of the planet from digging a bit in the field…

Chemist: “I’m scared to death and I’m not ashamed to admit it.”
Joel: “Thank you Mrs. Dedicated Scientist.”

Second Host Segment: Joey the Lemur. It’s a really weird sketch and Joel visibly struggles to remember his lines and flubs quite a few. It’s kind of bizarrely amusing (it has the overall feel of a fever dream). They mock this sketch several seasons down the line.

As they come back into the film, Joey attacks Servo.

(shot of a snake)
Joel: “Hi, remember me? I’m Satan; this is the first part of my three-picture development deal. We’ll be right back.”

Crow:” Shoot the snake, not the girl! On second thought…”

Oh, come on! Ms. Super-science panics when touched by a non-poisonous snake which he-man scientist then shoots twice with a rifle and decide that this means the place is getting too dangerous. Whatever.

(watching them build a lean-to)
Servo: “Why didn’t they use the tent they had in their back-packs?”
Joel: “Because they’re artists.”

Doctor is kind of gruff; at least geologist chick wanted to do something.

Doctor (to Zoologist): “Good-night old man.”
Servo: “I’m not old; I’m thirty-five. I could still take you, buddy.”

And chemist and doctor start making out. And they dump their watch to go make out. Yeah, the others won’t be killed in their sleep by anything on this hostile new prehistory planet!

(shot of an alligator)
Joel: “Hi, I couldn’t help noticing your suitcase and your shoes.”

And doctor starts fighting alligator while chemist stands there uselessly screaming.

Joel: “Sounds like an alligator mauling Bob!”

Inexplicable appearance by a giant beetle.

Crow: “I’m gonna need a bigger shoe…we’re gonna get a bigger shoe, right?”

And doctor shoots it.

Turns out they had left him alone with the chemist; I suspect the others were hoping they would both die (I know I was).

Chemist: “Relax…”
Crow: “Relax? There’s a bee the size of a moose over there and you want him to relax?”

And the Lemur shows up; actually named Joe. I think they just had a lemur around.

Geologist: “Who’s the cook tonight?”
Chemist: “I’ll do it.”
Crow: “How do you like your lemur?”

Geologists: “I think they’ve read too much science fiction; they all thought we’d meet some sort of super-race up here or something!”
Servo: “and all we’ve met are large, mutated animals!

Zoologist (to chemist): “You do whatever work you can around here.”
Crow: “Yeah, why don’t you practice screaming?”
(off-screen animal growl)
Crow: “Uh, good, but back of the throat; little higher.”

And the hideous beast that made that noise was…that python again. Come on!

Zoologist is too busy playing with the lemur to notice the huge snake wandering into their camp.

They do an odd, but funny little riff bit where Satan is the spokesman for Kraft cheese products…

So, they need to travel light, but they take the flippin’ lemur!?

Tell me those aren’t their space-suits still lying on the ground…

(film suddenly breaks and goes black)
Servo: “Cut! Cut!”
Crow: “I’ve gone blind!”

(rumblings are heard)
Geologist: “What’s that?”
Zoologist: “Just thunder.”
Servo: “Actually just jet noise; they’ll fix it in post.”

Man, Zoologist is mean! He just pulls Joe up roughly by the tale! What does Geologist see in him?

(Chemist looks through microscope)
Doctor: “Learn anything?”
Servo: “Yeah, you’re the father.”

Geologist:”What a desolate, forsaken place.”
Crow: “What a stilted, pretentious line.”

Joel (as Joe the lemur): “I’d really like to go back now; I think you’ll find only evil here. I bring a message from Gorgon, he tells you not to come here! Please! I abhor you! Please! Listen to the sacred writings I bring!”

And they find the giant iguana standing on its hind legs; the titular ‘King Dinosaur’. Whatever.

Crow (as the iguana): “Throw me the lemur, that’s all I want!”

Crow (as Iguana): “Before you take me into your heart I should mention I eat my young; did I mention that before?”

What our hero is going back for the frickin’ lemur! Look, I think the lemur can handle itself!

And he gets off-screen bitten.

Third Host Segment: Emotional Scientist. It falls apart. I love Servo as the director! But…Joel is kind of dreary here. It’s nothing special.

And here comes a caiman; there has to be a lizard fight. Which is again, pretty unpleasant considering they just throw the animals together and have them fight.

Servo (pan up the iguana): “Hey! Nastashia Kins…oh.”

(Another lizard shows up and perches on a rock)
Joel: “I’ll just watch from up here.”

Crow: “Who’s that?”
Servo: “That’s the ref.”

And Servo reuses that ‘gecko-Roman wrestling’ joke from Robot Monster.

The guys act appalled at the fight, as well they should.

Funny ‘Macbeth stage direction’ bit.

(seeing a flare)
Servo: “That means, lizard wrestling! Red flare at night, lizards fight, red flare in the morning, lizards take warning!”

And they edit it so that it looks like the iguana won.

They actually do a little discussion on their own riffing; kind of rare to hear them do that.
Crow: “Will you guys knock it off? I can’t concentrate on my own lame wise-cracks!”

Joel (as caiman): “I might be dead, but I won on points.”

And the Iguana immediately goes back to attacking the humans, even when he has a big, juicy, dead caiman to munch on!

Crow: “Don’t think I forgot about you! I gave you half-an-hour to escape and what do you do? You stay here. Fine!”

And the other two come after them.

Zoologist (on the iguana): “It resembles the tyrannosaurus Rex of Earth’s prehistoric age.”
Servo: “No it doesn’t!”
Crow: “Sorry, no way!”
Servo: “It’s a lizard from ‘Pet World’!”

Zoologist: “It’s just like living in the past.”
Crow: “It’s an iguana!”

Oh, and a monitor lizard; great.

Uh, the Iguana’s gone; maybe you should try to escape!

Chemist: “Oh what is it!?”
Crow: “IT’S AN IGUANA!”

So, the chemist and doctor come to rescue the others and decide that ‘they have to come to us’ great rescue attempt guys! I don’t know what we would’ve done without you!

And now they run! Delayed-action fight-or-flight.

Joel (as the victorious iguana): “Alright; now that that’s done I’m coming for Lippert. Pay-back time!”

Doctor: “I brought the atom bomb; I think it’s a good time to use it.”
Servo: “Oh, that’s your answer to everything! Just use the atom bomb!”

By the way, apart from killing, what is the point of nuking the island? What, are they afraid the iguana’s gonna retaliate against Earth or something?

Doctor (on the A-Bomb): “It’s set for eight o’clock.”
Servo: “Right now it’s…thirty-seconds to eight! Ahh!”

Oh, and they run into an armadillo and start shooting at it.
Servo: “Oh, what did he ever do!?”

And random shots of buffalo and a wooly mammoth. (the shag-carpeting can be seen coming off the elephant’s trunk).

Servo: “You know, I think the film on this lake is better than the film we’re watching!”

(on the nuclear blast)
Crow: “It looks like the beginning of ‘Petticoat Junction;’ Petticoat Armageddon.”

Crow (on the lemur): “Thanks for annihilating everything I know!”

Servo: “And so, with peace in their hearts and fiery-death in the sky, they went home.”

I must reiterate how utterly pointless the entire ‘use the atom bomb’ thing was. All they had to do was leave!

Final Host Segment: Robert Lippert movies and the Theremin. I like Servo trying to gently tell Joel to turn the Theremin off…and Joel waltzing with it. And the bots read a letter where some people rate them. Imagine that!

Stinger: Chemist screams as doctor stumbles and falls. Now this is a pretty funny stinger; odd and off kilter and funny in and of itself. Good choice!

Movie Quality Rating:

1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. King Dinosaur
10. Jungle Goddess
11. Wild Rebels
12. The Corpse Vanishes
13. Ring of Terror
14. Untamed Youth
15. The Slime People
16. Project Moonbase
17. The Sidehackers
18. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
19. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
20. Hellcats
21. Rocket Attack USA
22. Robot Holocaust
23. Robot Monster

Conclusion: Great riffing, the first classic short, and an amusingly stupid film make for a good episode marred by some lame host segments.

Final Rating: 7/10.

A Commentary on WALL-E

Note: This is an article I wrote for the school newspaper, which I thought I'd share here.

WALL-E is one of my all-time favorite movies. It’s so much more than a delightful animated fable about a robot in love; it’s a beautiful meditation on the meaning of humanity.
WALL-E is a satire which contrasts the world of mass-consumerism, cell-phones, and hygienic-obsession with the world of nick-knack collections, dancing, musicals, and romance. It comes off almost as an origin film of sorts for humanity, where a comatose human-spirit reawakens through its interactions with a romantic little robot who is perhaps the most human character ever portrayed on screen.
We first meet WALL-E on a devastated Earth, where he cleans up the mountains of trash. He collects the interesting bits of trash and keeps them in the abandoned truck that is his home; a Rubik’s-Cube, a ring-box (he throws the ring away), a fine collection of plastic silver-ware, and a partial copy of ‘Hello Dolly,’ which he watches obsessively and hums the songs as he works. He is curious and playful; he admires beauty, as seen when he stares transfixed at the stars which peek through the cloud-covered sky, but he does not let any of these distractions take over his life; a movie, games, and toys are part of his life, not his whole life. What his life is is something more than the sum of its parts; it is uniquely him.
Despite having a pet cockroach for a companion, however, he is lonely; as a person, he feels the need to be with another person. The chance for this occurs when a spaceship drops off the sleek probe-droid, EVE, with whom WALL-E falls in love with at first sight. What follows is a beautiful sequence where he tries to work up the nerve to approach her, then to get her to notice him, and finally to guard and revive her after something causes her to shut down).
WALL-E‘s love for EVE soon takes him far from home, to where the remnants of humanity…well, live isn’t the right word; exist is more appropriate. There they have become a society of grotesque couch potatoes, where two men can be right next to each other but talk via cell-phone. From here, WALL-E’s presence begins slowly, almost imperceptibly, to revive the comatose human spirit. A hygienically-obsessed robot jumps off its sterile track, another robot discovers how to wave, the captain feels dirt for the first time and begins obsessively researching the Earth (which he acknowledges as his home, although he has never seen it), and in a heart-breakingly beautiful sequence, WALL-E and EVE dance (and kiss) among the stars, causing two humans to touch for the first time…
Curiosity, playfulness, love; toys, movies, pets, kissing, dancing, holding hands…these are the things humans do. Humans laugh, they admire beauty, they crave companionship, they take the time to enjoy life. But this is not all; WALL-E demonstrates that, along with all this, humans make sacrifices, they act selflessly and bravely, and when they have to, they fight. As the film progresses it becomes more and more necessary for WALL-E and EVE to show courage and make difficult decisions. This is painfully shown when WALL-E defies the malevolent autopilot, a far more powerful and advanced machine, and even though he pays the inevitable consequences, he succeeds in his task. Not long afterwards, EVE has to decide whether to save WALL-E or a mass of humans, and although it breaks her heart, she makes the right decision. Meanwhile, the captain wrestles with the autopilot for humanity’s future. While all this is going on, a damaged WALL-E struggles to literally bear the fate of the world upon his shoulders, even though the effort breaks him.
In the end, WALL-E’s thesis is that humans belong on Earth, their home. They dance, they play, they care for living things, they kiss, they splash in pools, sing, admire sunsets, work, farm, recognize beauty, care for each other, make sacrifices, fight, stand on their own feet, watch movies and above all, they love.

MST3K: Episode 209 – The Hellcats

In the Episode Guide it’s explained that most of the writing staff was out of town for this episode, and it really shows. This is one of the weakest episodes of the entire series, with sparse riffing, a horrible movie, and host segments that make it very clear that they didn’t know what to do this time.
The movie is another Ross Hagen vehicle (the star of Sidehackers; not a good sign). He plays both a cop and the cop’s identical brother. The cop gets shot by some drug dealers, so his brother comes in to investigate. The brother and the cop’s fiancée infiltrate a biker gang which gets its drugs from the dealers, there’s a LONG, pointless middle section of them living in the gang and mumbling plot points which are impossible to catch (the sound is atrocious in this movie). Finally, Ross and the gang attack the bad guys for some reason and the movie ends. So, basically it’s a plotless excuse to spend time with a sixties biker gang; not my idea of a good time at the movies.
Riff wise, the episode is pretty sparse. Oh, there are some good ones; giving names to the bikers, bemoaning the plotless nature of the proceedings, and some good riffs on the general stupidity of the bikers, but they come pretty slowly. Plus there are a few jokes that they latch on to and keep riding, despite the fact that they’re not very funny; like an extended ‘kooky the clown’ gag that continues through several different scenes without eliciting more than a chuckle or two.
The host-segments are all flash-backs to previous host segments. There are some decent bits of the bots writing in their diaries, but otherwise they’re flat failures. They don’t even pretend that they have anything to do with anything.
So, all in all, a very weak episode featuring one of my least favorite genres. Not recommended.

Thoughts while watching:

Opening: The Satellite of Love crew are all sick. Amusing, with a very funny bit involving Servo at the end.

Invention Exchange: the Mads are riding their hobby hogs from two episodes again. Joel finally gets to show his invention from last time; a sign-language translator. It’s kind of amusing, has a call-back to ‘Sidehackers,’ and is a pretty cool little effect.

Crow (seeing a funeral procession approaching a prepared grave): “Hey, there’s a good space!”

Servo (they drape a coat on the coffin): “Uh, kind of late with that jacket, aren’t you?”

(A couple of cops give obvious exposition)
Joel: “What is this, Sergeant Exposition and Detective Plot-Point?”

Mobster: “For the last six months he’s been like my shadow.”
Crow: “But not as chunky.”

Mobster: “The next pick up’s tomorrow at Scorpio’s”
Servo: “Tell Scorpio to use his code-name.”

Credits…hey! Anthony Cardoza! He’s gonna show up down the way in the infamous Colman Francis Trilogy.

And Ross Hagen is our lead again (from Sidehackers).

Joel and Crow start arguing over the bands and Joel threatens to shut him down!

Man, Joel is kind of mean here.

(seeing it’s directed by Robert Slatzer)
Joel: “Oh, if this is a Slatzer film it might get really bloody.”

Servo: “Scenic Love Canal!”

Servo: “Hellcats; terrorizing the desolate wastelands for over half a century.”

Crow (as biker): “Remember, we’ve got bridge-club at four!”

Biker gives really bad read.

Joel (on biker): “I’m a stranger to my own soul.”

(Biker chick goes up to a car full of mobsters and a dog)
Mobster: “You’re late.”
Servo: “Don Fido is mad.”

(Red car with blonds parks)
Crow: “Let’s park the Barbie-mobile right here.”
(Black car with mobsters parks)
Servo: “Let’s park the Gangster-mobile right here.”

Blond: “You’re beginning to feel more like a junkie than a narco-cop.”
Joel: “You’re not supposed to take them, just confiscate them.”

Okay, mobsters are trying to snipe Ross Hagen…

Servo: “Steve’s dead now. From now on, Steve’s death will be represented by the oboe.”

Okay, from what we saw there is no way he could have fallen in the position he’s shown; he’s lying flat across the front seat.

Anyway, his identical brother now shows up to help.

Joel: “Whenever a brother dies they fly me in for free, I like to take advantage.”

Crow: “Then came moron.”

Random cut to a couple on a motorcycle…I think they might be the brother and the blond…

Crow: “Joel, what are these movies trying to teach us about life?”
Joel: “Well, that we’re born, we die, and there’s a lot of padding in between.”

(a guy lays with his head under a bear skin)
Servo: “Woah, what happened to his head?”

(Ross walks in an gets sprayed with beer)
Drunk guy: “Let me buy you a beer.”
Servo: “You already did.”

Drunk: “Where you from.”
Servo: “Sidehackers.”

I agree with Crow: I cannot understand a word Ross is saying.

First host segment: Servo flashes back to a host segment from ‘The Crawling Hand.’ He comments that it’s before his voice changed. It wasn’t a great host segment to begin with and there’s nothing to gain from viewing it again. There are some funny bits of Servo wrestling with his voice-controlled typewriter.

Oh, no; musical/dance number!

(riffing on the different characters seen briefly during the dance scene).
Servo: “Susie; dead at 21”
Joel: “Kipper; sells lightly-salted meat products.”
Crow: “Slugger: Found dead with Coors party-ball lodged in throat.”
Joel: “Spazzy: broken neck shortly after the filming of this movie.”
Servo: “Squatter; too a baseball to the head in the third inning of an Angels game.”

Crow: “And a man so mean he once shot himself just for snoring too loud.”

I’m willing to bet everyone involved was drunk and/or stoned during the filming of this scene.

My God! I hate this song!

(Drunks swarm a passed-out guy)
Servo: “Oh, hey guys, don’t eat him!”

Servo: “Here are the Manson family home videos.”

‘Horny Heiny’ (the passed-out druggy) will be called back several times in the future.

Crow: “Great way to ruin a party. I hate it when people OD!”

(a well-dressed man enters the biker bar)
Servo: “I’ll just blend in with the crowd here. Fortunately, I’m wild on the inside; I don’t need these hippy threads.”

Joel (on the same guy): “Uh, so this isn’t a meeting of the young republicans?”

Another call-back to Wild Rebels.

Suited Guy (to girl): “When are we gonna get together?”
Girl: “Never.”
Servo: “Great, I’m free then!”

(as the bar starts cheering for some reason)
Servo: “Scenes over, that’s a wrap, thank you everyone!”

And we cut to a semi-nude model and a painter. No, I don’t know why.

Bikers show up to manhandle the artist.

And it’s implied they rape the model. Nice.

Joel: “Jeeze, they’re too cheap to show a location shot; they just show a poster.”

And we cut to the biker’s picnic. Why they had that last scene, I still don’t know.

They mob a white truck that just randomly shows up.

Joel: “Burn the Good-Humor man! He’s out of cream-sickles!”

(on the bad song playing)
Crow: “’Mass Confusion,’ they’re talking about the plot of the film.”

(On a guy upside down in a trash can)
Crow: “That guy’s trashed.”
Servo: “No, he’s just looking for the script.”

So, why do people like the sixties?

(on Ross)
Servo: “Where do you want to be in two years?”
Crow: “Sidehackers 2?”

Guy: “Everything’s a big zero.”
Crow: “He must be their accountant.”

And more bikers show up; must be a different gang.

Hey, is that the first example of the perennial favorite ‘I’m Huge’ gag?

(on a guy dressed as a Nazi soldier.)
Crow: “I’m not supposed to be in this film; they lose me after the bunker sequence.”

(on the scene)
Servo: “Okay, what does this have to do with ANYTHING?”

Oh, my God! There’s a motorcycle race going on, but they don’t show it! They just show people watching it!

Second Host segment: Crow’s flashback; he used a tape recorder (which he apparently had previously used to record a ‘Hellcats’ song). He flashes back to the zero gravity demonstration from ‘Rocketship XM’. It’s a decent sketch, but again, we don’t need the flashback (although I just noticed that Joel has his lines written on the back of the sheets?)

And the race is over…and they start fighting. At least they show this.

Crow: “Oh, I get it, it’s a triathlon! Bike race, knife fight, beer guzzling.”

(on the bikers fighting with chains)
Crow: “These are the chains I forged in life.”

Crow: “Kill him! Kill everybody!”
Servo: “Cast, crew, everybody.”
I couldn’t agree more.

Okay, Ross breaks up the fight, then…somehow gets in a fight with another guy, which they settle in a particularly stupid way; they take turns being tied between two bikes and holding on as long as they can.

(as the crowd counts off the seconds the guy holds on)
Servo: “Oh, they’re counting how long he’s getting in feet.”

And the guy loses his grip and the bike drives off with him.

Crow (as Ross): “Well, I don’t know what I was supposed to learn from that.”

Crow: “Oh, no! He’s backing up; how horrible! Uh, the humanity”

Servo: “Oh, my lord, it’s just his legs!”

Crow: “Oh, great Ross, take your jacket off; you wouldn’t want anything thick and leathery between you and the road.”

And of course, Ross wins, and another five minutes of our lives are gone.

And biker chick starts making out with Ross.

Crow: “Congratulations, you are now officially white trash.”

And Ross and biker-chick have sex out in the open on a make-shift mattress. Great.

Crow: “Does this mean you have to do something really stupid to get the girl?”
Joel: “Yep.”

Pointless bit where biker gets fresh with heroine, she beats him up, the end.

Long stretch with nothing much to comment on; heroine is mad at Ross for the aforementioned sex; despite the fact that she was supposed to be in love with his brother, not him (I guess the fact that they look exactly the freaking same has something to do with it).

Servo: “You know, mixing dice with chess really speeds up the game.”

Biker chicks and heroine pick up drugs from random oily guys.

Biker chicks get chased by policeman, one crashes and dies. Great, I don’t care! Just get on with it!

Anyway, this causes some problems, blah blah blah.

They do an extended ‘Kooky the Clown’ bit, which really isn’t that great.

(extend shot of biker-chick riding)
Crow: “Oh, great, you’re riding your bike, we get the point!”

Okay, heroine and biker chick go to bad-guy headquarters (the mobsters, remember? No? Never mind), get captured, as does Ross.

Servo (singing): “Budabadubuhbuh! You’re chick was killed! You’re chick was killed!”

Third Host Segment: Joel’s flashback; he’s writing a letter to ‘Sandy’ (?). He flashes back to the ‘scope’ sketch from Jungle Goddess. Fortunately it’s a pretty good sketch (“I am an ameba”).

Back to the movie, where Ross is getting beaten up by the bad guys (the head baddy is especially stiff).

Head Baddy: “Here’s the apartment key.”
Crow: “Tell Jack Lemon and Shirley McClain I want ‘em out!”

(shot of a tied-up Ross at an odd-angle)
Crow: “Oh, my God, his head is gone!”

Oh, come on! The bad guys leave an electric cutter right next to our tied up heroes?

Joel: “Now, I’m gonna have to cut your hand off, so it might hurt. Which one do you write with?”

Ross quickly beats up bad-guys, until head baddy pulls out a gun.

Biker chick calls gang to come help.

Do the filmmakers realize that wrapping a belt around someone’s wrist does not prevent them from pulling the trigger? Apparently not.

What the freaking hell!? We randomly cut to a blond in a dress dancing in front of a mirror!

(Guy walks in on blond)
Servo: “Uh, ma’am, I believe this is my hotel room.”

And guy strangles here. No idea what this all was about.

Bad guy: “Let’s move.”
Crow: “Like you’ve never moved before; even slower!”

Bad guys put Ross and heroine in shipping crate, prepare to flee to Tahiti.

Bikers show up.

Big extension cord right in the middle of the shot!

And Bikers dog-pile bad guys, rescue Ross and heroine.

Servo: “Hey! Kill that guy, he’s the director; get him!”
(yes it, really is the director as a bad guy)

(Ross beats up director-as-bad-guy)
Joel: “And that’s for putting me in the movie!”

Heroine (on Ross’s bike): “What are you going to do with that thing?”
Crow: “Make a lamp out of it.”

And it’s implied that Ross has come to enjoy the biker lifestyle. And really, who wouldn’t? I mean, unless you’ve got a shred of common-sense, dignity, or moral-fiber?

Final Host Segment: Gypsy’s diary. She’s regressed a bit; more cow-like again. They discuss diaries and read a letter (it’s rather prophetic, predicting that they might soon have to watch Italian films). And a rather amusing bit with Frank at the end.

Stinger: Unintelligible trumpeter (this was cut from the version I watched, I’m afraid; from what I remember from the movie, it certainly was an odd bit, so I’ll give them points for that).

Movie Quality Rating:

1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. Jungle Goddess
10. Wild Rebels
11. The Corpse Vanishes
12. Ring of Terror
13. Untamed Youth
14. The Slime People
15. Project Moonbase
16. The Sidehackers
17. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
18. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
19. Hellcats
20. Rocket Attack USA
21. Robot Holocaust
22. Robot Monster

Conclusion: Very bad movie in a genre I don’t like, weak riffing and weaker host segments make for a pretty weak episode.

Final Rating: 4/10.

MST3K: Episode 208 – Lost Continent

This is one of the first episodes I ever saw and I’ve seen it over a dozen times since then. I hadn’t seen it all the way through in a long time, though, so this viewing was about as fresh as could be expected. Anyway, as you can probably tell, I really like this one; the movie is watchable, even good in parts (although not so much in others), the riffing is strong, and it contains an all-time classic host segment; what’s not to like?
The film is about a group of scientists who are testing a new type of rocket, which mysteriously fails to return as it was supposed to. Rather than waste the time and effort spent on it, they employ a couple of air force pilots to fly them out to where it crashed to look for it. However, when they get there they find the rocket crashed on an island, which they also crash on. As if that wasn’t enough, the rocket landed on top of a huge plateau in the middle of the island, which they dutifully climb, losing one of their number along the way (along with many viewers; this is an infamously long and boring sequence). At the top they find a jungle inhabited by dinosaurs; a few Triceratopses and a Brontosaurus, all of which are oddly cannibalistic. After some more searching and incident, they find the rocket, get the data they need, and lose their comic relief. They then start down, only to have the island start to erupt. They all make it to safety, though, and canoe away into the sunset.
Like I said, the film really isn’t all that bad; the effects are decent (stop-motion is always a plus) and there are some cool scenes, like a triceratops fight. The film boasts a really stellar cast for one of these things; Caesar Romero plays the pilot hero, Hugh Beaumont as a scientist, Whit Bissell as another scientist (the one who dies), Hilary Brooke, most famous as a co-star on the ‘Abbot and Costello Show,’ has a brief role, and Sid Melton is on hand as the comic relief mechanic. I’m also partial to Chic Chandler (who will show up in a short several seasons down the line) as the co-pilot and John Hoyt as the Russian scientist, Rostov, is, for me, the acting stand out; he really is genuinely good. Of course, all the actors are professionals and give solid performances (plus there’s the added bonus of seeing Hugh Beaumont – Ward Cleaver himself – in a dinosaur-adventure film).
The film’s main failing, really the only thing that keeps it from being a genuinely fun adventure flick, is the incredibly long, boring ‘rock climbing’ sequence; twenty minutes of watching six men climb a mountain. This goes on for so long that they apparently run out of music and a large stretch is completely silent! It’s a simply mind-numbing sequence which pretty much on its own justifies the film’s MST3king. For years ‘rock climbing’ will be their benchmark for film-watching horror.
Riffwise the episode is, as I said, very strong; plenty of quips about the cast (including a delightful series of ‘Leave it to Beaver’ references for Hugh), some hilarious expressions of agony during the rock-climbing sequence, and a few funny running gags, such as the ‘you ever fly one of these things?’ bit.
Host segment wise, we get a funny invention exchange, with Frank inventing a patently useless mobile-treadmill, the staircase, and the rowboat (I’ve heard a rumor that the mobile-treadmill is actually real now; I hope to God that’s not true). The stand out, though, is a simply hilarious segment where the satellite is visited by Hugh Beaumont, one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse (played by Mike Nelson). It’s a simply brilliant segment which only gets better if you’ve seen ‘Leave it to Beaver’; Mike makes a great Ward. The other segments are only okay; nothing too special. There’s an amusing-but-rather-annoyingly-preachy ‘explorers’ segment and a decent one about the ‘cool thing’ (hard to explain).
So, all in all, a classic episode, one of the highlights of Season Two for me.


Thoughts while watching:

Forgot to mention last time that Servo’s head was back to normal; the ‘haircut experiment didn’t work.

Opening: Coach Joel’s prep talk. It’s pretty funny, especially Servo as ‘super-destroyer.’ Also one of the few times they specifically mention recent episodes. Gypsy is also developing nicely; she’s much more like herself now, if not all the way.

Invention: I love Servo asking for ‘some arms that actually work.’ Mads: Frank gets to do the invention exchange. As usual, he fails; he develops a mobile treadmill; which is so hilariously pointless that you could actually see someone trying market it. It’s very amusing and he and Dr. F go on about the rock climbing in the movie. They don’t have time for Joel’s invention. We’ll see it next week.

Joel (seeing the title): “Lost Continent? I lost my keys once, but that’s ridiculous!”

Servo (seeing the smaller credits): “And all the insignificants.”

Another Sam Newfeld movie.

They react in dismay at the exterior footage of the military base, which, according to the IMDb, is stock footage from ‘Rocketship XM’.

Hey, more stock footage from ‘Rocketship XM!’

Servo (seeing Hugh Beaumont as a military scientist): “So, that’s what Ward does at the office.”

They do some funny riffs on the guys watching the bleeping screen.

Rostov: “What’s its rate of climb?”
Crow: “Two-thousand feet, mein fueher!”

(as things are going well)
Joel (as scientist): “Hello Nobel!”

Servo repeatedly does the line ‘Jane! Stop this crazy thing!’ what is that a reference to?

(as things start going wrong)
Crow (Dean Martin voice): “Hey, Jerry, there’s something wrong with the stock-footage simulator”

Radio Operator: “Hello Neptune, come in.”
Servo (deep voice): “This is Neptune; God of the Sea!”

Joel (as scientist): “Good-bye Nobel.”

Rostov: “Are you sure you haven’t miscalculated?”
Joel: “Oh, right, I’m the jerk; it couldn’t be your crappy rocket!”

Scientist: “Not good is it?”
Servo: “No, it’s not good!”

Scientist: “Gentlemen, you represent the armed forces, you know what this test means.”
Servo: “This mean we can kill stuff?”

Scientist: “Those hours represent a large portion of our nation’s security.”
Joel: “And I’m talking to you Bob!”

So they lost the rocket, now they have to look for it or bad things will happen.

Scientist: “Get me a line to the White House.”
Crow: “Oh, the White House! We’re all impressed.”

Cut to Caesar Romero with Hilary Brooke.

Hilary: “The boys you train to fly, what are they like?”
Servo: “Oh, they’re dead.”

Caesar: “Hey, you had me doing this same show the other night!”
Servo (as Hilary): “I just wanted to see if you had any new material.”

Hilary: “You were taking me up to the door to say good-night.”
Crow: “You tried to use me as a key.”

(Caesar looks through the records)
Servo: “Hey look; the Dead, Mel Tormei, hey, here’s one of mine! Huh?”

(as they dance)
Joel: “I lead; give to Caesar what is Caesar’s.”

Sergeant: “Pardon me ma’am, is major Nolan here?”
Servo (as Caesar): “Oh, is that who I am?”

Caesar: “What is it, sergeant?”
Crow: “My neck, sir; it’s fused to my spine. Ow, ow, ow!”

So, Caesar gets called back to duty.

You know, I’ve seen this episode about a dozen times at least and I only just now got the joke where the Sergeant hands Caesar his address book and comments that he’s ‘an awfully tough man to follow.’ Now that I get it, it’s really pretty funny.

Cut to Sid Melton talking to a plane. I must say, I find him a good deal funnier than the Brains seem to have.

Offscreen Voice: “Sergeant Tatlow.”
Servo: “Hey, it does talk!”

Cut to Chic Chandler putting away his coat and talking to someone off screen.
Joel: “Everyone talks to inanimate objects in this movie!”

Sergeant: “Lt. Wilson?”
Chic: “One L or two?”
Servo: “Uh, five.”

Chic: “We had to crash on an island that’s loaded with guerilla resistance.”
Crow: “You make it sound so good I’m taking us in.”

Servo: “I gotta…uh, rr…ah, never mind that rest-stop, I’m fine now.”

I really like the interplay between Romero and Chandler; oh, for the days where practically every actor was a professional and they knew how to write dialogue!

Melton (about the plane): “I tell you she’s a dream, doc, my baby!”
Hugh: “If she could only cook.”
Joel: “Hey! You’re talking about the woman he loves!”

Crow (on Melton): “You’re really bucking for that section eight pal.”

Joel (as Rostov): “I could prove these guys don’t exist.”

Joel: “Uh, ‘genocide’ has a ‘c’ in it, sir.”

(as Melton offers Rostov some coffee)
Servo: “I don’t sleep; get away from me little monkey boy!”

They repeatedly use the quip ‘you ever fly one of these things’? Variations are coming up.

First Host Segment: Hugh Beaumont visits. This is easily one of the best segments of season two; Mike is hilarious as Beaumont, who claims to be one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse bringing a ‘message of unholy death. But first a stern talking to.’ One thing though; why does Mike have pipe? Ward never smoked a pipe, in fact he specifically says as much in one episode. Still, hilarious segment.

Servo: “This is the pilot; anyone back there ever flown one of these?”

(Melton checks his watch as the music changes)
Crow: “Hey, my watch has never done that before; it’s trilling!”

And the plane starts to crash.

Servo: “You ever crash one of these?”

Servo: “I was kidding about that death pact Hal; come on!”

Servo: “You ever dived one of these things?”
Joel: “We blew it, Phil.”

I think that’s the same footage used in ‘Jungle Goddess’.

(the plane crashes)
Servo: “Thank you for flying Northwest.”

Crow: “Hey, we landed on a witch! Maybe the film will be in color from this point.”

Bissel keeps mentioning his kids, sealing his fate.

Melton: “Hey, my watch is going! It stopped before but now it’s going!”
Servo: “Great. I’ll alert the media.”

(they take the door off the plane to get out)
Crow: “Uh, just put that anywhere.”

(during a fade out and back)
Crow: “Night falls swiftly in the jungle. But morning comes just as soon.”

Chandler: “Maybe we’re being set up for pigeons”
Crow: “And you’re the mother-loving pigeon of ‘em all.”
(no, I have no idea what Chandler meant)

Joel: “Well, just remember the rule, everybody; if you don’t understand it, shoot it.”

(as a woman and a boy walk out)
Crow: “Hey, Beaver, June, what are you doing here?”

Native girl: “Earth tremble, people frightened; leave in boats.”
Servo: “Oh, big day for you.”

Crow: “Uh, what happened to their torsos?”

Joel:”Hey guys, it looks like we’ve come upon a sacred burial mound; what say we defile it?”

Servo: “Have you ever walked through one of these before?”
Crow: “Will you let that die, please?”

And the rock-climbing sequence begins…

Crow: “Joel, why are we watching this dull mountain-climbing sequence?”
Joel: “Well, because it’s there.”

There’s a bit that they don’t note in riffing but mention in the episode guide; as they pull Melton up by his butt, Hugh Beaumont is in the background completely losing it.

Crow (as Rostov climbs): “Look, I’ll thank you not to touch my butt.”
Servo: “Just my hand, please.”

(as Hugh gets a reading on the Geiger counter)
Melton: “From the rocket?”
Crow: “No, from our hats, dickweed.”

Servo: “From the director who brought you that earlier stuff; more of the same!”

(as Caesar chokes on some gas)
Rostov: “What happened?”
Joel: “He loved too much.”

And they camp for the night.

Servo: “Bob, uh, I’m on fire.”

Joel: “Now, this is only for conversation, but if you were going to eat a human body, where would you start?”

(Caesar looks at Bissell’s picture)
Caesar: “Your family?”
Crow: “Came with the wallet.”

Crow: “Hey, Hugh, where’s the back of your skull?”

Hugh: “You married, Major?”
Joel: “You asking?”

Crow (as Rostov): “I don’t like the others; I’ll use their bones to butter my bread!”

(giant lizard suddenly shows up)
Crow: “Kitty!”

Rostov: “Up there! On the rock!”
Joel: “You mean by that gargantuan lizard?”

Second Host Segment: The Explorers. It’s pretty funny, although as they mention, it’s rather annoyingly preachy. It’s mostly saved by the ending where it goes completely off the rails, and by Servo and Crow’s reactions (also Joel keeps stumbling over his lines; Kevin keeps having to help him. Fortunately it works in the context of the skit).

Caesar: “What did you see up there?”
Rostov: “A monster I’ve never seen before.”
Servo: “And then what?”

And they resume the climb.

Joel starts rock climbing!

Crow: “Hey, save the fog; we can use it in a Ridley Scott film.”

Servo: “Just a few more feet and we’ll be…a few more feet along.”

Crow: “Oh, my God! They’ve done it, they’ve done it! They’ve reached the…side.”

Apparently they’ve been climbing so long the soundtrack has run out.

Now the guys start really getting mad.

Joel: “What are they looking for!?”
Servo: “They FORGOT!” They don’t even KNOW!”

Crow: “Would someone please tell the director about compressing time through EDITING?!”

And Bissell starts to fall…

Crow: “You must die, my friend, to make the film more interesting.”

And there he goes.

Crow: “I’ve plummeted to my death and I can’t get up!”

Crow: “Damn. He has my keys.”

Fade out…and fade back in to more ROCK CLIMBING!

(about a gap in the mountain)
Caesar: “Think you can make that?”
Servo: “Oh, I don’t know: I’d have to heat my core to thirteen-thousand degrees, get involved in plate tectonics…”
Crow: “No the mountain, you idiot!”

Joel took his shoe off to try to trip them!

Joel (as Caesar): “Well, this should thin the cast a bit, leave more lines for us.”

Servo: “You know, even rock climbing movies don’t have this much rock climbing!”

And after about twenty-minutes of them climbing the mountain, they hit the top.

Joel: “Oh, great, there’s an elevator! We could’ve rode up!”

Melton: “I think I’ve gone color blind!”
Crow: “Well, if this movie were color that would mean something.”

Anyway, they find another jungle on the top of the mountain.

Caesar: “You can breath without your lungs screaming for help.”
Servo: “We’re screaming for help!”

Caesar:”I’ll worry about that when the time comes.”
Crow: “God knows we’ve got plenty of THAT lying around!”

Melton: “Hey, major, we’ve picked something up!”
Servo: “Let’s hope it’s a virus and it kills them all!”

Rostov: “That stuff is the most mysterious element in nature.”
Joel: “Love?”

And the first call back of “that square bugs me, he really bugs me!!!”

Crow: “Rules of the road boys; see anything, shoot to kill....I mean, don’t shoot it if it’s gonna advance the plot.”

I love how cheerfully Hugh is about them moving into an area of intense radioactivity. Apparently as long as the uranium isn’t refined, its radiation is safe.

And they find dinosaur footprints.

Hugh: “I’ve seen tracks like this before.”
Caesar: “Where?”
Servo: “Larry Mondello.”

Joel cites all the other films that used this set (or seemed to); Mad Monster, Jungle Goddess, and Rocketship XM.

Why is it that only the scientists in movies have heard of the most common dinosaurs, like Brontosaurus?

And we get a semi-decent stop-motion Brontosaurus!

Joel (as the Brontosaurus): “Hi, I’ve been waiting for the last fifty minutes, but I’ve gotta go; they tell me I cost over a thousand dollars a minute.”

And it charges them, and Hugh thinks the best way to escape it is to climb a tree!
Servo: “Yeah, climb up to mouth-level, real quick!”

And it knocks the tree over as they shoot at it.

Servo: “I see a dinosaur, but I hear an elephant.”

Joel: “Sorry I had to tie you guys up, but you were letting the film get away.”

I kinda like Hugh’s character; the over-excited scientist who complains he didn’t get a picture of the bronto that almost killed him.

Hugh: “You know what a miracle is lieutenant?”
Crow: “The words ‘The End’?”

(Bronto/elephant noise as the camera focuses on Caesar and Rostov)
Crow: “Oh, very impressive!”

(as they talk about the uranium they’re basically sleeping on)
Servo: “One day I’ll be able to tell this to my three-headed grandchildren.”

Rostov: “You are a cynical, suspicious man, aren’t you Nolan?”
Crow: “No I’m not! Who told you that?”

Brief bit of Melton dreaming about a plane; Joel comments that he feels dirty after listening to that.

By the way, what animal is it that makes that ‘oo-oo-oo-ah-ah-ah’ sound you hear in every single jungle movie?

And they wake up to find Hugh and Rostov are off on their own.

Caesar (to Melton): “You were on guard; why didn’t you stop them?”
Servo: “Well you know how unstable I am!”

Crow: “Hey, who brought the sting-base?”
Servo: “It’s a contra-basso, sir.”
Crow: “Shut-up, maggot!”

And they find Rostov and Hugh trapped in rocks and besieged by a triceratops.

Caesar: “Go ahead and yell, loud!”
All: “YAAAHHH!!!”

And there’s a triceratops fight that comes out of nowhere. As Crow says, it’s the coolest part so far.

Third Host Segment: The cool thing. It’s alright; Joel reenacting a scene from the movie with toys at the beginning is pretty funny. This might be the first time they shown stage right of the satellite, which has a big window. And we go back to Deep 13 for a rare mid-episode visit.

Crow: “Meanwhile, in a less-interesting part of the film.”

Man, Hugh is cheerful in this movie, as Crow notes; he basically just laughs off nearly getting himself and the rest of the expedition killed.

Funny bit where they all pass under a log and the guys have them bumping their heads.

Nice scene between Rostov and Caesar, where Caesar apologizes for suspecting Rostov and Rostov basically explains that he’s used to it. They’re both decent actors and the scene is nicely played.

Rostov: “No country can survive if it loses the respect of its own people or the world.”
Servo: “Hasn’t stopped the good U.S. of A!”

Caesar (angrily): “Are you bored?”
Servo (same): “Yes, I’m bored! Let’s do something!”

Man, during Caesar’s big inspirational speech Hugh is in the background beaming; you just can’t get the guy down!

And more random wandering around. That’s all this film has been for the last forty-minutes or so; wandering around, occasionally interrupted by some random action.

(as they lean against a huge rock-pile)
Joel: “Uh, you won’t be happy when you find out what you’re leaning in.”

Crow: “Brain the size of a walnut.”
Joel: “Dinosaurs?”
Crow: “No, the director.”

Servo (on Caesar): “I’ll just stand here; tall and proud, keeping America…well, South America…Latin America safe for democracy.”

(Hugh unfolds a piece of paper)
Crow: “’You will die at the hands of a triceratops’?”

And Melton gets killed by a triceratops. Rather surprising; comic relief characters tend not to die in movies like this.

And we immediately cut to the next scene. As Joel notes; that was a short mourning period.

Servo: “Guys, now it’s the trip down!”
All: “No!!”

The trip down takes much less time, of course; the film’s almost done.

Servo: “You know, guys, if you ask me, I’d say they just reversed the film here.”

Rostov: “The whole mountain is blowing up under us!”
Servo: “Yep, the model doesn’t look too good either.”

They all get up and react to the avalanche/earthquake.

Servo: “They’ve come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.”

And the island blows up, but they steal a boat from the abandoned village.

Why is it lost worlds always blow up right after being discovered?

Crow: “Get away! The stock-footage is erupting!”

(as our heroes float to safety in a canoe)
Crow: “Ah, safe, out of danger. SHARK!”

Servo: “What do you think they’ll call the sequel?”
Joel: “Uh, ‘Padding and Paddling’?”

Final Host Segment: AMC-style discussion of the film. Their anecdotes get increasingly ridiculous, ending with Crow: “Director Newfield, known Nazi spy, cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac, used to amuse the cast and crew by doing terrible things to dog with a fork.” And there’s a letter.

Stinger: Explorers cuddle by the fire; one of those ‘meh’ Stingers for me; I just didn’t find it that weird a scene. Something with Melton would have been better.

Movie Quality Rating:

1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. Jungle Goddess
10. Wild Rebels
11. The Corpse Vanishes
12. Ring of Terror
13. Untamed Youth
14. The Slime People
15. Project Moonbase
16. The Sidehackers
17. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
18. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
19. Rocket Attack USA
20. Robot Holocaust
21. Robot Monster

Conclusion: A semi-watchable movie, plus some strong riffing and one all-time classic host segment make for a very strong episode.

Final Rating: 8/10.