This is a rather famous episode, and justly so; the movie shown here is the first of the ‘eighties sci-fi’ flicks which they’ve seen, and it’s a HILARIOUSLY awful movie. Not quite in the same league as ‘Robot Monster,’ but close (again, for an overview of this movie’s charms, check out the typically hilarious and insightful review at http://jabootu.net/?p=621).
Okay, here’s the plot, as well as I can gather it; it’s the Future, after the apocalypse (according to the opening narration, this was caused by a robot rebellion). The robots rule, the humans are slaves, kept in servitude by ‘The Dark One’ (whose imaginative name is typical of the film’s writing). The Dark One keeps them enslaved by controlling their air and threatening to turn off the air-cleaner and poison them all. Except that a surprising number of people, including Amazons, Mutants, and…some other group are immune to it (our hero, Neo, comes from the latter group).
Anyway, some scientist named Jorn invents a device to allow the few people who aren’t immune breath the poison air (oddly, it goes on the side of the head). The robots capture him and his daughter joins up with Neo and an annoying comic-relief robot (And a few random slave guys) to trek out of the city, then back again to destroy the Dark One (maybe it was just the print I was watching, or the riffing, but I had no idea what they were trying accomplish by leaving the city).
They have some time-wasting adventures, including a confrontation with some Amazons, and eventually make their way back to the air-processing plant, where the Dark One dwells.
Also there is the Dark One’s number-one gal, Valeria. Often in MST3K there is a specific character in the film who captures the Brains’ imagination. Valeria is definitely that one here; she’s an aggressively terrible actress (considering the general level of acting talent on display here, the mere fact that she stands out so much is pretty indicative of how bad she is) with a very strange accent which seems to get worse and worse as the film goes on.
Riff-wise, the film is pretty mediocre; rather standard for season one. This is one of those movies you wish they could do over again with the whole crew; with the skill they develop over the next season or two, this could have been an all-time classic. They get off some good riffs, of course, but it’s rather frustrating to know that they could have done so much better later on. The host-segments are amusing, but there aren’t any stand outs (my favorite is the third, where Tom tries to get Joel and Crow to play his post-apocalyptic adventure and gives himself the best role).
This episode also is the first example of the thankfully rare editing decisions which are simply inexcusable; here it’s the decision to cut off the short (another Cody serial episode) about halfway. The thing that makes this especially galling is that if they had cut the movie’s credits and maybe a scene or two in the rest of the film, they could have easily watched the entire short. What’s more, the credits don’t inspire any good riffs; indeed, they seem pretty bored during them. And, just to add some more salt to the wound, they leave before the credits are done, and we just watch the credits for about a minute without any riffs whatsoever! It makes me almost literally mad when they do this sort of thing, but fortunately they almost never do (indeed, off the top of my head I can only think of one other example, and we’ll reach that one soon enough).
So, frankly, I was a little disappointed with this one; its reputation led me to expect more, but about the only thing that really made it was the movie itself.
Thoughts while Watching:
Opening; Joel explains the premise again. Crow’s jaw is really messed up and his controlling wire is really distracting.
Invention Exchange: Joel; Nitro-burning-funny pipe; Joel lights a match on Crow. It’s kind of a weird one. Mads; ski-mask with expressions. It’s pretty funny, despite Dr. Earhart’s voice, which is really getting to me.
More Commando Cody (although not for long here)…
Servo: “Right in the plywood!”
This was actually one of the better cliffhangers; Cody’s sidekick’s air hose broke. The resolution is kind of lame, though; Cody simply reattaches it. Still, it beats another car-crash.
Joel: “Ted, we can’t take your puppet everywhere!”
Yeah, it’s a moon-car; why do they need to ‘ditch it’?
And they capture the moon-man, and just order him to go to his quarters; they don’t even post a guard on the guy! Well, even the bad-guys were polite back then.
The Film broke? That’s pretty lame, especially since, like I’ve said before I love serials. I guess they didn’t have quite enough time to show both the short and the film, but frankly if that was the case they should have edited the film a bit more; this is just disappointing. Joel and the bots seem pretty disappointed too. I think this was the only time they did this, thank goodness.
Anyway, Robot Holocaust; classic bad movie from the eighties. Their first color movie (again, not counting ‘Women of the Prehistoric Planet’).
Narrator fills us in; Servo will quote this for years. “The world had been brought to its knees by the…Robot Holocaust!”
Lame sorta-gladiatorial fight.
More narration.
One robot is picking pockets in a VERY obvious manner; he just walks up to a guy and reaches for his pocket. He looks a bit like C-3PO and he has a VERY annoying voice.
Joel wants to join the fight.
Evil robot; ‘Kiiilll hiiimmm!’
Old guy is a terrible actor! Of course, so is everyone here.
Mean robot is ‘Torq.’
First host segment: the ‘We-Zone;’ a world that revolves around the bots and only the bots. It’s mildly amusing; the bots make Joel do a lot of tricks. And some very fake Joel-legs. (incidentally, this segment refers to something that hasn’t happened in the film yet. They do that sometimes.)
So, the Dark One notices the old guy could breath, but not the hero-guy. Not very observant for an evil overlord.
I like how no one reacts to hero-guy grabbing the girl.
Girl: “Who are you to keep me from my father?”
Crow: “Dave,”
So, the annoying-robot guy talks for the hero (whose name is ‘Neo,’ by the way). No, wait, he’s talking for himself now; that was a short-lived plot point (thank goodness).
Wait, why does the breathing thing go in her temple?
Neo sounds like he’s reading his lines off a cue-card (which he probably is).
Servo: “I guess it’s a wasteland, if you ignore that big city behind you.”
Well-tended wasteland with a clear foot-path. Right.
Time-wasting encounter with Amazons.
Amazon: “I am yours to do what you want with me.”
Crow: “Alright!”
Man, these people cannot act at ALL!
Valeria: “Dew yew untersand?”
Joel: “No, none of us understand!”
Valeria is probably the worst actress here; and that’s REALLY saying something.
Jorn (old guy): “I have nothing to say.”
Joel: “Except for what I just said.”
Valeria: “Torq, take him to the Room of Questions!”
Crow: “Where is the Room of Questions?”
Underground cavern. Why? Because we need to pad out the running time.
Sock-puppet monsters! Joel is moving his hands like the puppets!
I really can’t follow the story here; but the film is so ridiculous it really doesn’t matter.
Extra gets bitten because of his own stupidity.
Servo: “This whole movie is just socks and violence.”
Servo: “This is some good work for the out-of-work hand models.”
And now they’re outside; the tunnel was apparently about a hundred feet long.
Valeria: “Dew yew wich to sey anyting?”
Joel: “Yes, do you know Elmer Fudd?”
Mutant-cannibal attack; kind of random, of course.
That one guy just kind of touched the guy with his knife and killed him.
Second Host Segment: Servo has a date with the McGuffy Triplets (?). There’s a laugh track here; I guess they’re parodying sitcoms. Cam-Bot’s Sitcom simulator malfunctions, so he has to shut down for a second. Not bad.
Valeria sounds like she can barely remember her lines. The same with Jorn.
The scene kind of peters out.
Very obvious matte-painting.
Neo finds his dead father (this is the first time we’ve heard of it).
Joel: “A being so hideously expensive that we couldn’t afford to show it in this scene.”
Servo: “Of course you’re being watched, you’re in a film, idiot!”
Crow: “How did Rosencrantz and Guildenstern get into this film?”
The plan the slaves come up with here is ripped-off from “Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster” (which will be shown in the next season).
What the...what happened? Where are they? I think they skipped a scene or two.
Crow (on Torque): “A Cylon wanna-be.”
What the…she’s ‘caught in the web’, but is barely even touching the web, and she’s on the other side from the direction she ran…and the ‘Beast of the Web’ is a single spider-leg-rod-puppet! Come on!
And they camp out in the basement. Really, they made a campfire in the evil-overlord’s basement (I think; it’s hard to tell what’s going on at times).
Random guy wanders off for NO REASON WHATSOEVER!! (except to die)
Servo (on a skeleton): “I think I found Granpa, though,”
Crow (as an evil robot-monster attacks: “Kitty! Bad Kitty!” (possibly the very first ‘kitty’ line; one of Crow’s catchphrases).
This is the third time those two guys have reviewed their heroic plan! We get it already!
Dear God, there’s still about twenty minutes left!
Servo: “Somebody’s been watching ‘Alien’” Yep. Major rip off.
Amazon sets off the alarm system. Please say this means we’re getting towards the end!
Joel: “Can the balloon-juice, sparky, just do something, will-ya!”
Servo (on the annoying comic-relief robot): “A week before that guy was playing ‘Hamlet’”
Crow (as the comic-relief robot goes nuts): “That, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the liberators of Earth. Pathetic.”
You know, why don’t the robots (who have laser guns) just go and shoot the heroes? They could crush the rebellion in about a second! Come on here!
Again, I have no idea where they’re supposed to be in relation with the other characters.
What the…what is happening?
Crow: “Boy, oh boy, if I weren’t a light fixture…”
In the close up you can see Neo glancing down occasionally; is he reading his lines?
Time wasting bomb-disarming scene. Frankly I’m with the Amazon, who wants to just let the bomb go off and kill the random guy.
Joel: “Taking someone out of an omnipresent being’s sight is pretty tough to do when you think about it.”
Third Host Segment: Servo tells the story of the human rebellion; Servo gives himself the best role (“Servo the Bloodletter”) and assigns Joel as Geekor the Animal Sidekick. It’s pretty amusing; Servo’s personality is completely intact here.
What the…why do these robots have SWORDS!!?? We saw Torque using a laser earlier in the film! Who wrote this thing?
Torque vs. Neo; standard hero vs. dragon fight (except it’s lame).
Crow: “In the future, all robots will act like Don Knotts.”
Joel: “I saw Darth Vader do that once.”
Joel: “Always get a contract when you’re dealing with a dark, omnipotent power.”
Crow: “Joel, if we ever get like these bots, will you please shut us down.”
Valeria gets burned, reveals she’s a robot (I would have thought the Dark One would have known that), so she decides to take everyone down with her.
Random guy gets killed; which makes that bomb-scene look even more pointless (except as padding, of course).
Now Comic-relief robot takes evil robot out.
Wait, I thought the Dark One was about to be destroyed; he still has time to chat with the girl.
Torque finally uses his laser and hits the Amazon. Then he just kind of walks off. Man, this is the lamest evil overlord organization ever!
Haha! Jorn is turned into…like a big potato thing.
Crow: “Hey, honey, remember my torso? It’s chip-dip now.”
Torque, you moron, just shoot him! You tried once before, now get it right!
And she shuts down the air. Okay, whatever; I don’t care!
Comic-Relief Robot shoots Valeria.
What the…our hero tries to strangle Torque, who, in case you’ve forgotten, is a ROBOT!!
Neo is clearly in Torque’s field of vision, but he still gets the drop on him.
The Dark One tries to pull the ‘we can rule together’ trick on Neo. Has that EVER worked?
Comic-relief robot turns the air on. Which, if I’m following this, has been off for about five minutes now; I think it’s a bit late for that (although all the humans seem happy enough).
Okay, the Dark One’s dead, Jorn’s dead, girl is angry at Neo, but everyone is free and happy, except for the girl.
A lot of the time when they watch the credits, their conversations kind of wander; like it does here. They really should have skipped the credits and kept the rest of Cody. They sound bored.
Servo refers to the ‘heating grid’ which is the in-show explanation for why Joel has to carry him in and out of the theater.
Come on! The credits keep going after they leave! Why the hell didn’t they keep Cody? Very occasionally they do things like this that just make no sense.
Final Host Segment: They present the ‘plant guy’ contest, which culminates in the final segment of ‘Women of the Prehistoric Planet.’ And a letter.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. Mad Monster
3. The Crawling Hand
4. The Corpse Vanishes
5. The Slime People
6. Project Moonbase
7. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
8. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
9. Robot Holocaust
10. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Riffing is only so-so, host-segments only so-so, and annoyingly pointless editing decisions kind of bring down the episode. The simply hilariously bad movie saves it, though.
Final Rating: 6/10
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