MST3K – Episode 203: Jungle Goddess (with short: The Phantom Creeps; Episode 1))

            Jungle Goddess is, for me, a rather middle-of-the-road episode; it’s not brilliant, but it is very amusing and enjoyable; a nice ‘basic’ episode.

            The story revolves around Bob and Mike; American charter pilots in Africa. Bob gets the idea for a get-rich-quick scheme to find a millionaire’s long-lost daughter, who had disappeared over the jungle at the start of WWII. Mike is reluctant, but Bob convinces him and they start their search. They land and are found by natives, one of whom Bob shoots (as Mike later says, he’s ‘a little trigger happy’). They get captured and brought before the White Goddess, Greta (who, of course, is the millionaire’s daughter they’re looking for), who sentences Bob to death. Mike and Greta talk and she tells him her story, plans to escape with them, and falls in love with Mike.

            Meanwhile Bob, who is stupid and evil, wants to ditch the girl and shoot their way out with his revolver. They argue, fight, Bob ‘accidentally’ shoots another native and they have to flee. Bob beats up Mike and takes the gun, then when they’re back at the plane he attacks Mike again and gets a spear in his back from the evil Witch-Doctor (is there any other kind?). Mike and Greta escape and plan to return to strip mine the place and get rich.

            The movie is preceded by a short; the first episode of ‘the Phantom Creeps’ starring Bela Lugosi. The serial itself is nowhere near as fun as ‘Commando Cody’ was, despite the presence of Bela and a giant robot; mostly it’s hampered by a very bad script, even for a serial, which is clunky in the extreme. Still, it’s not a total waste of time; Bela is always fun to watch and the guys have some fun with their Lugosi impersonation. Still, you can see why they’ll soon abandon serials.

            The movie itself is kind of fun in an old-jungle-movie way (that is, your mileage will vary greatly depending on your tolerance for out-dated racial and cultural attitudes). Bob is so stupid and evil that you really have to wonder how he got any job or partner in the first place, and the movie has kind of a lazy, paint-by-numbers feel to it. The riffing is pretty good, particularly the many jokes at Bob’s expense and the occasional Superman joke (Mike is played by George Reeves). It gets a bit preachy at times, but considering the movie that’s not really to be wondered at. The host segments are generally pretty good, with the exception of the kind of lame ‘Bela’s OK discoveries’ one, which doesn’t really go anywhere. My favorite is the visit by the White Devils; Mike and Jim are hilarious.

 It is also nice to see Kevin Murphy and Frank Coniff settling into their roles; both of them have great chemistry with Trace Beaulieu (for Murphy, this is particularly noticeable in the ‘scope’ sketch).

 

 

Thoughts While Watching:

 

Opening: Joel and the bots play hide-and-seek with the ‘elusive and inexplicable powers which govern the universe.’ Amusing, and we get to see Tom’s extend-o-neck again.

 

Invention exchange: Joel: The radio arm-saw; a circular saw attached to a remote control car. The Mads: Dr. F is attached to a baritone sax. This is a great exchange on both sides; Joel gets to do a ‘Loony Toons’ style gag, and Dr F’s is just weird as all get-out.

 

Another Serial! This one is the Phantom Creeps staring Bela Lugosi.

 

They do the cast list in their Lugosi voice.

 

Crow (as Lugosi looks at a skull): “Maybe I shaved him too close…”

 

Lugosi gives some particularly naked exposition here.

           

Thug (on the robot): “I don’t see what good it’ll do, the cops’ll never let anything like that walk down the street.”

Crow (as Lugosi): “Shut up, it just plays tapes!”

 

Hey, is this the first mention of Richard Kiel? Kiel will show up with some regularity later on.

 

Rather ridiculous bit where Lugosi is so busy doing a villain speech he doesn’t notice the robot is trashing the room.

 

Lugosi’s ‘wife’ shows up (this is a rather interesting and humanizing element in a serial; they generally didn’t grant their villains much of a life outside of conquering the world).

 

They do the Lugosi voice ever for characters besides Lugosi!

 

Lugosi’s invention really isn’t that great…

 

Lugosi is kind of inconsistent here…this really isn’t a very good script even for a serial.

 

 Rather ridiculous bit where Lugosi tests his invisibility belt and it doesn’t work.

 

Crow: “Turn the dial on the electric dance-belt and pick up my manhood, it’s under the chair.”

 

Now it works! Well, you can still see an animated blur where he is, so it’s not that great.

 

Crow (As the robot): “If you guys don’t mind, I’ve got a Michilin Man reading in an hour.”

 

Good, Lugosi got rid of his goofy beard; it really didn’t suit him.

 

Servo: “I just love informing on people.”

 

Lugosi: Pick up that man!”

Henchman: “What, do you mean give him a ride?”

Servo: “No, ask him out, what do you think I mean?”

 

Okay, that was really confusingly edited sequence; basically Bela’s car and another, random car ran off the road and Bela’s car exploded (he’s fine, though).

 

The origin of the ‘How fortunate, that simplifies everything’ line.

 

Lugosi comes up with a rather ill-conceived plan to incapacitate his wife. It hits the pilot instead. 

 

Oh, for the days when the standard reaction to a crashing airplane was to grab a parachute and jump.

 

First Host Segment: Bela’s Okay Discoveries. Joel flubs his lines, there’s not much to this one, except for Tom and Crow’s accents. Also at the end for Dr. F taping his head back on.

 

Okay, now Jungle Goddess, staring George Reeves in his pre-Superman years.

 

Crow: “Enjoy the only exterior shot.”

 

Fintuzler again! What is that?

 

Look, I know you had to have a song in movies back then, but was it really a good idea to open with it? It doesn’t exactly grab the audience; maybe they were giving the audience time to come in.

 

Bob here flirts with the singer.

 

Servo: “Hey, did you take my red underwear with the big ‘S’ on it?”

 

Bob tries to convince Mike (George Reeves) to go after the lost girl for the reward (no, not that kind of reward).

 

Rather over-powered binoculars (they can see animals clearly form the air, and from a side perspective at that).

 

Servo: “Come clean with me Frank, tell me you haven’t had the urge to ram this baby into the ground.”

 

And they land in the jungle.

 

Joel (over a snake): “Hi, I’m Satan, enjoy the film.”

 

The natives close in…

 

And Bob immediately shoots one of them on sight; they get captured.

 

Cut to our heroine, the titular ‘goddess’ who is with her personal servant/friend, whom she’s teaching spelling.

 

She balls our heroes out and puts them on trial. Mike is pardoned, Bob is sentenced to death.

 

Bob: “I’ve been in better jails in my life.”

Joel: “That’s nothing to brag about, Bob.”

 

Mike is frankly being pretty insensitive here, reminding Bob about how this whole thing is his fault.

 

Second Host Segment: The different scopes; it’s very funny, especially Tom and Crow’s appropriate little sketches. It gets weirder and weirder as it goes on. My favorite is the ‘High-Powered-Scope-Scope, just for Servo’s dialogue.

 

Girl invites Mike into her tent to talk.

 

So, wait, the natives would treat them like gods if they just stood there and been nice, but when they demonstrate they have the power to instantly kill them they are shown to be mere mortals?

 

Back story. About what you would expect.

 

Servo (as old lady goes on and on): “My skull’s starting to hurt, could you clam up?”

 

Crow: “Uh, when you were in flight school, did they teach you how to scream?”

 

Servo (as the plane crashes): “So do you want to tell them or should I?”

 

Yeah, she was the only survivor…and completely unharmed, barely ruffled…right.

 

Crow does his ‘kitty’ bit over a lion.

 

Crow (as natives): “She thinks we speak English.”

 

Joel (ask Mike): “Does this story have a point?”

 

They plan their escape.

 

Mike (on his plane): “It’s about a mile from where your plane crashed.”

Crow: “Must be the accident zone.”

 

Greta: “Obey my every command, no matter how strange it may seem.”

Joel: “Oh wow!

 

Greta comments that she doesn’t like Bob, leading Mike to defend him. Uh, I really hope she doesn’t like Bob primarily because he shot a guy.

 

Fade away, open on the guys standing around…

Tom: “That was incredible.”

 

And Bob is still just thinking about money! Is anyone that stupid and paranoid.

 

Mike gets to eat with the girl, Bob with her servant/friend.

 

Wait, a tribe that lives in the jungle doesn’t like the jungle at night!?

 

The origin of the ‘hamburger and nice French-fried potatoes’ line!

 

Mike: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.”

Crow: “Hey! You’re in luck!”

(turns out he is! Well, Zebra anyhow)

 

And Bob takes advantage of servant/friend’s limited English to make fun of them. Why don’t we want him to die again?

 

Servant/friend: “Why everyone say you white devil?”

Tom: “Because I kill indiscriminately.”  

 

Joel (on the ore Mike’s found): “It saps all your power if you’re a visitor from another planet.”

 

And they make plans to strip mine the jungle…if they get out alive. Truly it was a different time.

 

Bob: “I’d stake my life on it.”

Crow: “That’s already in the kitty Bob.”

 

And Bob wants to dump the girl and make a break for it. Man, this guy is so cartoonishly evil it’s a surprise anyone ever took up with him.

 

Man, Bob is as stupid as he is evil.

 

Tom (as characters defend Bob): “Yeah, he’s not thinking as clearly as when he shot that guy.”

 

And Mike and Bob fight over the one gun left. Joel and the bots make with the Superman jokes. “Far beyond mortal man, eh?”

 

Crow (as native): “Guano hit fan!”

 

And Bob accidentally shoots another guy!

 

So, wait, they take Bob but not the native friend girl? Why do they have to leave her again?

 

Tearful departure scene…

 

Tom: “Hey, Bob, there’s a living thing, why don’t you swing into high and kill it?”

 

Crow: “Hey, Bob, when you were a kid and you had pets did you kill them? And what did happen to your sister?”

 

The natives are clearly just standing still for about a half-second before someone yells action and they start running!

 

Third Host Segment: The White Devils visit. Mike Nelson and Jim Mallon are the devils (Mallon is also Gypsy). They’re hilarious! The sketch is a bit preachy, but still funny. The running gag with Jim’s gun is particularly good. The view screen now slides back up afterwards.

 

Tom says it perfectly: “Let me get this straight; you survived in the jungle for six years and now you’re telling me you just sprained your ankle on a piece of moss? Get real!”

 

Bob’s actually kind of reasonable here; frighteningly enough.

 

Bob: “White Goddess having trouble?”

Crow: “White Fascist getting smart?”

 

Crow (on a bunch of natives around a fire): “And there on handle was spear!”

 

Greta is primarily concerned with women’s hats?

 

Rather over extended scene of Mike being the only one awake…

 

Cut to them fighting; the must have cut a rather lengthy scene here. Anyway, Bob wins and takes the gun and compass.

 

Joel: “I have a confession to make; we lost the trail about four miles back.”

 

Guys, this is not the time to have a moment!

 

Bob panics and shoots at a coconut…

 

He panics some more…

 

And he attacks the good guys…

 

And the witch-doctor throws a spear into Bob, Mike shoots him.

 

“Poor devil?” Well, Mike’s half right…

 

Mike tells her about Colorado, all Greta can think about is hats!

 

Final Host Segment: My White Goddess; the sitcom sequel to Jungle Goddess. “Bill? Did he go on another wild killing spree?” It’s pretty funny, especially Tom Servo as Bill, the trigger happy friend. And this is the origin of Crow’s odd nickname, Art (Joel refers to him as ‘Art Crow,’ like in “The Honeymooners”).

 

And letters; again, it kind of interrupts the pace of the final host segment.

 

Movie Quality Rating:

           

1.       The Crawling Eye

2.       The Black Scorpion

3.        Mad Monster

4.       Rocketship XM

5.       Moon Zero Two

6.       The Crawling Hand

7.       Jungle Goddess

8.       The Corpse Vanishes

9.       Untamed Youth

10.   The Slime People

11.   Project Moonbase

12.   The Sidehackers

13.   Women of the Prehistoric Planet

14.   Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

15.   Robot Holocaust

16.   Robot Monster

 

            Conclusion: A rather lame short, a kind-of-fun, but lazy and way outdated movie, and decent but not spectacular riffing and host segments make for a solid, but middling episode.

           

            Final Rating: 6/10.

MST3K – Episode 202: The Sidehackers

            This is one of those movies which I really think they shouldn’t have done. The episode isn’t bad, and the riffing is about as good as could be expected, but the movie itself is so unpleasant and dreary that it really brings the whole episode down, at least for me.

            The story revolves around Rommel (no, not that one); a motorcycle mechanic and part-time Sidehacker. Sidehacking involves attaching a side car to a motorcycle and having a passenger lean out to balance the bike on the turns. This also has the odd effect of somehow removing all the excitement from motorcycle racing; I think it’s because the addition is so completely pointless, indeed, counter-productive that it jams the brain and prevents any enjoyment from seeping through.

            Anyway, Rommel has a girlfriend, and a married best friend, and pretty much everything is going swimmingly until JC, a crazy exhibition rider, and his crew shows up. JC and his girlfriend both fall in love with Rommel, which, since JC is nuts, eventually leads him to beat up Rommel and kill his girlfriend. Rommel is bent on revenge and throws his life away gathering some help and proceeds to execute perhaps the worst thought-out revenge plot in history, which of course goes wrong, leading to many deaths, including his own, while JC waits to be picked up by the police.

            In the episode guide, they explain that they decided to do this film without watching it all, and so were horrified at the dark turn it takes about half-way through. While JC’s histrionics are funny in themselves, scenes like him punching his girlfriend and being a general jerk (and the cut scene of him raping and killing Rommel’s girlfriend) really bring the episode down.

            The host segments are generally pretty amusing, my favorites being the sidehacker song and the sidehacking terminology sketches. This seems to be a fan favorite, but it certainly isn’t one of mine. 

            Thoughts while Watching:

           Opening: Joel just gave the robots a bath and is about to put them down. They utter another peep after he specifically tells them not to.

 

            Invention Exchange: The bots want to stay up to watch the movie (why?). More Jerry and Sylvia. Joel; Gretchen the Slinky. This is one of my personal favorites, since the slinky is so cute! Mads; Dr. F.’s slinky bio-tube so he can be in two places at once. Mostly it’s good for the line “In space, no one can hear you sue.”

 

            Joel: “Postage-stamp theater presents!”

            (The film is shown through extremely tiny screens during the opening).

 

            I love their fake, dramatic titles; “Baby, can you drive my *murder*!” This might be the first example of it, but it’ll be a hilarious recurring joke for the rest of the series.

 

            Crow: “Hey, the whole Tessier clan got in on this!”

 

            Joel: “You know, now that Sidehacking is so big, it’s interesting to see its humble origins.”

 

            Wait, there really was a ‘Southern California Side-Hack Association?’ I never noticed that credit before, and I would never have believed this was ever a real sport if I hadn’t seen it (I’m still not sure I do).

 

            Sickening romantic montage of the sort you might see in a very special episode of ‘Knight Rider’ (except no talking car, mores the pity).

 

            Crow: “Hey, Joel, where do you suppose these people are working now that cigarette ads are illegal?”

             It does look like a cigarette ad!

 

            Joel: “You taste good too, but your…lips…are…drugged!”

            As the screen goes blurry.

 

            Joel: “Even this grass is…it’s…drugged!”

 

            One thing I do like about this movie is Ross Hagen’s gruffness as Rommel (no, not THE Rommel). He’s the romantic hero, but he’s still a tough, gruff guy. It’s a terrible script, but I like how he plays the character, at least in the beginning.

 

            JC, the bad-guy, shows up.

 

            Girl: “Exhibition riding; fairs, rodeos…”

            Servo: “Weddings, Bar-Mitzvahs.”

             

            Rommel: “I’m Rommel.”

            Crow: “Oh, you magnificent son-of-a-bitch, I read your book!”

 

            Rommel: “It’s called a side-hack.”

            Crow: “We built a whole movie out of it. We had to pad out the first scene with the meadow…”

 

            Friend tries to warn Rommel, Rommel shrugs, thinking it’s no big deal.

 

            More Side-Hacking. Say, where does the ‘Interesting, but stupid,’ line come from?

 

            Joel: “’No newcomer to this new sport’?”

            Good point, Joel.

 

            Man, this is a really stupid sport. I mean, I can more or less get Motorcycle racing, but this side-hacking thing is just a pointless.

 

            Cambot’s rare (possibly only) quip; he puts up an ESPN-style scoreboard around the film.

 

            First Host Segment: The Sidehacking Song. It’s really good; one of the first great songs. “Better get with the sport, because it won’t last long.” I must say, Joel isn’t much of a singer (especially compared with Kevin or Mike), but the song is so fun and his performance is so good that it doesn’t matter the slightest.

 

            JC tries Side-Hacking. Not only does this emphasize the stupidity and pointlessness of the whole thing, but also makes JC even more annoyingly incompetent.

 

            I know there probably are really people like JC whom people seem to gravitate towards for no reason whatsoever, but again, why does anyone hang out with people like this?

 

            And the movie starts veering sharply into unpleasantness, a territory it’s gonna stay in for a while (this makes it pretty hard to laugh at).

 

            Joel and the bots are angry at the film, as they should be (JC just punched his girlfriend in the stomach).

 

            Joel: “Try some of my forbidden fruit.”

 

            The source of the ‘chili peppers burn my gut’ line.

           

            Joel: “Hey, what’s the director doing in here?”

            The guy really does look like a director!

           

            I like Crow’s ‘There’s a Ladder in the way’ lines.

 

            Man, Rommel has to be the thickest guy on Earth; he needs JC’s girl to spell it out that she’s hitting on him.

 

            So, she just tears her clothes and instant-rape? She’s smiling and her hair isn’t even mussed! I know JC is crazy, but come on, girl, put some effort into it!

 

            By the way, should a married man really have that many girly pictures in his office? I mean, the Marines in ‘Aliens’ didn’t have that many!

 

            Cut to post-sex romp, with some particularly bad dialogue.

 

            I like their snoring ‘Rommel dialogue.’

 

            Servo: “Wake up, you desert fox, you!”

 

            Second Host Segment: They discuss new terminology for Side-Hacking. I remember when I first saw it I loved this sketch. It’s still pretty amusing. “It’s an exciting day indeed here at Japanese-War-Atrocity Park…” A good example of their weird, disjointed writing. (interestingly enough, they mention ‘fintuzler’ at least twice; I have no idea what that is, but they’ll bring it up again at least once in the first episode of the next season; more later).

 

            So, during the Host Segment, JC and his guys beat up Rommel and raped and killed his girlfriend (for obvious reasons, the scene was cut).

 

            What the…Rommel staggers into the house then IMMEDIATELY races back out.

 

            Sappy, sad song and montage.

 

            Crow: “We used to come here to club seals together…”

 

            Joel: “Funny, even these oil fields seem to remind me of her; I can’t put my finger on it…”

 

            Joel and the bots seem pretty sad about the events of the film (as well they should).

 

            Servo (on Rommel’s musings on the Bible): “Yeah, if you read it from the back it’s even more confusing.”

 

            Joel: “Okay, I go to the bank, go to dry-cleaners, get some lunch, kill JC’s gang…”

 

            Big-Jake! He’s…really not that big; just a little muscular (he was probably the biggest guy they could find). This also is the origin of the occasional call-back “he hit Big Jake!”

 

            JC is such a ham! He’s actually pretty hilarious most of the time, when he’s not being completely loathsome.

 

            Robot Holocaust call back!

 

            The day-for-night looks like a slightly over-cast noon.

 

            Man, Rommel’s friend’s wife is a really bad actress.

 

            Annoying hick guy tells a long, bad joke.

 

            Servo: “Hey, let’s just kill this guy for practice.”

 

            Annoying hick guy is REALLY annoying!

 

            By the way, there hasn’t been any side-hacking since about the fifteen-minute mark.

 

            Third Host Segment: The bots and Joel dress like Rommel when JC comes (played by Mike Nelson). What’s that whip-noise whenever they mention Rita? Mike is great as JC, Frank not so much as Cooch.

 

            I think you can see Servo’s control-stick when Joel hands him off.

 

            Crow: “Coochy, Coochy, Cooch!”

            (I’ve been waiting for someone to use that line since they first said Couch’s name).

 

Rather appalling scene where JC kills his girlfriend.

             

            Man, Joel said it: “I’m really glad it’s just a movie.”

 

            Hey, Crow called back to the previous episode!

 

            Man, Cooch really is one incompetent spy.

 

            Rommel lies and sends his friend away then attacks JC’s camp.

 

            Joel: “You think you’ve got problems, I’m not even supposed to be in this film!”

 

            And, Big-Jake gets shot (man, that whole ‘no guns, let’s attack without the police’ thing is looking pretty smart right now).

           

            Why did JC shoot Cooch? Oh, who cares, let’s just get this thing over with.

 

            Annoying hick-guy is a dead-eye with a pistol ridding a side-hack. Right. 

 

            Servo: “Okay, I’ve got to remember that I’m crazy; note to myself, load guns before killing spree.”

 

            And it’s just Rommel and JC. Again, if his plan was this stupid, why didn’t Rommel just wait for the police?

 

            It must be said that their fight is believably dirty.

 

            And Rommel just walks off after punching JC in the crotch. JC then shoots him, since he had landed right next to a gun. This is perhaps the single most incompetent vendetta in film history!

 

            Final Host segment: they talk about how depressing the film was and Joel sings ‘Love Pads the Film,’ again, the song and his performance carries over Joel’s singing defects. Gypsy provides back up. And we get to hear Kevin Murphy’s great singing voice for perhaps the first time. By the way, this song is basically the exact one from the film, with a couple lyrics added in.

 

            Now letters; You know, I never liked the letters much; they’re never very funny, and they kind of break up the pace of the final segment. Here’s a textbook example; they could have and should have ended right after the song, but they come back and add another couple of not-very-funny minutes on.

 

            Movie Quality Rating:

           

1.       The Crawling Eye

2.       The Black Scorpion

3.        Mad Monster

4.       Rocketship XM

5.       Moon Zero Two

6.       The Crawling Hand

7.       The Corpse Vanishes

8.       Untamed Youth

9.       The Slime People

10.   Project Moonbase

11.   The Sidehackers

12.   Women of the Prehistoric Planet

13.   Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

14.   Robot Holocaust

15.   Robot Monster

 

            Conclusion: A very bad and unpleasant movie brings down an episode with decent riffing and host segments.

           

            Final Rating: 6/10.

 

            

MST3K – Episode 201: Rocketship XM

MST3K – Episode 201: Rocketship XM

 (Disclaimer: First, a word of apology to all three of our readers for the delay; my brother's computer got completely destroyed by a virus a few days ago, so I've been staying off Internet Explorer. Now, however, I've managed to get Safari, so we're back in business (such as it is).)

            I think this is the first time they had the opening disclaimer; “Turn down your lights…where applicable.” It serves as an instant reminder that now the show really begins. Like how the Pink Panther movies really begin with ‘A Shot in the Dark,’ ‘Rocketship XM is the beginning of the MST3K we know and love. Let the epic begin!

            This is one of the most appropriate movies for MST3K, in terms of the episode’s significance. Rocketship XM was not the first sci-fi film of the 50’s, nor was it a particularly good one, but it showcased many, many ‘firsts;’ a rocketship, aliens, the subject of nuclear power, a female scientist who falls for a military hero, a hopeful, but cautionary view of science, and an awareness of something greater than science; themes and aspects that would define sci-fi for the next decade are here presented in their earliest incarnation.

            Much the same way, many aspects that we’ll generally associate with MST3K are here for the first time; the opening, TV’s Frank and his relationship with Dr. F, Kevin Murphy’s distinctive voice as Tom Servo, the put-together look of the ship’s bridge, the hexfield view-screen, the visits from odd characters, and, most of all, the brilliant writing are all on display here. Previous episodes may have been clever and funny, but here the writing really takes off, possibly thanks to their new ‘head writer,’ Mike Nelson (who also makes his first appearance as Valeria, more on that later).

            So, a historic episode with a very appropriate movie. Rocketship XM tells the story of the first trip to the moon (also, apparently, the first manned space flight; they don’t waste any time in this universe). Unfortunately, there’s a problem half-way there, so the ship stops (in space) and the two scientists have to recalculate their fuel. Due to the male scientist’s pig-headedness, they get it wrong and shoot off for Mars. There they find the remnants of an ancient civilization which had been wiped out by nuclear war. They also find martians, who attack the party, killing two and injuring one. They then find they don’t have enough fuel to make it back, so they crash and all die (really).

            Sorry, not too much to say about this one. For a very good (if, I’d say, a little too sensitive) review of the movie, check out ‘And You Call Yourself a Scientist’ (seriously, it’s a great site: http://www.aycyas.com/rocketshipxm.htm).

            Personally, I found it alright; a quite stupid, sometimes annoying movie with a few genuinely good moments. Plus it featured the first sci-fi appearance of Morris Ankrum, who would show up in movies like this a lot (not a lot of MST3K films though), usually playing a general. Here he plays a scientist, and is typically good. The riffing already shows a great improvement over the previous season, and it’s just gonna get better from here on out.

 

            Thoughts while watching:

           

            Ah the familiar opening song video; it was different in the first season, and this one is (slightly) more polished. It would remain the same (except for the brief film clip, which would change a few times, and an added scene or two at the end) until Mike took over in season 5.

 

            Opening: Servo’ new voice. Joel indicates that some ‘In show’ time has passed, and points out the changes in the satellite. Indeed, the set is much more decorated; more familiar, with the spray-painted gadgets all stuck on the wall. The only thing that really remains is the Hexfield, which is just a shade now. They’ll complete that in a few episodes. We also get to see the rarely-seen extend-o-neck on Servo.

 

            Servo’s first words in the voice we’ll grow to love. Kevin Murphy will define Servo, but for right now he tries to sound a little like Josh Weinstein. Oh, and our first meeting with TV’s Frank! They just say that Dr. Earhart is ‘missing’ (Joel will come up with an amusing alternate theory next season). Jerry and Sylvia, the Mole People who help out in Deep 13 for one season, also show up. Man, a lot going on here!

           

            Invention Exchange: Joel; the BGC19. It’s basically a powerlifter (think ‘Aliens’) with drums. Frank invents the exact same thing. (Frank tends to fail when he handles the invention exchange).

 

            The bots are already in the theater.

 

            Yeah! Morris Ankrum!

           

            Crow: “Stupid name by Ferde Groefe”

 

            Crow: “And now the cast of ‘I Married Four Astronauts’”

 

            ‘All newspapers’? The room is about the size of a classroom; I guess there really less news agencies back then. Oh, and call me cynical, but I don’t buy the idea that the press would sit on a story because the government said so.

 

            So, the first manned spaceship is a moon-shot? Man, they didn’t waste any time back then!

 

            Scientific mumbo-jumbo.

 

            It must be said, the Rocketship XM itself is kind of a nice design; the nose-fins are a nice touch.

 

            Crow: “Uh, could you repeat that part about the Moon?”

 

            Reporter: “Have you done any flying?”

            Joel (slyly): “Oh, yeah!”

 

            Comic-relief navigator. Of course, he’s Texan.

           

            Of course the guys openly leer at and joke about the girl. This is one of the really annoying thing about these movies.

 

            So, wait, there’s only eleven minutes until launch and the astronauts are holding a press conference!? They’re really flying this whole ‘moon’ thing by the seat of their pants, aren’t they?

 

            Ankrum: “Everybody return here after the takeoff.”

            Crow: “Uh, except the astronauts, we need them on the rocket.”

            Servo: “You’re an astronaut if you’re wearing dungarees and you’ve been training for two years.”

 

            And they stand there talking! Man, the rocket’s gonna launch without them!

 

            And I love the way the scientists simply say, “I can’t think of anything we’ve over looked.” Yeah, no need to check or anything. I mean, only five minutes to go!

 

            Joel starts climbing the ladder!

 

            I like the ‘good-night’ quips.

 

            Servo: “I hope this new chin holds out.”

 

            And they’re off!

 

            Standard ‘strained astronaut’ scene. Of course, this didn’t actually happen when people went into space.

 

            First host segment: The Reporters of Rocketship XM. Joel is really having trouble with his lines here. The sketch, though, is really funny; “Hugh Beaumont’s brother Spike.” Man their writing has really improved!

 

             So, she pulls the guy away from the controls of a rocketship to look out the window?

 

            Joel: “The press is a bunch of wussies! You alone in there?”

            (to a guy in a room full of reporters)

 

            Doesn’t anyone do any work on this rocketship?

 

            “We’re on our way!”

            Another frequent call back line.

 

            Man, Ankrum is young here!

 

            Pretentious speculation, bad comic relief.

 

            Really stupid ‘zero-gravity’ scene. Of course only a few things float around, since that takes time and money (fifty-cents a yard on the string).

 

            Standard ‘What’s a girl like you, blah, blah, blah.’ Again, that was a rather annoying aspect of some of these things, even for a social conservative like me. It’s not quite as bad as the stuff in ‘Project Moonbase,’ but it’s annoying nonetheless.

           

            By the way, the guys are making pig noises during the above.

 

            Crow: “Uh, Huston we have a problem, Lloyd’s making moves on the babe here.”

 

            Joel: “Well, we stared at it, that oughta fix it.”

 

            Crow: “Dear diary; well, we’re all going to die and it’s the men’s fault. Our fiery demise is imminent, but at least I still have my health. Knock on wood…”

 

            Crow: “Oh, great, a harmonica, as if this guy weren’t annoying enough!”

 

            Really annoying scene where the male scientist insists on using his own findings rather than the girl’s. She actually has a good point, but is ignored, since she’s a woman.

 

            How did the Rocketship stop/slow down dramatically in space?

 

            And the doctor fell asleep. So much for the ‘time is of the essence’ thing. Lloyd tells a completely pointless story.

 

            Servo: “uh, he’s waking up, start telling that story again.”

 

            Another one! I’m with the bots (they’re yelling ‘Shut up’)!

 

            Crow: “Have you ever tasted human flesh?”

           

            Second Host segment: Selective gravity demonstration. It’s pretty funny; Joel acts like a class-room demonstration. Crow isn’t paying attention. It gets weirder and weirder.

            Wait a second, there’s something written on the back of the flash-cards…are those Joel’s lines?!

 

            Joel (on the ‘romantic’ dialogue): “Oh, that’s romantic, I think I’ll go slit my wrists.” 

           

            Girl: “You are speaking of its (the moon’s) effect on men and women?”

            Servo: “No, tree-frogs.”

 

            Lloyd: “Did you ever park in an open convertible on a cliff overlooking the Pacific?”

            Joel: “and then drive off, laughing maniacally?”

 

            Crow (after the Swedish scientist-girl describes a romantic walk): Und zen I measured ze velocity of our walk.”

 

            Again, they’re wasting a lot of time when they’re supposed to be saving everyone’s lives.

 

            Joel, that’s like the fifth time you’ve used that ‘Where do you want to be in two years?’ quip; it’s not that funny, drop it, buddy!

 

            The very first meteorite shower of fifties sci-fi! (practically EVERY other movie that featured a rocketship had one of these).

           

            And they’re making a lot of noise despite the fact that a) there’s no sound in space and b) even if there was, there’s no air, so there’s nothing for them to be making sound with!

 

            More speculation that maybe ‘someone’ doesn’t want them to get to the moon. One thing I do like about these sci-fi movies is that they do tend to acknowledge God in a respectful way.

           

            The male scientist is really smug and annoying.

 

            And the new fuel proves disastrous. It knocks everyone out and sends them way off course. All because male scientist guy didn’t want to admit he might be wrong.

 

            Oh, so now they bring up the inertia thing? Sorry it’s too late now!

 

            And they end up at Mars (the big reveal of it through the window is pretty cool, actually).

 

            The male scientist immediately asserts that ‘something inifinetly greater’ has taken over. Actually, I think that’s your chauvinism, buddy; this IS all your fault, after all.

 

            By the way, I know they’re supposed to be scientists and all, but really, I don’t think anyone would be mad at them if they went back and tried again; they’re kind of out of their way and likely to die if they don’t.

 

            What the…they have a perfectly clear view of the earth and the moon from just outside MARS? Come on, you could’ve done better than that, guys; do you see Mars as a soft-ball sized object in the night sky? Good grief, this is ‘Loony Toons’ science!

 

            Wait, the clouds are sideways! Good grief, they just turned the cloud-screen on its side to indicate they’re going down!

 

                        They land right in the middle of a storm.

 

            Mars looks a lot like a desert. Rather like the south-western United States, in fact…

 

            ‘Planet of the Apes’ Reference.

             

            And they find ruins. They speculate that it was nuclear war.

 

            Geiger counter! One of the standard props in these things makes its appearance.

           

            Sigh, more speeches.

 

            Crow: “You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one of his speeches.”

 

            Is this the first ‘and there on the handle was a hook!’ joke?

 

            By the way, how much oxygen are they carrying in their small tanks, one a person?

 

            Third host segment: Joel and the bots are trading pretentious phrases (and song lyrics) hey, Crow holds Joel’s hand! It starts getting dull when Servo brings up a line from ‘The Crawling Hand.’ Then Valeria visits (from ‘Robot Holocaust’?). First mention of Rocket Number 9. She’s played by Mike Nelson, in his first on screen appearance (and incidentally, sounds disturbingly like my senior year French teacher, Father Thompson). I love how Joel uses one of those ‘breath freshener’ things before he starts talking to her. And I love his bit with ‘Torque’ (who is just a skull here). It’s pretty funny, but goes on too long.

 

            Servo: “Meanwhile, here in the day-for-night scene…”

           

            Huh, that first indistinct shot of the Martians from a distance is actually pretty creepy. I like ‘indistinct’ scare shots like this.

 

            Crow: “Let’s all run like fools towards the danger!”

            Yeah, really!

 

            Frankly, if I were there I’d say ‘look, bud, it’s your fault we’re in this mess, don’t go telling me what risks I have to take; if you want to go chasing into a cave, a night, after evil Martians on their home planet, be my guest, but I’m going back to the ship!’

 

            Ah, so it’s just the male scientist and the comic relief guy. Good, people I hope will get killed!

 

            Joel: “Jeeze, it’s an entire race of mimes, we’ve got to get back and warn Earth!”

 

            Comic relief guy dies saving male scientist. Turns out the Martians are attacking by hurling rocks at them.

           

            By the way, does this scientist *try* to kill those around him, or is it just an innate talent.

 

            Well, he’s dead now; but the damage is done.

 

            Servo: “Great, he’s dying and he’s still giving speeches!”

           

            Up, another one bites the dust! This time it’s coward guy!

              

            Oh, Servo, not you too! How did they get onto that ‘two years’ thing?

 

            Lloyd declares love. Sort of.

 

            And, they’re out of fuel.

 

            Crow: “Well, this should really test Lloyd’s sunny disposition.”

 

            No, girl, it’s not your fault; it’s the fault of that chauvinist pig, your boss whom you left back on Mars.

 

            Crow: “Okay, story so far: we got lost, flew to Phoenix, got attacked, we’re gonna die.”

 

            Servo: “There’s a Mr. ‘Oh, My God, My Hair’s On Fire’ on line one, sir.”

 

            What the…Joel just pulled one of Ankrum’s nose-hairs out!

 

            Morrey is pretty good here as he hears the news.

 

            Joel: “I thought ‘worm-food’ was a bit strong, Lloyd.”

 

            And they clinch as they’re about to die. And Lloyd does some stupid speechifying.

 

            Girl: “Shouldn’t we wake him?”

            Crow: “Why? So he can experience his own fiery death?”

            Joel: “Get your shoes on honey, we’re about to die!”

           

            And they all die.

 

            Joel: “Uh, we scrapped off the runway, sir.”

 

            Ankrum: “We’ve proved that inter-planetary space travel is not only possible, but practical.”

            Crow: “And enjoyable, for all members of the family, though there’ll be carnage.”

 

            And Ankrum declares they’re going to start on RXM 2. Right.

 

            Closing: Joel and the Bots discuss how inappropriate it is to show them a movie about guys dying in a spaceship. Interestingly enough, Joel sarcastically suggests they send them ‘Marooned,’ which they will in a couple seasons. Letters. They try to trick Frank again. Frank messes up pushing the button.

 

             Movie Quality Rating:

           

1.       The Crawling Eye

2.       The Black Scorpion

3.        Mad Monster

4.       Rocketship XM

5.       Moon Zero Two

6.       The Crawling Hand

7.       The Corpse Vanishes

8.       Untamed Youth

9.       The Slime People

10.   Project Moonbase

11.   Women of the Prehistoric Planet

12.   Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

13.   Robot Holocaust

14.   Robot Monster

 

Conclusion: Watchable, but annoying movie, but really good riffing and mostly fun host segments. Plus we’ve got Frank and Kevin Murphy as Servo!

 

Final Rating: 8/10 

RIP Beverly Garland

Sad news for film fans; Beverly Garland, star of several classic B-Movies and a favorite of the MST3K gang (in a very honest and affectionate way) passed away on Dec. 5 at the age of 82 following a long illness. She was one of the great stars of the B-Movies of the fifties and sixties, and a very talented actress to boot. Classy, beautiful, talented, and always giving her all, she was always a welcome presence, even in the worst film, and she will be missed. We are losing that great section of our cultural heritage bit by bit, and another part of it has just gone. RIP, Ms. Garland.

MST3K – Episode 113: The Black Scorpion

At last, the final episode of Season 1! What a relief! While I have enjoyed my journey through the early days of MST3K, it must be said that the far lower quality of the writing was a bit trying at time, as was the presence of Dr. Earhart instead of TV’s Frank.
So, anyway, the final episode, the Black Scorpion (in retrospect, I really should have saved ‘Women of the Prehistoric Planet” for now, since it was really the last episode, and obviously so. Oh well). This is one of the better films they viewed, primarily because of the great stop-motion effects from the master himself, Willis O’Brien (for those who don’t know, he was the man who created King Kong). Other than that, however, it’s a pretty standard big bug film from the fifties, of which there were dozens. This one stars (obviously) scorpions. This instantly endears the film to me, since I’m a big scorpion fan. I wouldn’t want to find one in my shoe, of course, but from a safe distance I think they’re some of the coolest creatures in the world; they’re little monsters in the best sense of the word, with their sharp claws and arching tail.
The film further endears itself by the presence of Mara Corday. One of the few recurring actresses in fifties sci-fi, Ms. Corday was probably the best looking of the bunch, with her rather exotic beauty. Fans of the period all know and love her, and she almost always scores a film points just by being there.
Richard Denning is another familiar face, having co-starred in ‘Creature From the Black Lagoon’ as the mean scientist. He plays the hero here, a scientist (of course) sent to investigate volcanic eruptions in Mexico (where everyone habitually speaks English). He kind of reminds me of John Agar here, only much less smug and annoying. He’s teamed with a Mexican scientist who doesn’t really do much except act as a buddy, has a meet-cute with Mara, and discovers that something is really wrong apart from the eruptions. Anyway, long story short, giant, prehistoric (possibly mutated) scorpions have been released and are tearing up the countryside. Denning and his friend (and a very annoying stow-away kid) track them to their lair (in a very cool sequence) and seal them in, but some of them get out and the biggest one kills the others and attacks Mexico City, where it is killed by an electrical cable fired into its throat.
The film is kind of fun, and things move along well. The scorpions look awesome (except for some very silly close ups of a slobbering model that O’Brien clearly had nothing to do with), and Corday and Denning are old pros and keep things going. The riffing is pretty good, but not outstanding, and the host segments are generally middle of the road.

Thoughts while Watching

Wohoo! Last episode of Season 1!

The sound’s a bit off in this tape. Nuts.

Opening: The bots are throwing Joel a party. It’s kind of weird; they just kind of stand there and frugue. It’s pretty amusing.

Invention exchange: The mads are mutated. The make-up on Dr. Earhart is surprisingly good; he looks really freaky. Joel has a giant party favor. It’s pretty funny, especially how Dr. Earhart has the exact same invention as Joel.

Dr. F. gets a film fact wrong; he says the effects are by Ray Harryhausen; as Joel and the bots will soon learn, they were by Willis O’Brien; Harryhausen’s mentor and the creator of King Kong.

Joel: “Guys, get out of the way, that’s why you’re dying!”

Joel and the bots are roasting giant hot-dogs over the volcano! They were pretty weird back then.

Typically rugged American scientists. And they give some naked exposition. The one guy looks kind of like John Agar (as noted above, it’s actually Richard Denning).

Ah, I love these old fifties sci-fi flicks; the manly, genial, though slightly-condescending scientist heroes, the black-and-white, the long discussions on Science…good times.

They use the sound-effects from the classic ‘Them!’ are reused here, plus some random roars.

Servo: “I’ll just move this high-tension power line with this piece of metal. Just let me dip it in water first.”

Wreckage, mysterious happenings, ect.

Crow: “…and a card saying ‘Black Scorpion wrecking service’”

Wait, why is the policeman on the radio speaking English? And why is he Paul Frees? I guess maybe they’re ‘really’ speaking Spanish.

The first canned applause. They’ll do this every time the Mexican scientist is mentioned by name (and a few other times).

‘Tense’ scene where they think there might be a rattler somewhere. In the deserted village. Why are they searching for it, then? Well…so they can find the baby who is the sole survivor. And a pretty happy baby, all things considered.

They find the dead cop when a tree randomly falls.

Wait, did I just hear a cue from ‘Godzilla?!’

Well, so much for the ‘they’re really speaking Spanish’ thing.

Now the baby starts crying! His village and family are horribly devoured and he just sits there and plays with his rattle, but the instant he hits town, he bawls his head off!

Servo: “The Milling About Festival continues well into the night.”

First host segment: Cross-cultural learning experience. Cambot translates their pseudo-Spanish. “Please end this stupidity; I’m hemorrhaging.” Pretty good.

Hero leers at the girl. Incidentally, these are the magical zoom and alternate-angle binoculars you see in these things.

By the way, the girl is played by the very beautiful Mara Corday; she was in a few of these things and always a welcome presence.

Mara: “You’re very kind!”
Crow (as the other guy): “No he’s not, I’m kinder!”

Joel (guy looks at a rock): “What? ‘Thou shalt not ki?’ what does that mean?”

I love how all the guys take their hats off for Mara. Ah, for a better time…

Joel (after Mara’s ‘rousing’ speech to her men): “Ah, looks like the answer’s no.”

Hah! The scientist looks like the werewolf from ‘Mad Monster!’

Servo: “The Great Valasco; juggler, sword-swallower, and pathologist extraordinaire.”

Servo (as the Mexicans charge on horseback): “Don’t forget the Alamo! No, we can do better, uh, Davy Crocket is a dork! No, uh remember…”

Man those big Mexican houses are awesome!

Annoying kid. For some reason filmmakers put a lot of them in movies like this.

Servo: “Meanwhile, back at the dog.”

Crow: “Jerry Mathers as the Beavero.”

Hero starts flirting with the girl.

Crow: “Let me put my new Leonard Nimoy album on; he sings ‘the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins’”
Man, I would pay good money for that.

Yeah, the scorpion is still alive after being encased in lava. Right. And it squeaks!

Hero: “You know, I could throw this scorpion out the window and then we’d really be alone.”
Servo: “Well, except for the dog, the cook, the small boy, and your friend.”

The Scorpions show up and eat the line men. The effects here are really good; except the just plain goofy close-ups of the scorpion-face mock-up.

Servo: “The line’s been bugged!”

Servo: “Look, Kid, the dog obviously doesn’t like you!”

The kid has to be told to run away from the huge monster

Joel: “Mrs. Butterworth, help!”

Second Host segment: The bots discuss Joel’s odd habits, like sleeping and shaving. Gypsy shows up dressed as the Black Scorpion. She eats Servo. It’s pretty good.

The scorpion attacks the village, etc.

Apparently the Scorpion is supposed to be prehistoric. Yeah, bugs were big back then, but not THAT big!

Crow: “And we have giant, forty-foot pincers! No, wait, that’s the scorpions.”

Mara insists on helping, mostly so they can keep her in the film. The fact that they provide some semblance of reason for her to be there is more than some films like this do. Frankly, though, it’s Mara Corday; you don’t need a reason to keep her on screen.

Crow (as the kid lists what he can do): “Yeah, yeah, we know you’re super-boy. Too bad you can’t act.”

Lots of golf jokes here, for some reason. They’re pretty amusing, but it’s kind of odd that they stick with the bit so much.

They pretend to be standing on the edge of the crater; it’s pretty clear they’re just on a slight hill.

The standard ‘why you?’ speech. Ends with a kiss. Frankly, I think going down into a deadly, monster-infested volcano would be worth it to kiss Mara Corday.

Joel: “Uh, Hal, why don’t you go and stand next to the creature so I can get a sense of scale?”

Crow and Servo do a lot of Jacque Cousteau (I’m assuming) here.

Oh, come on; the cage is about three-foot square; how did the kid hide out in there? Incidentally, I’m going to again reinforce how annoying this kid is. It’s bad enough when the kid is just talking, but now he’s stupidly endangering our heroes. And they can’t just let him die, because he’s a kid!

They all act shocked when hearing that the guy who had earlier fell in the volcano is dead. Again, he fell into a *volcano,* what did they expect?

Lots of scorpions. This is a pretty cool sequence.

Monster fight! Scorpion versus worm! Awesome! Now scorpion against scorpion! Now a really big scorpion!

Joel (as guy keeps taking pictures): “Make sure they can see us, thanks.”

Trap-door spider goes after kid! Get him, get him! (yeah, likes that’s gonna happen)

Scorpion attacks the cage!

Joel: “Oh, well, this isn’t good, not at all, I mean, I’ve seen good before and it didn’t look like this. You remember that bad thing we saw, well, it looked like this.”

Guy rides up on the cord.

Joel (after the guy is brought up): “Well, how was it?”

Crow: “Oh, I’ll send the rope back down for you, I promise. By the way, can I have your bike?”

Wait, to scale that was a HUGE explosion!

Hero guy seems kind of sure of himself with the girl. Especially considering it’s, you know, Mara Corday. Still, Richard Denning is more appealing than some fifties heroes I can think of (coughjohnagarcough).

And they bring Mara along to the defense council meeting. This is an observation, not a complaint.

Third Host Segment: they talk about Willis O’Brien. They give some pretty good info here, and are pleasingly respectful (and the little Joel model is cute). It’s a pretty good segment.

Crow does a few Dr. Strangelove jokes here.

Joel: “It’s Walt Disney and friends!”

Ah, they worry about the ‘panic’ that would result if the populace found out about the monster. How many variations on that theme have there been?

Joel: “Hey, look at me, I’m a rubix-cube all of a sudden.”

Ah, a train-attack; one of the standard scenarios of monster movies.

They used stock-footage from earlier in the movie!

They use the same shot of the train entering a tunnel FOUR TIMES in less than two minutes!

Man, the effects here are awesome!

Servo (as the train crashes into the scorpion): “Hey, this isn’t my fault, I’m taking no kind of pay-cut for this!”

Joel: “Uh, we at M-Track would like to apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused, this hardly ever happens.”

Man, this is an awesome sequence.

Crow: “Now for you folks playing at home, keep in mind scorpions, unless genetically mutated, do not growl.”

More Paul Frees; that’s three roles for him in this film: the narrator, the police radio-man, and the news announcer.

Panic scenes, etc. God, I love this stuff!

They ran out of money here…(they just matte the scorpion’s silhouette in; it looks SO bad).

Joel: “You are looking live at blasted-out Balagro Stadium, where just in a few minutes, puny local authorities will attempt to take on a giant, blood-thirsty, genetically-bloated scorpion!”

Joel: “A fabulous arsenal is assembled; tanks, fire-power, snow-plows, chevys…huh?”

Servo: “Well, the missiles didn’t work, let’s send in the bulldozers.”

The scorpion looks awesome here, but the fight is really repetitive.

The sergeant is really stupid here; in fact, everyone involved is really stupid; he grabs the electric harpoon-thing and no one thinks to turn it off in time.

And hero-guy takes the harpoon. Of course he hits directly.

Why are the tanks still shooting at it? It’s dying and they have no effect anyway.

And the Scorpion is dead.

Wait, is that one scientist suggesting they make an antidote ‘in case they ever come back?’ Uh, I think the main problem is the fact that their fifty-feet long, not their venom!

Closing segment: letters. Mildly amusing, especially the letter to Crow. The last we see of Dr. Earhart, he steps off stage waving briefly. I’m not sorry to see him go, but it’s still a little bittersweet (again, meaning no disrespect to Josh Weinstein, who I thought did a great job as Servo, but Dr. Earhart just doesn’t work for me).

Movie Quality Rating:

1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Moon Zero Two
5. The Crawling Hand
6. The Corpse Vanishes
7. Untamed Youth
8. The Slime People
9. Project Moonbase
10. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
11. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
12. Robot Holocaust
13. Robot Monster

Conclusion: A fun movie (did I mention it has Mara Corday?), some decent riffing, and okay host-segments make for a good closer to season 1.

Final Rating: 7/10