Okay, Women of the Prehistoric Planet. I was kind of looking forward to this one, as it was actually the last episode recorded for season one, and the episodes of season one tended to improve as they went along (no, I have never heard any reason whatsoever why this one was broadcasted fourth if it was the last one done).
As such, I’ll admit I was rather disappointed. The episode is mildly amusing, but their jokes are kind of minor and rarely made me laugh, though they kept it amusing. This one had no serial, which I think is kind of a shame since I think a nice dose of ‘Commando Cody’ would have made this one go down a little easier. The movie is kind of fun, but padded out a lot, hard to follow, and has WAY too many scenes with an extremely annoying comic relief guy.
The plot basically is that in The Future a convoy of ships is going…somewhere faster than light (sort of like in ‘Planet of the Apes’) and there are some minor racial conflicts with ‘Centaurians’ (read; Asians). This is all very poorly set up, partially because they don’t explain why they’re out there (at least that I can remember), and partially because the commander mumbles his lines horribly.
Anyway, one of the ships crashes when the Centaurians rebel, and there are only four survivors (including a romantic couple). The other ship decides to defy orders and turn back to get them (by the way, since they make a lot of how different the time passes on the ship and on earth, how are they getting these orders?). They land, have some lame but kinda-fun adventures, one of the female crew members meets a local and falls in love with him, decides to stay, it turns out the local is the son of the crew that crashed earlier, since eighteen years have passed in the time it took them to get back there.
This brings up the question of if they knew eighteen years had passed (and they did), why did they bother coming to save them? If they’re alive, they’ll have pretty much settled in, but more likely they wouldn’t be, so what’s the point?
Still, it’s not a total waste; the exploring the planet stuff is kind of fun, if lame, and an aging John Agar is one of the astronauts. Agar will appear in several Mst3k episodes, mostly as the annoying romantic lead, but he’s such a superstar (in this kind of movie, anyway) that’s it’s always nice to see him (even if we generally hate his characters).
Pretty funny invention exchange for the Mads; The fast food restaurant that doesn’t cook its meat. “If you listen you can hear it moan.” (Incidentally, this is the first ‘jingle’ of the show’s run).
‘Creature from the Black Lagoon’ Music over the opening credits. This was used a LOT as stock music. You know, if you’re going to use stock music, don’t use a famous score.
Woah, John Agar looks a lot older in this than I’m used to seeing him, but there’s no mistaking that Voice; that smarmy, self-righteous VOICE!
The commander mutters all the time; he sounds like he’s drunk.
I like Joel playing with the switches.
I just noticed that Agar sounds a little like John Wayne, only more annoying.
“We’re gonna crash into a Universal Picture!” – Tom
“Filmed on location in Tommy Ronick’s front yard.” – Joel
Annoying Comic Relief Guy. I hope he gets killed.
“I’m resetting the controls so they crash into the Prehistoric Planet!” – Joel, as he fiddles with the dials.
Joel is up and about a lot in this one; he just hugged the commander (really!).
Annoying Comic Relief Guy again (ACRG).
These actresses are terrible, even for a movie like this!
First Host Segment; shows exo-pincers, which a long time later would show up in the movie as the manipulator arms. That’s Mike Nelson’s very first role as the satellite, btw. The host segment is pretty funny, but a little longer than it needed to be.
Fist fight! The girl just kind of sits there…
No, wait, she’s got a gun…she shot him…I think he was supposed to be her brother, so it’s dramatic. Except, of course, that they did a really poor job of setting this whole plot conflict up. I still have no idea what a ‘Centaurian’ is, except that they’re played by Asians.
Wait, no life visible? What about all those plants?
“Ferocious beasts”? YOU JUST SAID THERE WAS NO LIFE, YOU IDIOT!!
Incidentally, how do idiots like these CR guys get jobs on a spaceship? I wouldn’t trust them to open the garage door.
Hey guys, see those trees? I think that is indicative of life.
Random guy: “Say doc…”
Crow: “Do you think I’ll be offed first?”
Okay, so I think they’re saying that it took them three months to get back to where their friends crashed, which translates to eighteen years on the planet. So, again, what was the point of going back?
Ah, birds, I think that means there is life there.
Hey, Giant Lizard, Creature of the Black Lagoon music again, and standard slurpasaur roar! I would match a scene like that against anything Hitchcock or Welles ever did for pure entertainment value.
By the way, I think we can officially say that there is life on this planet.
Lame as this movie is, I always like these ‘exploring the planet’ scenes that are in all of these (substitute ‘lost world’ or ‘mysterious cavern’ for planet for the appropriate movie).
Commander guy is mumbling so badly I had to rely on the clichés in his dialogue to figure out what he is saying.
Second host segment: the host segments in this one are a bit more active than the usual for the first season. I love the manual translated for the Korean. “Clip red wire likes you best with firm hand and kind heart.”
My god, that was a fake snake shot!
Gratuitous girl-falls-into-water scene!
By the way, that is one of the most un-natural-looking pools I have ever seen.
So, these morons don’t notice the dead snake pinned to the tree by a crossbow bolt? Oh, there they go. Still, if I was ever lost in the jungle, I would not want them looking for me.
The origin of ‘Hi-Keeba!’ This became one of their most famous running jokes through the series.
ACRG: “I almost knocked my brains out!”
Crow: “Sure you didn’t succeed?”
All (to ACRG): “SHUT UP!!!” I don’t think there is anyone who ever watched the film who didn’t concur.
Joel is trying to cover his mouth to shut him up; can’t reach, unfortunately.
“Have you met Steve, my monkey?” – Joel
Wait a second; this pool of acid is about seven foot square; why don’t they just walk around the thing instead of crossing the log? I’m not exaggerating; you can see an easy path around it clearly in the shot. Joel even points it out!
Pretentious speculation by Agar.
Every crosses easily except the guy who was supposed to die. He dies basically because he was supposed to; again, it’s not a big pit at all and everyone else takes about a second to cross. (by the way, the answer to Crow’s earlier quip is ‘yes’).
“You two disposable characters wait here.” – Joel
“That’s his sternum! Don’t touch it!” – Joel
The guy screams in agony and our heroes just STAND THERE wondering what he’s screaming about.
Large hopping spider puppet! Hilarious!
“Well, don’t everyone be so sad.” – Crow at their blasé reaction to the random guy’s death.
Twice Crow calls one of the guys ‘Johnny Longtorso.’ The name would later appear as an invention exchange.
So she slaps the nice savage guy because he had to undress her to save her? This after he has saved her life and been completely nice to her. Frankly she deserves it when he slaps her right back.
I like Joel walking around muttering like the characters.
Why the heck is this girl attracted to ACRG? Why would any woman…any human being be in at all attracted to him? Why would any sentient being not be completely and utterly repulsed by him?
Third Host Segment: Servo mentions Kierkagard! (my sister loves him). “He would cut the blue one, then if he was still alive he would cut the green one.”
Over-long romantic food montage (look, just trust me on this one). Chimpanzee companion, the whole ‘Tarzan’ deal.
“Wait a minute; whose legs are whose there?” – Crow
Blah, blah, lovers fight for no reason, blah, blah, they make up.
Fine, you’re in love, we GET IT!!
More ‘Creature From the Black Lagoon’ music as savages attack (Wait, where the hell did they come from?)
“Those, ladies and gentlemen, are the planet’s fiercest warriors. Pathetic.” –Crow as heroic savage effortlessly deals with the bad savages.
Good savage shot by ‘civilized’ astronauts, blah, blah.
Girl runs out of the ship before the take off, of course.
Volcano erupts for some pseudo tension.
Big surprise; girl is commander’s daughter. I figured that out about ten-minutes into the film, when they were discussing how ‘no one knows who her father is, and on an unrelated note, the commander spent a lot of time with her mother beforehand.’ The sad thing is that if I cared I would probably be even less surprised.
Cheesy take off scene!
And tension milked, the volcano stops IMMEDIATLY.
In the end, the girl and the hero savage stay behind on the planet.
There really was only one woman of the prehistoric planet, and since she was an import, I don’t think she really was ‘of’ the planet.
And the big twist? The planet was a prehistoric earth and the girl and the savage guy were Adam and Eve! Blah (and again, if this was the point, were did the other savages come from?).
Servo’s head falls off! I think that might be the first accidental drop.
Letter refers to Robot Holocaust; six episodes down the line. And ‘The Corpse Vanishes,’ the next episode.
Conclusion: a rather disappointing episode with an over-long movie punctuated by bits of amusing idiocy and decent host segments.
Final Rating: 5/10.
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