What's that? Yes, I am still doing this! I'm sorry it's been close to a year since the last one, but complaining's not going to help anything.
Anyway, this episode features one of Bert I. Gordon’s best films, a phrase that is the very definition of “damning with faint praise.” Here are all of Gordon’s trademarks: cheap processing effects to enlarge ordinary objects, radiation as the reason for the menace, an Albert Glasser score, and lots and lots of stock footage.
This particular epic tells the story of Col. Glenn Manning; an air force officer who is caught in the test blast of a new kind of atom bomb. As a result, he not only survives but begins to grow at the rate of eight feet a day. The military accordingly confines him to a secret installation where they try to work out a way to reverse his growth (though the lead scientist seems more interested in landing Glenn’s distraught fiancée, Carol, who’s on hand for moral support). Meanwhile, Glenn grows more depressed and unstable, and the scientists discover that Glenn’s growth will soon kill him if they can’t stop it, since his heart isn’t keeping up with the rest of his body (the heart is basically a single cell, you see. Hey, Bert I. says it is, so it must be true!).
Anyway, Glen eventually snaps completely and wanders off into Las Vegas, where he plays with the signs a little before taking a detour out to Boulder (Hoover) Dam, where the military first injects him with a giant hypodermic needle to stop his growth, then shoots him.
The movie is, as noted, one of Bert I’s better ones, for what it’s worth. Glenn Langren gives a surprisingly strong performance as Glen Manning, making Glen’s plight and descent into madness more believable and moving than you would expect. The effects, on the other hand, are pretty much exactly what you’d expect from a Bert I. Gordon film; lots of rear and fore-projection, some very half-hearted miniature work, and Glen occasionally going semi-transparent. I also have to mention the absurd hypodermic needle prop that shows up at one point, complete with over-sized thumbholes and measuring marks along the side. And, of course, the less said about the ‘science’ involved, the better.
Riffwise, this is a solid episode with plenty of jokes about Glen’s size and growing instability, as well as the rampant absurdity of the situation and the way the lead scientist seems less interested in helping Glen than in getting it on with Glen’s fiancée.
Host segment wise, there are some very amusing spoofs on the film, especially the second segment featuring Joel as Glen. I also love the invention exchange with Kevin Murphy as a pretentious plant that reviews music.
All in all, this is a fun, solid entry of just the kind you hope to see on a show like this. Highly recommended.
Opening: The bots have a cardboard fort and refuse to come out. It’s cute seeing the bots acting like little kids.
Invention Exchange: The Mads have a plant that reviews music. Joel has non-permanent tattoos. They’re pretty amusing, especially Frank.
We open on some stock footage of army trucks.
Servo/Joel (singing): “Scarecrow! Scarecrow!”
Crow: “Scare me?”
And another Bert I. Gordon film, complete with Albert Glasser score.
Now after the credits we open on some soldiers about to observe a nuclear explosion…
The bomb doesn’t go off.
Crow: “Hey, it’s the amazing colossal dud.”
Joel: “Hit it! Wiggle the plug or something!”
The soldiers have to wait until the bomb goes off…
Sergeant: “Can we smoke, sir?”
Servo: “I don’t care if you burst into flame.”
And a plane suddenly shows up overhead.
Joel: “Oh, no, it’s Amelia Earhart, she picked a bad time to come back.”
They try to make the plane change direction, instead it crashes for no discernable reason.
Soldier pulls out binoculars:
Joel: “Cool! I can see the body and everything!”
Colonel Manning decides to run out to try to save the pilot.
Servo (as Glen): “Hey, FM Stereo, it’s really…wait a minute, what the hell and I doing out here!?”
(bomb goes off)
Cut to the hospital.
Glen is severely burned all over.
Doctor fiddles with a towel or something:
Crow: “Uh, we’ll just stuff that back in anywhere, no one will notice.”
And we meet Glen’s fiancée, Carole.
And a reporter shows up and starts insensitively talking to her about Glen’s condition…
Servo: “Yeah, real pile of goo, you know him?”
Reporter: “You know I was there, covering the test for national news service…”
Servo: “I didn’t run right up next to the bomb.”
Reporter: “How long have you known Colonel Manning?”
Joel: “What’re you doing after he’s dead?”
Fiancée recounts how they met…
Doctor: “This man’s luck ran out long ago.”
Servo: “When he got me as his doctor.”
Doctor: “There’s always a chance…”
All: *snort* “Yeah, right.”
Doctor: “Are you Carole? Your name was the only word he spoke.”
Servo: “Well, that and AAAAAGGHHH!”
So, they lay Glen up for the night, he’s expected to die…
Nurse comes in:
Crow: “And how is our little Johnsonville-brat this morning?”
They come back to find his skin is healed!
Scare chord when his bandages are taken off.
Servo: “Uh, maybe we got the wrong room…”
They ask the maker of the bomb how this might have happened (yeah, I’m sure the guy who made the bomb will be able to explain the medical miracle).
The guy seems oddly blasé about the guy suddenly healing a completely burned body.
They review stock footage of an A-bomb test.
Model building gets hit
Servo: “There was a family of twelve in here. Should’ve told them to leave…”
Right, they just happened to have a camera following Glen during the blast. Sure.
Conclusion: Something is beyond the limits of our knowledge. Right, I think that’s been established, that’s why they came to you for help, you idiot!
First Host Segment: Nice things to say to Glen’s fiancée. The bots just come up with mean jokes. Then they go into the horrible reality of Joel’s situation. It’s pretty funny, especially Crow’s last line “You cried earlier, what was that about?”
Back in the film, Carole wakes up to a knock at the door…
A security officer shows up to tell her she can’t visit Glen for a while.
Servo: “Wow, a restraining order on little old me!”
And she just walks into the hospital: no security in sight.
She finds his room empty.
Crow: “Glen’s a pillow? Well, at least I can still snuggle him and turn him over to the cool side…”
Carole: “I’m Colonel Manning’s fiancée.”
Servo (as nurse): “Oh, bummer.”
The nurse refuses to give any info, claims never to have heard of Glen, etc.
Carole sneaks a look at the records.
Then she drives out to a military base…
They cheer for her to plow through the gate…she doesn’t.
Crow: “Wait, the sign says ‘Turn back, this means you!”
And she sneaks into the hospital (she was supposed to see the sergeant…maybe a scene was cut).
Servo: “What, the government’s involved in a cover-up? How could that be?”
Funny bit where Crow has her making obvious attempts at subterfuge.
And apparently all the doctors have really poor vision…by the way, are any hospitals ever kept that dark?
She sneaks into Glens room to find he’s giant!
She faints, cut to the doctor filling her in. So, once the secrets out they just tell everything?
Doctor explains cell reproduction in extreme detail and length.
General feels the need to explain what ‘accelerated’ means.
Glen has a flashback to the Korean War…
Apparently the Korean soldiers used knives as their primary weapons and rifles as their back-ups.
Crow: “Hey, John Phillip Susa’s life is flashing before his eyes.”
And Glen wakes up and realizes his condition.
Crow: “Oh, God, I’m being held in Barbie’s Malibu Dreamhouse!”
Actually a fairly well done scene by Glen Langren, who plays Glen.
Joel: “Oh, my goodness! I’m a huge Daddy Warbucks!”
Doctor (to Carole): “You might do him a lot of good.”
Crow: “But don’t climb on him.”
Carole thinks the best way to cheer Glen up is to list the doctors who are going to help him.
Glen: “What sin could a man commit in a single lifetime to bring this on himself?”
(Most famous line in the film)
Cut to meat being delivered…delivery guy is suspicious.
MP lets the delivery guy in on the ‘giant’ secret; he doesn’t believe it.
Second Host Segment: Joel is Glen; the Bots try to help him by asking questions. “How many kinds of fish can you name?” It’s pretty funny, especially Joel as Glen (“Ah! No!”)
Apparently Glen’s exposure to the blast is national news. You’d think the military would’ve kept that quiet.
They do three jokes in a row about rabbits being used to test cosmetics.
Crow does a great series of jokes in a little rabbit voice: “Hey, spread the word. Night of the Lepus; tonight!”
Doctor comments that Glen should be ‘confined.’ Yeah, that’ll do wonders for his psychological health.
Again, Langren is really pretty good as Glen. Probably the best performance in any Bert I Gordon film.
Crow: “Hey, don’t laugh, Glen! We’re on a fault line!”
Glen walks off in a huff, then Doctor shows up immediately afterwards.
Crow: “Have you seen Glen?”
Doctor: “Would you mind if I spoke bluntly?”
Crow: “Why stop now?”
Doctor: “There’s something I want to show you…”
Crow: “Funny, Glen tried that line once.”
Glen goes back to his tent.
Crow: “Why do they keep putting these little chairs in here? They just do it to bug me!”
Glen tries to read a book: doesn’t work.
Crow: “Little Women? Come on!”
Sergeant: “I brought your dinner, sir.”
Crow: “Oh, great, five gallons of hospital jell-o!”
Joel (as Sergeant): “You’re not gonna wipe your mouth on me again, are you sir?”
Sergeant pulls out a newspaper.
Servo: “How did the Giants do?”
Glen laughs and then has a chest pain, drinks from a bucket…
Joel: “Uh, that’s your chamber pot sir…”
Servo: “Ah, the healing power of laughter.”
Glen goes a little nuts with the sergeant, scares him off.
Crow: “Not only am I bigger, I’m funnier!”
And the Doctor starts trying to convince her why she should leave.
Turns out Glen’s heart isn’t growing as fast as the rest of his body.
Doctor: “The heart is made up of a single cell.”
Servo: “What?”
Crow: “You’re not a real doctor, are you?”
Joel: “So what’s with all the dead rabbits, doctor?”
So, why will Glen’s mind go first if his heart is going to kill him?
Carole: “Well, you’re a doctor tell me!”
Servo: “No, no, dear I’m only a vet.”
Cut to a long, quiet scene of a scientist looking at some data…
Doctor really is obsessed with getting Carole away (again, how will that help Glen?)
Apparently they had an elephant and a camel just standing around in the office!
Wait, so Carole walks into his tent and doesn’t notice Glen until he speaks to her?!
Glen: “How tall do you think I’ll grow before death releases me from this curse?”
Crow: “Well, the company poll says 155 feet…”
Yeah, Servo is right, what does Glen have a dresser for?
Next morning Glen’s run off.
Carole: “I had an argument with him last night…”
Crow: “We heard.”
Turns out they can stop his growth with injections to his bone marrow.
Scientist shows the elephant and camel shrunken. Yeah, some very obvious projection here.
Servo: “These things could revolutionize Thanksgiving!”
Colonel comes in
Crow: “Hey, can I take those home for my kids?”
They go searching for Glen in the desert via helicopter.
Doctor: “See anything?”
Crow: “Well, there’s a fifty-foot man, but he has hair, it can’t be him.”
Crow: “Well, there’s a fifty-foot man, but he has hair, it can’t be him.”
Crow (as the other team, which is clearly in the exact same helicopter prop): “Uh, we’re in a completely different helicopter, over.”
Doctor wonders why Glen hasn’t been seen yet.
Colonel: “Tomorrow I’ll show you some action.”
All: “Say!”
Third Host Segment: Glen visits (played by Mike Nelson). It’s pretty amusing; Mike’s great as Glen.
Colonel: “Tell them to report anything unusual: broken fences, dead cattle…”
Crow: “Big guys…”
Carole walks in on the colonel planning on killing Glen if he turns violent.
Cut to two drunks almost running into Glen.
Then cut back to Doctor and Colonel: Colonel is nonchalantly eating dinner.
And again the Doctor tries to get Carole to leave. He’s more interested in that than in helping Glen!
Colonel (in a briefing): “Glen Manning is about ten-times the height of an ordinary man.”
Joel: “I challenge you tailors of America, dress this man!”
Long, dull briefing. The guys fall asleep a couple times.
Soldier: “What do we do when we spot him?”
All: “RUN!”
Colonel: “And now a word of warning…”
Crow: “He’s big.”
Servo: “Have ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ read for tomorrow people!”
Crow: “The Army’s best stock-footage is called to duty.”
Hilariously, we now see the syringe they’re going to inject Glen with, complete with giant thumb-rings!”
Joel: “They must be visiting Keith Richards.”
Carole: “Is such a large hypodermic needle really necessary?”
Scientist: “I think so, remember he’s over sixty feet tall.”
Servo: “Oh, that’s right I forgot.”
Anyway, they’re all out searching for him.
The call sign of the plane is ‘King Nancy’?
Glen arrives in Vegas, starts fiddling with the giant signs.
Ogles a bathing beauty…
Some police just kind of leisurely show up and do nothing.
(They discuss how hard it’ll be to give Glen the shot)
Crow: “Did you bring that giant lollipop?”
Glen causes some lame mayhem.
Judging by these ‘crowds,’ Vegas has about twenty people in it.
Someone shoots at him, he throws a palm at them.
TV Anchor takes his camera over to watch Glen from his window.
Glen heads off for Boulder Dam.
As the helicopter stupidly flies right up to Glen:
Servo: “Uh, we’ve gotta get close enough to make a positive ID…”
Seriously, what do they think they’re doing just hovering right in front of him…and why doesn’t Glen just smash them?
And they show up with the syringe and a bullhorn
Servo: “Are you allergic to any medications!?”
Scientist and doctor drive syringe deep into Glen’s bone. Ouch!
And he throws it through the Scientist!
Then he grabs Carole
Crow: “As far as I’m concerned, the wedding is still on!”
Doctor bullhorns Glen to put Carole down.
The boys do ‘she loves me, she loves me not.’ Ew!
Then they shoot him.
Servo: “Thanks for putting down the girl! Here’s some bullets for you!”
REALLY bad effects of Glen falling off of the dam.
As Carole goes up to the soldiers looking over the dam.
Crow: “Woah! Did you see his skull on the pavement? It looked like a smashed pumpkin! Oh, sorry…”
Final Segment: They talk about what else Glen could have done. Gypsy has red lips for some reason. Then there’s a letter. Dr. F gives Frank the giant needle. It’s pretty amusing.
Stinger: Glen laughs himself into a coronary. Pretty good: I might have gone with “What sin” or the giant needle, but this is a respectable choice.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Gamera vs. Barugon
5. Mad Monster
6. Lost Continent
7. Gamera
8. The Amazing Colossal Man
9. Gamera vs. Gyaos
10. First Spaceship to Venus
11. Stranded in Space
12. Rocketship XM
13. Moon Zero Two
14. Godzilla vs. Megalon
15. The Crawling Hand
16. Catalina Caper
17. Daddy-O
18. King Dinosaur
19. Jungle Goddess
20. Wild Rebels
21. The Corpse Vanishes
22. Ring of Terror
23. Untamed Youth
24. The Slime People
25. Project Moonbase
26. The Sidehackers
27. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
28. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
29. Cave Dwellers
30. Tim of the Apes
31. Pod People
32. Hellcats
33. Rocket Attack USA
34. Robot Holocaust
35. Robot Monster
Final Rating: 7/10. Solid, though unspectacular entry.
