MST3K – 303: Pod People

Here we have one of the most famous episodes of the series: Pod People. As Dr. F. says, it has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting.
The film was originally conceived as a straight-up monster movie, an Italian-French co-production. The problem came when “E.T.” came out right before production, and the producers, wanting to cash in on the massive success of that movie, forced the director to awkwardly shove in a subplot about a little boy befriending one of the monsters. The result is a movie that lurches between three or four plot lines and scyzophrenicly wavers between portraying the monsters as inhuman killing machines or misunderstood innocents. Meanwhile, the aliens look like ape suits with elephant masks attached (shades of “Robot Monster”), the little boy has some very odd mannerisms and is obviously dubbed by a woman, the teenage band members (obviously the original stars before the boy was written in) carefully explain why their leader’s girlfriend shouldn’t mind him sleeping with a groupie to further his own career, a couple of grouchy hunters add nothing whatsoever to the production, and the aliens display vast psychic powers but only kill people with karate chops.
Riffwise…well, it’s funny, to be sure, but it’s never been one of my favorites. The poor picture quality, lots of fog, soft, new-age music, and relatively small number of ‘laugh-out-loud’ moments makes this a bit of a chore to sit through. It took me three or four sessions to gather this review (although granted I had a lot of other work to do in the meantime). There are a number of very funny riffs on “Trumpy” (the alien befriended by the kid), but when he’s off screen the riffs die down a little. The end effect is more amusing than really funny to me.
The host segments are pretty strong, although nothing too memorable, but they’re amusing and don’t outstay their welcome. The episode also ends with a rather iconic song, ‘Clown in the Sky,’ which is even more bittersweet now that MST3k has gone forever from the airwaves.

Thoughts while watching:

Opening: Crow practices his one-man show, Robot on the Run as part their art show. Servo’s soliloquy is cut short when he can’t remember his line.

Invention Exchange: Joel has a new guitar chord for big finishes. It causes the guitar to explode. The Mads have the public-domain karaoke machine (which I could actually see working). Both inventions are more amusing than funny, though the blasted ‘bots are good.

Like “Cave Dwellers” and “Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster”, this movie’s credits play over footage of a different movie (in this case, Roger Corman’s “Galaxy of Terror”)

Crow (as a man prepares to hit the monster with a shovel): “I believe I’ll use my putter. Four!”

(the monster attacks a girl)
Joel: “This is the Swamp Thing versus the Sweet Thang.”

The film proper starts with a retreating star-field.
Servo: “Boldly backing away from where no man has gone before.”

And we cut to a really foggy forest where some grouchy poachers pull up.

Crow (on a hunter): “Hey, does he look dorky enough?”

Poachers poach some eggs…

Meanwhile, we cut back and forth with a comet heading towards earth.

Now we cut to a kid being awakened by his pet cat.

Kid: “Naughty kitty…”
Joel: “You must be punished.”

Then the lights flicker and the kid looks through his telescope to see a weird green pulsing.

Servo (as the kid): “Hm. What pretentious crap.”

Back to the poachers…

Kid…

Poachers…

One of poachers says he saw something crash, the others don’t believe him, he goes off to investigate by himself.

And Joel tries to push one of the poachers over!

Cut to a pink cave, which they identify as Yoda’s home…then as Crow’s sinuses…then as Smuckers Jelly.

Poacher investigates the cave, which is filled with big eggs.
Crow: “Now Mr. Science is going to show us the white blood cells.”

And he drops the egg, and decides to randomly start smashing up all the eggs.

Joel: “I guess we know which came first now, don’t we?”

He’s stopped by an advancing point-of-view shot…
Servo: “BAWK! BAWK! BAWK! CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!”

And the Poachers find the truck gone and realize they have to stay out there (since apparently they can’t find the truck about a hundred yards off).
Joel: “Are you comfortable sharing a sleeping bag with me?”

Cut to some deer…
Joel: “Bambi, humans are basically good…”
Cut to the poachers aiming at them.
Servo: “Oh, check that…”

Joel makes a few quips on the lead poacher’s blood lust.

Poacher: “I want to get the hell out of here!”
Servo: “I’m doing a one-man show: ‘Leslie Nielson, Leslie Nielson, Leslie Nielson.’”

Servo: “You know, even the movie ‘The Fog’ didn’t have this much fog.”

Cut to a helicopter shot of the hills with fog coming up…
Servo: “It’s Julie Andrews…and she’s on fire!”

Cut to the kid’s eyes peering through a microscope.
Crow: “Ah! It’s the cameraman, he’s looking through the wrong lens!”

Kid tries to get his mean, drunk uncle interested in his centipede.
Crow: “He’s a loving and giving caregiver.”

And we cut to a recording studio.
Servo: “Ah, finally, a movie for our generation: swinging.”

Singer: “Hold it! It’s stinks!”
Crow: “We agree.”

And back to the woods.

Crow: “We’re just as confused as you are, folks.”

Hunters watch the rangers leave…

And back to the studio, where the guys express their confusion over the mumbled lyrics.

Crow: “Lyrics by Mrs. Johnson’s Kindergarten Class.”

They dub it “Hideous Control Now!”

And some people watching assure us “he’s the best.” Sure.

The song just kind of ends and the band leader is mad about something.

Song leader (named Rick) starts chewing out his band.

Recorder: “You want to hear it again?”
All: “No, no!”

Everyone plans to head up to the mountains (has this ever turned out well for any fictional character?)

One of the sluttier girls decides to dump her boyfriend because he can’t take off work for the weekend. Huh?

First Host Segment: Hideous Control Now. They reenact the song scene with the lyrics as they understood them. It’s pretty amusing, especially Gypsy coming in late every time and the Mads acting as the recorders.

Back in the movie the kid wants to go out to find more “specimens” as he calls them, then we cut right back to the studio where Rick and his girlfriend are making up and making out.

Girl: “You think the weather’s going to hold?”
Servo: “No, just stop.”

Girl: “Not a soul for miles.”
Crow: “I’m not bringing mine.”

Turns out Rick is bringing the chick he’s cheating with, along with his girlfriend. He’s just sleeping with her to get a better chance at selling his records.

And his friends convince his girlfriend to stay with him and not mind being used.

Joel: “You see, cheating is hip!”

Crow: “Hey, try to be nice to your boyfriend’s girlfriend.”

And back to the kid, who’s wandering around the woods and finds the cave.

Crow: “Boy I hate Kenny!”
Joel: “This isn’t Kenny, we like this kid.”

And back to the band driving up to the mountains while another bad song plays.

Singer: “What should I do?”
Crow: “Retire.”

Crow: “Hey, look, we paid for the van, we’re gonna film it!”

Cut to the cave (with its red, foggy entrance)
Joel: “Oh, great we were saved by the Gates of Hell.”

Crow (on the kid): “What’s he gonna do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?”

The kid finds the smashed eggs.
Joel: “Wow. Specimen Jackpot!”

About this time they start doing a gag where they call out a list of names ending with “chief? McCloud!” It’s pretty amusing (and they do it a lot in this episode), but it’d be too much trouble to transcribe it, so I’ll just mention it here.

(the kid selects the only unsmashed egg)
Crow: “Oh, that’ll go nice in his mutant-alien-hell-beast-from-space collection.”

And the kid stumbles on the body of the dead hunter from earlier.

Cut back to the teens.

Rick and his chick go off into the woods, where she starts making out until his girlfriend catches them.

And back around the camp-fire, chick starts taunting girlfriend, who splashes water in her face (can’t blame her)
Crow: “Coffee?”

Chick runs off.
Guy: “Let her cool off.”
Crow: “Yeah, or get eaten by creatures.”
Servo: “Snap an ankle, die of exposure.”

And indeed, the chick runs into the poachers, who start chasing her for no reason.

(back around the campfire)
Crow: “And there on the handle was…you’re not listening!”

(back to poachers chasing chick)
Poacher 1: “She’s a lot faster than I thought.”
Poacher 2: “Yeah, well you’re a jerk.”
Servo: “Ooh, touché.”

And chick runs into one of the monsters, causing her to scream and run off a cliff.
Inexplicably, the others hear her (even though they didn’t hear her screaming when she ran into the poachers)

Girl: “What was that?”
Servo: “Sounded like Laura leaping to her death.”

They find her and carry her off.
Crow: “Yeah, quick, move her spine around a lot.”

Teens bring chick back to the van, try to think of what to do. Girlfriend blames herself, blah, blah, blah.

Cut to kid’s house.
Servo: “Meanwhile in ANOTHER movie. *sigh* Patience, gentle viewer, this will all make sense in the end. Not.”

Amusing bit where the kid examines the egg.

Kid talks to his pets, takes the egg to bed with him.

Joel: “Right, he’s trying to hatch the egg. What is he, Horton?”

Back to the teens.
Servo: “So, is this movie A?”
Joel: “Beats me.”
Servo: “Let’s see, the hunters are in movie A, the kid is in movie B…”
Crow: “This must be movie C.”

Teens knock on the door to the kid’s cabin, kid’s mean uncle rebuffs them (he says something about ‘this time of night’ despite the fact that it’s clearly afternoon. They don’t even tint the screen dark at all!)

Mother comes and lets them in.

They just toss her onto the bed!

Mother: “With a good night’s rest she’ll be as right as rain.”
Joel: “Yeah, that’s what cures a crushed spine.”

Kid finds the egg has hatched (in his bed. Ew).

Second Host Segment: Joel sets up a wall of keyboards to make new-age music: Music from Some Guys in Space. Mostly it’s a chance to mock New-Age Music. It’s kind of amusing and doesn’t go on for too long (Crow’s sandwich is probably the best part).

In the movie we rejoin the poachers, who are camped out around a fire.

Lead Poacher: “Haven’t you screwed things up enough already?”
Crow: “Well, he did write the script…”

And the monster makes its appearance. It looks like a monkey-costume with an elephant’s head attached.

Poacher: “It looks like a cross between a pig and a bear…”
Crow: “A pear?”

The poachers decide to capture it (deducing on no evidence whatsoever that it’s harmless).

Poacher (to the monster): “You must be hungry. Have some.”
Crow: “It’s one of you, only gamier.”

Lead hunter jumps monster with a net, get’s kacked. Other hunter shoots it with a dart, which the monster just knocks off.

Crow: “Hey, that nose must be handy in hard-to-reach areas.”

Back to the kid.
Joel: “Hey, what gives? I’m on the milk-carton.”

The kid is feeding “Trumpy” as he calls him.

Kid: “You know what playing is, Trumpy?”
Crow: “Yes. It’s where I break you in half.”

Incidentally, Crow comes up with the funniest voice for Trumpy.

Cut away again.
Servo: “Meanwhile, in movie C.”
Crow: “I think this is movie D. D for dumb.”

Now we just cut back to kid and Trumpy, who is fully grown already and apparently eating the kid out of house and home.

Girl wakes up.
Servo: “Oh, what a nightmare. I dreamt I was a crappy actress in a horrible monster…film…hey, wait a minute!”

The girl notices something odd about the chick…
Servo: “Uh, hello, remember us, the audience? Can we see what it is, please?”

Mother shoos the kids out of the room (the chick is dead, by the way).
Crow: “Come on, breakfast is getting cold and she’s not getting any warmer.”

Now we get Crow’s famous “Potato Soliloquy,” which I would only spoil if I attempt to transcribe it. It’s one of the best bits they ever did.

Kid (to Trumpy): “Nobody must see you!”
Servo: “He doesn’t speak your language, dick-weed.”

Kid: “If you want to stay with me, you must do what I tell you.”
Crow: “I don’t think so.”

Trumpy vacuums up some peanuts.

Crow: “Oh, little potatoes.”

Kid: “These we’ll put away for later.”
Crow: “No! More!”
Kid: “Now we can play.”
Crow: “Like Hell! More food!”

Kid: “What do you know Trumpy?”
Crow: “Food! Eating! The Theater!”

Kid (showing Trumpy a jigsaw puzzle): “You see? The pieces fit together.”
Joel: “Oh, if only this film were so lucky.”

Back downstairs with the teens, one of whom is about to try going to radio for help with mean uncle.

And upstairs with kid and Trumpy.

Kid: “Do you have a mommy?”
Crow: “He was born of an omelet! Of course not!”

Trumpy makes the kid’s telescope view Africa for no real reason.

Kid: “You can do magic things!”
Crow: “It’s called ‘Evil,’ kid.”

And we get a completely random scene where Trumpy starts making the kid’s toys fly around the room and stuff.

Servo (as mother): “Tommy you stop warping time and space this instant.”

And we cut to teen and uncle on their way to a radio in the ranger’s cabin.
Servo: “Meanwhile in a winter movie somewhere.”

Joel: “Gosh, that last scene was goofy, I’m glad we weren’t in it.”

And back to the house with the teens, one of whom decides to try the T.V.

Girlfriend: “How can you kid around like this?”
Girl: “Because if I didn’t I’d be in hysterics…it doesn’t work.”
Joel: “I’m in hysterics!”

Kid goes back in his room to look for Trumpy, checks in his closet and…
Joel: “*SSSSSSSSSSLUURP*!”

Servo: “Face it, kid, Trumpy never loved you.”

Kid (to his cat): “Have you seen Trumpy?”
Joel (as cat): “He tried to eat me! He’s evil!”

Joel: “This is like the house of a million foyers.”

And back to the teen and uncle (and it’s no longer winter for some reason).

They approach cautiously, since no one’s home. The radio doesn’t work (of course). And they find the other poacher, dead.

Then they run into the monster, who kills the teen (mean uncle is attacked in his car, but we see he’ll get away).

Slutty girl helps mother cook and complains about how guys don’t want to sleep with her, then makes designs on the rangers if they show up.

Meanwhile, the kid keeps searching for Trumpy, who’s wandered off.

Joel: “Trumpy, bring me the girl! I desire to be read to.”

(kid looks for Trumpy with his telescope)
Joel: “Now Trumpy and I will do my version of ‘Rear Window’”

Slutty girl gets attacked by monster in the trailer.
Servo: “I think she found Trumpy.”

And the kid sees it all.

Servo: “When good pets do bad things!”

Uncle arrives back home and takes a few pot-shots at the monster.

Uncle: “It’s that damned animal!”
Rick: “What animal?”
Crow: “The damned one!”

Servo (as kid): “Faster Trumpy, kill, kill!”

Third Host Segment: They reenact the goofy “magic Trumpy” scene, with the bots as Trumpy. The ‘Mads look on in disbelief. It’s pretty funny, and we get a better look at the SOL set.

Rick (to mother): “I’m getting out of here, and if I were you I’d take the kid and leave.”
Servo: “Kid, what kid…oh, my God!”

Meanwhile the kid is wandering the woods looking for Trumpy (after he thinks he just saw Trumpy killing someone).

Random scene where Rick and uncle have an alpha-male battle which culminates in Rick blasting one of uncle’s liquor bottles.

And the kid arrives back at the house.

Servo: “You know, I’m starting not to believe this movie. I believed it when Alf went on a killing spree, but this…”

Kid finds Trumpy in his room. Trumpy claims he didn’t kill anyone.

Kid: “Uncle Bill wants to kill you.”
Joel: “My advice? Don’t let him!”

Kid: “What can we do?”
Servo: “You can put on a play in the backyard. Trumpy could be Cyrano!”

The kid decides that he and Trumpy will go hide in the woods.

Back to Rick and uncle. Uncle offers him a drink.
Crow: “Mint Julep?”
Servo: “*urp* No thanks, I’ve had twelve.”

Cut to girl in the shower.
Joel (singing): “Hmm, hmm, I’m in the shower, nothing will happen to me…”

Kid dressed Trumpy up in a parka.
Servo: “There, now you look like Admiral Perry playing the Elephant Man.”

Girl in shower attacked and killed by monster.

Servo: “She’s zestfully dead.”

Joel (as teens): “You know, this may sound crass, but we’re getting good at this.”

Crow (as Trumpy): “You’re my alibi, kid.”

Kid insists that the monster wants to be our friend (he’s channeling Kenny here).

Rick and uncle go out to hunt monster.

Trumpy wanders into the room, and the mother and girlfriend run…right past him instead of away from him.

Joel (as kid): “What’s he’s done is good.”

And now they’re all out in the woods, packing, and looking for the monster in the fog.

Kid: “We must go faster.”
Crow: “Yeah, yeah, keep your shirt on! I’m wearing a big stuffed shirt!”

And kid runs into monster, immediately forgetting his assertion that the monsters want to be friends.

Servo: “I’m gonna batter-fry you, kid!”

Kid: “Mommy! Trumpy!”
Servo: “Kid, you were set up.”

Joel: “This is more intense than when Brad Brady got lost in the Grand Canyon.”

Trumpy shows up to vouch for the kid.

Kid: “I just want to help you.”
Joel: “I conspire against my own.”

Uncle gets killed by monster, monster gets killed by Rick.

Crow: “Time to take the mask off and see who it is. Do you folks at home know?”

Mom and girlfriend run through the woods, Mom trips.
Crow: “Oh, my ankle! It’s all bendy-wendy!”

The monster self-buries.

Then kid and Trumpy have a tearful good-bye…

Kid: “I’ll never forget you, Trumpy.”
Servo: “The way you callously knocked-off fifteen people. I’ll never forget that. Don’t ever change, Trumpy.”

Then the kid switches to yelling at Trumpy and telling him he hates him.

Joel: “Oh, that kid’s really having mood-swings.”

And Trumpy is left alone in the woods.
Crow: “I’ll…just…wait here then.”

Then Trumpy wanders off.
Crow: “I’m outta here, this place sucks.”

And we get the credits again with “Galaxy of Terror” footage.

Final Host Segment: “Clown in the Sky.” This is a rather iconic song for them, very well sung by Joel. It’s actually pretty touching, in a funny way. Oddly, it opens with Joel tearing Crow apart, he doesn’t seem to mind much.

Stinger: “It Stinks.” Perfect, that’s all.

Movie Quality Rating:

1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. Gamera
7. First Spaceship to Venus
8. Rocketship XM
9. Moon Zero Two
10. Godzilla vs. Megalon
11. The Crawling Hand
12. Catalina Caper
13. King Dinosaur
14. Jungle Goddess
15. Wild Rebels
16. The Corpse Vanishes
17. Ring of Terror
18. Untamed Youth
19. The Slime People
20. Project Moonbase
21. The Sidehackers
22. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
23. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
24. Cave Dwellers
25. Pod People
26. Hellcats
27. Rocket Attack USA
28. Robot Holocaust
29. Robot Monster

Conclusion: An iconic episode that is rather decent than great in my eyes.

Final Rating: 6/10.

Big Bad Tor

(This is a little tribute I wrote about a year ago to wrestler/actor Tor Johnson. Sung to the tune of "Big Bad John")

Big Tor
Big Tor

He stood solid and he walked with a powerful stride,
Stood six-foot-three, weighed three-eighty-five
He was broad at the shoulder and broader at the hip
And everybody knew you couldn’t give the slip to big Tor

Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor

Everybody knew Tor from the Matinee show
From scary old pictures where the kids used to go
He was gentle and sweet but don’t push him too far
If he spoke at all he’d just say ‘RAR!’ Big Tor.
He’d worked for mad doctors on the drive-in screen
Till his heart would go soft for a screamin’ queen
With a crashing blow and a wrestler’s squeeze
He’d bring many a hero down to his knees. Big Tor

Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor

Now most of his pictures weren’t all that good
They were by Colman Francis and old Ed Wood
But knees were quaking and hearts beat quick
Everyone knew it was gonna be slick with Big Tor
Through the lights and the smoke of science-born hell
Walked a giant of a man that the kids knew well.
With his big, bald head and his whispery yell
Many men fought him, and many men fell to Big Tor.

Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor

And with all his strength he did his best
To show kids things they’d not forget
With Rathbone, Lugosi, and Carradine
He made his mark on the silver screen, Big Tor
Well, he quit doing movies as he got to the end
Everybody who knew him called him a friend
He’d been in the films since ‘thirty-four
And he’ll be remembered forever more, as Big Tor

Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor

Now he passed away some years ago,
And everyone was sorry to see him go
But the films keep playin’ and as long as they’re lit
Nobody will ever forget that Big, Big Man. Big Tor.

Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor