Mst3k–302: Gamera

And so, after another incredibly long delay, the MST3k Project is officially back on the air!
Here begins what will be a pattern in Season three of roughly every other film being a Japanese Sci-fi flick. This will prove a rich, fertile field for the Brains, for Japanese Sci-Fi Movies are some of the most bizarre films that mankind has ever committed to celluloid. And that’s not even considering the Japanese Special Effects style (which calls to mind the nursery rhyme: When it is good, it’s very, very good, but when it’s bad, it’s horrid) or the half-hearted dubbing, usually with some rather odd accents and dialogue as they attempt to match the Japanese lip movements.
This is the first of the Gamera film series, which can probably be best described as the poor-man’s Godzilla. I know some Gamera fans have objected to that description, but it really is very apt. The Gamera films can certainly be enjoyable, but watching them tends to make the viewer realize how much better the contemporary Godzilla movies are.
For instance, the same year “Gamera” came out Toho released “Invasion of Astro Monster,” completing the trilogy that arguably represents the high-point of the early Godzilla series (not counting the original, of course). As part of the plot of that film, the Xian Aliens request that Godzilla and Rodan be sent to Planet X to defeat King Ghidorah, as they did on Earth in the previous film. The humans object that, even if they knew where the monsters were, it would be impossible for them to capture them and bring them there. The Xians assure them that they will handle that. Now compare that to the end of “Gamera,” where the humans defeat the giant turtle by shutting him in a giant rocket and shooting him off to Mars. As out-there as the Godzilla movies could be, they tended to maintain at least a tenuous connection with reality; a connection the Gamera series throws off like a suicidal bungee-jumper.
Well, anyway, the first Gamera movie shows how Gamera was awakened by a nuclear bomb accidentally detonated in the arctic, releasing him from his icy prison. His revival is witnessed by Dr. Hidaka, his daughter, Katherine, and a reporter named Alex, who is rather creepily obsessed with Katherine. Gamera’s first move is to destroy their ship, killing everyone on board (in a pathetic attempt to mirror the shipping disasters that open “Godzilla”). We then meet far and away the most frightening thing in this film: Kenny. This little brat is obsessed with turtles and as soon as he sees Gamera he becomes almost religiously devoted to him. Listening to Kenny is like reading the parts of a Tom Clancy novel written from the terrorists’ perspective. Honestly, this kid is really disturbing in the way he keeps insisting that Gamera is ‘good and gentle’ even while the monster is laying waste to Tokyo.
So, Gamera arrives in Japan, lays waste to the country for a while in his search for flames to eat (apparently Japan is the only nation that produces flames, since Gamera flies around the world several times but only ever attacks Japan. Oh, did I mention he can fly? Because he can). Kenny does everything he can to sabotage the efforts to stop Gamera, yet Hidaka and everyone still treat him with parental kindness rather than committing him (and there are some rather disturbing hints that Kenny is actually directing Gamera’s attacks somehow). Eventually a really contrived ending takes place, where Gamera is, indeed, locked in a giant rocket (seriously, that thing must be a mile tall at least) and shot into space (this was “Z Plan:” apparently something they had been working on long before Gamera showed up. No word on why exactly they made such a huge rocket in the first place).
So, yeah, the film is pretty bad. But it’s a friendly, fun kind of bad. Joel himself notes that it’s not such a bad movie. Gamera is a pretty cool monster, with his huge tusks and ability to shoot into the air like a flying saucer. If it weren’t for Kenny the film would be a pretty painless experience. As it is…well, at least Kenny doesn’t have as much screen time as some of his future cinematic brothers would.
The episode is very funny, with Joel and the ‘bots in top form throughout, riffing on the poor effects, Kenny’s creepiness, the odd voices, and so on. The host segments are all pretty strong too, each expertly spoofing the movie. So, a goofy-Japanese sci-fi flick, strong riffing, and strong host segments make this an all around excellent episode.


Thoughts while watching:

Opening: Joel and the bots are warming up under Tom’s direction. It’s pretty amusing, and actually appropriate as they are warming up their voices; the kind of things actors do before performing.

Invention Exchange: Joel has an endless salad. It’s really endless. (Also a great bit where Crow tricks Tom into a ‘trust exercise’). Frank has invented a vacuum cleaner for cleaning bird cages. It sucks up the whole cage, bird and all. A very amusing sketch all around.

The credits open over close-up footage of the ocean.

Servo: “Water! The source of all life!”

Our first acquaintance with Sandy Frank, who will turn out to have one of the more painful relations with the Brains.

Servo: “Titles by the Atlantic Ocean.”

Cut to bombers in flight.
Servo: “Oh, death from on high. Neat.”

Crow: “Micro Machines at five-o’clock! And GI Joe is there!”

Reporter: “It looks wild!”
Girl: “You can say that again.”
All: “It looks wild!”

Crow (on a dog in the background): “Ruff. Arf.”

Anyway, three characters meet with some Eskimos and then notice the bombers overhead.

Sailor: “Do you think Dr. Hidaka will learn anything from the Eskimos?”
Servo: “Oh, get real!”

Cut to an American base hearing about the bombers.

Crow: “Americans? What are they doing in the film?”

General: “Have you spotted anything on your radar screen?”
Really bad actor: “No sir. It must coated with anti…electric wave paint sir.”
Joel: “Cut! Cut! Let’s do that again!”

Servo: “Hey, it’s Curly Joe as the General.”

Sailor: “Captain, will they attack us?”
Captain: “I doubt it.”
Joel: “They’re models.”

Some American planes chase the mysterious bombers.

(Bomber fires a missile out its rear)
Joel: “Uh, you lost your muffler.”

(American planes shoot down bombers)
Servo: “And that’s just a warning.”

Girl: “It looks like that air plane carried atomic weapons.”
Servo: “Which means we’re all dead.”

Scientist: “Be careful, don’t go into that area, there’s radiation there.”
Servo: “And as everyone knows it can only affect you if you touch it.”

The ice melts and breaks.

Servo: “And so, in fear and hot water, the first slurpy is born!”

And Gamera breaks out of the ice!

(Girl fiddles with radio while an Eskimo kid stands next to her)
Girl: “Atmospheric conditions are bad and I can’t make contact.”
Servo: “And this little kid keeps twisting all the dials.”
(Joel smacks the kid)

Hidaka: “Good-bye, Chief.”
Crow: “Good-bye McCloud.”
(They’ll really run that gag into the ground next episode)

And the Eskimo chief gives the scientist the ‘Legendary stone’ with pictures of Gamera.

Eskimo: “It is the devil’s envoy!”
Servo: “Kissinger?”
Eskimo: “Gamera!”
Servo: “Oh.”

(examining the stone)
Hidaka: “There are waves around it, it must be aquatic…”
Crow: “Like a duck?”

And the sailors are watching Gamera through binoculars.

Gamera attacks the ship…

And kills everyone on board.

Some toy jets take off…

Servo: “Ice Station Tyco.”

(on a shot of a pilot with a black visor)
Servo: “I can’t see a damn thing. What’s going on, it’s pitch black in here?”
(pilot lifts the visor)
Servo: “Oh.”

(flying over a huge hole in the ice)
Crow: “Looks like we’re flying over the plot hole of the film.”

Cut to New York.

(on a sign saying ‘New York news studio’ which has been cut off by the camera)
Servo: “Oh, New York News Stud.”
Crow: “Hello, ladies!”

Hidaka and his daughter give a news conference with the stud.

(On the bored looking daughter)
Joel: “Sleep! Sleep!”

After the news conference we cut to a drunk old man walking home at night.

Servo: “Oh, this is the universal unsuspecting drunkard about to have a brush with the supernatural.”

And he sees a fireball flying around in the air (his main concern is that it changes its course, not that it’s a huge fireball).

Old Guy: “Maybe it’s the flying saucer I’ve heard them talk about…so much…lately.”
All (applause): “Bravo!”

Reporter (talking about flying saucers): “Even an old farmer outside of Tokyo claims he saw one.”
Servo: “But he’s old, goofy, and drunk.”

Cut to airplane where our three leads are flying.

Servo: “The captain has turned off the no-dubbing sign; you are free to speak any language you choose.”

So, wait, the girl flew from the Arctic to New York and now is flying home and only now realizes that they’re the only survivors?! I guess she’s a little slow.

Hidaka: “There were at least seven or eight camera men along with the expedition.”
Crow: “Now they’re Gamera men.”

Reporter guy confesses that he chose to go along with Hidaka to be with his daughter.

Cut to a lighthouse on the coast.

Lady (looking off screen): “Hello!”
All: “Hi!”
Lady: “Nice to see you.”
All: “Thank you!”

She’s meeting with Kenny’s teacher (who is Kenny? Oh, you’ll see, gentle reader, you’ll see).

Teacher: “He’s done a very strange drawing. I thought you should see it.”
Joel: “Uh, that’s me with the arrows through my head.”

We learn Kenny is obsessed with turtles.

Teacher: “Kenny’s not a bad student.”
Servo: “He’s just twisted.”

Teacher: “The other students make fun of him. They think he’s strange.”
Crow: “Yeah, kids are perceptive that way.”

Lady: “His mother died when he was very young.”
Joel: “She was mauled by turtles.”

Servo (as teacher): “Oh, and ask him to bathe. We must have some rules.”

Cut to Kenny’s family at dinner. Kenny sneaks some food from the table.

Lady: “Kenny? What are you doing with that?”
Joel (as Kenny): “Evil things. Horrible things.”
Lady: “Who’s all this food for?”
Joel: “Sauron the Dark Lord!”

And they make Kenny get rid of his pet turtle.
Servo (Makes flushing noises).
Joel: “See you on the other side, sweet friend.”

First Host Segment: Servo signs a heart-felt song to Tibby, Kenny’s pet turtle. It’s a great song and a great segment, especially when Crow tries to join in. Again, Kevin Murphy has a beautiful voice.
Crow: “Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?”

Back in the movie, Kenny is moping and Gamera pops up over the cliff looking at him. Kenny sees him.

Crow (As Gamera): “Those kids at school they tease you Kenny, because they’ve never tasted Hell. Today we turn the tables!”

Lady: “You’re seeing things!”
(Ground starts shaking)
Crow: “Oh, now you’re feeling things! Kenny, stop it.”

Gamera pops up again.
Crow (as Gamera): “What’s all this about not letting Kenny keep his turtle?”

And Kenny randomly climbs up into the lighthouse, which Gamera promptly smashes.

They’re all cheering for Kenny to fall (I’m with them). He does, but Gamera catches him (boo).

Crow: “Yeah, quick, move his spine around, he’s had a bad fall.”

Kenny starts insisting that Gamera must be good, because he saved him (after trying to kill him, note).

Cut to scientist etc.

Odd voice off screen: “Excuse me Dr. Hidaka?”
Crow: “I have this stabbing pain in my back!”

Joel does a great little other side of the phone voice.

Radio: “Reports are coming in about the devastation caused by Gamera. Although some of these come from unreliable sources.”
Crow: “Like Kenny.”

Kenny finds a pile of rocks.
Crow: “Oh, it’s Tibby’s burial mound!”
Servo: “Shut up.”

Kenny: “Tibby?”
Crow: “Or not ti-be!”

Kenny runs around calling for Tibby.
Crow: “Tibby? Tibby? Squish! Oh, Tibby!”

Joel: “What are you worried about, Tibby’s long dead Tom.”
Servo: “I’m leaving! This is terrible!”
Servo tries to exit through the other side of the theater.

Crow: “How does he expect Tibby to signal him? Light a flare?”

Cut to three heroes on another plane.

Joel: “Man, they’ve been on that plane for like forty-eight hours!”

Reporter guy is starting to get creepy in his obsession with the girl.

Dr. Hidaka: “He must be found soon. Or there’ll be chaos everywhere.”
(Cut to a guy with a clip-board)
Joel: “Let’s see there’s chaos here, chaos there, uh, yup, he’s right, chaos everywhere.”

Gamera starts heading for a geothermal power plant.

Three heroes show up as well.

Commander: “I’m sorry. Reporters aren’t allowed here.”
Servo: “But I’m a bad reporter…”

A guy with a rather odd voice shows up, much to Joel’s delight as he starts imitating him mercilessly.
Crow (after Joel does several quips in odd voice): “Stop please. You can be replaced by Leno, you know.”
Joel: “Sorry.”

Cut to heroes in a jeep.
Crow: “I-it’s s-s-o bu-umpy!”

And they try to electrocute Gamera as he attacks.

Guy: “The electrical shocks don’t seem to bother Gamera at all.”
Servo: “Hm. And I was counting very heavily on them.”

Military fires at Gamera.

Servo: “Three-Mile Island: The real story.”

Joel: “Doesn’t he kind of look like Godzilla with a backpack on?”

Gamera starts eating the fire.

Hidaka: “I must go back to the university.”
Crow: “You stay here.”

Cut to a university where we meet a scientist who looks a lot like a Col. Sanders.

Col. Sanders: “Gamera has the power to convert organic matter into inorganic matter.”
Joel: “Oh, like McDonalds.”

Soldier: “Commander, I believe we ought to call UN Headquarters!”
Servo: “Oh, what, so you’re in charge now?”

And Kenny is there for some reason and starts cheering for Gamera to run. Joel tries to cover his mouth.

Kenny screams that Gamera is good (despite all evidence to the contrary).

Kenny: “Gamera saved my life once.”
Crow: “Yeah, that’s great kid. Guard!”

Kenny: “Gamera is a good turtle, sir.”
Servo: “Yep, what he’s done today is a benefit to all, kid.”

Soldier: “The plant is completely destroyed.”
Crow: “I told you to water the plant!”

Military suggests a freezing bomb, which only lasts for ten-minutes.

Katherine: “You mean it can really freeze anything?”
Crow: “Even a man’s passion?”

They really emphasize the ‘ten-minute’ limit.

Hidaka: “If we make a mistake the whole plan will fail!”
Servo: “No pressure, though.”

Second Host Segment: Crow does that voodoo that he do so well on Kenny via Joel’s Jim Varney doll. Joel tries to get them to feel some compassion for Kenny. It doesn’t work, of course. It’s a pretty funny sketch, especially Crow’s plan to give Kenny a big hug…and squeeze him, and squeeze him, and squeeze, and squeeze, and squeeeeeze…Also contains perhaps the first mention of Kim Catrall, the future object of Crow’s affection.

Back in the movie, they’re bombing Gamera with the freezing bombs.

The plan ends with Gamera rolling onto his back.

Crow (as Gamera): “Tell Kenny I loved him.”

And they all expect Gamera to die shortly, since turtles can’t turn over.

Gamera pulls in his head and feet:
Servo: “I’m melting! Oh, what a world, what a world!”

And Gamera starts his jets and flies off like a flying saucer.

Joel (on Hidaka): “Looks like it’s back to Botech for me.”

Hidaka: “They were trying to tell us that Gamera was a flying creature!”
Servo: “A little late, herr doktor.”

(A newspaper suddenly pops up on screen)
Servo: “Smash! Newspaper hits Japanese in face!”
(Cut to old guy reading paper)
Joel: “Ooh, that stung!”

And suddenly cut to Kenny and his mysterious female relative living in Tokyo:

Lady: “What are these stones for?”
Joel (as Kenny): “To hurt people. Life hurts me, so I hurt back.”

Lady: “I suppose this is another foolishness of yours.”
Crow: “I suppose now we’re going to be attacked by a giant rock.”

And Kenny and Lady burst in on Hidaka unannounced.

Katherine: “I told Kenny that when he was visiting Tokyo he ought to come and see us.”
Hidaka: “Oh, how nice.”
Servo: “I didn’t really mean…”

(Lady rambles on about what’s been happening with them)
Servo (as Hidaka): “Oh, how nice for you. Look, I need to get back to work.”

Kenny: “Doctor…”
Joel: “You’re going to die, sir.”

Kenny: “Gamera must be terribly lonely.”
Crow: “Kenny, he’s a turtle! Get a mitt and catch a clue!”

Joel (as Kenny): “Gamera demands your instant death!”

Joel: “Your passing will be painless, doctor.”

Cut to Kenny having an argument with another boy over his stones.

Kenny: “Give me back my stones.”
Joel: “You were born of a jackal!”

Turns out the other kid threw Kenny’s stones into the river.
Joel (as Kenny): “DIE! DIE! DIE!”

Now cut to Kenny mopping in a bed, complete with Exorcist jokes.

Joel (as Kenny): “I am the dream warrior!”

And now cut to some fishermen complaining about how the fishing is so bad, then news about floods in Tokyo, complete with stock footage)

Crow: “Oh, ah, this is Pearl Harbor, how did this get in here?”

Hidaka blames Gamera for the disasters (this plot line goes nowhere, by the way).

Mirasu: “I am forced to admit there may be more disasters ahead.”
Servo: “More Gamera movies.”

Cut to a Tokyo airport, where Gamera shows up and kills everyone.

Joel: “Well, so much for Kenny’s theory about him being good-hearted.”

Cut to a rock band.
Crow: “Kenny and the Ken-Tones!”

And the dancers are literally too dumb to live, so they keep dancing while Gamera approaches, even as the police try to make them evacuate.

And Gamera takes down Tokyo Tower and pretty much kills everyone he sees.

Kenny creepily watches the destruction.

Lady: “Hurry, we must leave right away!”
Joel (creepy monotone): “There is still so much work to be done though, sister.”

In the aftermath of the destruction, the Lady tries to evacuate and realizes the Kenny is gone.

Servo: “Oh, who’s she kidding? She’s been wishing for this since frame one.”

So, Gamera is being kept at a coal plant by plying him with flames. Kenny inexplicably decides to go to him.

Crow (as Gamera): “Why? Why? The world was never meant for one as beautiful as me!”

Kenny hops a petroleum train heading for Gamera. Why? He’s psychotic, okay?

Crow makes a bad pun and Joel just casually rips his arm off and hits him with it!

(Guy answers phone)
Guy: “Did it work?”
Servo: “This is Gamera: knock it off!”

And one of the workers risks his life to try to save the ungrateful little psychopath.

Joel (as Kenny): “Gamera, I’m coming to be in union with you!”

(as the guy tries to save Kenny)
Joel: “Don’t touch me infidel! The man-goat shall make you pay!”

And they both only barely survive (unfortunately).

The workers all mock Kenny (as do the guys), very justly.

Anyway, the government is now ready to execute “Z Plan.” What is Z Plan? You’ll see, gentle viewer.

Announcer: “The area is off limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.”
Joel: “Kenny, however, is free to move about.”

Indeed, Kenny stows away on the ship heading to the area.

Third Host Segment: The bots are in a beauty shop and are visited by Gamera (played by Mike Nelson). He’s really nice and admits that he’s using Kenny. It’s a fun little sketch.

Oddly, Joel is already in the theater when they return. He doesn’t believe they met Gamera.

Kenny travlling:
Joel (singing): “Hmm, death to the world…”

Crow (on the island where the end will take place): “Once a garden spot. Now, a playground of death.”

Hidaka: “Kenny, you’re a friend of Gamera, aren’t you?”
Servo: “Oh, very much so!”
Joel: “I am his key-master.”

(Kenny looks thoughtful)
Joel: “Now let’s see, what could I screw up big time…yeah, that’s it! Boats! Everybody needs boats!”

The military creates a line of fire across the ocean to the site of Z Plan (it’s actually a pretty cool shot).

Gamera follows the line of fire, gobbling it up.

But oh noes! A Typhoon threatens to put out the fire!

Joel: “Emperor Kenny, it’s got a nice ring to it. I shall soon be crowned king.”

Hurrah! Reporter guy starts setting fire to the installation to draw Gamera! (and no one else thought of that for some reason).

Servo: “And now Gamera in a scene from ‘From Here to Eternity’”
Joel: “That’s more like the length of this movie.”

But oh noes! The rain puts out the fire!

Crow (as Gamera): “You never loved me, Kenny! It’s just the rocks you cared about!”

Hurrah! A volcano goes off and Gamera is drawn back! (seriously, this whole climax is amazingly contrived).

So they put Z Plan into operation (which Kenny is suddenly excited about, even though he did his best to sabotage it a few minutes ago).

By the way, we get a really pretty impressive mate painting here.

Crow: “Oh, good, Kenny’s here: we can start.”

Joel: “Get me a phone to Moscow and a chocolate doughnut for Kenny.”

So, Z Plan was to trap Gamera in the enormous rocket they just had sitting around and shoot him into space.

Crow and Servo start singing the MST3k Theme song! Joel is not pleased.

And everyone’s happy! Hidaka advises Katherine to give up science and marry reporter guy. Kenny plans to see Gamera again.

Kenny: “Gamera! See you soon!”
Crow (as Gamera): “Hey, Kenny! Get bent!”

Crow: “Gamera will be back in ‘The Bells of Saint Mary’s!’”

Final Host Segment: “A quality cast deserves a second look.” Tom gives a second look at the characters in the film. It’s very funny. Then we get a letter. Joel comments that this wasn’t such a bad movie this time. The Mads are not happy about that.

Stinger: Eskimo says “Bye.” It’s a pretty decent moment, just for the way he says it. An acceptable stinger.
Movie Quality Rating:

1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. Gamera
7. First Spaceship to Venus
8. Rocketship XM
9. Moon Zero Two
10. Godzilla vs. Megalon
11. The Crawling Hand
12. Catalina Caper
13. King Dinosaur
14. Jungle Goddess
15. Wild Rebels
16. The Corpse Vanishes
17. Ring of Terror
18. Untamed Youth
19. The Slime People
20. Project Moonbase
21. The Sidehackers
22. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
23. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
24. Cave Dwellers
25. Hellcats
26. Rocket Attack USA
27. Robot Holocaust
28. Robot Monster

Conclusion: A goofy monster movie, some great riffing, and strong host segments make this an all-around great episode.

Final Rating: 10/10.

Alice Cooper: An Appreciation

Today, I discovered a little too late, was Alice Cooper’s birthday. I don’t know whether it’ll surprise anyone or not, but I’m a fan of his. First off, his music is simply awesome (my favorite is probably “He’s Back,” written in honor of that masterpiece of cinema: “Friday the 13th Part VI”). But more than that, to me he embodies a sort of gleeful mockery of evil. Cooper acts like some sort of sadomasochistic horror freak, but it’s all an act. If it were real, he wouldn’t be half as much fun. I think he’s one of the very few modern artists who really capture the feel of a medieval macabre or bawdy: the dancing deaths and “Miller’s Tale.” In singing about being a serial killer or about having hot masochistic sex, Cooper is actually mocking them. The reality may be horrible, but he approaches it with such a deft, light touch that becomes entertaining rather than repulsive. You enjoy the song like you enjoy a horror movie: because it is fires up the blood and sends shivers down the spine, while at the same time being fundamentally innocent. An Alice Cooper song is a camp-fire story or slumber-party game in music form. It’s ultimately a mockery of evil rather than an endorsement of it.
Cooper himself is, apparently, a devout Christian who has gone on record saying his songs are meant to say “this is the devil: don’t choose it.” I believe him. At least one of his songs wouldn’t be out of place at a Youth Group Meeting (oh, boy, if I ever host one…). Cooper has seen enough of the ugly side of life in his time, and now he sings about it in a way that makes it over-the-top absurd rather than frightening. His songs are, in essence, a rousing chorus of “we are not afraid!” directed straight at Satan. That’s a rare skill and all too often misunderstood these days, particularly in Christian circles.
Happy Birthday, Alice!