First off, sorry for the extremely long delay this time. I got too busy to do this review, then the longer it took the less inclined I was to resume the project. Now, though, I’m going to try to get back on schedule with a review a week.
Anyway, Cave Dwellers. Ah, Cave Dwellers! Another genuine milestone in the history of Mst3k! This episode begins the Golden Age of Mystery Science Theater 3000; a period from the beginning of the Third Season to the end of the Sixth which represents the canon, the essence, the ‘pure’ Mst3k. This marks the point where they really hit their stride.
This pivotal episode features a movie which will become famous in the annals of Mst3k. ‘Cave Dwellers’ tells the story of Ator(Miles O’Keefe); the massive-haired, giant-pecced hero of the oppressed of generically-barbaric history. Ator gets called upon by the daughter of a dreadfully dull old-man, who is a generic wise-man/ancient scientist. He’s discovered something called the ‘Geometric Nucleus’ which does something. We never find out what, but it’s enough for a genericbad-guy (notice a pattern here?) to attack the old-guy and try to steal it. The daughter runs off to find Ator, and, along with Ator’s sidekick, Thong (who is the most likeable character in the movie due to the fact that he never speaks), wander back to the old-guy’s castle, having pointless and time-wasting adventures along the way. Finally, they make it back and Ator bombs the castle from the air (seriously), kills the bad guy, and destroys the nucleus.
The film is bristling with stupidity and errors. Early on, the girl is told Ator lives at ‘The Ends of the Earth,’ which she apparently reaches within a few hours with an *arrow in her chest*. On the way back, though, it takes several days and numerous obstacles to get back. I guess she took the short-cut on the way there. Meanwhile, random bad-guys show up for a couple scenes and disappear, velvety monsters are fought, and awkwardly choreographed sword fights ensue whenever the filmmakers remembered they were making a barbarian movie, while the film abounds in continuity errors, ridiculous dialogue, plot holes, and all sorts of fodder for Joel and the bots to get their teeth into.
Miles O’Keefe is one of those actors who seem to have made an indefinable impression on the Brains; perhaps it was his massive hair and muscles, perhaps it was his humorously wooden delivery (his ‘NO!’ has to be heard to be believed). Most likely it was a combinations of all the above and his delightful tough-guy name which invites itself to so many puns (some ways down the line a host segment will present the menu item ‘Miles O’Beef’). At any rate, his contribution is a major part of what makes this film so enjoyably stupid and it is much appreciated. For his part Mr. O’Keefe apparently had a sense of humor about the whole thing and put in several appearances at Mst3k conventions.
Riffwise this is a very, very strong episode. The guys come out of the gate firing on all cylinders with numerous jokes on the wooden acting, Miles O’Keefe, the awful effects, Miles O’Keefe, the plot holes, Thong, and Miles O’Keefe to name a few. The jokes come thick, fast and hilarious, setting a new standard for the show.
The host segments are likewise amusing, although none of them are classics. The best is probably the first where they reenact the credits. So in summary a combination of good host segments, a hilariously bad movie, and great riffing make for an outstanding opening to the Golden Age of Mst3k.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel and the bots are talking about what names they would pick for themselves (Gypsy: “Mrs. Richard Basehart! Mrs. Richard Basehart!”). Pretty amusing. Joel acts like they’ve been off for a while; a nice way to open the new Season. And for some reason Servo has a fez and they’re all wearing bathrobes.
Invention: Dr. F makes some reference to ‘going through the asteroid belt;’ another nod to the new season. Joel invents the smoking jacket for people who know that smoking is cool but deadly. The Mads invent Robotic Arm-Wrestling. It’s pretty amusing, particularly Joel and the Bots cheering them on, and it features one of the final appearances of the mole people.
As they come in the credits are playing over a half-a-screen; the bottom half is black, the top plays scenes from a completely different movie (This was apparently distributed by the same company that did ‘Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster’).
Servo: “This is in shoebox-format)
Joel (on the credit for Miles O’Keeffe): “How much Keeffe is in this movie anyway?”
Servo: “Miles O’Keeffe.”
(on the ‘director of photography’ credit)
Joel: “Director of the top-half of the photography…”
Joel peaks over the top of the half-screen of the credits!
Cut to some Cave Men.
Servo: “This week on ‘Cave Dwellers’”
Crow (on cave-men eating): “Mmm, Grog tastes good!”
A narrator rambles about ‘savage, early man’ and the ‘few who have been touched by a higher power.’
Cave-Men attack:
Servo: “Playing center-spear, Og!”
Crow: “Playing defensive back-up, Oog!”
Joel: “and that right-hunchback is Org!”
Crow: “Hey, Grog just threw a bone into the air and it turned into a spaceship!”
Crow: “It’s an early version of West-Side Story. ‘Uhn, I just met a girl named Uhn!’”
Cut to a castle.
Servo: “Stately Wayne Manor.”
We meet an old wise man who speaks very…very…slow…ly.
Old Man (to his daughter): “I always wanted you to be wise.”
Servo: “But we’ll settle on looks.”
Old man shows his daughter his discovery…which Servo identifies as a rear-view mirror.
By the way, we never do find out what, exactly this discovery is.
Old Man looks at camera.
Crow: “What do you, the viewers at home think?”
Flashback to Ator’s history (read: previous movie).
Crow: “This is the part of the film we like to call ‘she had to ask.’”
Old Man: “Riba…”
Crow: “Son of Frogmar, keeper of the Seven Keys of Fintuzler…”
Crow: “Jeeze, Tolkien couldn’t follow this plot!”
Ator fakily cuts a zombie’s head off.
Servo: “Ooh, how graphic!”
Ator pushes a gong on a bad guy.
Servo: “Ooh, he’s been gonged.”
Crow: “He’d never killed that big a puppet before.”
Ator: “That exercise works. I can feel it here…”
Crow: “Wait, where’s my shirt?”
End flashback.
Daughter: “Father, tell me…”
Servo: “Again?”
All: “NO!”
Girl is sent off to find Ator…
Crow: “Music by the Super Mario Brothers.”
Hilarious bit where a guy leading a bunch of horseman randomly calls ‘Follow me!’ then spends a few seconds orientating his horse.
Anyway, bad guys attack the castle.
Old Guy: “When you seem to have reached the ends of the Earth…”
Crow: “Ask for Earl.”
Bad guys rough up old guy, knocking over a shelf.
Joel: “That’s my spice rack!”
The bad guy wears a swan helmet! A swan helmet!
Pause-filled conversation between bad guy and old guy.
Bad guy laughs evilly.
Joel: “Ha ha! Oh, observational humor.”
First Host Segment: Joel and the Bots do a more lucid version of the credits. It’s pretty amusing, especially the credits they provide. ‘Tom Servo as that really dull old guy.’ ‘Continuity by ‘.
Come back to find the girl in a fight with some bad-guys…she gets shot in the chest with an arrow.
Servo: “You idiot, we don’t even have a doe license.”
Joel: “Why is she limping?”
Crow: “She’s got an arrow in her chest.”
(old guy and bad guy climb stairs)
Crow: “Use the hand-rails. I invented them for a reason.”
(Ator holds up a HUGE sword)
Joel: “Made this in shop-class; it’s a letter opener.”
(quick and random cut to an owl and back)
Crow: “Hey did you just turn into an owl and then back real fast?”
And girl comes sliding in (apparently she walked to the ends of the Earth with an arrow in her chest).
Crow: “Look out, it’s wet there, I just mopped.”
And Ator provides some rather goofy first aid.
Servo:”Hey, he’s washing with lava.”
Crow: “The soap?”
Servo: ”No, the real thing.”
Servo: “I could be wrong but this arrow may have something to do with it.”
Cut back to evil guy and old guy.
Bad guy is reading a scroll.
Servo: “Wait a minute…this is the Magna Carta!”
Back to Ator etc.
Ator is writing something, leading to a great gag where Servo acts like he’s writing down the dialogue (“How many ‘A’s in ‘danger’?)
Servo: “What do you think he’s writing?”
Crow: “The script?”
Ator: “First you must prove to us that you are the daughter of the Great One.”
Crow: “If you can look bored and speak haltingly, you’re in!”
And they provide a stupid test for her; they lock her in a cell and challenge her to get out.
Servo: “What would MacGyver do?”
And she gets out by blowing up the cell.
Servo: “I suppose she could’ve tried the lock.”
Crow: “You owe me fifty-bucks for the door.”
Bad guys
Bad Guy: “Let me introduce you to Sandor.”
Crow: “You can call me Sandy.”
Old guy does another long, dull speech.
Long pause:
Crow (whispering): “Say something! Line!”
Servo (same): “Come on, fake it!”
Sandor casts some magic and we cut to Ator and co. walking through some fog.
Servo: “We’re getting close to Ridley Scott now.”
And Ator and his sidekick lose the girl.
Servo: “After exhausting every possibility, the men move on.”
They’re attacked by ‘invisible’ attackers (Read: They mime getting hit and make complete fools of themselves).
Joel: “I don’t believe it they were too cheap to hire villains in this thing!”
Servo: “So, let’s recap the action so far.”
Joel: “Uh, nothing really.”
Servo: “Uh, you’re right. Let’s move on.”
And Ator and his sidekick, Thong (seriously, that’s his name), defeat the ‘invisible attackers’ by throwing their capes onto them.
Crow: “Ah! Now they’re scarier!”
(As they move on)
Joel: “Don’t they want their capes?”
Crow: “No, they’d have invisible blood on them.”
And the girl is attacked by some cave dwellers and captured (she’s a girl, you see).
Crow: “These must be the Cave Dwellers!”
Servo: “That’s right, thirty-five minutes into the film and we’re finally at the first plot point.”
As are three bad guys randomly wandering around the same cave (leading to very funny ‘Three-Stooges’ style gag from the guys).
(on the cave-dweller’s random muttering)
Crow: “Ojibiwa! Wait minute, I invented a word!”
(On the cave chief)
Joel: “I am a noble savage.”
Joel: “Tuesdays are human sacrifice day at the sizzler.”
(cave dweller rips out a guy’s heart)
Servo: “I think Tony Bennet left that in San Francisco.”
(Cave dweller chief eats heart)
Servo: “I want a Barney Clark Bar.”
(as Ator approaches the cave where all this heart-eating is taking place)
Crow: “*sniff* Mmmm, something smells good!”
And now they go to do the same to the girl and Ator just…kinda sits there.
(on Ator’s inactivity).
Joel: “I’ve got a wonderful Grinchy idea!”
Second Host Segment: The fancy, fantasy names given to the ordinary props. It’s pretty quietly amusing.
And Thong is randomly wandering around the cave while Ator and girl do likewise.
Joel (as Thong scratches something on the cave wall): “For a good time call Thong…”
Joel: “By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes.”
Cut to bad guy admonishing Sandor.
Servo: “Bad country singer! Bad Willie!”
(Sandor looks a bit like Willie Nelson, see)
Bad guy: “Flog him!”
Crow: “Thank you sir!”
(as Sandor is carried off to prison)
Servo: “Okay, I’ll do linking rings. I’ll do ball-in-a-cup. I’ll do metamorphosis! Wait! Wait!”
And back to Ator etc, now running through a wood.
Girl: “I sense the presence of something evil.”
Crow: “That’s you.”
Ator: “Ever since we left the cave, I’ve had the feeling we’re being followed.”
Joel (as Thong): “Uh, that’s me boss, I’m right behind you.”
And three samurai just kind of show up.
Servo: “Oh, no, they’ve jumped into a Kurosawa film!”
Crow: “So it’ll start making sense?”
(low angle shot of Ator)
Joel: “I’m HUGE!”
And a lamely choreographed fight scene ensues.
Servo: “You know, the reason this scene is so good is that we care about the characters.”
Crow: “We do. I mean, we do?”
Servo: “We really do.”
And they kill the samurai, and we cut to the Bad Guy.
Bad Guy (after another pause-filled statement): “What do you say to that?”
Crow: “I say…YOU COULD DRIVE A MACK TRUCK THROUGH YOUR CUES! TEMPO! TEMPO! PICK IT UP!”
Bad Guy (to old guy): “You’re wonderful.”
Crow: “Marry me.”
And back to Ator etc. Thong is fishing while Ator cooks and the girl…just kind of wanders.
Girl: “Do you think my father’s still alive?”
Servo: “Oh, sure. *snort*”
And now it’s night and Thong captures some random people.
Ator: “What do you want?”
Servo: “Hey, look, you captured us!”
And the prisoners tell a tale of woe.
Ator: “The huns have always demanded the blood of man.”
Crow: “Yeah, they’re funny that way.”
Cut to random village, where they’re taking volunteers to be sacrificed to the bad guys.
(scrawny guy steps forward)
Joel: “Uh, you, never mind.”
Ator shows up.
Joel: “It’s speedy-delivery guy and has he got a package!”
Joel: “Who is this gentle stranger with pecs like melons and knees of fringe?”
Ator: “Where is Ravany?”
Village Leader: “Ravany has left us.”
Crow: “Because he had nothing to do with the film.”
Ator: “He was a proud, courageous man.”
Servo: “But dumber than a bag of hammers.”
Ator: “You must not lose heart.”
Crow: “Or some guy will eat it.”
And Ator starts shouting plans without anyone agreeing to help. He just walks up the line and orders them to fight.
Bearded Village-Guy: “I want to fight.”
Crow: “For my right to party!”
And the village leader gives Ator some wine, which, being an idiot, he drinks without question.
Crow: “Drink it all. Sometimes the poison’s on the bottom.”
Crow (evilly): “Are you done with your, heheheh, drink?”
(Low angle shot of Ator falling over)
Crow: “Timber!”
(on a shot of Thong after Ator faints)
Joel: “Alright, now we call this film the ‘Thong Dwellers’!”
More random bad guys show up.
Crow: “I think it’s the Kurds.”
Servo: “And Whey?”
Crow: “Yes, Whey.”
And the bad guys kill everyone and raise the village.
Ator gives a big ‘No!’ that has to be heard to be believed.
As Ator and the girl are distressed by the fire.
Servo: “Uh, this is just a wild idea, but how about moving to the other side of the pole where the fire isn’t?”
And abrupt cut to the headquarters of these new bad guys (look, don’t ask, just go with it)
(cut to a sharp-dressed bad-guy)
Crow: “I’m the best-looking man in the middle ages! My, my, my!”
And the main bad guy shows up with some gold and a few girls to be sacrificed.
Girl: “It would be less repugnant to be strangled by a thousand serpents than to have to endure your smile.”
Joel: “I see. What does repugnant mean? Ah, no matter.”
Crow (as bad guy turns to Ator): “You don’t think I’m repugnant, do you?”
(Bad guy pokes one of Ator’s pecs.)
Servo: “Ding….dong!”
Bad guy leaves and secondary bad guys start sacrificing girls…
Servo: “Wait a minute, folks, we have snakes growling here.”
Servo: “Oh, look, anal retentive snakes; they lined up the skulls.”
And Thong cuts Ator loose and another lame fight scene breaks out. (including a funny bit where one of the bad guys visibly struggles to get his sword out of its scabbard)
Third host segment: Joel explains about foley artists (sound-effects creation). It’s pretty amusing, especially the ‘handy Hollywood Meat-sticks.’ And the box full of hamsters (just add milk).
Back to the movie, Ator fights a big rubber snake puppet.
Joel: “It’s the mother-loving pigeon of all sock-puppets.”
(Girl just sits there and screams)
Servo: “Uh, you know, you can jump in here any time…”
Servo: “Just cut the wires Ator!”
And after that completely pointless tangent, they arrive at the old-guy’s castle.
Servo thunks his head against Ator’s chin!
Ator: “We’ll have to fight them.”
Girl: “Just the three of us?”
Crow: “No, just me; you were a big help with the snake.”
Ator: “I’ll keep them busy outside.”
All: “Mwuahahahaha!”
And Ator produces a Hang-glider out of nowhere.
Servo does a funny little ‘Ator flying’ song.
(shot of Ator flying)
Servo: “Gomez! I invented the wheel!”
And he flies over a castle that looks entirely different from the one in the movie.
(when the old guy tells bad guy he taught Ator the ‘theory of flight,’ bad guy hits him)
Crow: “Theory of flight? I’ll teach you the theory of fist!”
Servo: “Well, it looks like heflew into 17th century Bulgaria and that’s Mad Ludwig’s castle there.”
And Ator starts bombing the bad guys (yes, he invented bombs along with the hang-glider)
Crow: “Alright you crummy rats, Henry Kissinger says Merry Christmas!”
(A bomb sends an obvious dummy flying.)
Servo: “My God, they hit Charlie McCarthy!”
Cut from Ator landing in a field to Ator landing on the battlements.
Joel: “and I suppose he’s got a tank in the courtyard now.”
Crow: “Yeah, and it’s made out of coconuts.”
Bad guy starts beating old guy for the macguffin.
Bad Guy (to Ator): “I’m not afraid of you!”
(Ator swings at him)
Servo: “Well, maybe a little.”
And Bad Guy and Ator fight. Ator proves dumb as a post by giving the bad guy his second sword.
Crow: “He’s not much without his hang-glider, is he?”
And then Ator gets the advantage, but Old Guy randomly tells him not to kill Bad Guy so he can be tried by the ancient United Nations, or something.
Joel: “Oh, he’s making that up!”
Servo: “So, what the heck did I hang-glide in here for anyway.”
And Thong kills Bad Guy anyway.
Joel: “Hey, thanks a lot Thong. I’ll visit you in prison, bake you a rice-cake with a saw in it, buddy.”
Ator leaves…
And we cut to nuclear explosion while the narrator says something about the macguffin getting destroyed. Whatever.
Crow: “Well, this is neat, but what the heck does it have to do with the movie?”
And cut to Ator riding a horse.
Joel: “He probably built that horse.”
Servo: “Yeah, out of mud and sticks.”
And there’s a very clear shot of some tire-tracks.
And we cut off into the credits, which are more shots from that completely different movie from the opening credits.
(on the hair styles)
Crow: “No, no, the Mohawk goes the other way; you look like a turkey!”
Final host segment: The errors in the film (Joel pulls a great face and Servo does a great little growl). Servo calls this the worst film they’ve ever shown them. The Mads: “What do you want from us? We’re evil! Evil!”
Stinger: “Thong? The fish is ready.” Yeah, that’s an odd moment, but in the film this good, I’d have gone for Ator’s ‘No!’ or something.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. First Spaceship to Venus
7. Rocketship XM
8. Moon Zero Two
9. Godzilla vs. Megalon
10. The Crawling Hand
11. Catalina Caper
12. King Dinosaur
13. Jungle Goddess
14. Wild Rebels
15. The Corpse Vanishes
16. Ring of Terror
17. Untamed Youth
18. The Slime People
19. Project Moonbase
20. The Sidehackers
21. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
22. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
23. Cave Dwellers
24. Hellcats
25. Rocket Attack USA
26. Robot Holocaust
27. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Really bad, but goofy movie with some excellent riffing and amusing host segments makes for a very strong episode to open a new era with.
Final Rating: 9/10.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Nightmares and Evil
A Nightmare on Elm Street is a film many people would approach with a deal of trepidation, if not outright hostility. This is certainly understandable, given both the era from which it hails and the seemingly endless string of increasingly dumb and trashy sequels it spawned. However, those who do venture to watch it may find a surprisingly intelligent and even principled horror film.
This is not to say it doesn’t contain the elements one would expect; blood, gore, profanity, and partial nudity are all present, though in the latter two cases not as much as one might expect. Despite this, though, the film is far from just being another trashy Slasher flick.
A note: I am basing my observations of the film on the original, director-intended ending and ignoring the ‘shock’ ending of the film as it stands. I do this in view of both the director’s intention and the clear thematic course of the film as a whole.
The story is probably familiar to most people; child murderer Freddy Krueger is burned to death by the parents of his victims only to return years later to stalk the dreams of the remaining children. The movie is very well structured, entertaining, cleverly written, and chillingly effective. It is the film’s interpretation of evil, however, that makes it really interesting. Unlike the later films in the series, there is no glorification of evil here; Krueger is utterly loathsome and not the least bit amusing while his victims (including a shockingly young Johnny Depp in his first role) are all likable and sympathetic, especially the heroine, Nancy.
Evil here is portrayed as a seemingly unstoppable force; no matter what the characters try to counter it, everything fails. They can’t escape Krueger either by running or staying awake forever, he’s too powerful for them to fight, and no one can protect them from him. Even after they get him out of the dream world and attack him when he’s vulnerable, he still won’t stay down. Religious protection; a prayer, a crucifix, seem ineffective (emphasis on seem…).
But the film ends with a rousing assurance of the ultimate impotence of evil. In the end it’s revealed that not only is Freddy not as powerful as he seems, but that he is, in fact, utterly powerless. He only has the power his victims give him by believing him to be real and dangerous. Once that power is gone, not only is Freddy destroyed, but all his evil is erased; he never existed any more than any other dream.
And that is the nature of evil, particularly the evil inside each of us; our sins and temptations. At times they may seem like an unstoppable, overwhelming force, but they are, in fact, nothing. They only have the power we allow them to have and cannot exist for a moment without that power. In the end the best way to overcome our sins is not to run from them, for they will chase us wherever we go, nor to try to fight them head on, for they will very likely win and even if they don’t they will always come back. Rather, it is simply to turn our back on them and deprive them of their power. In the end the best thing we can do when confronted by evil often is to tell it the same thing Nancy tells Freddy; “You’re Nothing.” (adding “You’re Shit” is optional)
This is not to say it doesn’t contain the elements one would expect; blood, gore, profanity, and partial nudity are all present, though in the latter two cases not as much as one might expect. Despite this, though, the film is far from just being another trashy Slasher flick.
A note: I am basing my observations of the film on the original, director-intended ending and ignoring the ‘shock’ ending of the film as it stands. I do this in view of both the director’s intention and the clear thematic course of the film as a whole.
The story is probably familiar to most people; child murderer Freddy Krueger is burned to death by the parents of his victims only to return years later to stalk the dreams of the remaining children. The movie is very well structured, entertaining, cleverly written, and chillingly effective. It is the film’s interpretation of evil, however, that makes it really interesting. Unlike the later films in the series, there is no glorification of evil here; Krueger is utterly loathsome and not the least bit amusing while his victims (including a shockingly young Johnny Depp in his first role) are all likable and sympathetic, especially the heroine, Nancy.
Evil here is portrayed as a seemingly unstoppable force; no matter what the characters try to counter it, everything fails. They can’t escape Krueger either by running or staying awake forever, he’s too powerful for them to fight, and no one can protect them from him. Even after they get him out of the dream world and attack him when he’s vulnerable, he still won’t stay down. Religious protection; a prayer, a crucifix, seem ineffective (emphasis on seem…).
But the film ends with a rousing assurance of the ultimate impotence of evil. In the end it’s revealed that not only is Freddy not as powerful as he seems, but that he is, in fact, utterly powerless. He only has the power his victims give him by believing him to be real and dangerous. Once that power is gone, not only is Freddy destroyed, but all his evil is erased; he never existed any more than any other dream.
And that is the nature of evil, particularly the evil inside each of us; our sins and temptations. At times they may seem like an unstoppable, overwhelming force, but they are, in fact, nothing. They only have the power we allow them to have and cannot exist for a moment without that power. In the end the best way to overcome our sins is not to run from them, for they will chase us wherever we go, nor to try to fight them head on, for they will very likely win and even if they don’t they will always come back. Rather, it is simply to turn our back on them and deprive them of their power. In the end the best thing we can do when confronted by evil often is to tell it the same thing Nancy tells Freddy; “You’re Nothing.” (adding “You’re Shit” is optional)
Friday, November 27, 2009
Mst3k – 212: Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
Sorry for the long delay; a combination of trying to find the episode, being really busy, and general laziness is to blame.
Another Godzilla movie! Unfortunately, we immediately hit a few problems with this episode. In the first place, this is actually a pretty good movie; considering the number of truly awful Godzilla movies there are it’s rather puzzling that this is one of the two they decided to do…surely Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster would have been far more appropriate? At any rate, “vs. Sea Monster” is a fresh, frequently clever film that shows what the series looked like before it became wedded to formula. Rather than having a monster show up, wreck havoc, and then be defeated by Godzilla, this film sets up a series of problems for its heroes and forces them to figure out how to solve them. For instance, they are trapped on an island run by a terrorist group called the ‘Red Bamboo,’ which is making nuclear weapons and guarded by a sea monster. Then discovering that the island happens to have Godzilla sleeping in a cave, they take the logical step and rig up an impromptu lightning rod and wake him up. Godzilla then does what he does best, fights the sea monster, smashes the base, and creates general havoc. The story is fast-paced and filled with clever invention as the characters improvise ways to fight the Red Bamboo (my favorite is the foresight they had in solidifying the famous ‘walking-bush’ trick by simply carrying a bird with them), and it’s a good example of taking a world of established rules and playing with it.
The episode, particularly coming after last week’s brilliant ‘Vs. Megalon,’ is a bit of a disappointment. The riffing is still funny, though not up to ‘Megalon’s’ level, and it has some great host segments, but it’s marred by a rare example of ‘cheating.’ It’s generally a rule that the Brains can’t mock a film for something that results from their own treatment of it. In this case, they have a running gag of wondering what the name of the movie is, since Joel and the Bots inexplicably don’t come in until about a minute into the movie and miss the opening titles. This is not only not fair to the film, but it’s a joke the audience doesn’t share, since we know what the name of the movie is, and we know that the Brains know as well and are just pretending not to. It’s a rare ‘what the heck were they thinking?’ moment that doesn’t kill the episode, but definitely brings it down.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel reads from “The Velvateen Rabbit.” Sort of. The ‘bots are enraptured. (by the way, Servo has a kind of fez top to his head which he’ll keep for a few episodes).
Invention Exchange: Joel has the mind-control guitar. The Mads have squeeze-toy guitars for dogs who love rock-and-roll. They play their new song; ‘Plastic Man.’ It’s pretty amusing.
Okay, honestly, they cheat here, and pointlessly too. Joel and the bots don’t enter until after the credits, leading to a running gag of wondering what the movie’s name is. This results in about a minute of us watching the movie without them and us not being able to share in the joke, since we, of course, know what the movie’s title is.
Anyway, we open with a storm and a ship being attacked by a giant lobsters.
Joel: “Oh, he’s making them into an oriental salad! The horror!”
Cut to two months later, as the narrator helpfully informs us.
Old woman consults a mystic, who tells her her son is not dead.
(as doubtful guy)
Crow: “He’s dead, live with it, okay?”
Cut to a dance contest…
(blank faced-guy watches contest)
Servo: “I’m digging their scene.”
(on the numbered contestants)
Crow: “Keep moving, forty-one.”
Guy and his friends go look for a boat so he can search for his lost brother.
They trespass on a boat to check it out.
Guy 1: “I wonder what the owner looks like?”
Thief: “I’ll show you what he looks like!”
Servo: “He looks like me, only taller. I’ll go get him.”
Guy 2: “This one here, he’s crazy. Boats are the only thing he thinks about.”
Crow: “Shoot him, now.”
Thief-guy lets them stay on the boat.
(shot of sunrise)
Crow: “Let’s visit God now.
Servo: “Hi, this is God. This film is moving slowly my children.”
And the one guy has taken the boat out to look for his brother.
Thief: “What’s the idea?”
Servo: “Well, the wind catches the sail and…”
We get news about the stolen boat and an earlier robbery (it was done by thief guy of course).
(cut to dinner scene)
Crow: “Mmm, Steve is really delicious!”
Thief (on the skeleton key he’s making): “You’ve got your hobbies and this is one of mine.”
Servo: “You like knitting afghans.”
Thief (laughing): “Do I look like a robber?”
(Servo gives a French ‘oh hohoho!’)
And a storm blows up. (incidentally, this is the same footage from the beginning; spliced in by the American distrubuters).
Joel: “Well, welcome to the “Wrath of God” weekend present by KT.”
The briefcase of money and a game-board fall over and spill into each other.
Joel: “Hey, you got your backgammon in my money!”
Crow: “Well you’ve got your money in my backgammon.”
Joel: “Try to look for an uncharted desert isle!”
(and in the morning they wash up on an island)
Crow: “For once this was a boating accident.”
Joel: “We’re so lucky we washed up on what could be a hostile land with no food, we’re saved!”
The bots panic at the prospect of rock climbing, but it’s a very quick scene.
(at the top)
Servo: “Look, Cesar Romero and Hugh Beaumont?”
And they find a machete and some fruit.
Guy: “I feel like a monkey.”
Crow: “Me too, where can we find one?”
Crow (as they walk through the jungle to music): “We gotta find that rhythm combo.”
And they spot a ship coming and then find a whole harbor and facility guarded by armed men.
(two guards pass each other)
Servo: “Morning Steve,”
Crow: “Morning Phil.”
(eye-patched guy comes in smiling)
Crow: “Smiles everyone, smiles!”
And the ship drops off some slaves.
Servo (upon seeing Kumi Mizuno): “H, E, double-L, O!”
(pretty much standard reaction)
Few slaves try to escape...grab a convenient canoe.
(guards fire wildly while close together)
Crow (as eye-patch guy): “Ah! Not me you idiots!”
Servo: “Good shooting, you killed eight of our own men.”
And would-be escapees get eaten by giant lobster, Ebirah.
Crow (seeing guys impaled on Ebirah’s claw): “Ka-Bob, and Ka-Steve!”
Joel: “I just saw half-a-crab kill a guy.”
Big bad (to eye-patch): “You must be losing your sight!”
Servo: “I don’t think that’s funny sir, but go on.”
Joel: “Salute higher, idiot!”
Girl meets guys, runs off.
Crow: “Wait! I’m a good-guy with a steady future! I want you to see my etchings!”
They join forces.
First Host Segment: Godzilla Genealogy Bop. It’s amusing, even if they insist Godzilla is green, which he is not (he’s dark grey).
Cut to the slaves working and praying to Mothra.
(eye-patch gets their attention by shooting)
Crow: “Oh, couldn’t he just knock?”
Guy: “Don’t make fun of her.”
Crow: “Yeah, that’s our job!”
Cut to Infant Island, where the natives are worshiping Mothra.
Servo: “Rocketing its way to number one, it’s ‘Mothra, you are our god,’ it’s got a great beat and you can worship to it.”
Thief: “I don’t think you’ve ever had the police after you.”
Servo: “Okay, you’ve got bragging rights.”
And they find that Godzilla is sleeping in the cave with them.
That’s the third time Crow did that ‘Planet where apes evolved from men’ bit.
The guys try to sneak into the base using the bush trick to investigate and try to help free the slaves.
(they release a dove as distraction)
Servo: “Oh, a symbol of peace. Kill it!”
Servo: “He’s got a hedge trimmer! Scatter everybody!”
Get in, sneak around…
Crow: “Why are they breaking in?”
Servo: “Life hurts them, so they hurt back.”
Big bad berates scientists.
Scientist: “It’s easy for them to issue orders.”
Crow: “They have everything, I have nothing!”
A lot of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ jokes for some reason…
Guy: “It’s a heavy water factory.”
Guy 2: “What can they do with that?”
Crow: “They could take a heavy bath.”
(suddenly crawl around corner to find a boot).
Servo: “Oh, my God! It’s a boot! And there’s a leg attached to it!”
Eye-Patch: “You weren’t killed I see.”
Servo: “That was my fault.”
Crow: “Pass the bush up, quick!”
They make their escape using some gas canisters.
Joel: “Meanwhile in Lego-Land, kids learn at their own rate, the slow way.”
Brother-guy gets caught on a weather-balloon and floats off towards Infant Island. Another guy just gets captured.
Captured guy makes contact with slaves, who are making a liquid the bad guys use to protect themselves against Ebirah…another scene of worshiping Mothra.
Crow (as Mothra): “That’s pretty good, but do it again, and this time with feeling. And Kasy, I’ll see you later.”
Brother guy lands on Infant Island, meets his brother.
Guards search for them, randomly shooting around.
Crow: “Well, I guess it’s frogs legs and cricket soup for dinner tonight.”
Guys get idea to wake Godzilla up to distract/destroy bad guys.
They improvise a lightning rod to wake Godzilla up.
(pan down the wire)
Crow: “This is the only thread I’ve been able to follow this whole film.”
Captured guy gets the idea to make a phony batch of liquid.
Second Host Segment: Joel’s miniature city. The bots are concerned for his sanity and destroy it. It’s pretty funny. (“I’m Servotron, destroyer of worlds!”)
Brothers canoe from Infant Island back to evil isle.
(on storm clouds)
Crow (deep voice): “I’m not pleased!”
Servo (on the soldiers): “Okay, look for the silver lining, men!”
Crow (same): “I’m still not pleased!”
Crow (same): “Now I’m really ticked!”
Huh, actually I don’t think this scene looks fakey at all.
(as Godzilla starts waking up)
Servo: “Make sure he doesn’t hit the snooze button!”
(Godzilla’s eye opens)
Joel: “This had better be good.”
Brothers are threatened by Ebirah…
Godzilla bursts out of cave…
Crow: “Good morning Godzilla. Your mission, should choose to accept it, save those two Japanese guys.”
Joel (Godzilla sees Ebirah): “You woke me up for THAT?”
Servo (as Ebirah): “Oh, I’ll give you such a pinch!”
Really funny scene where Godzilla and Eibrah batter a boulder back and forth like their playing catch.
Crow: “Run before they make us play outfield!”
And they volley it back and forth a bit…goes too far and hits the base.
Ebirah splashes Godzilla.
Joel: “Oh, now that was low!”
Servo: “Look at Godzilla go! I guess there’s no sea-food lover in him!”
Pretty cool scene where Godzilla gets dragged underwater and they fight.
Crow (as Llloyd Bridges): “I grabbed a rock; and by this time my lungs were aching for air.”
(bushes start shaking)
Crow: “Hey that bush trick doesn’t work around here pal, we invented it!”
(brothers are caught in snares)
Crow: “Oh, how hideous; hung by their feet till their dead!”
Eye-Patch (whipping slaves): “You can work faster! And you there!”
Crow: “…Nice job.”
(soldiers fire wildly)
Servo: “Ow, ow, you shot my other eye you idiots!”
(soldiers chasing girl get scared off by Godzilla)
Joel: “Don’t even mess with my chick!”
Joel (as Godzilla): “Hey were are you going? You owe me babe!”
Girl: “Help me!”
Crow: “Dibs! I got dibs, I said it first!”
Guys arrive and see Godzilla.
Servo: “Woah! Baby you are on your own!”
Joel: “Be careful, we look like corn-cobs to him!”
Giant bird suddenly appears and attacks Godzilla.
Crow: “Hey, what do you think I am, Tippi Hedron? Get out of here!”
And Godzilla blasts it.
Joel: “Oh, now he’s a wonder-roast chicken.”
(bird crashes into the ocean)
Joel: “Thank you for flying Northwest.”
And now jets attack him.
(he smashes a plane)
Servo: “Oh, there goes Tom Cruise.”
(alarm sounds)
All: “It’s not going well. It’s not going well. It’s not going well.”
(Big Bad and Eye-patch look out window)
Crow: “Do you see half of what I see?”
Eye-Patch: “Turn the atomic power on! Destroy him!”
Joel: “Uh, whatever you say, sir, but we’re right at ground-zero…”
Guy: “Where’s my brother?”
Crow: “Oh, will you shut up about your brother!?”
(Godzilla throws a rock at the base)
Servo: “Oh no, he’s learned to use tools! Careful people he’s evolving!”
Cave starts collapsing on slaves under Godzilla’s weight.
Eye-Patch: “Put it on nuclear, it will destroy the base!”
Crow: “Oh, great, what was it on before, defrost?”
Crow: “Ah, here comes the death with dignity committee.”
Scientist: “Stay were you are!”
Servo: “Or I’m going to fill a prescription!”
Third host segment: Crow and Servo play as the Shobijin, then Mothra shows up. It’s pretty funny, even though they voice her as a guy.
Guy: “They’re escaping!”
(Godzilla roars off camera)
Crow: “And they sound funny too.”
And Ebirah smashes the boat with the bad guys on it.
Godzilla and Ebirah fight again, with some amusing trash talking from Crow and Servo.
Joel: “Whenever their underwater it sounds like a James Bond movie.”
So, there’s only ten minutes before the island self-destructs.
And Mothra wakes up.
Crow: “I just talked to Ziegfeld; we open in New Haven in two weeks!”
(as Mothra flies off)
Joel: “Oh I am a jumbo Bumblebee!”
And Godzilla rips Ebirah’s claws off.
Servo (as Ebirah): “Oh, leave me one!”
(he doesn’t)
(Mothra hovers straight down)
Servo: “He’s a harrier-moth”
Shobijin (from on top of Mothra): “She’ll take you; you must get into the net!”
Servo/Crow: “How did we get up here anyway?”
Joel (as Godzilla): “Oh, I’m getting beaten up by a bug, how humiliating!”
And the humans call to Godzilla to get off the island.
Joel: “Let’s see, there’s some beeping and everybody left, I wonder what…oh no!”
And there’s the shot they used for their stinger last week in its proper place.
(as the island blows up)
Servo: “Irwin Allen slept here.”
Really good animated distance shot of Mothra, and we’re done.
Closing: Lines never really said in movies, like “Play it again Sam.” The results of the ‘Cool Thing Contest’ from ‘Lost Continent.’ Some nice pictures. The Mads consider changing their business plan. It’s pretty amusing.
Stinger: Worshiping Mothra. Meh, I would have gone with the giant bird attack.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. First Spaceship to Venus
7. Rocketship XM
8. Moon Zero Two
9. Godzilla vs. Megalon
10. The Crawling Hand
11. Catalina Caper
12. King Dinosaur
13. Jungle Goddess
14. Wild Rebels
15. The Corpse Vanishes
16. Ring of Terror
17. Untamed Youth
18. The Slime People
19. Project Moonbase
20. The Sidehackers
21. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
22. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
23. Hellcats
24. Rocket Attack USA
25. Robot Holocaust
26. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Good movie, with pretty funny riffing and decent host segments, but marred by cheating.
Final Rating: 7/10.
Another Godzilla movie! Unfortunately, we immediately hit a few problems with this episode. In the first place, this is actually a pretty good movie; considering the number of truly awful Godzilla movies there are it’s rather puzzling that this is one of the two they decided to do…surely Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster would have been far more appropriate? At any rate, “vs. Sea Monster” is a fresh, frequently clever film that shows what the series looked like before it became wedded to formula. Rather than having a monster show up, wreck havoc, and then be defeated by Godzilla, this film sets up a series of problems for its heroes and forces them to figure out how to solve them. For instance, they are trapped on an island run by a terrorist group called the ‘Red Bamboo,’ which is making nuclear weapons and guarded by a sea monster. Then discovering that the island happens to have Godzilla sleeping in a cave, they take the logical step and rig up an impromptu lightning rod and wake him up. Godzilla then does what he does best, fights the sea monster, smashes the base, and creates general havoc. The story is fast-paced and filled with clever invention as the characters improvise ways to fight the Red Bamboo (my favorite is the foresight they had in solidifying the famous ‘walking-bush’ trick by simply carrying a bird with them), and it’s a good example of taking a world of established rules and playing with it.
The episode, particularly coming after last week’s brilliant ‘Vs. Megalon,’ is a bit of a disappointment. The riffing is still funny, though not up to ‘Megalon’s’ level, and it has some great host segments, but it’s marred by a rare example of ‘cheating.’ It’s generally a rule that the Brains can’t mock a film for something that results from their own treatment of it. In this case, they have a running gag of wondering what the name of the movie is, since Joel and the Bots inexplicably don’t come in until about a minute into the movie and miss the opening titles. This is not only not fair to the film, but it’s a joke the audience doesn’t share, since we know what the name of the movie is, and we know that the Brains know as well and are just pretending not to. It’s a rare ‘what the heck were they thinking?’ moment that doesn’t kill the episode, but definitely brings it down.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel reads from “The Velvateen Rabbit.” Sort of. The ‘bots are enraptured. (by the way, Servo has a kind of fez top to his head which he’ll keep for a few episodes).
Invention Exchange: Joel has the mind-control guitar. The Mads have squeeze-toy guitars for dogs who love rock-and-roll. They play their new song; ‘Plastic Man.’ It’s pretty amusing.
Okay, honestly, they cheat here, and pointlessly too. Joel and the bots don’t enter until after the credits, leading to a running gag of wondering what the movie’s name is. This results in about a minute of us watching the movie without them and us not being able to share in the joke, since we, of course, know what the movie’s title is.
Anyway, we open with a storm and a ship being attacked by a giant lobsters.
Joel: “Oh, he’s making them into an oriental salad! The horror!”
Cut to two months later, as the narrator helpfully informs us.
Old woman consults a mystic, who tells her her son is not dead.
(as doubtful guy)
Crow: “He’s dead, live with it, okay?”
Cut to a dance contest…
(blank faced-guy watches contest)
Servo: “I’m digging their scene.”
(on the numbered contestants)
Crow: “Keep moving, forty-one.”
Guy and his friends go look for a boat so he can search for his lost brother.
They trespass on a boat to check it out.
Guy 1: “I wonder what the owner looks like?”
Thief: “I’ll show you what he looks like!”
Servo: “He looks like me, only taller. I’ll go get him.”
Guy 2: “This one here, he’s crazy. Boats are the only thing he thinks about.”
Crow: “Shoot him, now.”
Thief-guy lets them stay on the boat.
(shot of sunrise)
Crow: “Let’s visit God now.
Servo: “Hi, this is God. This film is moving slowly my children.”
And the one guy has taken the boat out to look for his brother.
Thief: “What’s the idea?”
Servo: “Well, the wind catches the sail and…”
We get news about the stolen boat and an earlier robbery (it was done by thief guy of course).
(cut to dinner scene)
Crow: “Mmm, Steve is really delicious!”
Thief (on the skeleton key he’s making): “You’ve got your hobbies and this is one of mine.”
Servo: “You like knitting afghans.”
Thief (laughing): “Do I look like a robber?”
(Servo gives a French ‘oh hohoho!’)
And a storm blows up. (incidentally, this is the same footage from the beginning; spliced in by the American distrubuters).
Joel: “Well, welcome to the “Wrath of God” weekend present by KT.”
The briefcase of money and a game-board fall over and spill into each other.
Joel: “Hey, you got your backgammon in my money!”
Crow: “Well you’ve got your money in my backgammon.”
Joel: “Try to look for an uncharted desert isle!”
(and in the morning they wash up on an island)
Crow: “For once this was a boating accident.”
Joel: “We’re so lucky we washed up on what could be a hostile land with no food, we’re saved!”
The bots panic at the prospect of rock climbing, but it’s a very quick scene.
(at the top)
Servo: “Look, Cesar Romero and Hugh Beaumont?”
And they find a machete and some fruit.
Guy: “I feel like a monkey.”
Crow: “Me too, where can we find one?”
Crow (as they walk through the jungle to music): “We gotta find that rhythm combo.”
And they spot a ship coming and then find a whole harbor and facility guarded by armed men.
(two guards pass each other)
Servo: “Morning Steve,”
Crow: “Morning Phil.”
(eye-patched guy comes in smiling)
Crow: “Smiles everyone, smiles!”
And the ship drops off some slaves.
Servo (upon seeing Kumi Mizuno): “H, E, double-L, O!”
(pretty much standard reaction)
Few slaves try to escape...grab a convenient canoe.
(guards fire wildly while close together)
Crow (as eye-patch guy): “Ah! Not me you idiots!”
Servo: “Good shooting, you killed eight of our own men.”
And would-be escapees get eaten by giant lobster, Ebirah.
Crow (seeing guys impaled on Ebirah’s claw): “Ka-Bob, and Ka-Steve!”
Joel: “I just saw half-a-crab kill a guy.”
Big bad (to eye-patch): “You must be losing your sight!”
Servo: “I don’t think that’s funny sir, but go on.”
Joel: “Salute higher, idiot!”
Girl meets guys, runs off.
Crow: “Wait! I’m a good-guy with a steady future! I want you to see my etchings!”
They join forces.
First Host Segment: Godzilla Genealogy Bop. It’s amusing, even if they insist Godzilla is green, which he is not (he’s dark grey).
Cut to the slaves working and praying to Mothra.
(eye-patch gets their attention by shooting)
Crow: “Oh, couldn’t he just knock?”
Guy: “Don’t make fun of her.”
Crow: “Yeah, that’s our job!”
Cut to Infant Island, where the natives are worshiping Mothra.
Servo: “Rocketing its way to number one, it’s ‘Mothra, you are our god,’ it’s got a great beat and you can worship to it.”
Thief: “I don’t think you’ve ever had the police after you.”
Servo: “Okay, you’ve got bragging rights.”
And they find that Godzilla is sleeping in the cave with them.
That’s the third time Crow did that ‘Planet where apes evolved from men’ bit.
The guys try to sneak into the base using the bush trick to investigate and try to help free the slaves.
(they release a dove as distraction)
Servo: “Oh, a symbol of peace. Kill it!”
Servo: “He’s got a hedge trimmer! Scatter everybody!”
Get in, sneak around…
Crow: “Why are they breaking in?”
Servo: “Life hurts them, so they hurt back.”
Big bad berates scientists.
Scientist: “It’s easy for them to issue orders.”
Crow: “They have everything, I have nothing!”
A lot of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ jokes for some reason…
Guy: “It’s a heavy water factory.”
Guy 2: “What can they do with that?”
Crow: “They could take a heavy bath.”
(suddenly crawl around corner to find a boot).
Servo: “Oh, my God! It’s a boot! And there’s a leg attached to it!”
Eye-Patch: “You weren’t killed I see.”
Servo: “That was my fault.”
Crow: “Pass the bush up, quick!”
They make their escape using some gas canisters.
Joel: “Meanwhile in Lego-Land, kids learn at their own rate, the slow way.”
Brother-guy gets caught on a weather-balloon and floats off towards Infant Island. Another guy just gets captured.
Captured guy makes contact with slaves, who are making a liquid the bad guys use to protect themselves against Ebirah…another scene of worshiping Mothra.
Crow (as Mothra): “That’s pretty good, but do it again, and this time with feeling. And Kasy, I’ll see you later.”
Brother guy lands on Infant Island, meets his brother.
Guards search for them, randomly shooting around.
Crow: “Well, I guess it’s frogs legs and cricket soup for dinner tonight.”
Guys get idea to wake Godzilla up to distract/destroy bad guys.
They improvise a lightning rod to wake Godzilla up.
(pan down the wire)
Crow: “This is the only thread I’ve been able to follow this whole film.”
Captured guy gets the idea to make a phony batch of liquid.
Second Host Segment: Joel’s miniature city. The bots are concerned for his sanity and destroy it. It’s pretty funny. (“I’m Servotron, destroyer of worlds!”)
Brothers canoe from Infant Island back to evil isle.
(on storm clouds)
Crow (deep voice): “I’m not pleased!”
Servo (on the soldiers): “Okay, look for the silver lining, men!”
Crow (same): “I’m still not pleased!”
Crow (same): “Now I’m really ticked!”
Huh, actually I don’t think this scene looks fakey at all.
(as Godzilla starts waking up)
Servo: “Make sure he doesn’t hit the snooze button!”
(Godzilla’s eye opens)
Joel: “This had better be good.”
Brothers are threatened by Ebirah…
Godzilla bursts out of cave…
Crow: “Good morning Godzilla. Your mission, should choose to accept it, save those two Japanese guys.”
Joel (Godzilla sees Ebirah): “You woke me up for THAT?”
Servo (as Ebirah): “Oh, I’ll give you such a pinch!”
Really funny scene where Godzilla and Eibrah batter a boulder back and forth like their playing catch.
Crow: “Run before they make us play outfield!”
And they volley it back and forth a bit…goes too far and hits the base.
Ebirah splashes Godzilla.
Joel: “Oh, now that was low!”
Servo: “Look at Godzilla go! I guess there’s no sea-food lover in him!”
Pretty cool scene where Godzilla gets dragged underwater and they fight.
Crow (as Llloyd Bridges): “I grabbed a rock; and by this time my lungs were aching for air.”
(bushes start shaking)
Crow: “Hey that bush trick doesn’t work around here pal, we invented it!”
(brothers are caught in snares)
Crow: “Oh, how hideous; hung by their feet till their dead!”
Eye-Patch (whipping slaves): “You can work faster! And you there!”
Crow: “…Nice job.”
(soldiers fire wildly)
Servo: “Ow, ow, you shot my other eye you idiots!”
(soldiers chasing girl get scared off by Godzilla)
Joel: “Don’t even mess with my chick!”
Joel (as Godzilla): “Hey were are you going? You owe me babe!”
Girl: “Help me!”
Crow: “Dibs! I got dibs, I said it first!”
Guys arrive and see Godzilla.
Servo: “Woah! Baby you are on your own!”
Joel: “Be careful, we look like corn-cobs to him!”
Giant bird suddenly appears and attacks Godzilla.
Crow: “Hey, what do you think I am, Tippi Hedron? Get out of here!”
And Godzilla blasts it.
Joel: “Oh, now he’s a wonder-roast chicken.”
(bird crashes into the ocean)
Joel: “Thank you for flying Northwest.”
And now jets attack him.
(he smashes a plane)
Servo: “Oh, there goes Tom Cruise.”
(alarm sounds)
All: “It’s not going well. It’s not going well. It’s not going well.”
(Big Bad and Eye-patch look out window)
Crow: “Do you see half of what I see?”
Eye-Patch: “Turn the atomic power on! Destroy him!”
Joel: “Uh, whatever you say, sir, but we’re right at ground-zero…”
Guy: “Where’s my brother?”
Crow: “Oh, will you shut up about your brother!?”
(Godzilla throws a rock at the base)
Servo: “Oh no, he’s learned to use tools! Careful people he’s evolving!”
Cave starts collapsing on slaves under Godzilla’s weight.
Eye-Patch: “Put it on nuclear, it will destroy the base!”
Crow: “Oh, great, what was it on before, defrost?”
Crow: “Ah, here comes the death with dignity committee.”
Scientist: “Stay were you are!”
Servo: “Or I’m going to fill a prescription!”
Third host segment: Crow and Servo play as the Shobijin, then Mothra shows up. It’s pretty funny, even though they voice her as a guy.
Guy: “They’re escaping!”
(Godzilla roars off camera)
Crow: “And they sound funny too.”
And Ebirah smashes the boat with the bad guys on it.
Godzilla and Ebirah fight again, with some amusing trash talking from Crow and Servo.
Joel: “Whenever their underwater it sounds like a James Bond movie.”
So, there’s only ten minutes before the island self-destructs.
And Mothra wakes up.
Crow: “I just talked to Ziegfeld; we open in New Haven in two weeks!”
(as Mothra flies off)
Joel: “Oh I am a jumbo Bumblebee!”
And Godzilla rips Ebirah’s claws off.
Servo (as Ebirah): “Oh, leave me one!”
(he doesn’t)
(Mothra hovers straight down)
Servo: “He’s a harrier-moth”
Shobijin (from on top of Mothra): “She’ll take you; you must get into the net!”
Servo/Crow: “How did we get up here anyway?”
Joel (as Godzilla): “Oh, I’m getting beaten up by a bug, how humiliating!”
And the humans call to Godzilla to get off the island.
Joel: “Let’s see, there’s some beeping and everybody left, I wonder what…oh no!”
And there’s the shot they used for their stinger last week in its proper place.
(as the island blows up)
Servo: “Irwin Allen slept here.”
Really good animated distance shot of Mothra, and we’re done.
Closing: Lines never really said in movies, like “Play it again Sam.” The results of the ‘Cool Thing Contest’ from ‘Lost Continent.’ Some nice pictures. The Mads consider changing their business plan. It’s pretty amusing.
Stinger: Worshiping Mothra. Meh, I would have gone with the giant bird attack.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. First Spaceship to Venus
7. Rocketship XM
8. Moon Zero Two
9. Godzilla vs. Megalon
10. The Crawling Hand
11. Catalina Caper
12. King Dinosaur
13. Jungle Goddess
14. Wild Rebels
15. The Corpse Vanishes
16. Ring of Terror
17. Untamed Youth
18. The Slime People
19. Project Moonbase
20. The Sidehackers
21. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
22. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
23. Hellcats
24. Rocket Attack USA
25. Robot Holocaust
26. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Good movie, with pretty funny riffing and decent host segments, but marred by cheating.
Final Rating: 7/10.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Dr. Strangelove or Why We Should Stop Worrying and Let God Handle Things
Another school paper article.
Once for an Honors final I was asked if I thought the American Governmental system was doomed to go the same way as the Roman one. I said that, while the American system is fundamentally stronger, ‘humans always find a way to screw things up.’
That, in a nutshell, is the thesis of Stanley Kubrick’s classic satire, Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. One of the greatest of comedies, it has for its subject matter the distinctly unfunny subject of nuclear holocaust. The film tells of an insane air-force commander who manages to launch an all-out attack on the Soviet Union and the scrambling of the U.S. Government to stop him. The funny part is that the skill and professionalism of the pilots and the safeguards against a nuclear disaster are the exact things that make it so difficult to recall the bombers heading to Russia…where a new Russian ‘Doomsday Machine’ is all set to go off and end life on Earth if they drop their bombs.
The thing that sets this film apart from almost every other military/political satire ever made is that it is largely populated with intelligent, professional individuals…and it is because they are so intelligent and professional that they are in the mess they’re in. For example, when the President finds out they have no hope of figuring out the recall code to abort the mission he takes the logical step of helping the Soviets shoot the planes down. This works fine…except one of the planes is only damaged. The leaves it without a radio and forces it to divert from the expected targets where the Soviets have concentrated their defenses. Thus ensuring it will drop its payload.
This whole ridiculous situation calls to mind a passage in ‘The Screwtape Letters’ where Screwtape laughs at men’s tendency to try to plan for every contingency and panic when these fail. It’s the same situation; the world has set up all these elaborate safeguards to prevent ‘the worst coming to the worst,’ but, of course, it’s impossible to foresee every contingency, and it just takes a “small slip-up” to allow the worst to come to the worst.
How many times do we try to control our lives like this? We try to foresee and prepare for every possible contingency, trusting our own cleverness to see us through. The only trouble is, no matter how clever we are, we can’t foresee everything…or even most things. All it takes is someone responding in an unexpected way, or not paying attention, or going insane over the fluoride in his water to render all our elaborate planning moot. Then, most of the time, we try to recover by making even more elaborate plans, which tend to create an entirely new problem.
But that is not the end of the story. Dr. Strangelove ends with mankind’s elaborate safety measures resulting in the apocalypse, but even then the film seems confident that man will weasel his way out of this mess and into another one. Despite ending in a nuclear holocaust the film is not gloomy about our future and neither should we be. Generally things are not the end of the world, and even if they are, we usually can muddle through. We simply need to take things as they come and trust in God…and the purity of our bodily fluids.
Once for an Honors final I was asked if I thought the American Governmental system was doomed to go the same way as the Roman one. I said that, while the American system is fundamentally stronger, ‘humans always find a way to screw things up.’
That, in a nutshell, is the thesis of Stanley Kubrick’s classic satire, Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. One of the greatest of comedies, it has for its subject matter the distinctly unfunny subject of nuclear holocaust. The film tells of an insane air-force commander who manages to launch an all-out attack on the Soviet Union and the scrambling of the U.S. Government to stop him. The funny part is that the skill and professionalism of the pilots and the safeguards against a nuclear disaster are the exact things that make it so difficult to recall the bombers heading to Russia…where a new Russian ‘Doomsday Machine’ is all set to go off and end life on Earth if they drop their bombs.
The thing that sets this film apart from almost every other military/political satire ever made is that it is largely populated with intelligent, professional individuals…and it is because they are so intelligent and professional that they are in the mess they’re in. For example, when the President finds out they have no hope of figuring out the recall code to abort the mission he takes the logical step of helping the Soviets shoot the planes down. This works fine…except one of the planes is only damaged. The leaves it without a radio and forces it to divert from the expected targets where the Soviets have concentrated their defenses. Thus ensuring it will drop its payload.
This whole ridiculous situation calls to mind a passage in ‘The Screwtape Letters’ where Screwtape laughs at men’s tendency to try to plan for every contingency and panic when these fail. It’s the same situation; the world has set up all these elaborate safeguards to prevent ‘the worst coming to the worst,’ but, of course, it’s impossible to foresee every contingency, and it just takes a “small slip-up” to allow the worst to come to the worst.
How many times do we try to control our lives like this? We try to foresee and prepare for every possible contingency, trusting our own cleverness to see us through. The only trouble is, no matter how clever we are, we can’t foresee everything…or even most things. All it takes is someone responding in an unexpected way, or not paying attention, or going insane over the fluoride in his water to render all our elaborate planning moot. Then, most of the time, we try to recover by making even more elaborate plans, which tend to create an entirely new problem.
But that is not the end of the story. Dr. Strangelove ends with mankind’s elaborate safety measures resulting in the apocalypse, but even then the film seems confident that man will weasel his way out of this mess and into another one. Despite ending in a nuclear holocaust the film is not gloomy about our future and neither should we be. Generally things are not the end of the world, and even if they are, we usually can muddle through. We simply need to take things as they come and trust in God…and the purity of our bodily fluids.
Lessons of Ghandi
Another one of my School Paper articles.
Occasionally one finds the rare film which cannot be discussed without considering the real-life ideas and events behind it. In such cases the ideas of the film are the ideas of the philosophy or the man behind it. One such film is ‘Gandhi,’ directed by Richard Attenborough and starring Ben Kingsley in the title role of the small Indian attorney who conquered the British Empire without firing a shot.
The film itself is truly excellent. In the midst of all its epic scenes and moral philosophizing, it never fails to emphasize the humanity of its subjects. A sweet scene has Gandhi and his wife reenacting their marriage vows, their words and actions full of simple love and something almost like shyness. A humorous earlier scene has a priest friend of Gandhi’s nervously climbing up to the top of a moving railcar to join the travelers riding up there…and having to be reminded to duck as the train enters a tunnel.
However, I found watching it that I was more excited by the figure of Gandhi than anything in the film itself. That is not to say the film failed to hold my interest; far from it. Rather, it is meant to show how fascinating the film’s subject truly is. Before this I had only the vaguest knowledge of Gandhi; I knew he was an attorney who broke British colonial rule in India through passive resistance and was then assassinated, but little more. In the film, I found out both how little I knew, and where I was mistaken. As Gandhi himself points out in the film, there is nothing ‘passive’ about the resistance he proposes; it is simply aggressive on a different line. “Our goal is to provoke them,” he says, “if they don’t react, we will go on provoking them until they do.”
The principle is laid out very clearly at several points in the film; if a subject simply refuses to obey his ruler, the ruler has only two options: to lessen his rule over the subject or to become a monster. But even if he chooses the latter option the subject has still won, since people cannot be monsters for long. Sooner or later either their own conscience or the conscience of others will step in and stop them. This is demonstrated in several striking scenes, the first being during Gandhi’s (rather pathetic) first rally, when South-African Indians burn their ‘passes’ (which non-whites were required to carry at all times). A brutal police sergeant starts beating Gandhi as he tries to burn them, but he continues to try even after he’s been beaten to the ground, finally causing the policeman to almost tearfully ask him to stop (and it’s later noted that Gandhi could have pressed charges against him).
Even worse is the Amritsar Massacre, a historical incident where British troops under General Dyer opened fire on an unarmed crowd, including women and children. The film immediately cuts from that brutal scene to Dyer being court marshaled and cuttingly rebuked by his superiors, who are ostensibly on the side of the British. Later comes a wrenching sequence in which wave after wave of quiet, unarmed protesters walk straight into the waiting clubs of policemen. They do not fight or resist, they simply try to get past and are brutally and repeatedly cut down, but keep going for what are later told was hours. After the incident an American reporter (Martin Sheen) comments that any moral superiority the occupiers had was lost. Not long afterwards, India is free.
The most inspirational aspect about the film is not the obvious fact that a small, humble man did what armies had been unable to do, nor the idea that tyrants and oppression cannot last forever, but something deeper. Gandhi’s principle is based on the basic decency of humanity; that man is not naturally a monster. His victory did more than free India. It did more than just show the power of nonviolence. It proved, before the eyes of the world, the essential goodness of man.
Occasionally one finds the rare film which cannot be discussed without considering the real-life ideas and events behind it. In such cases the ideas of the film are the ideas of the philosophy or the man behind it. One such film is ‘Gandhi,’ directed by Richard Attenborough and starring Ben Kingsley in the title role of the small Indian attorney who conquered the British Empire without firing a shot.
The film itself is truly excellent. In the midst of all its epic scenes and moral philosophizing, it never fails to emphasize the humanity of its subjects. A sweet scene has Gandhi and his wife reenacting their marriage vows, their words and actions full of simple love and something almost like shyness. A humorous earlier scene has a priest friend of Gandhi’s nervously climbing up to the top of a moving railcar to join the travelers riding up there…and having to be reminded to duck as the train enters a tunnel.
However, I found watching it that I was more excited by the figure of Gandhi than anything in the film itself. That is not to say the film failed to hold my interest; far from it. Rather, it is meant to show how fascinating the film’s subject truly is. Before this I had only the vaguest knowledge of Gandhi; I knew he was an attorney who broke British colonial rule in India through passive resistance and was then assassinated, but little more. In the film, I found out both how little I knew, and where I was mistaken. As Gandhi himself points out in the film, there is nothing ‘passive’ about the resistance he proposes; it is simply aggressive on a different line. “Our goal is to provoke them,” he says, “if they don’t react, we will go on provoking them until they do.”
The principle is laid out very clearly at several points in the film; if a subject simply refuses to obey his ruler, the ruler has only two options: to lessen his rule over the subject or to become a monster. But even if he chooses the latter option the subject has still won, since people cannot be monsters for long. Sooner or later either their own conscience or the conscience of others will step in and stop them. This is demonstrated in several striking scenes, the first being during Gandhi’s (rather pathetic) first rally, when South-African Indians burn their ‘passes’ (which non-whites were required to carry at all times). A brutal police sergeant starts beating Gandhi as he tries to burn them, but he continues to try even after he’s been beaten to the ground, finally causing the policeman to almost tearfully ask him to stop (and it’s later noted that Gandhi could have pressed charges against him).
Even worse is the Amritsar Massacre, a historical incident where British troops under General Dyer opened fire on an unarmed crowd, including women and children. The film immediately cuts from that brutal scene to Dyer being court marshaled and cuttingly rebuked by his superiors, who are ostensibly on the side of the British. Later comes a wrenching sequence in which wave after wave of quiet, unarmed protesters walk straight into the waiting clubs of policemen. They do not fight or resist, they simply try to get past and are brutally and repeatedly cut down, but keep going for what are later told was hours. After the incident an American reporter (Martin Sheen) comments that any moral superiority the occupiers had was lost. Not long afterwards, India is free.
The most inspirational aspect about the film is not the obvious fact that a small, humble man did what armies had been unable to do, nor the idea that tyrants and oppression cannot last forever, but something deeper. Gandhi’s principle is based on the basic decency of humanity; that man is not naturally a monster. His victory did more than free India. It did more than just show the power of nonviolence. It proved, before the eyes of the world, the essential goodness of man.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Mst3k 211 – Godzilla vs. Megalon
This is one of my all-time favorite episodes. Naturally it would be; it features a Godzilla movie, and I am a huge Godzilla fan. Not only that, but it features one of the worst of the Godzilla movies; a film which richly deserves its mockery. Of course, being a Godzilla movie it’s still pretty fun to watch even without the Brains. The story goes that nuclear tests in the pacific have caused great destruction in the undersea kingdom of Seatopia (yeah, they rushed this one). In retaliation, the rather humiliatingly dressed Seatopian king unleashes Megalon, a giant beetle with drill bits for hands, to destroy Japan (odd, considering that’s one country that could not possibly have been responsible for the tests, although no one points this out). In addition his agents steal the robot ‘Jet Jaguar’ (possibly the single most hated Godzilla monster ever) from its inventor, his friend, and his brother (who serve as our main heroes) to act as Megalon’s guide. There’s some rigmarole involving car-chases, fights, and a very cool scene where Megalon bursts a dam then the good guys get JJ back under their control and send him to fetch Godzilla. Megalon wanders around for a bit, then suddenly decides he doesn’t need a guide and destroys Tokyo (kind of). JJ then gains free will, which apparently includes the ability to grow a hundred-and-fifty-feet tall, and proceeds to fight Megalon. Then the Seatopians unleash an outsourcing Gigan (conversely one of Godzilla’s coolest foes) and JJ gets thoroughly trounced, only being saved (boo!) when Godzilla shows up. There’s a lengthy fight, with Godzilla handling most of the work, then Gigan and Megalon both flee and JJ returns to his small, servile state…for now.
Like I said, the movie is pretty fun in itself, with lots of monster goofiness to go around. Added to that, though, is perhaps the strongest riffing yet heard on the show. The jokes come fast and hard and are almost universally hilarious. Riffs on the special effects, the lame dubbed-in-script, the odd set design, and the skin-peelingly annoying kid abound.
Added to that are a series of great host segments, beginning with the amusing invention exchanges, building to Crow and Tom’s monsters, ‘Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy,’ and the closing segments with new arms for the bots, a hilarious translation of the ‘Jet Jaguar Fight Song,’ and some remarkably subtle puppeting from Trace Beaulieu.
But the third host segment stands on its own as one of the most brilliantly hilarious two minutes ever recorded on television. In the episode guide they describe it as “Orville Redenbacher and his grandson doing something akin to ‘A Long Day’s Journey into Night.’” I don’t think I really can explain it any better, except that it is perhaps the best host segment of all time; if not, it certainly is in the top five.
The only mar in this near-perfect episode comes at the very end; the Stinger. Here we have some of the goofiest moments of the fifty-plus (okay, it was nearly forty at the time) year old franchise and they pick…stock footage of Godzilla jumping off a cliff. Come on! That had to be some editor’s goof, right?
Despite this one flaw, you’ve got a movie that’s a lot of fun on its own but truly deserves what it gets, some very strong riffing, and some excellent host segments, including an all-time classic not just of MST3k, but of television in general. One of the best episodes of the whole series.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: What to expect on this show (parodying variety-news shows). Pretty funny; especially Crow.
Invention Exchange: Quick Halloween Costumes. This bit comes straight from Joel’s stand-up act. It’s very amusing; especially Servo going as a missing child (“Have you seen me?”). The Mads do the same (Dr. F is the goalie of a foosball team). Very funny.
Narrator: “…The second underground nuclear test took place…”
Joel: “But it wasn’t as good as the first one.”
Narrator: “This is what happened.”
(explosion)
Crow: “It blew up; what’d you expect?”
Some stock footage from ‘Destroy all Monsters’ (including cameos by Rodan and my all-time favorite, Anguirus).
Crow: “Oh, whenever they test nuclear bombs it’s the monsters who suffer.”
Joel: “You know I kinda’ feel this opening segment is a metaphor for our souls.”
Cut to a kid on a water-toy in a mountain lake while two guys watch (no, we never find out much about their relation. Okay, the adults are friends and the kid is the brother of one of them, but other than that, nadda).
Joel (as guys watching the kid): “I can see; keep struggling for your life!”
Servo: “He’s drowning. Neat.”
Earthquake…kid’s in danger.
The guys just happen to have a rocket and some rope…
Kid: “Help me! Hurry up!”
Joel: “Hey, you’re in no position to make demands, kid!”
Joel: “Try not to get sucked into the vortex of Hell, Billy!”
Servo: “I guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn’t it?”
Crow: “Note to myself; never vacation on an active volcano.”
And the lake dries up (no, we never really find out why).
Crow: “This watery manifestation of a vengeful, wrathful god couldn’t’ve come at a worse time.”
(Cut to them in a car with mood-music playing)
Joel: “Well, let’s leave that pain behind; we’re swinging into high.”
Guys sagely discuss the misuse of nuclear tests (mentioning some lost continents)…
That kid sounds like he pissed off St. Blaise in a big way.
(on the blue-tinted ‘night’ shots)
Joel: “Looks like there’s a blue-moon out tonight.”
Crow: “I think it was shot ‘blue-for-night.’”
Guy: “Hey, listen; it’d be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot.”
Joel: “Yeah, it’d be funny if the earthquake killed your family.”
They go into the house…
(lights go on revealing some sort of appliance hanging from the ceiling)
Crow: “Oh, my God! The humidifier committed suicide!”
Oscar Wilde type shows up and attacks, quickly knocks the guys out, and leaves.
And the one guy takes off after bad guys in a lame car chase.
Back home they start cleaning up…
Car chase…
Servo: “Well guys I guess no matter how hard you try there’s just no way to make parallel parking exciting.”
(kid is picking up papers and magazines off the floor)
Crow: “Let’s see, Boy’s Life, Popular Science, Highlights…my own autopsy report!?”
Kid: “I found some funny powder.”
Joel: “Uh, that’s mine; just leave it alone.”
(High angle shot)
Crow: “Hey, God’s watching!”
They investigate the powder…cut to them working on the robot.
(welding shot)
Crow: “Industry! Creating a better world. Our most valuable resource: People!”
And the robot is now complete.
(Guy looking at the kid)
Crow: “Oh, how I loath him!”
(I know the feeling)
(guy on video screen)
Crow: “It’s the all-idiot channel.”
(guys talking in front of robot’s face)
Servo: “Hey, HAL is reading your lips!”
And they name the robot ‘Jet Jaguar.’
Guy: “That’s a great name!”
(cut to bad guys listening in)
Servo (as bad guy): “Jet Jaguar? What a stupid name!”
Bad guys capture kid…
(shot of kid looking sad on screen)
Crow: “I have shamed the family.)
First Host Segment: The bots design monsters to distract Joel from the naughty pictures they’re looking at. It’s a great sketch as Servo and Crow try to one-up each other (and features a great ‘Robert Frost’ pun).
Bad guys return, knock out good guys, occupy house.
Cut down to ‘Seatopia’ (don’t ask)
Anyway, Seatopia attacks the surface world with Megalon since nuclear tests have damaged their country.
Seatopia leader: “They have already destroyed a third of our country!”
Joel: “You just have to take my word for it.”
And a bunch of random explosions and sparks…
Servo: “I would say eye protection should be worn in this area.”
Servo: “He awakes with the worst special effects of the morning.”
(fade to black)
Joel: “So it was all a dream…”
Cut to guy and kid tied up in truck.
Crow: “If…I could…only get to…my utility belt…I invented it you know. Batman stole it from me.”
Other guy is tied up in the house (no, I don’t know why they didn’t either A, shoot them, or B, tie them all up together).
(Jet Jaguar takes off)
Joel: “What a day! I feel GRAND!”
(cut to guy and kid struggling with ropes)
Crow: “Oh, great! You tied us together!”
Truck driver: “The way I see it, it’s none of our business anyway. I mean we’re getting a hundred-thousand yen!”
Joel: “Yeah, great, what is that, like four bucks?”
(as guy tied up at home wakes up next to Oscar Wilde guy)
Crow: “Now I’m going to read you parts of ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray,’ and I want you to be honest with me.”
(kid unties guy in truck)
Servo: “Okay, gotta go; call me if you survive kid.”
Back-story on Seatopia (they lost me at ‘they eventually managed to create their own oxygen supply’)
Good guy escapes and heads out after truck…
Oscar Wilde guy: “My prisoner escaped…he’s also aware of the whole story of our mission here.”
Crow: “I got…sort of…chatty.”
Another car chase…
Crow: “I’m huge!”
Joel: “Action sequences filmed in Confuse-o-vision!”
Servo (after cars go down some steps and a steep incline): “I’ll have to remember that route; cuts fifteen minutes off my drive time!”
Servo: “Well, there’s a lot of congestion on the interstate this morning, you might want to consider taking an alternate route, say down the side of a steep mountain!”
Lame ending to chase…
(cut to random explosions as Megalon emerges)
Servo: “The gods do not approve of this inept car-chase sequence!”
(on Jet Jaguar, who has a disturbing Joker-like grin)
Joel: “Winged freak; wait’ll they get a load of me!”
Stock footage of evacuation, and the military coming in…
Good bit where they comment on the fakey-ness of the military.
(as they prepare to fire missiles)
Crow: “Phallic symbols at the ready sir.”
(on the military hardware)
Servo: “Boy, all this and they still can’t get the Comedy Channel!”
And they randomly decide to drop the box with the guy and kid over a dam.
Kid: “What now?”
Crow: “Scream. Die maybe.”
Crow (as kid): “I wet em’!”
(little later)
Servo: “I wet myself again!”
(later)
Servo: “That’s three times now. It’s starting to sting.”
Pretty funny running gag with Megalon giving Broadway performance speeches.
Second Host Segment: Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy! It’s really indescribable, but very amusing. This looks like it would be a fun show.
The only really impressive scene in this movie; Megalon bursts a dam (and probably most of the budget). It really does look good
(hero struggles with truck as dam starts to overflow)
Joel: “Pop the clutch, engage the ignition, check my blind spot…it’s flooded! Okay, start again…”
And the hero accidentally dumps his friends, Megalon whacks it into the air, they somehow survive.
Joel: “You know, that monster does not know the meaning of the word ‘around.’”
Joel (as Jet Jaguar): “I’m taunting you! Taunt!”
Guy: “Isn’t that Jet Jaguar?”
Servo: “No, it’s another superhero of your own design.”
Kid: “It’s a pity we can’t send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!”
Crow: “Yeah, and it’s a pity we can’t kill you and get away with it!”
Commander: “Open fire!”
Crow: “Kill indiscriminately!”
Joel (as Megalon): “I’d like to thank the good people of Seatopia for giving me these completely useless arms.”
And thanks to the wonder of stock footage, the tanks get blown up at night when they had been attacking during the day.
Anyway, they try to regain control of Jet Jaguar…
And of course it works. They send him to get Godzilla.
Really goofy scene where Megalon goes nuts.
Crow: “Looks like he’s having one of his episodes.”
And Megalon randomly gets attacked by some jets (in close ups, his hands turn into Gigan’s claws).
Crow: “Say, that’s a good view of the fiery hellbeast!”
And he’s back on track now. Whatever.
Kid: “Must have been evacuated.”
Joel: “That sounds painful.”
Kid and guy get model plains to help retake their house (you know, you’d think the military would help with that, seeing as how the house controls the robot that can save or destroy the world).
And Jet Jaguar meets Godzilla.
Servo: “What’s that? Dad’s trapped? In a coal mine? Down in dead-rock canyon? I see.”
Stock footage from ‘Vs. Sea Monster.’
Crow: “I can fly! I can fly! I can’t fly! I can swim…”
Major stock footage of Megalon attacking Tokyo; it’s just close ups of him firing and stock footage of destruction (it’s footage from ‘Ghidorah’ so there are frequently multiple beams blowing up the city). One of the worst destruction scenes in Kaiju Film history.
Joel: “We’ll eliminate all the ‘no pets’ strips in Asia if you’ll just stop!”
(Guy and kid start their mission)
Crow: “Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?”
Servo: “Not this kid.”
Servo: “Gee I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat.”
(cut to other guy driving during fight scene)
Crow: “I’m glad I’m not there.
(again)
Crow: “I’m really glad I’m not there.”
(guy arrives)
Crow: “Oh, shoot! Now I’m here!”
Wait, what was the point of that!? They just beat the guy up and leave!
Seatopian assistant guy: “We are sending you the monster Gigan, as you requested.”
Joel: “Unfortunately the color you ordered is out of stock.”
(shot of flashing light in space)
Crow: “Hey! Tinkerbells’ alive! Clap your hands everybody!”
(giant diamond appears)
Servo: “Diamonds are a girls best…”
(explodes)
Servo: “Woah! Guess not!”
And Gigan is on scene!
(Megalon blows up boat)
Crow: “Destroy the Loveboat; Kill Gavin McCloud.”
Now they’re back at home! Did they even have a continuity person? (I think the money for that went to the dam scene).
Jet Jaguar arrives at the house.
(Jet Jaguar give thumbs up)
Joel: “Up yours!”
(Jet Jaguar flies off)
Joel: “Haha! Try to catch me! You instilled me with free will! Try to catch me!”
So, the guy built the robot with the ability to ignore his orders. Great idea! Worked for Skynet.
And now JJ makes himself grow. Look, just go with it.
You know, even in bad movies like this Toho somehow knew how to give its monsters great expressions. For instance, Megalon’s expression in this scene is a clear ‘wtF!!!!????’
Guy: “Are you sure you want to go? It could be damn dangerous.”
Crow: “Daft dangerous? Don’t you mean Taft Treacherous?”
JJ and Megalon keep fighting…
Crow (as inspector Clouseau): “Kato, get off of me.”
Servo: “I know I should be excited and scared and all, but all I can think about are sweaty Japanese guys.”
Guy: “So he just programmed himself to increase his own size.”
Crow: “Oh, well that explains it…huh?”
Now Gigan arrives…
Joel (on Gigan): “It looks like Dumbo gone horribly wrong.”
Joel (as Jet Jaguar): “Well, looks like my job is finally done here. I can…woah!”
(Megalon surprise attacks him).
Servo (as Gigan): “And there on my forearms were hooks!”
Now JJ starts getting his ass kicked.
Crow: “You will bow down before me Jet Jaguar!”
Third Host Segment: Orville Popcorn sketch. This is one of the all-time greatest, possibly the greatest, sketch of the whole series; a hilariously dark send up of Orville Redenbacher and his Grandson. I really can’t describe it without spoiling it, but it’s one of the funniest two minutes of television ever recorded.
And Godzilla shows up (he really is a sidekick in his own movie here, sadly enough; JJ is the real focus).
(cut back to JJ getting his butt handed to him)
Joel: “Yeah, take your time Godzilla.”
Joel (on the monsters’ wild arm movements): “What are they signing for the hearing impaired?”
And they fight some more.
(Godzilla rips up a tree to fight with)
Crow: “He’s got a tree! He’s got a tree! This isn’t the Godzilla we know! He’s fighting dirty!”
Joel: “Hurst don’t it?”
Servo (as Jet Jaguar): “Godzilla? A tree? That’s not like you. Why? Why?”
And stock footage of Gigan cutting Godzilla (at night, by the way, while the rest of fight is during the day).
Servo: “And this one’s for ‘Rocky V.’ I haven’t seen it, but I hear it really sucks!”
(Godzilla sits on Gigan and pummels him)
Crow: “I hate you! I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you! Oh, I don’t like you I’ll..(gasp) What have I done!?”
Actually kinda cool bit where Gigan attacks from above and Megalon from below.
Hilarious bit where Godzilla walks right into a punch.
So, Godzilla pretty handily deals with Megalon, while JJ gets UTTERLY thrashed by Gigan!
Gigan takes JJ hostage!
Crow (as Godzilla): “Come on, you don’t want to do that man! I’m here! Take me!”
Joel (as Gigan): “Hey, I’m just crazy enough to do it!”
Servo (as Godzilla): “Come on, punks’s not worth killing!”
And Megalon surrounds Godzilla and JJ with a ring of fire (lots of ‘war-buddy’ quips).
Crow: “Whoops, snapped your spine; sorry.”
Joel: “You know one day Jonny Cash will write a song about that.”
And they fly out (Godzilla holds onto JJ’s shoulders).
Some more great expressions from Megalon and Gigan.
(Godzilla blasts Megalon down)
Joel: “He fell him like a mighty oak.”
Godzilla blasts Megalon in the crotch! Twice!
JJ graphically breaks Gigan’s arm! Ew!
And there goes Gigan…flies away.
And we get perhaps the single goofiest bit of the whole Godzilla series; the tail-slide (he runs and slides across the ground on his tail).
And Megalon flees too.
Servo: “No Japanese actors in rubber suits were killed during the making of this film.”
And Godzilla and JJ share a handshake and G walks off.
Kid: “Bye bye!”
All: “SHUT UP!!”
Kid: “Godzilla! Bye Bye!”
Servo: “Thanks for leveling our country!”
Crow (as JJ): “You’re next puny humans.”
And he shrinks again…and drops the free will.
Crow (as JJ): “Yeah, sure, you control me. Right. I’ll be home crushing your house!”
Guy: “We’ll warn the scientists to be more careful in the future and let Seatopia rest in peace.”
Joel: “I’m sure they’ll listen, they’re good that way.”
And the ‘Jet Jaguar Fight Song’ plays…it will scar you for life.
Final Segment: The bots get new arms. Crow gets a coat-hanger and a lobster claw. Servo gets a swiss-army knife and a flame-thrower (“I am the god of hell-fire!”). They also translate the Jet Jaguar Fight Song (“He Crime-fighting cover up basic insecurity”). Then they read a letter (some great puppeteering by Trace as Crow tries to eat some popcorn). An all around hilarious sketch! Frank gets a little too attached to his Mario game.
Stinger: Godzilla jumps off a cliff. Come on! They do this but not the tail-slide?! Or any of the other moments during the fight? Sloppy, sloppy. I rather suspect they intended it to be the tail-slide (cause really, what else could it reasonably be?), but some editor goofed it up and they didn’t have time to fix it.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. First Spaceship to Venus
6. Rocketship XM
7. Moon Zero Two
8. Godzilla vs. Megalon
9. The Crawling Hand
10. Catalina Caper
11. King Dinosaur
12. Jungle Goddess
13. Wild Rebels
14. The Corpse Vanishes
15. Ring of Terror
16. Untamed Youth
17. The Slime People
18. Project Moonbase
19. The Sidehackers
20. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
21. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
22. Hellcats
23. Rocket Attack USA
24. Robot Holocaust
25. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Fun movie, great riffing, and great host segments make for the best episode yet!
Final Rating: 10/10.
Like I said, the movie is pretty fun in itself, with lots of monster goofiness to go around. Added to that, though, is perhaps the strongest riffing yet heard on the show. The jokes come fast and hard and are almost universally hilarious. Riffs on the special effects, the lame dubbed-in-script, the odd set design, and the skin-peelingly annoying kid abound.
Added to that are a series of great host segments, beginning with the amusing invention exchanges, building to Crow and Tom’s monsters, ‘Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy,’ and the closing segments with new arms for the bots, a hilarious translation of the ‘Jet Jaguar Fight Song,’ and some remarkably subtle puppeting from Trace Beaulieu.
But the third host segment stands on its own as one of the most brilliantly hilarious two minutes ever recorded on television. In the episode guide they describe it as “Orville Redenbacher and his grandson doing something akin to ‘A Long Day’s Journey into Night.’” I don’t think I really can explain it any better, except that it is perhaps the best host segment of all time; if not, it certainly is in the top five.
The only mar in this near-perfect episode comes at the very end; the Stinger. Here we have some of the goofiest moments of the fifty-plus (okay, it was nearly forty at the time) year old franchise and they pick…stock footage of Godzilla jumping off a cliff. Come on! That had to be some editor’s goof, right?
Despite this one flaw, you’ve got a movie that’s a lot of fun on its own but truly deserves what it gets, some very strong riffing, and some excellent host segments, including an all-time classic not just of MST3k, but of television in general. One of the best episodes of the whole series.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: What to expect on this show (parodying variety-news shows). Pretty funny; especially Crow.
Invention Exchange: Quick Halloween Costumes. This bit comes straight from Joel’s stand-up act. It’s very amusing; especially Servo going as a missing child (“Have you seen me?”). The Mads do the same (Dr. F is the goalie of a foosball team). Very funny.
Narrator: “…The second underground nuclear test took place…”
Joel: “But it wasn’t as good as the first one.”
Narrator: “This is what happened.”
(explosion)
Crow: “It blew up; what’d you expect?”
Some stock footage from ‘Destroy all Monsters’ (including cameos by Rodan and my all-time favorite, Anguirus).
Crow: “Oh, whenever they test nuclear bombs it’s the monsters who suffer.”
Joel: “You know I kinda’ feel this opening segment is a metaphor for our souls.”
Cut to a kid on a water-toy in a mountain lake while two guys watch (no, we never find out much about their relation. Okay, the adults are friends and the kid is the brother of one of them, but other than that, nadda).
Joel (as guys watching the kid): “I can see; keep struggling for your life!”
Servo: “He’s drowning. Neat.”
Earthquake…kid’s in danger.
The guys just happen to have a rocket and some rope…
Kid: “Help me! Hurry up!”
Joel: “Hey, you’re in no position to make demands, kid!”
Joel: “Try not to get sucked into the vortex of Hell, Billy!”
Servo: “I guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn’t it?”
Crow: “Note to myself; never vacation on an active volcano.”
And the lake dries up (no, we never really find out why).
Crow: “This watery manifestation of a vengeful, wrathful god couldn’t’ve come at a worse time.”
(Cut to them in a car with mood-music playing)
Joel: “Well, let’s leave that pain behind; we’re swinging into high.”
Guys sagely discuss the misuse of nuclear tests (mentioning some lost continents)…
That kid sounds like he pissed off St. Blaise in a big way.
(on the blue-tinted ‘night’ shots)
Joel: “Looks like there’s a blue-moon out tonight.”
Crow: “I think it was shot ‘blue-for-night.’”
Guy: “Hey, listen; it’d be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot.”
Joel: “Yeah, it’d be funny if the earthquake killed your family.”
They go into the house…
(lights go on revealing some sort of appliance hanging from the ceiling)
Crow: “Oh, my God! The humidifier committed suicide!”
Oscar Wilde type shows up and attacks, quickly knocks the guys out, and leaves.
And the one guy takes off after bad guys in a lame car chase.
Back home they start cleaning up…
Car chase…
Servo: “Well guys I guess no matter how hard you try there’s just no way to make parallel parking exciting.”
(kid is picking up papers and magazines off the floor)
Crow: “Let’s see, Boy’s Life, Popular Science, Highlights…my own autopsy report!?”
Kid: “I found some funny powder.”
Joel: “Uh, that’s mine; just leave it alone.”
(High angle shot)
Crow: “Hey, God’s watching!”
They investigate the powder…cut to them working on the robot.
(welding shot)
Crow: “Industry! Creating a better world. Our most valuable resource: People!”
And the robot is now complete.
(Guy looking at the kid)
Crow: “Oh, how I loath him!”
(I know the feeling)
(guy on video screen)
Crow: “It’s the all-idiot channel.”
(guys talking in front of robot’s face)
Servo: “Hey, HAL is reading your lips!”
And they name the robot ‘Jet Jaguar.’
Guy: “That’s a great name!”
(cut to bad guys listening in)
Servo (as bad guy): “Jet Jaguar? What a stupid name!”
Bad guys capture kid…
(shot of kid looking sad on screen)
Crow: “I have shamed the family.)
First Host Segment: The bots design monsters to distract Joel from the naughty pictures they’re looking at. It’s a great sketch as Servo and Crow try to one-up each other (and features a great ‘Robert Frost’ pun).
Bad guys return, knock out good guys, occupy house.
Cut down to ‘Seatopia’ (don’t ask)
Anyway, Seatopia attacks the surface world with Megalon since nuclear tests have damaged their country.
Seatopia leader: “They have already destroyed a third of our country!”
Joel: “You just have to take my word for it.”
And a bunch of random explosions and sparks…
Servo: “I would say eye protection should be worn in this area.”
Servo: “He awakes with the worst special effects of the morning.”
(fade to black)
Joel: “So it was all a dream…”
Cut to guy and kid tied up in truck.
Crow: “If…I could…only get to…my utility belt…I invented it you know. Batman stole it from me.”
Other guy is tied up in the house (no, I don’t know why they didn’t either A, shoot them, or B, tie them all up together).
(Jet Jaguar takes off)
Joel: “What a day! I feel GRAND!”
(cut to guy and kid struggling with ropes)
Crow: “Oh, great! You tied us together!”
Truck driver: “The way I see it, it’s none of our business anyway. I mean we’re getting a hundred-thousand yen!”
Joel: “Yeah, great, what is that, like four bucks?”
(as guy tied up at home wakes up next to Oscar Wilde guy)
Crow: “Now I’m going to read you parts of ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray,’ and I want you to be honest with me.”
(kid unties guy in truck)
Servo: “Okay, gotta go; call me if you survive kid.”
Back-story on Seatopia (they lost me at ‘they eventually managed to create their own oxygen supply’)
Good guy escapes and heads out after truck…
Oscar Wilde guy: “My prisoner escaped…he’s also aware of the whole story of our mission here.”
Crow: “I got…sort of…chatty.”
Another car chase…
Crow: “I’m huge!”
Joel: “Action sequences filmed in Confuse-o-vision!”
Servo (after cars go down some steps and a steep incline): “I’ll have to remember that route; cuts fifteen minutes off my drive time!”
Servo: “Well, there’s a lot of congestion on the interstate this morning, you might want to consider taking an alternate route, say down the side of a steep mountain!”
Lame ending to chase…
(cut to random explosions as Megalon emerges)
Servo: “The gods do not approve of this inept car-chase sequence!”
(on Jet Jaguar, who has a disturbing Joker-like grin)
Joel: “Winged freak; wait’ll they get a load of me!”
Stock footage of evacuation, and the military coming in…
Good bit where they comment on the fakey-ness of the military.
(as they prepare to fire missiles)
Crow: “Phallic symbols at the ready sir.”
(on the military hardware)
Servo: “Boy, all this and they still can’t get the Comedy Channel!”
And they randomly decide to drop the box with the guy and kid over a dam.
Kid: “What now?”
Crow: “Scream. Die maybe.”
Crow (as kid): “I wet em’!”
(little later)
Servo: “I wet myself again!”
(later)
Servo: “That’s three times now. It’s starting to sting.”
Pretty funny running gag with Megalon giving Broadway performance speeches.
Second Host Segment: Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy! It’s really indescribable, but very amusing. This looks like it would be a fun show.
The only really impressive scene in this movie; Megalon bursts a dam (and probably most of the budget). It really does look good
(hero struggles with truck as dam starts to overflow)
Joel: “Pop the clutch, engage the ignition, check my blind spot…it’s flooded! Okay, start again…”
And the hero accidentally dumps his friends, Megalon whacks it into the air, they somehow survive.
Joel: “You know, that monster does not know the meaning of the word ‘around.’”
Joel (as Jet Jaguar): “I’m taunting you! Taunt!”
Guy: “Isn’t that Jet Jaguar?”
Servo: “No, it’s another superhero of your own design.”
Kid: “It’s a pity we can’t send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!”
Crow: “Yeah, and it’s a pity we can’t kill you and get away with it!”
Commander: “Open fire!”
Crow: “Kill indiscriminately!”
Joel (as Megalon): “I’d like to thank the good people of Seatopia for giving me these completely useless arms.”
And thanks to the wonder of stock footage, the tanks get blown up at night when they had been attacking during the day.
Anyway, they try to regain control of Jet Jaguar…
And of course it works. They send him to get Godzilla.
Really goofy scene where Megalon goes nuts.
Crow: “Looks like he’s having one of his episodes.”
And Megalon randomly gets attacked by some jets (in close ups, his hands turn into Gigan’s claws).
Crow: “Say, that’s a good view of the fiery hellbeast!”
And he’s back on track now. Whatever.
Kid: “Must have been evacuated.”
Joel: “That sounds painful.”
Kid and guy get model plains to help retake their house (you know, you’d think the military would help with that, seeing as how the house controls the robot that can save or destroy the world).
And Jet Jaguar meets Godzilla.
Servo: “What’s that? Dad’s trapped? In a coal mine? Down in dead-rock canyon? I see.”
Stock footage from ‘Vs. Sea Monster.’
Crow: “I can fly! I can fly! I can’t fly! I can swim…”
Major stock footage of Megalon attacking Tokyo; it’s just close ups of him firing and stock footage of destruction (it’s footage from ‘Ghidorah’ so there are frequently multiple beams blowing up the city). One of the worst destruction scenes in Kaiju Film history.
Joel: “We’ll eliminate all the ‘no pets’ strips in Asia if you’ll just stop!”
(Guy and kid start their mission)
Crow: “Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?”
Servo: “Not this kid.”
Servo: “Gee I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat.”
(cut to other guy driving during fight scene)
Crow: “I’m glad I’m not there.
(again)
Crow: “I’m really glad I’m not there.”
(guy arrives)
Crow: “Oh, shoot! Now I’m here!”
Wait, what was the point of that!? They just beat the guy up and leave!
Seatopian assistant guy: “We are sending you the monster Gigan, as you requested.”
Joel: “Unfortunately the color you ordered is out of stock.”
(shot of flashing light in space)
Crow: “Hey! Tinkerbells’ alive! Clap your hands everybody!”
(giant diamond appears)
Servo: “Diamonds are a girls best…”
(explodes)
Servo: “Woah! Guess not!”
And Gigan is on scene!
(Megalon blows up boat)
Crow: “Destroy the Loveboat; Kill Gavin McCloud.”
Now they’re back at home! Did they even have a continuity person? (I think the money for that went to the dam scene).
Jet Jaguar arrives at the house.
(Jet Jaguar give thumbs up)
Joel: “Up yours!”
(Jet Jaguar flies off)
Joel: “Haha! Try to catch me! You instilled me with free will! Try to catch me!”
So, the guy built the robot with the ability to ignore his orders. Great idea! Worked for Skynet.
And now JJ makes himself grow. Look, just go with it.
You know, even in bad movies like this Toho somehow knew how to give its monsters great expressions. For instance, Megalon’s expression in this scene is a clear ‘wtF!!!!????’
Guy: “Are you sure you want to go? It could be damn dangerous.”
Crow: “Daft dangerous? Don’t you mean Taft Treacherous?”
JJ and Megalon keep fighting…
Crow (as inspector Clouseau): “Kato, get off of me.”
Servo: “I know I should be excited and scared and all, but all I can think about are sweaty Japanese guys.”
Guy: “So he just programmed himself to increase his own size.”
Crow: “Oh, well that explains it…huh?”
Now Gigan arrives…
Joel (on Gigan): “It looks like Dumbo gone horribly wrong.”
Joel (as Jet Jaguar): “Well, looks like my job is finally done here. I can…woah!”
(Megalon surprise attacks him).
Servo (as Gigan): “And there on my forearms were hooks!”
Now JJ starts getting his ass kicked.
Crow: “You will bow down before me Jet Jaguar!”
Third Host Segment: Orville Popcorn sketch. This is one of the all-time greatest, possibly the greatest, sketch of the whole series; a hilariously dark send up of Orville Redenbacher and his Grandson. I really can’t describe it without spoiling it, but it’s one of the funniest two minutes of television ever recorded.
And Godzilla shows up (he really is a sidekick in his own movie here, sadly enough; JJ is the real focus).
(cut back to JJ getting his butt handed to him)
Joel: “Yeah, take your time Godzilla.”
Joel (on the monsters’ wild arm movements): “What are they signing for the hearing impaired?”
And they fight some more.
(Godzilla rips up a tree to fight with)
Crow: “He’s got a tree! He’s got a tree! This isn’t the Godzilla we know! He’s fighting dirty!”
Joel: “Hurst don’t it?”
Servo (as Jet Jaguar): “Godzilla? A tree? That’s not like you. Why? Why?”
And stock footage of Gigan cutting Godzilla (at night, by the way, while the rest of fight is during the day).
Servo: “And this one’s for ‘Rocky V.’ I haven’t seen it, but I hear it really sucks!”
(Godzilla sits on Gigan and pummels him)
Crow: “I hate you! I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you! Oh, I don’t like you I’ll..(gasp) What have I done!?”
Actually kinda cool bit where Gigan attacks from above and Megalon from below.
Hilarious bit where Godzilla walks right into a punch.
So, Godzilla pretty handily deals with Megalon, while JJ gets UTTERLY thrashed by Gigan!
Gigan takes JJ hostage!
Crow (as Godzilla): “Come on, you don’t want to do that man! I’m here! Take me!”
Joel (as Gigan): “Hey, I’m just crazy enough to do it!”
Servo (as Godzilla): “Come on, punks’s not worth killing!”
And Megalon surrounds Godzilla and JJ with a ring of fire (lots of ‘war-buddy’ quips).
Crow: “Whoops, snapped your spine; sorry.”
Joel: “You know one day Jonny Cash will write a song about that.”
And they fly out (Godzilla holds onto JJ’s shoulders).
Some more great expressions from Megalon and Gigan.
(Godzilla blasts Megalon down)
Joel: “He fell him like a mighty oak.”
Godzilla blasts Megalon in the crotch! Twice!
JJ graphically breaks Gigan’s arm! Ew!
And there goes Gigan…flies away.
And we get perhaps the single goofiest bit of the whole Godzilla series; the tail-slide (he runs and slides across the ground on his tail).
And Megalon flees too.
Servo: “No Japanese actors in rubber suits were killed during the making of this film.”
And Godzilla and JJ share a handshake and G walks off.
Kid: “Bye bye!”
All: “SHUT UP!!”
Kid: “Godzilla! Bye Bye!”
Servo: “Thanks for leveling our country!”
Crow (as JJ): “You’re next puny humans.”
And he shrinks again…and drops the free will.
Crow (as JJ): “Yeah, sure, you control me. Right. I’ll be home crushing your house!”
Guy: “We’ll warn the scientists to be more careful in the future and let Seatopia rest in peace.”
Joel: “I’m sure they’ll listen, they’re good that way.”
And the ‘Jet Jaguar Fight Song’ plays…it will scar you for life.
Final Segment: The bots get new arms. Crow gets a coat-hanger and a lobster claw. Servo gets a swiss-army knife and a flame-thrower (“I am the god of hell-fire!”). They also translate the Jet Jaguar Fight Song (“He Crime-fighting cover up basic insecurity”). Then they read a letter (some great puppeteering by Trace as Crow tries to eat some popcorn). An all around hilarious sketch! Frank gets a little too attached to his Mario game.
Stinger: Godzilla jumps off a cliff. Come on! They do this but not the tail-slide?! Or any of the other moments during the fight? Sloppy, sloppy. I rather suspect they intended it to be the tail-slide (cause really, what else could it reasonably be?), but some editor goofed it up and they didn’t have time to fix it.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. First Spaceship to Venus
6. Rocketship XM
7. Moon Zero Two
8. Godzilla vs. Megalon
9. The Crawling Hand
10. Catalina Caper
11. King Dinosaur
12. Jungle Goddess
13. Wild Rebels
14. The Corpse Vanishes
15. Ring of Terror
16. Untamed Youth
17. The Slime People
18. Project Moonbase
19. The Sidehackers
20. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
21. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
22. Hellcats
23. Rocket Attack USA
24. Robot Holocaust
25. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Fun movie, great riffing, and great host segments make for the best episode yet!
Final Rating: 10/10.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Mst3k 210 – First Spaceship to Venus
I really was expecting more from this episode. It’s not bad, I just found it very…forgettable. Even while I was watching it made little impression on me, and now I find it makes even less looking back.
The story is that a mysterious spool of mechanical thread is found in the desert, which they somehow figure out is from Venus. So, naturally, the world mounts an expedition to Venus. There’s some stuff that happens on the way, then they get there and do sciency stuff, and they discover that the Venusians accidentally wiped themselves out with their own weapons, there are a few crises, and finally they return home minus three of the crew who die at the end.
The movie itself actually wasn’t that bad; I think it might be interesting to watch on its own, actually. There are some good ideas here and the action is fairly restrained (thought a scene involving attacking slime is pretty goofy). The riffing is pretty solid, though rather sparse and, again, not very memorable for the most part. Sorry; this is really a pretty ‘blah’ episode for me and I don’t have much to say about it. There are some decent host segments along the way, especially Tom’s ‘Sarcasm Sequencer,’ which ends just as it was starting to get annoying, and the bots trying to build a robot. Otherwise, nothing much to say.
Thoughts While Watching:
Opening: Servo’s sarcasm sequencer is increased. It’s a pretty amusing sketch; Kevin Murphy has a tour-de-force.
Invention Exchange: Joel warns the Mads off from copying his invention and invents the junk-drawer helper; a junk-drawer starter kit (they’ll revisit this idea in a few seasons). The Mads try to find their invention in their junk-drawer. Several amusing bits; and they find Abe Vigoda at the bottom.
I like them acting sad as the titles fly off into the distance.
Opening narration; mention the Tunguska Blast and claim it was a spaceship.
Funny bit where they have a reporter hitting on a camerawoman while they wait for a scientist.
Dr. Orlaf: “I’m referring, naturally, to the spool which may contain a document of great importance in an unknown language, recorded apparently by magnetic process.”
Crow: “Naturally.”
Narrator mispronounces ‘Einstein’ as ‘Einshtein’
I love how the linguists automatically seem to be able to translate the alien language the instant they hear it.
(on radio operators in arctic gear)
Crow: “This is apartment 12b; can you send up some heat?”
Funny bit where a spinning radar device looks like it’s about to hit the characters…several times.
Repoter: “This is intavision calling the world.”
Crow: “Hi, this is the World; I’m not in right now, but…”
I love how in these movies NASA immediately decides to send manned missions to mysterious and possibly hostile planets.
Pilot: “How about you showing us your latest creation in robots?”
Crow: How about you shutting up and letting me get a word in edgewise!”
We meet the ‘cute’ robot. It’s basically a head on treads with a difficult-to-understand voice and a goofy little face. Crow puts it best.
Crow: “What a stupid robot!”
(pilot sees the female member of the expedition)
Pilot: “Tsumiko!”
Crow: “I will as soon as my lawyer gets here.”
Tsumiko: “Have a changed that much?”
Joel: “Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man!”
Wait, to make sure the crew is in good condition for their take-off in less than two days they put them in suspended animation? They’re a little paranoid, aren’t they?
Joel: “Oh, tell her you love her, yah big galoot!”
(seeing the extras have letters on the shirts)
Servo: “The whole alphabet is there. They’re going to spell out ‘good-bye, suckers!’”
Servo (on the goofy space-suits): “This is the day the teddy-bears fly to Venus!”
Spaceship’s design is completely ridiculous, but kinda cool.
First host Segment: The bots make a robot. It doesn’t do anything apart from foaming at the mouth, but it’s cool nonetheless. At least, the bots think so. The foam covers them as the commercials roll. A fun sketch.
Of course they hit a meteorite swarm! Every space movie has meteorites!
(as a guy talks into a thin microphone)
Joel: “Mr. Toothbrush, you’re the only one who understands me.”
Robot plays chess with other guy.
(on the robot)
Tsumiko: “If he only had a heart.”
Crow: “A brain,”
Joel: “A home,”
Servo: “da neurve.”
(guy setting up chessboard is interrupted by the ship rocking)
Crow: “Aw, he’ll do anything to win!”
And there are the meteors!
Scientist: “We’ll have to go outside to repair it.”
Crow: “Outside? In this weather?”
(on spacewalk)
Crow: “Hey, look at him squirm out there! That’s our Bob!”
(on the odd, clucking sound effect)
Servo: “Can somebody shoot that turkey?”
Yeah, does chess-guy have a job?
Linguist: “We have finally deciphered the last part of the spool; it gives meaning to the entire document.”
Servo: “It says blulalafjalfjalejfhelflaeflkj!”
(after an indecipherable playback of the spool)
Joel: “Uh, it gets better.”
I like how the usual ‘people will panic’ excuse is refuted.
Second Host Segment: They’re visited by an alien gorilla. It’s a pretty funny sketch as Crow and Servo debate how to react.
Scientist: “I’ll go in the crawler-copter.”
Crow: “Oh, the crawler-copter, that’s your answer to everything!”
(as scientist takes off to land on Venus)
Crow:”heh heh; ah, the guy’s lunch-meat. Hi, Bill! He’s got no idea what I’m saying to him. You look good! Haha! He’s dead. Good luck! He’ll never see his family again. Way to go sport! He’ll be vaporized within the hour. We’re with you! Haha, sucker.”
Scientist: “I’m not receiving you.”
Servo: “I’m getting the ‘Ha!’ channel.”
Servo: “At least we have our ‘Ewok’ suits to cheer us up.”
Damn, and I thought the first words on Nova were lame; the first words on Venus are ‘Omega, you take the lead.’
Scientist (to robot): “How long can we stay here?”
Crow: “About…three minutes…ago.”
(on some really weird toy-like aliens)
Joel (hilarious little voice): “Come on, smart-boy, try your hand! Go ahead! I sit at the right hand of the devil; I am evil incarnate!”
Joel: “We are the planet of novelty items!”
Funny bit where the landing spaceship lands RIGHT ON the guy they sent down (he’s in a hole, so he survives, but still; what’re the odds?
Joel: “We make excellent stocking-stuffers, you shall come to know that in time!”
(on the weird screaming sound the scientist is showing off)
Servo: “Oh, yeah, that’s really significant.”
Scientist: “Where are the inhabitants? They saw our spaceship land, they couldn’t have missed it, and yet nothing has happened!”
Servo: “Oh, maybe there’s a ballgame on.”
Narrated montage of work…
Narrator: “The storms which whip across Venus only make the work harder.”
Crow (close up of crew member): “You know these winds only make the work harder!”
Crew Member: “That’s where the lines lead, alright; there’s no doubt.”
Servo: “I know; I was a meter-man once.”
(Camera drifts downwards)
Servo: “Uh, I think you need to tighten the wind-nut on that camera!”
Scientist: “I think that a terrible catastrophe occurred on Venus.”
Servo: “Yeah, you guys arrived.”
Humorously abrupt cut…
They follow a power cable looking for life…
Joel: “Huh. Hell from on high; that’s not supposed to happen.”
(In front of a huge opening)
Crew member: “This must be the entrance.”
Servo: “Oh what was your first clue, butthead?”
Servo: “Someone with a very different vision made this movie guys.”
So, they go down into the building, accidentally kick a rock into some magma-like stuff, and it starts collapsing and the magma comes after them…
Joel (watching the chaos): “Hey give them a break, they just stepped on a rock.”
Crow: “Brown 25: Building Block of the future.”
Servo (on the syrup-like gunk): “Mrs. Butterworth’s going to have a lot of explaining to do.”
The guy shoots something at it and it goes away.
Crow: “Looks like someone stands corrected on that ‘don’t shoot’ line.”
(guy pulls out toothbrush-like device to record an evil alien device)
Crow: “The magic toothbrush will save them; go, Tuppy go!”
Third Host Segment: Klack food commercial. It’s pretty amusing with odd, unappetizing recipes and some cut still images.
So there’s a crisis; the landing site is about to blow up or something, and half the crew is hours away.
Actually creepy bit where they see the shadows of Venusians killed in an atomic blast. This is a creepy phenomenon to begin with, and works well enough here.
Wait, so those crew members hours away are back suddenly; so much for tension.
And they start talking; I guess there was no crisis.
Anyway, the Venusians are all dead, but since one of the crew stepped on a rock it started the automatic attack sequence against Earth. I think.
Crow: “Oh, the rock! Will you let that die!”
The robot goes nuts!
Joel (as the robot): “Bedebedebede taste my steel.”
They can’t take off…of course. And there’s only one chance.
(Guy working in collection of wires and circuits)
Crow: “Hey, I think I found my class ring!”
Guy gets his suit punctured. And the crisis is over (though now they try to save punctured suit guy).
Crow: “Aw sure they’re all gonna die, but it looks cool!”
Crow: “Rocketing off the charts with that immortal hit, it’s ‘Bob’s Death.’”
Rocket gets hurled into space involuntarily.
So, linguist dies, black-guy gets left behind.
Mission control lady: “At the moment there is no reply.”
Crow: “There’s an angry black gentleman on line one.”
Servo (as newscast): “Attention Mr. and Mrs. North America and all the ships at sea; gutless astronauts left friends on planet; returning today!”
And they have a triumphal return! Great.
Servo (singing along to the music): “This is the song that we sing when you come home from Venus!”
Crew member: “Talloway saved the expedition from disaster.”
Crow: “And then became compost”
Crew Member: “and Brinkman,”
Joel: “Screamed like a baby when we flew off and left him.”
Crow (as scientist): “My one piece of advice; do not have the Venusian poo-poo platter.”
(random woman starts making out with crew member)
Crow: “Hey who’s this? Who are you? Hey, get her off me!”
Final Host Segment: They discuss the movie; Crow liked it, Joel is depressed, Servo is sarcastic. Servo gets so sarcastic his head explodes. Letters. Ends with a Monty Python reference from Tom. Not bad. Dr. F throws up in the junk drawer.
Stinger: Oddly-dressed crowd waving good-bye. Certainly an oddly amusing moment. No complaints here.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. First Spaceship to Venus
6. Rocketship XM
7. Moon Zero Two
8. The Crawling Hand
9. Catalina Caper
10. King Dinosaur
11. Jungle Goddess
12. Wild Rebels
13. The Corpse Vanishes
14. Ring of Terror
15. Untamed Youth
16. The Slime People
17. Project Moonbase
18. The Sidehackers
19. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
20. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
21. Hellcats
22. Rocket Attack USA
23. Robot Holocaust
24. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Decent riffing, decent host segments, and decent movie, but somehow it all doesn’t come together into a memorable episode.
Final Rating: 6/10.
The story is that a mysterious spool of mechanical thread is found in the desert, which they somehow figure out is from Venus. So, naturally, the world mounts an expedition to Venus. There’s some stuff that happens on the way, then they get there and do sciency stuff, and they discover that the Venusians accidentally wiped themselves out with their own weapons, there are a few crises, and finally they return home minus three of the crew who die at the end.
The movie itself actually wasn’t that bad; I think it might be interesting to watch on its own, actually. There are some good ideas here and the action is fairly restrained (thought a scene involving attacking slime is pretty goofy). The riffing is pretty solid, though rather sparse and, again, not very memorable for the most part. Sorry; this is really a pretty ‘blah’ episode for me and I don’t have much to say about it. There are some decent host segments along the way, especially Tom’s ‘Sarcasm Sequencer,’ which ends just as it was starting to get annoying, and the bots trying to build a robot. Otherwise, nothing much to say.
Thoughts While Watching:
Opening: Servo’s sarcasm sequencer is increased. It’s a pretty amusing sketch; Kevin Murphy has a tour-de-force.
Invention Exchange: Joel warns the Mads off from copying his invention and invents the junk-drawer helper; a junk-drawer starter kit (they’ll revisit this idea in a few seasons). The Mads try to find their invention in their junk-drawer. Several amusing bits; and they find Abe Vigoda at the bottom.
I like them acting sad as the titles fly off into the distance.
Opening narration; mention the Tunguska Blast and claim it was a spaceship.
Funny bit where they have a reporter hitting on a camerawoman while they wait for a scientist.
Dr. Orlaf: “I’m referring, naturally, to the spool which may contain a document of great importance in an unknown language, recorded apparently by magnetic process.”
Crow: “Naturally.”
Narrator mispronounces ‘Einstein’ as ‘Einshtein’
I love how the linguists automatically seem to be able to translate the alien language the instant they hear it.
(on radio operators in arctic gear)
Crow: “This is apartment 12b; can you send up some heat?”
Funny bit where a spinning radar device looks like it’s about to hit the characters…several times.
Repoter: “This is intavision calling the world.”
Crow: “Hi, this is the World; I’m not in right now, but…”
I love how in these movies NASA immediately decides to send manned missions to mysterious and possibly hostile planets.
Pilot: “How about you showing us your latest creation in robots?”
Crow: How about you shutting up and letting me get a word in edgewise!”
We meet the ‘cute’ robot. It’s basically a head on treads with a difficult-to-understand voice and a goofy little face. Crow puts it best.
Crow: “What a stupid robot!”
(pilot sees the female member of the expedition)
Pilot: “Tsumiko!”
Crow: “I will as soon as my lawyer gets here.”
Tsumiko: “Have a changed that much?”
Joel: “Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man!”
Wait, to make sure the crew is in good condition for their take-off in less than two days they put them in suspended animation? They’re a little paranoid, aren’t they?
Joel: “Oh, tell her you love her, yah big galoot!”
(seeing the extras have letters on the shirts)
Servo: “The whole alphabet is there. They’re going to spell out ‘good-bye, suckers!’”
Servo (on the goofy space-suits): “This is the day the teddy-bears fly to Venus!”
Spaceship’s design is completely ridiculous, but kinda cool.
First host Segment: The bots make a robot. It doesn’t do anything apart from foaming at the mouth, but it’s cool nonetheless. At least, the bots think so. The foam covers them as the commercials roll. A fun sketch.
Of course they hit a meteorite swarm! Every space movie has meteorites!
(as a guy talks into a thin microphone)
Joel: “Mr. Toothbrush, you’re the only one who understands me.”
Robot plays chess with other guy.
(on the robot)
Tsumiko: “If he only had a heart.”
Crow: “A brain,”
Joel: “A home,”
Servo: “da neurve.”
(guy setting up chessboard is interrupted by the ship rocking)
Crow: “Aw, he’ll do anything to win!”
And there are the meteors!
Scientist: “We’ll have to go outside to repair it.”
Crow: “Outside? In this weather?”
(on spacewalk)
Crow: “Hey, look at him squirm out there! That’s our Bob!”
(on the odd, clucking sound effect)
Servo: “Can somebody shoot that turkey?”
Yeah, does chess-guy have a job?
Linguist: “We have finally deciphered the last part of the spool; it gives meaning to the entire document.”
Servo: “It says blulalafjalfjalejfhelflaeflkj!”
(after an indecipherable playback of the spool)
Joel: “Uh, it gets better.”
I like how the usual ‘people will panic’ excuse is refuted.
Second Host Segment: They’re visited by an alien gorilla. It’s a pretty funny sketch as Crow and Servo debate how to react.
Scientist: “I’ll go in the crawler-copter.”
Crow: “Oh, the crawler-copter, that’s your answer to everything!”
(as scientist takes off to land on Venus)
Crow:”heh heh; ah, the guy’s lunch-meat. Hi, Bill! He’s got no idea what I’m saying to him. You look good! Haha! He’s dead. Good luck! He’ll never see his family again. Way to go sport! He’ll be vaporized within the hour. We’re with you! Haha, sucker.”
Scientist: “I’m not receiving you.”
Servo: “I’m getting the ‘Ha!’ channel.”
Servo: “At least we have our ‘Ewok’ suits to cheer us up.”
Damn, and I thought the first words on Nova were lame; the first words on Venus are ‘Omega, you take the lead.’
Scientist (to robot): “How long can we stay here?”
Crow: “About…three minutes…ago.”
(on some really weird toy-like aliens)
Joel (hilarious little voice): “Come on, smart-boy, try your hand! Go ahead! I sit at the right hand of the devil; I am evil incarnate!”
Joel: “We are the planet of novelty items!”
Funny bit where the landing spaceship lands RIGHT ON the guy they sent down (he’s in a hole, so he survives, but still; what’re the odds?
Joel: “We make excellent stocking-stuffers, you shall come to know that in time!”
(on the weird screaming sound the scientist is showing off)
Servo: “Oh, yeah, that’s really significant.”
Scientist: “Where are the inhabitants? They saw our spaceship land, they couldn’t have missed it, and yet nothing has happened!”
Servo: “Oh, maybe there’s a ballgame on.”
Narrated montage of work…
Narrator: “The storms which whip across Venus only make the work harder.”
Crow (close up of crew member): “You know these winds only make the work harder!”
Crew Member: “That’s where the lines lead, alright; there’s no doubt.”
Servo: “I know; I was a meter-man once.”
(Camera drifts downwards)
Servo: “Uh, I think you need to tighten the wind-nut on that camera!”
Scientist: “I think that a terrible catastrophe occurred on Venus.”
Servo: “Yeah, you guys arrived.”
Humorously abrupt cut…
They follow a power cable looking for life…
Joel: “Huh. Hell from on high; that’s not supposed to happen.”
(In front of a huge opening)
Crew member: “This must be the entrance.”
Servo: “Oh what was your first clue, butthead?”
Servo: “Someone with a very different vision made this movie guys.”
So, they go down into the building, accidentally kick a rock into some magma-like stuff, and it starts collapsing and the magma comes after them…
Joel (watching the chaos): “Hey give them a break, they just stepped on a rock.”
Crow: “Brown 25: Building Block of the future.”
Servo (on the syrup-like gunk): “Mrs. Butterworth’s going to have a lot of explaining to do.”
The guy shoots something at it and it goes away.
Crow: “Looks like someone stands corrected on that ‘don’t shoot’ line.”
(guy pulls out toothbrush-like device to record an evil alien device)
Crow: “The magic toothbrush will save them; go, Tuppy go!”
Third Host Segment: Klack food commercial. It’s pretty amusing with odd, unappetizing recipes and some cut still images.
So there’s a crisis; the landing site is about to blow up or something, and half the crew is hours away.
Actually creepy bit where they see the shadows of Venusians killed in an atomic blast. This is a creepy phenomenon to begin with, and works well enough here.
Wait, so those crew members hours away are back suddenly; so much for tension.
And they start talking; I guess there was no crisis.
Anyway, the Venusians are all dead, but since one of the crew stepped on a rock it started the automatic attack sequence against Earth. I think.
Crow: “Oh, the rock! Will you let that die!”
The robot goes nuts!
Joel (as the robot): “Bedebedebede taste my steel.”
They can’t take off…of course. And there’s only one chance.
(Guy working in collection of wires and circuits)
Crow: “Hey, I think I found my class ring!”
Guy gets his suit punctured. And the crisis is over (though now they try to save punctured suit guy).
Crow: “Aw sure they’re all gonna die, but it looks cool!”
Crow: “Rocketing off the charts with that immortal hit, it’s ‘Bob’s Death.’”
Rocket gets hurled into space involuntarily.
So, linguist dies, black-guy gets left behind.
Mission control lady: “At the moment there is no reply.”
Crow: “There’s an angry black gentleman on line one.”
Servo (as newscast): “Attention Mr. and Mrs. North America and all the ships at sea; gutless astronauts left friends on planet; returning today!”
And they have a triumphal return! Great.
Servo (singing along to the music): “This is the song that we sing when you come home from Venus!”
Crew member: “Talloway saved the expedition from disaster.”
Crow: “And then became compost”
Crew Member: “and Brinkman,”
Joel: “Screamed like a baby when we flew off and left him.”
Crow (as scientist): “My one piece of advice; do not have the Venusian poo-poo platter.”
(random woman starts making out with crew member)
Crow: “Hey who’s this? Who are you? Hey, get her off me!”
Final Host Segment: They discuss the movie; Crow liked it, Joel is depressed, Servo is sarcastic. Servo gets so sarcastic his head explodes. Letters. Ends with a Monty Python reference from Tom. Not bad. Dr. F throws up in the junk drawer.
Stinger: Oddly-dressed crowd waving good-bye. Certainly an oddly amusing moment. No complaints here.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. First Spaceship to Venus
6. Rocketship XM
7. Moon Zero Two
8. The Crawling Hand
9. Catalina Caper
10. King Dinosaur
11. Jungle Goddess
12. Wild Rebels
13. The Corpse Vanishes
14. Ring of Terror
15. Untamed Youth
16. The Slime People
17. Project Moonbase
18. The Sidehackers
19. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
20. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
21. Hellcats
22. Rocket Attack USA
23. Robot Holocaust
24. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Decent riffing, decent host segments, and decent movie, but somehow it all doesn’t come together into a memorable episode.
Final Rating: 6/10.
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