MST3K – Episode 202: The Sidehackers

            This is one of those movies which I really think they shouldn’t have done. The episode isn’t bad, and the riffing is about as good as could be expected, but the movie itself is so unpleasant and dreary that it really brings the whole episode down, at least for me.

            The story revolves around Rommel (no, not that one); a motorcycle mechanic and part-time Sidehacker. Sidehacking involves attaching a side car to a motorcycle and having a passenger lean out to balance the bike on the turns. This also has the odd effect of somehow removing all the excitement from motorcycle racing; I think it’s because the addition is so completely pointless, indeed, counter-productive that it jams the brain and prevents any enjoyment from seeping through.

            Anyway, Rommel has a girlfriend, and a married best friend, and pretty much everything is going swimmingly until JC, a crazy exhibition rider, and his crew shows up. JC and his girlfriend both fall in love with Rommel, which, since JC is nuts, eventually leads him to beat up Rommel and kill his girlfriend. Rommel is bent on revenge and throws his life away gathering some help and proceeds to execute perhaps the worst thought-out revenge plot in history, which of course goes wrong, leading to many deaths, including his own, while JC waits to be picked up by the police.

            In the episode guide, they explain that they decided to do this film without watching it all, and so were horrified at the dark turn it takes about half-way through. While JC’s histrionics are funny in themselves, scenes like him punching his girlfriend and being a general jerk (and the cut scene of him raping and killing Rommel’s girlfriend) really bring the episode down.

            The host segments are generally pretty amusing, my favorites being the sidehacker song and the sidehacking terminology sketches. This seems to be a fan favorite, but it certainly isn’t one of mine. 

            Thoughts while Watching:

           Opening: Joel just gave the robots a bath and is about to put them down. They utter another peep after he specifically tells them not to.

 

            Invention Exchange: The bots want to stay up to watch the movie (why?). More Jerry and Sylvia. Joel; Gretchen the Slinky. This is one of my personal favorites, since the slinky is so cute! Mads; Dr. F.’s slinky bio-tube so he can be in two places at once. Mostly it’s good for the line “In space, no one can hear you sue.”

 

            Joel: “Postage-stamp theater presents!”

            (The film is shown through extremely tiny screens during the opening).

 

            I love their fake, dramatic titles; “Baby, can you drive my *murder*!” This might be the first example of it, but it’ll be a hilarious recurring joke for the rest of the series.

 

            Crow: “Hey, the whole Tessier clan got in on this!”

 

            Joel: “You know, now that Sidehacking is so big, it’s interesting to see its humble origins.”

 

            Wait, there really was a ‘Southern California Side-Hack Association?’ I never noticed that credit before, and I would never have believed this was ever a real sport if I hadn’t seen it (I’m still not sure I do).

 

            Sickening romantic montage of the sort you might see in a very special episode of ‘Knight Rider’ (except no talking car, mores the pity).

 

            Crow: “Hey, Joel, where do you suppose these people are working now that cigarette ads are illegal?”

             It does look like a cigarette ad!

 

            Joel: “You taste good too, but your…lips…are…drugged!”

            As the screen goes blurry.

 

            Joel: “Even this grass is…it’s…drugged!”

 

            One thing I do like about this movie is Ross Hagen’s gruffness as Rommel (no, not THE Rommel). He’s the romantic hero, but he’s still a tough, gruff guy. It’s a terrible script, but I like how he plays the character, at least in the beginning.

 

            JC, the bad-guy, shows up.

 

            Girl: “Exhibition riding; fairs, rodeos…”

            Servo: “Weddings, Bar-Mitzvahs.”

             

            Rommel: “I’m Rommel.”

            Crow: “Oh, you magnificent son-of-a-bitch, I read your book!”

 

            Rommel: “It’s called a side-hack.”

            Crow: “We built a whole movie out of it. We had to pad out the first scene with the meadow…”

 

            Friend tries to warn Rommel, Rommel shrugs, thinking it’s no big deal.

 

            More Side-Hacking. Say, where does the ‘Interesting, but stupid,’ line come from?

 

            Joel: “’No newcomer to this new sport’?”

            Good point, Joel.

 

            Man, this is a really stupid sport. I mean, I can more or less get Motorcycle racing, but this side-hacking thing is just a pointless.

 

            Cambot’s rare (possibly only) quip; he puts up an ESPN-style scoreboard around the film.

 

            First Host Segment: The Sidehacking Song. It’s really good; one of the first great songs. “Better get with the sport, because it won’t last long.” I must say, Joel isn’t much of a singer (especially compared with Kevin or Mike), but the song is so fun and his performance is so good that it doesn’t matter the slightest.

 

            JC tries Side-Hacking. Not only does this emphasize the stupidity and pointlessness of the whole thing, but also makes JC even more annoyingly incompetent.

 

            I know there probably are really people like JC whom people seem to gravitate towards for no reason whatsoever, but again, why does anyone hang out with people like this?

 

            And the movie starts veering sharply into unpleasantness, a territory it’s gonna stay in for a while (this makes it pretty hard to laugh at).

 

            Joel and the bots are angry at the film, as they should be (JC just punched his girlfriend in the stomach).

 

            Joel: “Try some of my forbidden fruit.”

 

            The source of the ‘chili peppers burn my gut’ line.

           

            Joel: “Hey, what’s the director doing in here?”

            The guy really does look like a director!

           

            I like Crow’s ‘There’s a Ladder in the way’ lines.

 

            Man, Rommel has to be the thickest guy on Earth; he needs JC’s girl to spell it out that she’s hitting on him.

 

            So, she just tears her clothes and instant-rape? She’s smiling and her hair isn’t even mussed! I know JC is crazy, but come on, girl, put some effort into it!

 

            By the way, should a married man really have that many girly pictures in his office? I mean, the Marines in ‘Aliens’ didn’t have that many!

 

            Cut to post-sex romp, with some particularly bad dialogue.

 

            I like their snoring ‘Rommel dialogue.’

 

            Servo: “Wake up, you desert fox, you!”

 

            Second Host Segment: They discuss new terminology for Side-Hacking. I remember when I first saw it I loved this sketch. It’s still pretty amusing. “It’s an exciting day indeed here at Japanese-War-Atrocity Park…” A good example of their weird, disjointed writing. (interestingly enough, they mention ‘fintuzler’ at least twice; I have no idea what that is, but they’ll bring it up again at least once in the first episode of the next season; more later).

 

            So, during the Host Segment, JC and his guys beat up Rommel and raped and killed his girlfriend (for obvious reasons, the scene was cut).

 

            What the…Rommel staggers into the house then IMMEDIATELY races back out.

 

            Sappy, sad song and montage.

 

            Crow: “We used to come here to club seals together…”

 

            Joel: “Funny, even these oil fields seem to remind me of her; I can’t put my finger on it…”

 

            Joel and the bots seem pretty sad about the events of the film (as well they should).

 

            Servo (on Rommel’s musings on the Bible): “Yeah, if you read it from the back it’s even more confusing.”

 

            Joel: “Okay, I go to the bank, go to dry-cleaners, get some lunch, kill JC’s gang…”

 

            Big-Jake! He’s…really not that big; just a little muscular (he was probably the biggest guy they could find). This also is the origin of the occasional call-back “he hit Big Jake!”

 

            JC is such a ham! He’s actually pretty hilarious most of the time, when he’s not being completely loathsome.

 

            Robot Holocaust call back!

 

            The day-for-night looks like a slightly over-cast noon.

 

            Man, Rommel’s friend’s wife is a really bad actress.

 

            Annoying hick guy tells a long, bad joke.

 

            Servo: “Hey, let’s just kill this guy for practice.”

 

            Annoying hick guy is REALLY annoying!

 

            By the way, there hasn’t been any side-hacking since about the fifteen-minute mark.

 

            Third Host Segment: The bots and Joel dress like Rommel when JC comes (played by Mike Nelson). What’s that whip-noise whenever they mention Rita? Mike is great as JC, Frank not so much as Cooch.

 

            I think you can see Servo’s control-stick when Joel hands him off.

 

            Crow: “Coochy, Coochy, Cooch!”

            (I’ve been waiting for someone to use that line since they first said Couch’s name).

 

Rather appalling scene where JC kills his girlfriend.

             

            Man, Joel said it: “I’m really glad it’s just a movie.”

 

            Hey, Crow called back to the previous episode!

 

            Man, Cooch really is one incompetent spy.

 

            Rommel lies and sends his friend away then attacks JC’s camp.

 

            Joel: “You think you’ve got problems, I’m not even supposed to be in this film!”

 

            And, Big-Jake gets shot (man, that whole ‘no guns, let’s attack without the police’ thing is looking pretty smart right now).

           

            Why did JC shoot Cooch? Oh, who cares, let’s just get this thing over with.

 

            Annoying hick-guy is a dead-eye with a pistol ridding a side-hack. Right. 

 

            Servo: “Okay, I’ve got to remember that I’m crazy; note to myself, load guns before killing spree.”

 

            And it’s just Rommel and JC. Again, if his plan was this stupid, why didn’t Rommel just wait for the police?

 

            It must be said that their fight is believably dirty.

 

            And Rommel just walks off after punching JC in the crotch. JC then shoots him, since he had landed right next to a gun. This is perhaps the single most incompetent vendetta in film history!

 

            Final Host segment: they talk about how depressing the film was and Joel sings ‘Love Pads the Film,’ again, the song and his performance carries over Joel’s singing defects. Gypsy provides back up. And we get to hear Kevin Murphy’s great singing voice for perhaps the first time. By the way, this song is basically the exact one from the film, with a couple lyrics added in.

 

            Now letters; You know, I never liked the letters much; they’re never very funny, and they kind of break up the pace of the final segment. Here’s a textbook example; they could have and should have ended right after the song, but they come back and add another couple of not-very-funny minutes on.

 

            Movie Quality Rating:

           

1.       The Crawling Eye

2.       The Black Scorpion

3.        Mad Monster

4.       Rocketship XM

5.       Moon Zero Two

6.       The Crawling Hand

7.       The Corpse Vanishes

8.       Untamed Youth

9.       The Slime People

10.   Project Moonbase

11.   The Sidehackers

12.   Women of the Prehistoric Planet

13.   Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

14.   Robot Holocaust

15.   Robot Monster

 

            Conclusion: A very bad and unpleasant movie brings down an episode with decent riffing and host segments.

           

            Final Rating: 6/10.

 

            

MST3K – Episode 201: Rocketship XM

MST3K – Episode 201: Rocketship XM

 (Disclaimer: First, a word of apology to all three of our readers for the delay; my brother's computer got completely destroyed by a virus a few days ago, so I've been staying off Internet Explorer. Now, however, I've managed to get Safari, so we're back in business (such as it is).)

            I think this is the first time they had the opening disclaimer; “Turn down your lights…where applicable.” It serves as an instant reminder that now the show really begins. Like how the Pink Panther movies really begin with ‘A Shot in the Dark,’ ‘Rocketship XM is the beginning of the MST3K we know and love. Let the epic begin!

            This is one of the most appropriate movies for MST3K, in terms of the episode’s significance. Rocketship XM was not the first sci-fi film of the 50’s, nor was it a particularly good one, but it showcased many, many ‘firsts;’ a rocketship, aliens, the subject of nuclear power, a female scientist who falls for a military hero, a hopeful, but cautionary view of science, and an awareness of something greater than science; themes and aspects that would define sci-fi for the next decade are here presented in their earliest incarnation.

            Much the same way, many aspects that we’ll generally associate with MST3K are here for the first time; the opening, TV’s Frank and his relationship with Dr. F, Kevin Murphy’s distinctive voice as Tom Servo, the put-together look of the ship’s bridge, the hexfield view-screen, the visits from odd characters, and, most of all, the brilliant writing are all on display here. Previous episodes may have been clever and funny, but here the writing really takes off, possibly thanks to their new ‘head writer,’ Mike Nelson (who also makes his first appearance as Valeria, more on that later).

            So, a historic episode with a very appropriate movie. Rocketship XM tells the story of the first trip to the moon (also, apparently, the first manned space flight; they don’t waste any time in this universe). Unfortunately, there’s a problem half-way there, so the ship stops (in space) and the two scientists have to recalculate their fuel. Due to the male scientist’s pig-headedness, they get it wrong and shoot off for Mars. There they find the remnants of an ancient civilization which had been wiped out by nuclear war. They also find martians, who attack the party, killing two and injuring one. They then find they don’t have enough fuel to make it back, so they crash and all die (really).

            Sorry, not too much to say about this one. For a very good (if, I’d say, a little too sensitive) review of the movie, check out ‘And You Call Yourself a Scientist’ (seriously, it’s a great site: http://www.aycyas.com/rocketshipxm.htm).

            Personally, I found it alright; a quite stupid, sometimes annoying movie with a few genuinely good moments. Plus it featured the first sci-fi appearance of Morris Ankrum, who would show up in movies like this a lot (not a lot of MST3K films though), usually playing a general. Here he plays a scientist, and is typically good. The riffing already shows a great improvement over the previous season, and it’s just gonna get better from here on out.

 

            Thoughts while watching:

           

            Ah the familiar opening song video; it was different in the first season, and this one is (slightly) more polished. It would remain the same (except for the brief film clip, which would change a few times, and an added scene or two at the end) until Mike took over in season 5.

 

            Opening: Servo’ new voice. Joel indicates that some ‘In show’ time has passed, and points out the changes in the satellite. Indeed, the set is much more decorated; more familiar, with the spray-painted gadgets all stuck on the wall. The only thing that really remains is the Hexfield, which is just a shade now. They’ll complete that in a few episodes. We also get to see the rarely-seen extend-o-neck on Servo.

 

            Servo’s first words in the voice we’ll grow to love. Kevin Murphy will define Servo, but for right now he tries to sound a little like Josh Weinstein. Oh, and our first meeting with TV’s Frank! They just say that Dr. Earhart is ‘missing’ (Joel will come up with an amusing alternate theory next season). Jerry and Sylvia, the Mole People who help out in Deep 13 for one season, also show up. Man, a lot going on here!

           

            Invention Exchange: Joel; the BGC19. It’s basically a powerlifter (think ‘Aliens’) with drums. Frank invents the exact same thing. (Frank tends to fail when he handles the invention exchange).

 

            The bots are already in the theater.

 

            Yeah! Morris Ankrum!

           

            Crow: “Stupid name by Ferde Groefe”

 

            Crow: “And now the cast of ‘I Married Four Astronauts’”

 

            ‘All newspapers’? The room is about the size of a classroom; I guess there really less news agencies back then. Oh, and call me cynical, but I don’t buy the idea that the press would sit on a story because the government said so.

 

            So, the first manned spaceship is a moon-shot? Man, they didn’t waste any time back then!

 

            Scientific mumbo-jumbo.

 

            It must be said, the Rocketship XM itself is kind of a nice design; the nose-fins are a nice touch.

 

            Crow: “Uh, could you repeat that part about the Moon?”

 

            Reporter: “Have you done any flying?”

            Joel (slyly): “Oh, yeah!”

 

            Comic-relief navigator. Of course, he’s Texan.

           

            Of course the guys openly leer at and joke about the girl. This is one of the really annoying thing about these movies.

 

            So, wait, there’s only eleven minutes until launch and the astronauts are holding a press conference!? They’re really flying this whole ‘moon’ thing by the seat of their pants, aren’t they?

 

            Ankrum: “Everybody return here after the takeoff.”

            Crow: “Uh, except the astronauts, we need them on the rocket.”

            Servo: “You’re an astronaut if you’re wearing dungarees and you’ve been training for two years.”

 

            And they stand there talking! Man, the rocket’s gonna launch without them!

 

            And I love the way the scientists simply say, “I can’t think of anything we’ve over looked.” Yeah, no need to check or anything. I mean, only five minutes to go!

 

            Joel starts climbing the ladder!

 

            I like the ‘good-night’ quips.

 

            Servo: “I hope this new chin holds out.”

 

            And they’re off!

 

            Standard ‘strained astronaut’ scene. Of course, this didn’t actually happen when people went into space.

 

            First host segment: The Reporters of Rocketship XM. Joel is really having trouble with his lines here. The sketch, though, is really funny; “Hugh Beaumont’s brother Spike.” Man their writing has really improved!

 

             So, she pulls the guy away from the controls of a rocketship to look out the window?

 

            Joel: “The press is a bunch of wussies! You alone in there?”

            (to a guy in a room full of reporters)

 

            Doesn’t anyone do any work on this rocketship?

 

            “We’re on our way!”

            Another frequent call back line.

 

            Man, Ankrum is young here!

 

            Pretentious speculation, bad comic relief.

 

            Really stupid ‘zero-gravity’ scene. Of course only a few things float around, since that takes time and money (fifty-cents a yard on the string).

 

            Standard ‘What’s a girl like you, blah, blah, blah.’ Again, that was a rather annoying aspect of some of these things, even for a social conservative like me. It’s not quite as bad as the stuff in ‘Project Moonbase,’ but it’s annoying nonetheless.

           

            By the way, the guys are making pig noises during the above.

 

            Crow: “Uh, Huston we have a problem, Lloyd’s making moves on the babe here.”

 

            Joel: “Well, we stared at it, that oughta fix it.”

 

            Crow: “Dear diary; well, we’re all going to die and it’s the men’s fault. Our fiery demise is imminent, but at least I still have my health. Knock on wood…”

 

            Crow: “Oh, great, a harmonica, as if this guy weren’t annoying enough!”

 

            Really annoying scene where the male scientist insists on using his own findings rather than the girl’s. She actually has a good point, but is ignored, since she’s a woman.

 

            How did the Rocketship stop/slow down dramatically in space?

 

            And the doctor fell asleep. So much for the ‘time is of the essence’ thing. Lloyd tells a completely pointless story.

 

            Servo: “uh, he’s waking up, start telling that story again.”

 

            Another one! I’m with the bots (they’re yelling ‘Shut up’)!

 

            Crow: “Have you ever tasted human flesh?”

           

            Second Host segment: Selective gravity demonstration. It’s pretty funny; Joel acts like a class-room demonstration. Crow isn’t paying attention. It gets weirder and weirder.

            Wait a second, there’s something written on the back of the flash-cards…are those Joel’s lines?!

 

            Joel (on the ‘romantic’ dialogue): “Oh, that’s romantic, I think I’ll go slit my wrists.” 

           

            Girl: “You are speaking of its (the moon’s) effect on men and women?”

            Servo: “No, tree-frogs.”

 

            Lloyd: “Did you ever park in an open convertible on a cliff overlooking the Pacific?”

            Joel: “and then drive off, laughing maniacally?”

 

            Crow (after the Swedish scientist-girl describes a romantic walk): Und zen I measured ze velocity of our walk.”

 

            Again, they’re wasting a lot of time when they’re supposed to be saving everyone’s lives.

 

            Joel, that’s like the fifth time you’ve used that ‘Where do you want to be in two years?’ quip; it’s not that funny, drop it, buddy!

 

            The very first meteorite shower of fifties sci-fi! (practically EVERY other movie that featured a rocketship had one of these).

           

            And they’re making a lot of noise despite the fact that a) there’s no sound in space and b) even if there was, there’s no air, so there’s nothing for them to be making sound with!

 

            More speculation that maybe ‘someone’ doesn’t want them to get to the moon. One thing I do like about these sci-fi movies is that they do tend to acknowledge God in a respectful way.

           

            The male scientist is really smug and annoying.

 

            And the new fuel proves disastrous. It knocks everyone out and sends them way off course. All because male scientist guy didn’t want to admit he might be wrong.

 

            Oh, so now they bring up the inertia thing? Sorry it’s too late now!

 

            And they end up at Mars (the big reveal of it through the window is pretty cool, actually).

 

            The male scientist immediately asserts that ‘something inifinetly greater’ has taken over. Actually, I think that’s your chauvinism, buddy; this IS all your fault, after all.

 

            By the way, I know they’re supposed to be scientists and all, but really, I don’t think anyone would be mad at them if they went back and tried again; they’re kind of out of their way and likely to die if they don’t.

 

            What the…they have a perfectly clear view of the earth and the moon from just outside MARS? Come on, you could’ve done better than that, guys; do you see Mars as a soft-ball sized object in the night sky? Good grief, this is ‘Loony Toons’ science!

 

            Wait, the clouds are sideways! Good grief, they just turned the cloud-screen on its side to indicate they’re going down!

 

                        They land right in the middle of a storm.

 

            Mars looks a lot like a desert. Rather like the south-western United States, in fact…

 

            ‘Planet of the Apes’ Reference.

             

            And they find ruins. They speculate that it was nuclear war.

 

            Geiger counter! One of the standard props in these things makes its appearance.

           

            Sigh, more speeches.

 

            Crow: “You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one of his speeches.”

 

            Is this the first ‘and there on the handle was a hook!’ joke?

 

            By the way, how much oxygen are they carrying in their small tanks, one a person?

 

            Third host segment: Joel and the bots are trading pretentious phrases (and song lyrics) hey, Crow holds Joel’s hand! It starts getting dull when Servo brings up a line from ‘The Crawling Hand.’ Then Valeria visits (from ‘Robot Holocaust’?). First mention of Rocket Number 9. She’s played by Mike Nelson, in his first on screen appearance (and incidentally, sounds disturbingly like my senior year French teacher, Father Thompson). I love how Joel uses one of those ‘breath freshener’ things before he starts talking to her. And I love his bit with ‘Torque’ (who is just a skull here). It’s pretty funny, but goes on too long.

 

            Servo: “Meanwhile, here in the day-for-night scene…”

           

            Huh, that first indistinct shot of the Martians from a distance is actually pretty creepy. I like ‘indistinct’ scare shots like this.

 

            Crow: “Let’s all run like fools towards the danger!”

            Yeah, really!

 

            Frankly, if I were there I’d say ‘look, bud, it’s your fault we’re in this mess, don’t go telling me what risks I have to take; if you want to go chasing into a cave, a night, after evil Martians on their home planet, be my guest, but I’m going back to the ship!’

 

            Ah, so it’s just the male scientist and the comic relief guy. Good, people I hope will get killed!

 

            Joel: “Jeeze, it’s an entire race of mimes, we’ve got to get back and warn Earth!”

 

            Comic relief guy dies saving male scientist. Turns out the Martians are attacking by hurling rocks at them.

           

            By the way, does this scientist *try* to kill those around him, or is it just an innate talent.

 

            Well, he’s dead now; but the damage is done.

 

            Servo: “Great, he’s dying and he’s still giving speeches!”

           

            Up, another one bites the dust! This time it’s coward guy!

              

            Oh, Servo, not you too! How did they get onto that ‘two years’ thing?

 

            Lloyd declares love. Sort of.

 

            And, they’re out of fuel.

 

            Crow: “Well, this should really test Lloyd’s sunny disposition.”

 

            No, girl, it’s not your fault; it’s the fault of that chauvinist pig, your boss whom you left back on Mars.

 

            Crow: “Okay, story so far: we got lost, flew to Phoenix, got attacked, we’re gonna die.”

 

            Servo: “There’s a Mr. ‘Oh, My God, My Hair’s On Fire’ on line one, sir.”

 

            What the…Joel just pulled one of Ankrum’s nose-hairs out!

 

            Morrey is pretty good here as he hears the news.

 

            Joel: “I thought ‘worm-food’ was a bit strong, Lloyd.”

 

            And they clinch as they’re about to die. And Lloyd does some stupid speechifying.

 

            Girl: “Shouldn’t we wake him?”

            Crow: “Why? So he can experience his own fiery death?”

            Joel: “Get your shoes on honey, we’re about to die!”

           

            And they all die.

 

            Joel: “Uh, we scrapped off the runway, sir.”

 

            Ankrum: “We’ve proved that inter-planetary space travel is not only possible, but practical.”

            Crow: “And enjoyable, for all members of the family, though there’ll be carnage.”

 

            And Ankrum declares they’re going to start on RXM 2. Right.

 

            Closing: Joel and the Bots discuss how inappropriate it is to show them a movie about guys dying in a spaceship. Interestingly enough, Joel sarcastically suggests they send them ‘Marooned,’ which they will in a couple seasons. Letters. They try to trick Frank again. Frank messes up pushing the button.

 

             Movie Quality Rating:

           

1.       The Crawling Eye

2.       The Black Scorpion

3.        Mad Monster

4.       Rocketship XM

5.       Moon Zero Two

6.       The Crawling Hand

7.       The Corpse Vanishes

8.       Untamed Youth

9.       The Slime People

10.   Project Moonbase

11.   Women of the Prehistoric Planet

12.   Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

13.   Robot Holocaust

14.   Robot Monster

 

Conclusion: Watchable, but annoying movie, but really good riffing and mostly fun host segments. Plus we’ve got Frank and Kevin Murphy as Servo!

 

Final Rating: 8/10 

RIP Beverly Garland

Sad news for film fans; Beverly Garland, star of several classic B-Movies and a favorite of the MST3K gang (in a very honest and affectionate way) passed away on Dec. 5 at the age of 82 following a long illness. She was one of the great stars of the B-Movies of the fifties and sixties, and a very talented actress to boot. Classy, beautiful, talented, and always giving her all, she was always a welcome presence, even in the worst film, and she will be missed. We are losing that great section of our cultural heritage bit by bit, and another part of it has just gone. RIP, Ms. Garland.

MST3K – Episode 113: The Black Scorpion

At last, the final episode of Season 1! What a relief! While I have enjoyed my journey through the early days of MST3K, it must be said that the far lower quality of the writing was a bit trying at time, as was the presence of Dr. Earhart instead of TV’s Frank.
So, anyway, the final episode, the Black Scorpion (in retrospect, I really should have saved ‘Women of the Prehistoric Planet” for now, since it was really the last episode, and obviously so. Oh well). This is one of the better films they viewed, primarily because of the great stop-motion effects from the master himself, Willis O’Brien (for those who don’t know, he was the man who created King Kong). Other than that, however, it’s a pretty standard big bug film from the fifties, of which there were dozens. This one stars (obviously) scorpions. This instantly endears the film to me, since I’m a big scorpion fan. I wouldn’t want to find one in my shoe, of course, but from a safe distance I think they’re some of the coolest creatures in the world; they’re little monsters in the best sense of the word, with their sharp claws and arching tail.
The film further endears itself by the presence of Mara Corday. One of the few recurring actresses in fifties sci-fi, Ms. Corday was probably the best looking of the bunch, with her rather exotic beauty. Fans of the period all know and love her, and she almost always scores a film points just by being there.
Richard Denning is another familiar face, having co-starred in ‘Creature From the Black Lagoon’ as the mean scientist. He plays the hero here, a scientist (of course) sent to investigate volcanic eruptions in Mexico (where everyone habitually speaks English). He kind of reminds me of John Agar here, only much less smug and annoying. He’s teamed with a Mexican scientist who doesn’t really do much except act as a buddy, has a meet-cute with Mara, and discovers that something is really wrong apart from the eruptions. Anyway, long story short, giant, prehistoric (possibly mutated) scorpions have been released and are tearing up the countryside. Denning and his friend (and a very annoying stow-away kid) track them to their lair (in a very cool sequence) and seal them in, but some of them get out and the biggest one kills the others and attacks Mexico City, where it is killed by an electrical cable fired into its throat.
The film is kind of fun, and things move along well. The scorpions look awesome (except for some very silly close ups of a slobbering model that O’Brien clearly had nothing to do with), and Corday and Denning are old pros and keep things going. The riffing is pretty good, but not outstanding, and the host segments are generally middle of the road.

Thoughts while Watching

Wohoo! Last episode of Season 1!

The sound’s a bit off in this tape. Nuts.

Opening: The bots are throwing Joel a party. It’s kind of weird; they just kind of stand there and frugue. It’s pretty amusing.

Invention exchange: The mads are mutated. The make-up on Dr. Earhart is surprisingly good; he looks really freaky. Joel has a giant party favor. It’s pretty funny, especially how Dr. Earhart has the exact same invention as Joel.

Dr. F. gets a film fact wrong; he says the effects are by Ray Harryhausen; as Joel and the bots will soon learn, they were by Willis O’Brien; Harryhausen’s mentor and the creator of King Kong.

Joel: “Guys, get out of the way, that’s why you’re dying!”

Joel and the bots are roasting giant hot-dogs over the volcano! They were pretty weird back then.

Typically rugged American scientists. And they give some naked exposition. The one guy looks kind of like John Agar (as noted above, it’s actually Richard Denning).

Ah, I love these old fifties sci-fi flicks; the manly, genial, though slightly-condescending scientist heroes, the black-and-white, the long discussions on Science…good times.

They use the sound-effects from the classic ‘Them!’ are reused here, plus some random roars.

Servo: “I’ll just move this high-tension power line with this piece of metal. Just let me dip it in water first.”

Wreckage, mysterious happenings, ect.

Crow: “…and a card saying ‘Black Scorpion wrecking service’”

Wait, why is the policeman on the radio speaking English? And why is he Paul Frees? I guess maybe they’re ‘really’ speaking Spanish.

The first canned applause. They’ll do this every time the Mexican scientist is mentioned by name (and a few other times).

‘Tense’ scene where they think there might be a rattler somewhere. In the deserted village. Why are they searching for it, then? Well…so they can find the baby who is the sole survivor. And a pretty happy baby, all things considered.

They find the dead cop when a tree randomly falls.

Wait, did I just hear a cue from ‘Godzilla?!’

Well, so much for the ‘they’re really speaking Spanish’ thing.

Now the baby starts crying! His village and family are horribly devoured and he just sits there and plays with his rattle, but the instant he hits town, he bawls his head off!

Servo: “The Milling About Festival continues well into the night.”

First host segment: Cross-cultural learning experience. Cambot translates their pseudo-Spanish. “Please end this stupidity; I’m hemorrhaging.” Pretty good.

Hero leers at the girl. Incidentally, these are the magical zoom and alternate-angle binoculars you see in these things.

By the way, the girl is played by the very beautiful Mara Corday; she was in a few of these things and always a welcome presence.

Mara: “You’re very kind!”
Crow (as the other guy): “No he’s not, I’m kinder!”

Joel (guy looks at a rock): “What? ‘Thou shalt not ki?’ what does that mean?”

I love how all the guys take their hats off for Mara. Ah, for a better time…

Joel (after Mara’s ‘rousing’ speech to her men): “Ah, looks like the answer’s no.”

Hah! The scientist looks like the werewolf from ‘Mad Monster!’

Servo: “The Great Valasco; juggler, sword-swallower, and pathologist extraordinaire.”

Servo (as the Mexicans charge on horseback): “Don’t forget the Alamo! No, we can do better, uh, Davy Crocket is a dork! No, uh remember…”

Man those big Mexican houses are awesome!

Annoying kid. For some reason filmmakers put a lot of them in movies like this.

Servo: “Meanwhile, back at the dog.”

Crow: “Jerry Mathers as the Beavero.”

Hero starts flirting with the girl.

Crow: “Let me put my new Leonard Nimoy album on; he sings ‘the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins’”
Man, I would pay good money for that.

Yeah, the scorpion is still alive after being encased in lava. Right. And it squeaks!

Hero: “You know, I could throw this scorpion out the window and then we’d really be alone.”
Servo: “Well, except for the dog, the cook, the small boy, and your friend.”

The Scorpions show up and eat the line men. The effects here are really good; except the just plain goofy close-ups of the scorpion-face mock-up.

Servo: “The line’s been bugged!”

Servo: “Look, Kid, the dog obviously doesn’t like you!”

The kid has to be told to run away from the huge monster

Joel: “Mrs. Butterworth, help!”

Second Host segment: The bots discuss Joel’s odd habits, like sleeping and shaving. Gypsy shows up dressed as the Black Scorpion. She eats Servo. It’s pretty good.

The scorpion attacks the village, etc.

Apparently the Scorpion is supposed to be prehistoric. Yeah, bugs were big back then, but not THAT big!

Crow: “And we have giant, forty-foot pincers! No, wait, that’s the scorpions.”

Mara insists on helping, mostly so they can keep her in the film. The fact that they provide some semblance of reason for her to be there is more than some films like this do. Frankly, though, it’s Mara Corday; you don’t need a reason to keep her on screen.

Crow (as the kid lists what he can do): “Yeah, yeah, we know you’re super-boy. Too bad you can’t act.”

Lots of golf jokes here, for some reason. They’re pretty amusing, but it’s kind of odd that they stick with the bit so much.

They pretend to be standing on the edge of the crater; it’s pretty clear they’re just on a slight hill.

The standard ‘why you?’ speech. Ends with a kiss. Frankly, I think going down into a deadly, monster-infested volcano would be worth it to kiss Mara Corday.

Joel: “Uh, Hal, why don’t you go and stand next to the creature so I can get a sense of scale?”

Crow and Servo do a lot of Jacque Cousteau (I’m assuming) here.

Oh, come on; the cage is about three-foot square; how did the kid hide out in there? Incidentally, I’m going to again reinforce how annoying this kid is. It’s bad enough when the kid is just talking, but now he’s stupidly endangering our heroes. And they can’t just let him die, because he’s a kid!

They all act shocked when hearing that the guy who had earlier fell in the volcano is dead. Again, he fell into a *volcano,* what did they expect?

Lots of scorpions. This is a pretty cool sequence.

Monster fight! Scorpion versus worm! Awesome! Now scorpion against scorpion! Now a really big scorpion!

Joel (as guy keeps taking pictures): “Make sure they can see us, thanks.”

Trap-door spider goes after kid! Get him, get him! (yeah, likes that’s gonna happen)

Scorpion attacks the cage!

Joel: “Oh, well, this isn’t good, not at all, I mean, I’ve seen good before and it didn’t look like this. You remember that bad thing we saw, well, it looked like this.”

Guy rides up on the cord.

Joel (after the guy is brought up): “Well, how was it?”

Crow: “Oh, I’ll send the rope back down for you, I promise. By the way, can I have your bike?”

Wait, to scale that was a HUGE explosion!

Hero guy seems kind of sure of himself with the girl. Especially considering it’s, you know, Mara Corday. Still, Richard Denning is more appealing than some fifties heroes I can think of (coughjohnagarcough).

And they bring Mara along to the defense council meeting. This is an observation, not a complaint.

Third Host Segment: they talk about Willis O’Brien. They give some pretty good info here, and are pleasingly respectful (and the little Joel model is cute). It’s a pretty good segment.

Crow does a few Dr. Strangelove jokes here.

Joel: “It’s Walt Disney and friends!”

Ah, they worry about the ‘panic’ that would result if the populace found out about the monster. How many variations on that theme have there been?

Joel: “Hey, look at me, I’m a rubix-cube all of a sudden.”

Ah, a train-attack; one of the standard scenarios of monster movies.

They used stock-footage from earlier in the movie!

They use the same shot of the train entering a tunnel FOUR TIMES in less than two minutes!

Man, the effects here are awesome!

Servo (as the train crashes into the scorpion): “Hey, this isn’t my fault, I’m taking no kind of pay-cut for this!”

Joel: “Uh, we at M-Track would like to apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused, this hardly ever happens.”

Man, this is an awesome sequence.

Crow: “Now for you folks playing at home, keep in mind scorpions, unless genetically mutated, do not growl.”

More Paul Frees; that’s three roles for him in this film: the narrator, the police radio-man, and the news announcer.

Panic scenes, etc. God, I love this stuff!

They ran out of money here…(they just matte the scorpion’s silhouette in; it looks SO bad).

Joel: “You are looking live at blasted-out Balagro Stadium, where just in a few minutes, puny local authorities will attempt to take on a giant, blood-thirsty, genetically-bloated scorpion!”

Joel: “A fabulous arsenal is assembled; tanks, fire-power, snow-plows, chevys…huh?”

Servo: “Well, the missiles didn’t work, let’s send in the bulldozers.”

The scorpion looks awesome here, but the fight is really repetitive.

The sergeant is really stupid here; in fact, everyone involved is really stupid; he grabs the electric harpoon-thing and no one thinks to turn it off in time.

And hero-guy takes the harpoon. Of course he hits directly.

Why are the tanks still shooting at it? It’s dying and they have no effect anyway.

And the Scorpion is dead.

Wait, is that one scientist suggesting they make an antidote ‘in case they ever come back?’ Uh, I think the main problem is the fact that their fifty-feet long, not their venom!

Closing segment: letters. Mildly amusing, especially the letter to Crow. The last we see of Dr. Earhart, he steps off stage waving briefly. I’m not sorry to see him go, but it’s still a little bittersweet (again, meaning no disrespect to Josh Weinstein, who I thought did a great job as Servo, but Dr. Earhart just doesn’t work for me).

Movie Quality Rating:

1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Moon Zero Two
5. The Crawling Hand
6. The Corpse Vanishes
7. Untamed Youth
8. The Slime People
9. Project Moonbase
10. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
11. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
12. Robot Holocaust
13. Robot Monster

Conclusion: A fun movie (did I mention it has Mara Corday?), some decent riffing, and okay host-segments make for a good closer to season 1.

Final Rating: 7/10

Mst3k – Episode 112: Untamed Youth

Another episode I wasn’t really looking forward to; the ‘troubled youth’ genre is probably my least favorite of the usual MST3k fodder, and the prospect of one of those movies with Season 1 quality riffing was not an appealing one.
Happily, I was proven wrong again. This movie is as bad and annoying as any of its genre, but the riffing is remarkably strong; enough to keep things interesting. The story focuses on two sisters who are picked up for hitchhiking and sent to a reform-farm where they work off their sentence, supposedly getting all ‘modern conveniences’ and the like. Well, it turns out the boss is corrupt (well, eventually; for the first half of the film he seems like nothing more than a typically-strict prison guard, but since he’s an authority figure in a prison movie, we intuitively know he’s evil from the get-go) and is keeping everyone as forced labor by making them pay for their amenities and stick around until they’re all paid up (in other words, they’re stuck there) while soliciting sex from the women, cutting corners on the food, and refusing medical care. It’s all horrible and nightmarish, but no one seems to mind much; in fact, they have dances every. Single. Night. This somewhat undercuts the whole ‘atrocious living conditions’ thing, but you have to have music in a teen-flick, you know. Eventually, the son of the judge who sentenced the girls (you might need to read that sentence over a few times) wises up, falls in love with one of the sisters, and together with his mom and girlfriend and the other prisoners (who are all decent people, of course) he rights the wrongs of the farm and takes over. The end.
The film’s main point of interest is Maime Van Doren, who plays one of the sisters. For those who don’t know, Maime was a low-rate sex symbol of the fifties and sixties; as typical for the time, she was a chestacular blond (she’s been described as the poor-man’s Jayne Mansfield, who was herself the poor-man’s Marilyn Monroe). Unfortunately, she wasn’t really all that pretty, and had…limited acting skills. What’s more, her extreme sexual assertiveness a) made her considerably less attractive than she might have been and b) frankly did not fit with her character (who was the younger, more naïve and innocent sister) at all. Fortunately, the other sister is played by the rather more appealing Lori Nelson (of ‘Revenge of the Creature’ fame). Lori is much more the real heroine of the film (although Maime gets top billing), and is the one who ends up with the hero.
Anyway, the film is bad, over-done, annoying, and we have to suffer through several terrible songs. This sort of thing would be done several times over MST3K’s run, but like I said, they don’t really appeal to me too much. Still, the riffing here is fine, and the film’s campiness kind of keeps things interesting.

Thoughts While Watching:

Opening: Tom has a tape-worm. Includes the great line: “Watch it, that’s the only torso I have!”

Invention Exchange: Joel; the never-light pipe. Pretty amusing. Mads; tongue puppets. Meh. The mads’ hugging celebration is funny, though.

Feature: Okay, the first non-sci-fi/horror flick.

Crow: “Hey, I hope there’s a cartoon first.”
Nice call-back to the previous episode.

Joel (as the lone guy runs around and trips a lot): “It looks like he’s playing football against Claude Rains University.”

Joel: “I think hiding from the police would be easier if this were before harvest time.”

Servo: “This is like that Stephen King story, ‘Children of the Dirt’”
(over empty fields)

Pig-like authority figures. Fat police-man tries to make girls bathing in their underwear come out while he’s looking.

By the way, they just came out of the water, but their hair is completely dry.

God, this movie about as subtle as an A-Bomb. The stuck-up judge passes an unfair sentence then blows off the rest of the trial to greet her returning son.

Crow (viewing motley farm hands, including mostly girls): “Ah, the original Dirty Dozen.”

“Monkeys?”

Yeah, what the hell DOES that mean?

Oily Boss Guy: “That’s what this place needs; entertainment.”
Joel: “I myself dabbled in ventriloquey”

My God, that sultry woman is TERRIFYING!

I know the bad guy is a brute, but the fact that it is so depressingly rare to find a guy who will stay firm with a cheating girl that I find his firmness rather refreshing.

Maime has a song. She’s not that bad (can’t say the same for the song). Assuming, that is, that it really is her singing.

Cat fight. I guess some people find these things titillating, but I just find them unpleasant. I don’t like seeing girls get hit, even if they’re the ones doing it.

Really, if they didn’t tell me the guy was shady, and apart from his slightly heavy-handed treatment, I would like him.

First Host Segment: the Greg Brady story (They think that one of the girls looks like him). I don’t know what they’re humming. Joel kind of stumbles here. I never watched ‘The Brady Bunch,’ so I don’t really get this too much.

I must say; Joel is a great comedian, but he wasn’t much of an on-screen performer; he flubbed or at least stumbled over his lines all the time. It helped that on the show he was basically just being himself, but still, it’s a little distracting.

Guy: “Bob Steel”
Crow: “Hi, I Ron Iron!”

Joel: “Now, I don’t know if you’re into weird scenes or not, but check this out.”

Again, the guy is supposed to be a jerk, but I just find his admirably strict. I mean, he is basically a prison warden; what do you expect?

Farmer: “You’ve got plenty of hands working for you.”
Joel: “Two a person.”

Joel is picking cotton!

Crow: “The stupidest crook in the world; he steals cotton.”
Another song; this one is pretty bad. I don’t know, if I were working out in the field I might listen to a song, but I would stop to clap and dance. And if it were this song, I’d shut him up with whatever farm tools were available.

Thank you! One of the overseers shut the guy up!

What-the…Maime just suddenly appeared on the ground. I guess a scene is missing here, or I missed something. At any rate, Bob Steel is her official love interest.

Crow (As they give Maime water): “Wait, that’s my motorman’s helper.”

So…I guess the warden-guy and the judge are lovers…or rather, he’s clearly stringing her along.

Now warden-guy is starting to act like a bit of a jerk here. They play the old “You mean WE will…”thing.

Oh, wait, maybe it wasn’t Maime…you know, I have a lot of trouble in these things telling people apart; the film quality and the fact that most of them are blond means that they all look alike.

Huh? Cut to dance scene…I guess they’re celebrating the end of the day’s work. Man, cotton picking must be easier than it looks, if they’ve got this kind of energy afterwards.

The sad thing is that as bad as this dancing is it’s still better than the dancing we see today. You can add dancing to art, poetry, literature, music, movies, television, and society in general (to name jsut a few) in things that have been getting steadily worse with time.

Crow: “Hey everybody, get me, I’m doing the ‘Abe Lincoln’.”

Second Host Segment: Crow tells the story of how they show what Gypsy is thinking. Her entire mid is Richard Basehart and Ram Chips. Her voice is a bit clearer and she seems more aware than she’s been up to now. The segment is mildly amusing, especially Crow.

Another song for Maime. The song sucks, of course. And she’s not as good as she was earlier. She acts like she’s in a strip-club of some sort.

Cook: “You have more than a modicum of talent, sister.”
Crow: “You mean these?”

Cook wants to put Maime on TV. Certainly that would be a better showcase for her, um, talents than radio (her primary talents will distract from her singing).

Sultry Girl: “He’ll probably give you that corny pass about becoming his ‘housekeeper.’”
Servo: “You mean the one you chomped down upon like a bass?”

Okay, it looks like the guy is actually in love with Maime’s sister (played by Lori Nelson, of ‘Revenge of the Creature’ fame). I must agree that I’d go with her over Maime too. Maime is way too aggressive and that translates in my mind to unattractiveness.

Maime is hilariously bad in this scene where she’s threatened by the dogs.

Come on, the kids are still dancing? Man, according to this movie, farm work is the easiest thing in the world.

Jerk-guy (who at last is really unpleasant) makes out with the judge again.

Judge: “What we’re doing is absolutely legal!”
Joel: “Except for the parts that aren’t.”

Joel: “I can’t go on this way, my lunch is coming…oop!”

Joel: “I didn’t mean for you to drink it, you silly woman, it’s kerosene.”

You know, I’ve got to say, I think Lori Nelson is a lot more attractive than Maime; Maime basically relies on her body rather than her face, which is always something I find unappealing.

Girl dies, turns out she was pregnant. Joel expresses regret over mocking the movie. Yeah, this is a pretty dark turn.

Guy tries to convince his judge/mother about what’s going on. She tries to avoid the conclusion, eventually admits she’s married to jerk-guy.

Bob: “She’s dead.”
Servo: “Okay, when will she be back to work?”

Gypsy comes into the theater. Weird. She spits out some cotton.

Bob: “I’d like to see you again. Lots of times.”
Joel: “And then stop abruptly, breaking your heart like a toy.”

Man, Lori Nelson is a LOT more attractive than Maime.

The hell? Bob is changing his mind right and left!

Third Host Segment: Gypsy is sick and vomiting up cotton, tophee, and paper-towels. Servo keeps suggesting new things for Gypsy to make, including the very first Tom Servo clone!

Lori goes to Judge, Judge resolves to help.

Oh, yeah, it’s a terrible, living-nightmare; I can’t understand how they could even live, THEY HAVE DANCES EVERY FRIGGIN’ NIGHT!!! WHAT KIND OF LAME-ASS PRISON-CAMP IS THIS!!!!???

Maime sings again; song sucks, her voice is not too bad, but her dancing is…yikes. You know, for a supposedly innocent, younger sister-type, she’s pretty demonstrative and assertive. Of course she is, she’s Maime Van Doren.

You know, the ‘Greg Brady’ girl is really butch and even has a deep, manly voice. It’s kind of disturbing.

Bob (crouched behind a tractor): “What is he saying?”
Servo: “He muttered something about shooting the kid behind the tractor, then I missed the rest.”

Bob wrestling with the dog is hilarious.

Again, “monkeys?”

Rest of the prisoners show up and surround bad-guys, then judge shows up, and everything is worked out nicely.

Judge: “I’ve just found out what conditions you’ve been living under.”
‘Conditions’? Again, they’re apparently good enough to allow for DANCES EVERY NIGHT!!!!!

Ends with Maime singing the worst song yet while showing off her underwear on TV. While Bob and Lori watch from their pleasant home. Have I mentioned how much more attractive Lori is than Maime? And it’s augmented here by the fact that Lori isn’t singing.

This is like two or three minutes of a god-awful song, after the entire plot of the film has been resolved. In other words, we’re wasting time!

Lori and Bob marry, and he takes over the ranch. Well, it’s a happy ending, and again, I like Lori, but it would have gone down easier without Maime’s musical number.

Ending: The weird guy in the movie; why is he there? He’s the goofy friend who always gets killed first in the haunted house. Man, that would have been great here! Joel: “The goofy guy is around to irritate the audience so they build up a lot of resentment so that nobody’s hurt when he gets offed.” It’s pretty amusing. And Letters. Meh.

Hey, this is the first time they list it as the ‘Information Club!’ Cool! It’s like when in an origin flick the hero is called by name for the first time.

Movie Quality Rating:

1. The Crawling Eye
2. Mad Monster
3. Moon Zero Two
4. The Crawling Hand
5. The Corpse Vanishes
6. Untamed Youth
7. The Slime People
8. Project Moonbase
9. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
10. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
11. Robot Holocaust
12. Robot Monster

Conclusion: My a rather amusingly stupid movie, plus some really strong riffing propel this one into winning territory.

Final Rating: 7/10

MST3K – Episode 111: Moon Zero Two

I really didn’t expect much from this episode; in the ‘Amazing Colossal Episode Guide’ (from now on, I’m just calling it the ’Episode Guide.’ Yes, I’m lazy; can’t do anything about it), they claim to not remember a thing about the episode, and I only rarely hear about it elsewhere (until recently I generally confused it with ‘Project Moonbase’). I must say, though, this was one which surprised me a bit; it’s a kind of fun movie, in a sixties way (which means there are annoying dance scenes, weird fashions, and everything is just generally goofy). The riffing is surprisingly good; quite a few good riffs in this one.
The basic plot (as far as I can remember) is that in The Future, on the Moon, our rough, former-explorer-turned-salvager hero takes an actually rather interesting job from a patently evil tycoon (is it naïve of me to suspect that most real life tycoons are not neutral-evil?) to crash an asteroid on the Moon so that he can harvest its valuable ore. Things are complicated by two female characters (I’m going to be generous and assume that some scenes got cut here and that they are introduced in a better fashion than we see here, because I could not keep track of them at ALL as presented; mostly it’s the fact that the one girl’s appearance changes every single time she shows up!); one is a female cop (I didn’t realize this until her final scene), the other is the sister of a miner who has disappeared. Surprise, surprise, he was murdered by the evil tycoon so he could land his asteroid on his land. It’s kind of a western-in-space deal, especially with the ‘claim-squatters’ thing. In the end, the cop-girl is killed, the villains are killed (most of them quite unnecessarily), and hero and sister-girl return to the Moon, eagerly anticipating wealth and sex (hey, throw a little power in there and they’ll have all the roots of evil in one nice package).
Like I said, the riffing is pretty good here, with a number of very sharp lines. They are definitely improving with time. The host-segments are only so-so, though; amusing, but not really hilarious or clever. So, a surprisingly good episode all around.

Thoughts while Watching;

Opening: Why are the bots wearing bathrobes? And what does Joel mean that he’ll be eating vicariously through us?

Invention Exchange: Joel has a food-teleporter; pretty good. Mads; celebrity toothpaste. More icky than funny, but not bad.

The movie opens with cartoon-credits and a theme song.

Servo: “Titles by Mrs. Greedie’s third grade.”

Joel gets up and starts dancing.

During the credits, there’s a weird little cartoon of a Russian and American Astronaut fighting over who gets to put their flag on the moon. Then they notice a new international moon club. It’s kind of weird. The song is pretty annoying, though.

Joel: “Uh, Huston, I just spotted an animated cartoon on the surface of the moon.”

Finally the movie proper begins.

Crow: “Uh, Huston, our central air is here, but they didn’t send the duct-work, over.”

Man, this movie is boring so far.

Servo: “It seems like a waste of cargo space to bring along a conga-band.”

For goodness sakes! We just spent about five minutes watching a guy walk around silently in space and do stuff which we have no idea what it is; this makes for a very boring experience.

You know something? I frankly hate the sixties.

‘Moon-dollars’? Come on!

Joel tires to peak over the strategically-placed shower-covering! Wow!

Heroine walks in on hero when he’s naked. Incidentally, what the hell is the deal with her head-gear? She looks like she’s wearing half of a cheap Star-Wars Halloween costume.

Joel: “They dress their stewardesses like Nazis!”

The guys are all facing AWAY from the in-flight movie!

Pretentious philosophical mussing out of nowhere.

Servo: “In the future, bras will grow on the moon.”

Naked exposition.

Joel: “Uh, you’re almost walking off the set…”
Frankly, it does look like that; I hope they weren’t THAT cheap.

First Host Segment: Tribute to Neil Armstrong. It’s mildly amusing.

Weird dance scene.

Lots of ‘atmosphere’ jokes.

Servo: “Moon Zero Mostel.”
I don’t think it looks like him, but alright.

What the…the guy calls him on the phone from about five feet away, and then the hero breaks the phone (on his end) so as not to answer it. That seems like kind of an empty, petty gesture, all things considered.

Hero: “Convince me!” (to go see the bad guy)
(henchman unzips his jacket)
Crow: “I’m convinced! Oh, it’s a gun…”

So, this guy can just pull a gun on someone in the middle of a fancy club?

Weird Monopoly game. Moonopoly. Man, give me a break.

Servo: “Fourth floor, tyrannical tycoons, loose women…”

Evil guy tries to get the hero to help him; sets up the plot. The hero is supposed to crash an asteroid on the moon so he can get the valuable gems inside. It’s not really a bad plot, it must be said. I’m actually interested in the movie now.

Woman: “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”
Servo: “Everyone says that, but no one ever tells me the other way!”

The characters look SO goofy in their space-suits! Especially the thug guy.

Girl with weird hat has seemed to disappear…unless that one girl is her; but frankly, I can’t tell.

Servo: “Will you turn off ‘Peter and the Wolf,’ please.

Crow (imitating British guy): “It’s the closest approach since I grew my bushy, wushy sideburns.”

What-the…weird scene here of some people coming back, but I don’t know who they are. I think it’s just an excuse to show those stupid dancers again.

Frankly, I can’t keep track of these characters; heroine girl’s hair changed completely! Look, people, if you want people to be able to keep track of characters, don’t alter their appearance each time they show up!

Girl with other hat is probably evil; she’s giving off that vibe.

Second Host Segment: Games of the future. “’Sorry’ will seem to be the hardest game.” Joel makes Crow and Servo do ‘Rock-em-sock-em-robots’ one of the few times Servo’s extendo-neck is scene. It’s weird and kind of random, but Crow’s boxer-talk in the theater afterwards is funny.

Crow: “In space, no one can hear you yawn.”

They kind of skipped some stuff here, which is fine with me. I think hero guy is still on it…yep, there he goes, he’s fine.

Now they’re back on the moon. More bad dancing. I hate the sixties.

Guy agrees to help girl.

Hero: “It’s only a three-day trip, I’ll be back in time.”
Crow: “That’s what the Skipper said.”

Bad fight scene. I guess the guy turned off the gravity, but it just looks really stupid. I mean, really stupid; they just slowed everything down.

Now they’re off looking for the girl’s brother. Not as interesting as the other plot. Of course, if I’m following this, that plot has been pretty well resolved.

The moon-car is kind of cool. It looks a little too much like the Wiener-Mobile, though.

And her hair is completely different now! What the hell?

Joel: “I know it’s a little rough now, but it’ll be better when we fall in love later in the picture.”

Back-story. Not very interesting at all.

Crow: “Okay, you’re twelve, I’m a hundred, I get it, already!”

Servo (on the hero): “You ever think about renting out your forehead for advertising?”
Really, this guy could play a Metalunan without any make-up! (If you don’t get that, wait a few years till I review “MST3K; the Movie”…or just go watch it now)

Joel: “Now, just how disappointed would you be if you never saw your brother alive again?”

They find the brother just a skeleton in his spacesuit. It’s a pretty cool-image, all things considered.

Bad guys attack. Action scene which is kind of hard to follow, mostly involves people’s suits getting punctured.

They steal the bad-guy’s moon-car. Which looks EXACTLY like the other one.

Segment Three: Servo and Crow discuss the women in the movie; they disagree over which one they prefer. I must say, I agree with Crow, but I generally prefer the good-girls. Then Joel turns off the gravity, like in the movie. It’s not as funny as Crow and Servo’s opening discussion. Joel’s ending bit is pretty good, though.

Pseudo-tension. Crow is envious of the guy.

What the…why is he naked (or close enough)?

Now she takes off her clothes.

Girl: “If it gets any hotter, I’ll have to take the rest of it off.”
Joel: “Pray for heat.”

Incidentally, why is the car called “Moon Fargo?”

Crow (as the car blows up): “Wait, the jazz combo was in there!”

Wait, so girl in skull-cap is a cop? I can’t keep these characters straight!

So, the plots are coming together.

Cop-girl gets shot in duel.

Villain: “Harry, shoot the young lady.”
Crow (as Harry): “Uh, which one?”
Joel (as villain): “The one that’s not dead, idiot!”

What the…where did Servo go? He just comes in after the commercial from the other side of the theater.

The sound-effects and music in this film are really annoying!

The villain gets his helmet melted.

Sidekick shoots thug. Was that really necessary? He wasn’t really a threat at the moment.

Hero leaves villains to horrible deaths. But, it’s alright, they’re the bad guys.

Crow (as the sidekick): “Wow, apparently, I’m dead.”

By the way, the whole cartoon at the beginning had NOTHING to do with the film, even in terms of foreshadowing the themes; there was no east-west conflict or anything.

Final Host Segment: Good-thing, bad-thing about the movie for ram-chips. Gypsy is there too! Wait, Crow doesn’t get his ram-chip! Gypsy gets one for saying ‘Richard Basehart.’

I actually enjoyed that movie a lot more than I expected; it’s kind of fun, in that cheesy, sixties way.

Movie Quality Rating:

1. The Crawling Eye
2. Mad Monster
3. Moon Zero Two
4. The Crawling Hand
5. The Corpse Vanishes
6. The Slime People
7. Project Moonbase
8. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
9. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
10. Robot Holocaust
11. Robot Monster


Conclusion: Good riffing (for season one), and a reasonably watchable and enjoyable movie make for a surprisingly enjoyable episode.
Final Rating: 7/10.